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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think a mother shouldn't say this

124 replies

ShootingstarsHope · 16/08/2019 13:29

I might be BU but I can't shake my head around how a mother can say this.

I befriended a mother in the school playground a couple of years ago - our DDs are friends - and she had her last baby 8 months ago, a boy. She has 6 children in total now four boys, two girls. Oldest is around 14 I believe. She's Caucasian with blue eyes and is married to a man of Hispanic descent and all of her children have beautiful brown eyes except her youngest who has her blue eyes. I recently met up with her and another friend for some coffee and other friend commented on her baby's blue eyes, saying he's mummy's mini.

She responded with "They are definitely mine, 6 children and all I asked is for one of them to have blue eyes. None of them until my DS" and she similarly said a couple of months ago "I waited 14 years to get my blue-eyed baby"

I probably know I am BU but I've had 2 miscarriages in the past and my DD is my only child although I would have loved more. Surely, the only thing you ask is for your baby to be healthy? Not on what you hope they'll have appearance-wise? Sad

I'm friends with her on FB as well, and all of her photos are of baby and one or two with her youngest DD and her baby brother.

OP posts:
AngelasAshes · 16/08/2019 17:10

She’s joking around. My BIL and his wife had five daughters and the sixth was a boy. They’d always wanted six kids to begin with and don’t care about 5 girls and 1 boy, but they’ll joke around about “had to have five girls to finally get a son!”

purplehamster · 16/08/2019 17:32

It is weird though I expected my DS to be blonde or Ginger like one of us. But he was born with the darkest brown hair and I was really surprised, but it changed colour about age six months. My MIL loves that DS looks so much like her beloved son and always makes a big point of it !

Lowlandlucky · 16/08/2019 17:35

Op, you need to lighten up

AllFourOfThem · 16/08/2019 17:39

I probably know I am BU but I've had 2 miscarriages in the past and my DD is my only child although I would have loved more. Surely, the only thing you ask is for your baby to be healthy? Not on what you hope they'll have appearance-wise?

I’ve had two miscarriages and experienced a baby dying neonatally but can still understand someone wanting their child to inherit a particular characteristic.

None of my children have my dark brown eyes. I’m not sure what characteristics of mine they have inherited but what I do love is that they all look so similar and that is something I would have chosen if I could have done.

WaterOffaDucksCrack · 16/08/2019 17:39

I agree people just say things.

I understand how you feel following losses, I've had 5 myself. However, I'm 100% sure I've said things about my son that have made people feel how you feel. Of course I haven't meant to but I do think something in our society today has made people think things are personal digs all the time when that really isn't the case.

Bbang · 16/08/2019 17:41

Yabu.

I have three mixed race children two with their dads gorgeous amber brown eyes and one with my light blue eyes, I’m ecstatic to have at least one of my children resemble me. Doesn’t mean I suddenly don’t like my other children or their eyes 😂 doesn’t quite work like that.

Not sure what relevance the posting of photos has, I take more of my daughter as my eldest hates having his photo taken again not an indicator of preference.

FYI I have had 9 miscarriages and my daughter Daisy passed as she was just born too soon, so really being grateful about health has nothing to do with it. It’s okay to want one of your children to look like you.

lljkk · 16/08/2019 18:21

tbh, MN wouldn't exist if all we cared about was just them being healthy (!) And someone could even say that OP's wish is insensitive b/c ultimately you get what you're given & that might be high physical needs (not very healthy at all) -- doesn't stop the love you feel for them.

Her comment was all about herself. No one else.

Bubbletrouble43 · 16/08/2019 19:29

I think you may be reading too much into what she's saying. I have to admit that I have said similar , my 3rd child is the spitting image of me whereas the other two ( including her twin!!) look nothing like me, they are all their dad. I'm chuffed about that, maybe weirdly, but don't favour her at all.

Jellycat1 · 16/08/2019 20:07

I think you're overthinking. However Thanks for your losses.
My DH and I both have brown eyes. DS1 has brown eyes. DS2 has very pale steely blue eyes. I love looking at them. Lots of family members on both sides have blue eyes, in fact DH and I are the anomalies in our respective families for having brown eyes, so we were massively surprised but I love having one of each. All very fascinating.

Jellycat1 · 16/08/2019 20:08

*weren't massively surprised

Waveysnail · 16/08/2019 20:12

Dh always joked he wants a blue eye child like him - all ours are brown like me. Just conversation

WhyBirdStop · 16/08/2019 20:14

I've said at least I know he's mice, when people have commented on DSs eye colour, he essentially has DHs entire face (strangers even comment) but my eye colour. It's nice to see just a little of yourself in your offspring, that's all she means. I'm sorry for your losses.

UnholyStramash · 16/08/2019 21:47

We joke about in our family about eye colour. We’re careful who we say it in front of and the 4 DC are all grown up now and know it’s a joke. We probably wouldn’t speak like that in front of strangers. Hmm With one dark-eyed and one blue-eyed parent and 4 children we are like a genetics textbook as we have 3 with brown eyes and one blue. Google inheritance of eye colour if you don’t understand what I’m talking about as I cba explaining. It’s very interesting.

Siameasy · 16/08/2019 21:56

I longed for my DC to have brown eyes..and she has. People love to rabbit on about their kids
Neither DH or I do have brown eyes so🤷‍♀️ she is the milkman’s (me green, he hazel).

amy85 · 16/08/2019 22:04

Nothing wrong with what she said. I have 3 kids, eldest looks nothing like me, middle looks a lot like me whereas my youngest is identical to me...I have said numerous times "it took three attempts but I finally got a mini me" it probably sounds even worse when I say it as my eldest two are boys and my youngest is a girl lol

Sceptre86 · 16/08/2019 22:07

My dd has brown eyes like me (but a lot lighter), ds has hazel eyes like his dad. Ds has jet black hair just like mine whereas dd's hair is a beautiful shade of auburn which is so very similar to my cousins daughters. There is no harm in saying you want one of your kids to have physical traits like yours as long as you dont favour them over your other kids because of it. That would be shitty. Yabu but it's understandable x

WanderingTrolley1 · 16/08/2019 22:07

She sounds a bit thick, to me.

Lweji · 16/08/2019 22:30

She sounds a bit thick, to me.

Why?

JoeMaplin · 16/08/2019 23:23

Just jokey chat. My first had (has) blonde hair and blue eyes. And an often used to saying jokingly that I wished for a child with my colouring as I felt like his Nanny! I'm sorry about your losses x

JoeMaplin · 16/08/2019 23:25

UnholyStramash

We are the textbook too then - one blue eyed, blonde and 3 dark!

IABUQueen · 16/08/2019 23:33

I feel a bit silly but I did feel sensitive for a while that my son who I love every bone of has taken nothing from
Me and everything from
His dad and dads family.

Lol. I suffered multiple miscarriages and his health was the biggest blessing especially that he struggled in my womb. But still Grin

I think he is the most handsome toddler my eyes ever seen. I love him to bits and can’t stop admiring him. I used to think his dad was a weird looking toddler but now that he is spot image of him I think he is the most gorgeous and photos didn’t do him justice.

But I still wish I can take credit for his genes with something. I keep hoping he will grow into my features Grin

I do feel petty though

Lweji · 17/08/2019 00:53

With one dark-eyed and one blue-eyed parent and 4 children we are like a genetics textbook as we have 3 with brown eyes and one blue.

Actually, textbook for that parental set up, would have been 2 blue eyed (bb) and 2 brown (Bb).

-- | B | b
b |Bb | bb
b |Bb | bb

The 3 brown (1BB + 2Bb) and 1 blue (bb) is when both parents have brown eyes, and both with a blue copy.

-- | B | b
B |BB | Bb
b |Bb | bb

HoppingPavlova · 17/08/2019 01:11

Lweji , what is the set up then for us where we have 2 blue eyed parents, blue eyes children except for 1 with brown? Definitely our kid (genetic testing for other reasons) and DH definitely the father. No brown eyes in either family going back a few generations, although who knows if there was some hanky panky between someone and a person with brown eyes at some time but you would think then that some of their offspring would have had brown eyes.

IABUQueen · 17/08/2019 01:30

I think the textbook is pretty basic so kids can undertssnd genetics but eye colouring and hair colouring and many other things are more complex than that.

There are shades and complex genetics involved.

It’s just a small indication but not to be taken as accurate.

Lweji · 17/08/2019 01:51

It's rare indeed, but possible for blue eyed parents to have a brown eyed child, because eye colour genetics is not as simple as a single gene.

genetics.thetech.org/how-blue-eyed-parents-can-have-brown-eyed-children

The above model has two genes. For brown eyes, it's necessary at least one functional copy of each gene to produce the brown pigment.
It's possible that each parent carried a functional copy of different genes and the child happened to inherit both functional copies.

There may be other reasons, to do with expression, or even somatic mutations.
And there are many other genes that also affect eye colour.