to not call my rapist Annabel

[Tyrotoxicity]

Because it's not his name.

His name's Mark.

But he gets to hide behind "Annabel".

AIBU to not know what the hell to think or how to react when my rapist declares he's a woman?

Is someone saying you have to call him Annabel? And even if you did (you don’t have to call that person anything) it doesn’t change what they did. The two things are not mutually exclusive.

Not in a relationship with him. One friend in common (who is not exactly enamoured of him).

But EVERYONE I know knows him.

And EVERYONE is going to say "Mark? Really? I know he's a bit of a dickhead but he's not rapey"."

Or they would if I called him on this publicly.

Which I'm not going to do, because there is zero point.

But... he's a woman now?

I just... I haven't got enough expletives for this. WTAF?

He's not a woman. He was never a woman.

He used to be a fairly pretty bloke who looked surprisingly good in a dress back in 2002, but turned out to be a massive bellend and a rapey piece of shit.

Always and forever a dickhead. Never a woman.

And I can't even say that without sounding people out first, because I don't actually dare say "he's not a woman; he's a rapist" until I've ascertained whether the people I'm talking to believe in genderism or not.

I'm feeling I have to check the political beliefs of everyone around me before I dare to mention that some dickhead raped me.

WTAF is basically all I've got at this point.

You are not unreasonable.

Other people are unreasonable if they expect you to respect your male rapist's 'gender identity'.

I'm sorry you have had such a bad time, and even more sorry that you can't talk to mutual acquaintances about the fact that this person raped you. This is a nasty, abusive person and, sadly, like so many abusers, someone who picks on people who won't be believed, who have less 'social capital'.
I wish you healing.

See how he gets on with that exclaimation of innocence OP. I don't think it'll wash with anyone in the judiciary. He would of course protest around the issue of his gender and it could take a long time to get justice.

But he should pay for what he's done to you. I hope you find peace.

YANBU. Most definitely not. He’s using this as a back to hide who he really is. I hope it’s because he’s thoroughly disgusted and ashamed with what he has done. Although it’s cowardly. But he can call himself whatever he wants - Mickey Mouse, Annabell, Bob, Toothbrush, anything. The name won’t change who he is.

Yanbu. And, fuck anyone who gaslights you about the sex of the male who used his male body to violate you.

He's not a woman, never ever ever, because 'woman' isn't a costume or a feeling.

Society is being very unreasonable to even make you think of asking such a question. I hope this ends soon, and men who like wearing dresses can be accepted as men who like wearing dresses, and men who want to hide their past can't get protection just by changing their "identity."

He's a man, everyone knows he's a man. He's a rapist, only you know he's a rapist, that still makes him a rapist.
Protect yourself above everything else. You certainly don't have to call him Annabell, she, or anything else.
He's shown what he's capable of & he won't differ much from that throughout his life. Like most of these violent/aggressive men his demands will wear down everyone eventually & he'll stop being "good old Mark" & people's dislike of him will become obvious within social circles. It's entirely possible more stories will start to emerge.

Annabellend would be a great nick name for him, don't you think?

And no, ‘not guilty’ does not equal ‘innocent’ ffs

Thank you Alicewond for reminding me that the fact that I was raped is utterly inconsequential because the law is so rigged against women that I never saw any point in reporting this incident.

Really, I am bowled over by the compassion and humanity you have shown me tonight.

If you'd like to take the above as a euphemism for something that would probably get me deleted, feel free.

When only 3% of rape cases result in a guilty conviction, it's no wonder people don't want to report. Please ignore the idiotic poster who said it means nothing.

This man violated you, and you have a right to use any words you want to describe him. He doesn't not deserve your courtesy and respect.

Tyro, I think most people would be shocked by that ridiculous response. So few people report for obvious reasons.

I'm so sorry that yet another woman has been so badly hurt by this madness.

For all those saying that only the individual themselves is affected - bullshit. This has real life consequences. This rapist who has already hurt @Tyrotoxicity badly is compounding the injury by claiming to be of the same class.

You have every right to be angry with everyone who enables this.

OP, I feel your anger and pain. I have been raped by several people and the fear of saying anything because of what people will think of me (because they won’t see him as the type), with the first one I kept it to myself for almost 20 years, it wasn’t until he killed himself that I felt I could talk, I also felt a huge sense of relief because he could no longer hurt anyone. The 2nd I reported and went through the horrible process of being interviewed, asked the most awful questions only to be told I was lying and seeking revenge . I am 3 years on now and I don’t hold anger towards him, I pity him and I worry that he may rape others, if he does and they report him the police know I would tell my story in court to get the bastard sent down.

It makes no difference who your rapist identifies as, he’s a man with a weapon in his pants, a rapist. Please seek some counselling, talk to people. Hopefully eventually he will get what he deserves.

I am so sorry. Chilling that he identifies out of what he did to you. Please keep yourself safe and away from him.

He's a rapist and should go by that as a name. Ffs.

I'd show him exactly the same amount of respect as he showed you - less than zero.

I highly recommend Rape Crisis. It took me 20 years to get help and I wish I had gone sooner. I was trying to fool myself in to forgetting I was raped. I was later sexually assualted which dredged everything back up.

I'm not altogether sure I would still be here without Rape Crisis.

Legally he’s never been convicted and unless people report him to the police he will always be innocent. All this chat is pointless otherwise

I've just checked the dictionary definition of the word rapist. It's succinct and clear. Strangely enough, there's no mention whatsoever that it only applies if they've been reported to the police or been convicted.

I haven't checked the definition of 'innocent' yet. Or 'man', for that matter. I'm confident, though, that they will be just as precise and clear.

Tyrotoxicity, I am so sorry for what was done to you by this man. I am so sorry for what is happening now. You call him anything you like. 💐