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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not call my rapist Annabel

121 replies

Tyrotoxicity · 17/08/2019 00:54

Because it's not his name.

His name's Mark.

But he gets to hide behind "Annabel".

AIBU to not know what the hell to think or how to react when my rapist declares he's a woman?

OP posts:
WhentheRabbitsWentWild · 17/08/2019 06:52

This reply has been deleted

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WhentheRabbitsWentWild · 17/08/2019 06:54

Note militant . I have known, in my life, two male to female trans and they just wanted to blend in quietly and get on with life as a female . Those I have no issue with.
The shits like this Mark though .....

SimplySteveRedux · 17/08/2019 07:12

You're sailing pretty close to victim blaming there @Alicewond . A woman is raped every six minutes in the UK, sexual assault more often yet the conviction rate is laughably low, with an estimated 95% of crimes unreported, sentencing laughably light. The system is totally rigged against people who are sexually assaulted and raped, a lack,of conviction often causing depression and anxiety in the victim, indeed PTSD, sadly, very common in victims of rape/sexual assault, with not being believed a massive head fuck.

MerdedeBrexit · 17/08/2019 07:17

It's not being recorded anywhere - there is no way in hell a rape charge would have stuck at the time, let alone later - point blank ignoring the "no" and telling her she's wrong and she really means "yes" until she finally lies back and thinks of England because it's clearly happening regardless and she can't find any other way out isn't really "I demonstrated my no enough for the courts to believe"
I'm sorry to digress as this is not my story, but this is exactly what I felt when a "friend" raped me 35 years ago. Up till now, I've not been able to voice it coherently. And it's not right, although I was drunk I still said no, a lot, I did NOT lead him on.
Sorry, thank you for letting me let that out.
Flowers for you in coming to terms with this shit. YANBU to call him by his name or any suitable expletive, but not Annabel.

Agrona · 17/08/2019 07:17

OP, sorry some person decided to victim blame, which is what it seems to be.

You have a right to anger and to express your anger and pain. Anyone who dismisses you does so for their own reasons.

YouJustDoYou · 17/08/2019 07:20

I'm so sorry op. He's a rapist - deciding he's now "Annabel" will never, ever change that. Men get away with rape almost all the time. With only 1.7% of convictions ever recorded, it's a fucking horror of a shit show. And now Mark gets to prance around as Annabel and all the speshal attention he gets for that, whilst you'releft with the repercussions of what he did to you. I'm so sorry op.

ControversialFerret · 17/08/2019 07:35

Oh lovey.

I believe you.

YANBU.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 17/08/2019 07:49

If he doesn't like "Mark", call him "Rapist".

This self-ID-ing crap has gone waaaaay too far.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you - and I know just where you are coming from when you describe what happened to you. JUST where you're coming from.

But as you say, especially umpteen years ago, accepting the inevitable because it prevented physically being beaten wasn't accepted.

It's very, very difficult to put something like this behind you, because your life is full of "what if I'd . . . ".

But you are NBU to refuse to pander to his ridiculous self-indulgent whims.

Ivestoppedreadingthenews · 17/08/2019 07:54

I am so sorry this rapist has been getting away with his crime, but it does not change for a minute that he raped you and is a criminal. You have every right to say so. He cannot transition out of being a rapist.

Ivestoppedreadingthenews · 17/08/2019 07:57

I know two F2M transmen and I am pretty certain they would agree with me.

youarenotkiddingme · 17/08/2019 07:57

Another non reporter here because I didn't feel I could demonstrate my no in court.
The fact you say no doesn't seem to be enough. There's no proof you said it.

It's horrific.

But I'd certainly not be calling him Anabel. Mark cunt or rapist would be my only choices.

womaninthedark · 17/08/2019 08:26

Talk to Rape Crisis. Get some support, some real life acknowledgement of what happened to you. Be heard.

As for him, the world has gone crazy. Not content with controlling women socially, professionally, physically and financially, doing what the fuck they like even as far as killing women, men now find they can define what a woman is and help themselves to any bits of that identity they might want. If you find yourself compelled to address him as 'Annabel', add a gentle 'M' at the start. 'Manabel'.

Wereeaglesdare · 17/08/2019 08:32

He doesn't get to be a fucking woman. HE HATES WOMEN. All men who rape hate women. He should be referred to as major cunt.
I think your amazing for finding the strength to do this. My virginity was stolen by my older boyfriend when I was 14/15. I never reported it because I put it down to boys being boys. I know now how wrong I was to do that. I confronted him some years later and got an apology. I am so angry for younger me who never got that choice because of me saying no repeatedly then i cried and he eventually stopped but by then it was too late. I thought well it can't be rape because he eventually stopped.but that deffinately impacted my choices when I was younger. Lowered my self esteem and then began all the abusive relationships that followed including other sexual assault and grooming. Only when I hit rock bottom was I able to stand up as an adult and let it go for the sake of my own mental health. I think women like yourself are amazing. I only wish I'd had the strength to stand up at the time.

I hope karma exists and the balance is restored. I wish you all the best with the court case. Thank you for standing up for all the women like us and letting the bastards no they can't get away with this.

RushianDisney · 17/08/2019 08:47

You've been so strong OP Flowers I think you should get yourself some real life support, Rape Crisis has already been suggested and would be a good place to start. I've been raped by two boyfriends, and with both I knew there was no hope of conviction. I can't imagine how I would feel if one of them suddenly decided they were a woman, with one I can see the potential for transing as he had some 'kinks' that would lend themselves well to play acting a woman. Disgusting scum all of them.

JacksonCage · 17/08/2019 08:50

He is not a woman. It's not a feeling. His biology will always mean he is a man.

And him now identifying as a "woman" will never erase the fact that he is a rapist.

I am so sorry you've had to live with the consequences of his vile actions for so long.

catwithnohat · 17/08/2019 09:13
Flowers
Campervan69 · 17/08/2019 09:53

YANBU

This is the reality of the situation. Men are abusing the system. Who ever thought that predators and criminals would not?

Women's rights are disappearing at a rate of knots being cheered on by woke idiots.

What a legacy to leave our daughters.

They are no longer women, they are menstruators, uterus havers, pregnant people, carriers.... the demeaning language towards women continues apace.

Meanwhile men's right continue to accumulate.

Welcome to Gilead.

IamEarthymama · 17/08/2019 10:10

I can’t imagine how this must make you feel
Changing your name doesn’t give you a personality transplant and in this case is no doubt being used to facilitate access to vulnerable women
I bet ‘Annabel’ hasn’t signed up to have his genitalia mutilated, however much He has always known he was a “woman”

I am sure the women in the TransWidows thread would understand how you are feeling.
Sending big love, and you know, this is all on him not you.

Ereshkigal · 17/08/2019 17:54

YANBU, clearly, Tyro Thanks

Grimbles · 17/08/2019 18:00

OP. I believe you and YANBU

mbosnz · 17/08/2019 18:03

You are not being unreasonable.

He lost the right to self-determination when he took away your right to self determination.

His name is Mark, and he is a rapist. And calling himself Annabel ain't ever going to change that.

needanappp · 17/08/2019 18:11

Your rapist is not a man or a woman they're an inhuman piece of scum.

cwg1 · 17/08/2019 19:54
Flowers
Original poster
Tyrotoxicity · 17/08/2019 20:32

The ratio of appalled to victim-blaming responses has been very comforting. Flowers for all who can understand what I'm feeling all too well through personal experience.

I can't decide between upgrading what I normally call him from 'Mark bloody [surname]' to 'Mannabel fucking rapist [surname]' or 'Annabellend fucking rapist [surname].' Perhaps a fusion of the two. Mannabellend. It works rather well I think.

With hindsight he was a very obvious candidate for pulling an 'I'm a woman now' stunt, and it turns out it's been going on for a year or more and I just somehow didn't hear about it on the grapevine. Yet it still came as a hell of a shock.

So much to talk to my therapist about. To those who suggested Rape Crisis - thank you, but I'm already in with local specialist trauma services, which is handy.

Probably shouldn't have reacted by hitting the nearest bottle of spirits that hard. Possibly should have resisted the urge to talk openly about what he did, using his name, on facebook (still mulling over that one). Sick to death of giving rapists the protection of my silence though.

OP posts:
2BthatUnnoticed · 17/08/2019 23:06

Wereeaglesdare Flowers
Rushian Flowers

Sorry for what happened to you, it’s awful when men commit criminal offences and seem to “get away with it.” But I’m convinced karma will get them. Solidarity to you.