Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think a mother shouldn't say this

124 replies

ShootingstarsHope · 16/08/2019 13:29

I might be BU but I can't shake my head around how a mother can say this.

I befriended a mother in the school playground a couple of years ago - our DDs are friends - and she had her last baby 8 months ago, a boy. She has 6 children in total now four boys, two girls. Oldest is around 14 I believe. She's Caucasian with blue eyes and is married to a man of Hispanic descent and all of her children have beautiful brown eyes except her youngest who has her blue eyes. I recently met up with her and another friend for some coffee and other friend commented on her baby's blue eyes, saying he's mummy's mini.

She responded with "They are definitely mine, 6 children and all I asked is for one of them to have blue eyes. None of them until my DS" and she similarly said a couple of months ago "I waited 14 years to get my blue-eyed baby"

I probably know I am BU but I've had 2 miscarriages in the past and my DD is my only child although I would have loved more. Surely, the only thing you ask is for your baby to be healthy? Not on what you hope they'll have appearance-wise? Sad

I'm friends with her on FB as well, and all of her photos are of baby and one or two with her youngest DD and her baby brother.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 16/08/2019 15:22

God you're really over thinking this. Six kids, of course you'd like one to look like you. It's hardly the parenting crime of the century nor does it mean she doesn't love all her kids deeply.

DarlingNikita · 16/08/2019 15:23

Sparkl, I'm not sure what your problem with my post is. It's hardly unusual for a poster to ask another about something they've mentioned, googleable or not. Do you police many threads and send people snarky comments about this subject?

cornish009 · 16/08/2019 15:26

That's something I might well have said, but then there would be something else I would say about the other children too. When you have a large family, and now as a foster carer it's larger still, I think it's important to make everyone feel special in some way. And I guess having beautiful blue eyes is as good a thing as anything to say, just as another I would say beautiful black/blond.brown hair, or one child reads beautifully or draws really well, or even things like this one washes up properly or the best one to keep their room clean.. make them all feel special in some way every day. So I wouldn't have worried at all about this comment.

Sparklfairy · 16/08/2019 15:26

@DarlingNikita you said 'i beg your pardon' and I answered it. Personally I Google stuff I'm ignorant about rather than sit back and wait for someone else to do the work for me. But each to their own.

DarlingNikita · 16/08/2019 15:29

I'm not sure why you persist in being snarky to me, Sparkl, but go right ahead if it makes you feel clever or something.

SuzieBishop · 16/08/2019 15:29

I’m sorry for your losses but she definitely wouldn’t of said it in a mean way, it’s just chat. You’re over thinking it.

Disfordarkchocolate · 16/08/2019 15:29

I really wanted my youngest to have his Dad's green eyes. Still, think he's the bee's knees even though he doesn't. I used to think I just wanted a healthy baby then someone on here that their baby wasn't 'healthy', but they were still perfect.

Polydactyly · 16/08/2019 15:35

I don’t think people really think a lot when they say things like this. I’d have loved a tiny version of my partner. He has lovely blonde hair and very unusual eyes. I also hoped for a boy thinking they were easier because I already had one.
Here I am sat with my dark haired baby girl who looks to be developing brown eyes (although sometimes they look grey like her dad). I wouldn’t change her for the world! She’s gorgeous even if I do say so myself. I do think you shouldn’t really say this stuff in front of kids in case it gives them a complex of some sort.

Sparklfairy · 16/08/2019 15:35

@DarlingNikita I'm not snarky at all. I genuinely asked if there was a reason that you couldn't Google the answer yourself? And then you confronted me... I'm pretty sure 'i beg your pardon' is about the same amount of letters as what it would take to actually Google what you asked about. IMO it was lazy, but I wouldn't hold it against you. I am lucky enough to be in friendship groups that are direct yet friendly, so I've done similar this week (and received!!) Very direct answers without backlash

AllieDidNotDeserveBea · 16/08/2019 15:43

YABU. I think it's just wanting to see a bit of your own genetics in your baby, things like eye/hair colour. I thought DD would have brown eyes like her dad but she came out with blue eyes like me/mum/sister/nan etc, and everyone comments how she has my eyes etc, that doesnt mean her having brown eyes would be an issue but if i'd had 5 and they all brown eyes, I would hope just for one to have my blue eyes to pass down.

Longlongsummer · 16/08/2019 15:43

YABU sorry.

This was a natural response to your question. She wasn’t being overly rude or selfish. If we all tiptoed to that extent the conversation would be stilted.

That said, there’s nothing against you saying back, you are lucky to have so many kids, can’t imagine what it’s like if you want one and can’t have one.

WorraLiberty · 16/08/2019 15:52

As others have said, you're massively overthinking it OP.

You should see some of the threads about ginger hair on MN. There are posters commenting things like...

"I was so upset my baby didn't have ginger hair".

"I cried when my baby's hair went from ginger to brown".

"I'm praying the child I'm carrying will be born with ginger hair".

They're just parental preferences and some people are more OTT about these things than others.

IHateUncleJamie · 16/08/2019 15:54

Is it really a thing to hope for a certain eye or hair colour? Confused

Maybe I’m coming at it from a different angle because dd19 took 5 years of endo treament/miscarriage/fertility treatment followed by a difficult pregnancy and labour and emergency c section but I was so delighted to finally have a baby it never occurred to me to hope for or wish for anything in terms of aesthetics. Not least because I couldn’t have any more children.

Dd doesn’t have my blue or DHs brown eyes or either of our hair colours. She’s got hair that changes from dark gold to brown to gold and golden/hazel eyes. She looks a little like DH but nothing like me. Naturally I think she’s absolutely beautiful. Grin

I’ve heard of people with several boys longing for a girl (or vice versa) but I’ve never known anyone IRL who wished for a “mini me” or a particular eye/hair/skin colour. I’m genuinely surprised by this.

So no @ShootingstarsHope I don’t think YABU.

Lweji · 16/08/2019 15:57

Don't all parents want to see something of themselves in their children?

Blue eyes can be one of those things.

I think it's a perfectly normal comment.

If the children's father has brown eyes but one blue copy, I'd have expected half of her children to have blue eyes, but statistics doesn't work like that. It's unusual that 5/6 have brown eyes, but perfectly possible.
I'd only be suspicious (as a father), as a pp mentioned, if none of my ancestors had blue or green eyes at all.

Rachelle11 · 16/08/2019 16:02

If I'd been able to have biological children I hoped they would look like me a bit. I was pregnant after 10 years of infertility and while I ultimately lost the baby I still hoped it would have my eyes. Maybe because I am adopted but whatever the reason I don't feel bad thinking that. I don't think it's an act of vanity that you'd like one in six kids to resemble you.

OhtheHillsareAlive · 16/08/2019 16:04

I think it's quite understandable that the woman who conceived, bore and laboured to birth a child might like to be able to see that that child had something of hers about it.

Blue eyes are a recessive gene, so it's probably nice for your friend to have an obvious indication of her child's mother's genes!

I think you're over-sensitive - again, understandably. Look, you just have to let some things go. Or try to puzzle out why you're so upset; as your friend hasn't said anything out of the ordinary. We like to see ourselves & our shared genetic heritage in our children.

So maybe it's a learning moment for you, about yourself. THat's what to think about.

BillywilliamV · 16/08/2019 16:07

I always say that I would have loved a ginger baby. It’s s throwaway remark, you are reading far too much into this.

micah · 16/08/2019 16:07

I'd laugh and ask her why she married a hispanic man if she wanted a blue eyed baby Wink

Should have chosen a scandinavian.

I don't think it matters unless blatant favouritism is shown . And I have seen that happen over something as simple as eye colour.

YouJustDoYou · 16/08/2019 16:23

I've had people ask if I'm the childminder - "oh, they don't look like you, do they?" me - ....lol, ok. I also lost a baby, and am just grateful I have live children. I t does twinge a bit sometimes when people assume I'm not their mum, but to be honest, they're strangers and at the end of the day as long as my children are happy and loved, I try not to give a shit that they don't really look like me.

TumblingTumbleWeeds · 16/08/2019 16:24

I knew a couple who had five boys. They had hoped the fifth was going to be a girl. If it was a girl then the mother would have said the same thing as your friend only about the sex. It would not have meant she was a misandrist.

I hoped my son's eye were going to be the same color as mine, very green but alas they are a brownish hazel. My husband has blue eyes.

georgialondon · 16/08/2019 16:34

I think you're projecting, sorry.

ishouldbedoingsomework · 16/08/2019 16:56

She may not even have meant it- it may well have been a lighthearted, jokey comment..
I may have sometimes threatened DS to throw all of his toys away if he didn't tidy them up. I wouldn't have actually done it.
People say things like this all of the time and there is nothing whatsoever behind it.
I too only have one DC and would have had more- I hope you come to terms with it- I'm sure you will. Flowers

msmith501 · 16/08/2019 16:57

Overthinking it or just not thinking at all to be honest. It's idle chat crap. No more, no less.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 16/08/2019 17:00

You can't help how you feel op. But I often lament that my ds looks nothing like me at all, but he was my miracle baby and I thank God every day for him and still would even if he looked like shrek.
I'm sure it was a throw away comment / making conversation

Sewrainbow · 16/08/2019 17:02

Yanbu - it is chit chat and as long as the dc dont hear it it wont do anu harm. I thought you were going to say something different.

I've just come from a holiday where a mother and father were constantly saying shut up to their toddler around the pool every cry he made and quite aggressively, now a parent shouldn't say that! I felt sorry for him, it was over several days not just a one off Sad