to think a mother shouldn't say this

[ShootingstarsHope]

I might be BU but I can't shake my head around how a mother can say this.

I befriended a mother in the school playground a couple of years ago - our DDs are friends - and she had her last baby 8 months ago, a boy. She has 6 children in total now four boys, two girls. Oldest is around 14 I believe. She's Caucasian with blue eyes and is married to a man of Hispanic descent and all of her children have beautiful brown eyes except her youngest who has her blue eyes. I recently met up with her and another friend for some coffee and other friend commented on her baby's blue eyes, saying he's mummy's mini.

She responded with "They are definitely mine, 6 children and all I asked is for one of them to have blue eyes. None of them until my DS" and she similarly said a couple of months ago "I waited 14 years to get my blue-eyed baby"

I probably know I am BU but I've had 2 miscarriages in the past and my DD is my only child although I would have loved more. Surely, the only thing you ask is for your baby to be healthy? Not on what you hope they'll have appearance-wise?

I'm friends with her on FB as well, and all of her photos are of baby and one or two with her youngest DD and her baby brother.

I think you are reading too much into this because of your history. People just say stuff. I talk about how neither of my DCs dont look anything like me but I still wouldn't change them for anything (even though one is not even healthy!).

It's just idle chit chat.

You are reading far too much into it, op.
People who have had healthy babies and get pregnant easily simply don’t think about stuff like this. She wasn’t being rude, just perhaps a little unthinking.

Sorry but you’re overthinking this.

You're reading far too much into this. I've got more photos of ny youngest because the oldest doesn't want his picture taken anymore, there's also nothing wrong with wanting one of your kids to have similar features?

I think yabu, I have 4 and all have their dads brown eyes. I had hoped one would have my green eyes, I still think they’re beautiful though.

Nothing wrong with what she said

I wanted my daughter to have red hair (like mine). Doesn't mean I don't love her because she's more blonde! Eye colour is tricky though - women from certain backgrounds can be judged as being more or less attractive based on skin lightness and eye colour. It doesn't sound as if she meant it that way, but I think she might need to consider that someone else could interpret it badly.

It’s just chat imo, I always wanted a baby with brown eyes and dark curly hair, none are remotely like that but still perfect (to me )

I have a friend and her mother made a similar comment when friends dd2 was born. She is the only grandchild with blue eyes.
The same woman also commented on how long my dd was, unlike her "beautiful petite grand daughter" 😡

I suppose you're all right, I think I am BU. I have brown eyes and my sister has blue, but if my parents ever compared them by saying those things I'd have felt horrible so I hope her other children don't catch onto the blue-eyed favouritism (if it even is that).

Thank you for the replies

@Booboostwo I hope your child's health improves.

You're overthinking this.
But I also am over thinking your comment of "as long as they're healthy". My youngest isn't healthy, but I still wouldn't change her.
People say things all the time, I'm sure she wouldn't be without her other children.

I think its just a flippant comment tbf.. I have 3 beautiful kiddies, all of them look the double of their dad (middle kid is freakishly like dh) but I often joke that it took me three attempts to get a ginger ninja (im a redhead, dh and the older kids both blondies)

Yanbu. A lot of white people in mixed race relationships throw about stupid comments like this. My bil often comments on how it’s ‘strange’ that despite his daughters being half-white they are darker skinned / eyed than the fully Indian kids in the family. It’s not strange it’s luck of the draw!

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. She’s reinforcing stereotypes that magazines try make us buy into about beauty.

You're projecting your own experiences on to this woman. She's had 6 kids and wanted one with blue eyes like her. It's like when people wait for a girl or a boy. It absolutely goes without saying that they are hugely grateful the babies are all healthy and love them to bits. It's probably said partly a bit tongue in cheek but I'm sure she means it too. It must be lovely for her to have a child on whom people finally comment that it looks like her.
I had many losses between my DC due to a previously undiagnosed condition but even I can understand how this woman feels.

You're definitely overthinking this!

I always wanted a curly haired or ginger (or both) child. My dad was a redhead. Instead all mine were blond turning to mousy brown with straight hair. Obviously I wouldn't change them. (Though sometimes it's tempting!)

And my Facebook is mainly pics of my youngest as the others are teenagers and don't come out with me as much or want their photo taken.

I think it’s natural to want to see something of yourself in your children? My eldest looks a lot like me but you can definitely see some bits of dh family in him too. My youngest is the spitting image of dh. There is nothing of me in him at all!! I did find it odd for a while, and sometimes I find myself looking at him searching extra hard for some similarity. There is definitely none 😂
Dh is left handed and really really hoped that one of ours would be the same. They’re not. He still complains about that occasionally!
I think it’s very normal.

Reminds me of that Jane Elliot "brown eyes/blue eyes" experiment from the 60s.

YABU yes but you know this. She never said she doesn't love any of the others because they don't have blue eyes.

i don't understand what the problem is here

I agree with the others. It's jokey chit chat.

I would also take up with "as long as it's healthy" comment. I have a disabled daughter and I really detest that comment.
To me it makes my daughter less of a person, as though she doesn't matter because she wasn't born "normal". I do actually detest it more than "as long as they have 10 fingers and toes" (she's missing a hand) which is more personal, but I find less dismissive.

YABU. I have four DC, all have their dads eyes. I love my DC but I had hoped that at least one would have had my green eyes.
I also had 4 pregnancy losses, not that it has any bearing on the situation.

yanbu. She probably didn;t mean it the way it came out...I mean there is a world of difference between 'I'm glad at least one of my DC inherited my eye colour' and 'I kept having kids till I got a blue eyed one, because blue eyes are the BEST'.

I had to point out to my DD that she seems to associate privilege/beauty/goodness with blue eyes in a way that is understandable given the cultural biases in kids books, but should probably be avoided in general.

We all have built in biases - its part of being human. but its our duty to realise they are unfounded and challenge them - certainly not to perpetuate them!

So sorry for your losses. It understandably would rub you the wrong way to hear something like that. However I think most people who haven't experienced the losses you have would take it as being said in jest. I can't imagine any mother caring (for real) beyond having a healthy child. Saying things that may come across to you as cruel, probably are just said being silly.