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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think a mother shouldn't say this

124 replies

ShootingstarsHope · 16/08/2019 13:29

I might be BU but I can't shake my head around how a mother can say this.

I befriended a mother in the school playground a couple of years ago - our DDs are friends - and she had her last baby 8 months ago, a boy. She has 6 children in total now four boys, two girls. Oldest is around 14 I believe. She's Caucasian with blue eyes and is married to a man of Hispanic descent and all of her children have beautiful brown eyes except her youngest who has her blue eyes. I recently met up with her and another friend for some coffee and other friend commented on her baby's blue eyes, saying he's mummy's mini.

She responded with "They are definitely mine, 6 children and all I asked is for one of them to have blue eyes. None of them until my DS" and she similarly said a couple of months ago "I waited 14 years to get my blue-eyed baby"

I probably know I am BU but I've had 2 miscarriages in the past and my DD is my only child although I would have loved more. Surely, the only thing you ask is for your baby to be healthy? Not on what you hope they'll have appearance-wise?

I'm friends with her on FB as well, and all of her photos are of baby and one or two with her youngest DD and her baby brother.

OP posts:

Lweji · 17/08/2019 01:54

The textbook model corresponds to the first model. As most models, it explains a lot, but not everything.

SimplySteveRedux · 17/08/2019 01:59

Oh shit, so she finally has her golden child, I wonder who she's chosen to be the scapegoat.

Dotty1970 · 17/08/2019 02:03

Your definately OTT on this one!
My photos are of my youngest ones, my eldest all run when I get the camera out cover their faces.
I have one child that looks like me and I always say at least I've got one good one, they know it's light hearted and everyone does.... Its not offensive! its just something you say when your 'proud' I can't think of a word, that they have something like you.
I had 4 miscarriages before children and 2 in between.... I'm sorry for your losses and understand your pain

WashingMyHair247 · 17/08/2019 02:07

Eye and hair colour didn't even cross my mind when I was pregnant. Though I was chuffed to discover my youngest has green eyes, I come from a long line of boring blue eyes. But I wouldn't take anything out of the mothers words, it's just chit chat

Eustasiavye · 17/08/2019 08:53

You would die hearing my dd2.
She would like one mixed race child, and a child with blonde hair and green eyes!
She is white so I've told her that would be interesting.

Lweji · 17/08/2019 09:22

Tell her to have children with a green eyed mixed race man from Cape Verde, then.

journals.plos.org/plosgenetics/article?id=10.1371/journal.pgen.1003372

Google search green eyes

Vivi890 · 17/08/2019 10:52

YABU. She didn’t say anything wrong. It’s perfectly normal and natural to want at least one of our children to share our features! My husband is very dark and so are DC. I’d love for one of them to have my blue eyes! It would just be nice. It doesn’t mean I value this above anything else!

Eustasiavye · 17/08/2019 11:28

Lweji
She wa Someone talk 2 children.
One to be mixed race and the other white with blonde hair and green eyes.
She isn’t mixed race and doesn’t have green eyes so I don’t think she’ll get that combination.

Eustasiavye · 17/08/2019 11:29

Bloody typos!
She wants 2 kids.
Both to look entirely different.

Babyg1995 · 17/08/2019 11:35

I don't see that problem totally rediculis if you think she shouldn't have said it she said nothing wrong my dp who is Spanish are expecting our first child together my other dc have blue eyes I've said oh would be lovely of the baby had my partners eyes it's just a comment no big deal.

Hangingwithmygnomies · 17/08/2019 11:46

With both my DS I was hoping they didn't get my red hair (horrendous bullying experience when I was a child over it) and was relieved when DS1 was born with a shock of dark hair, then he lost it and it came back a mousy colour but with copper strands. DS2 was born with flame red hair - I won't lie my heart dropped a little for him but it doesn't mean I love him any less than DS1! He's now 3 with an amazing crown of red hair and I sometimes call him my little ginger ninja lol! My guess is his mates will call him Ginge as he gets older so might as well make him resilient to it, so he doesn't get bullied like I did 🤷‍♀️

Lweji · 17/08/2019 13:36

She isn’t mixed race and doesn’t have green eyes so I don’t think she’ll get that combination.

See my post. She could still get that combination even from the same father if the father was the right person.

Green or blue eyes don't necessarily mean white.
And neither does blonde hair.

TeacherDeMFL · 17/08/2019 13:38

OP you’re overthinking this

user1472709746 · 17/08/2019 13:51

I wanted my second to have blue eyes like me. She has brown eyes like her sister and her father. Doesn't mean I find her any less beautiful and of course a healthy baby is always the main thing any new parent hopes for.

StCharlotte · 17/08/2019 14:14

if her husband doesn't have the blue "gene" in his DNA then she can have 30 kids with him but will never have one with blue eyes.
So if I were the partner of the OP's friend I would be wondering if the sixth kid were actually mine!

That's ridiculous! I am one of five. Both parents are brown-eyed, two of us, inc me, are blue-eyed and apart from the eyes, we are the image of our father (and each other - despite being 11 years apart - that would have been some affair!).

OP, I had loss and never did manage to have a child but I am really really struggling to find even a scrap of offence in her comment. I think you're reading waaay too much into it.

PancakeAndKeith · 17/08/2019 15:03

You can have brown eyes but carry the gene for blue eyes. Therefore two people with brown eyes can have a child with blue eyes. However the blue eye gene is recessive so both parents have to carry the gene.

In the case of the op’s friend she clearly carries the gene as she has blue eyes. There is no way of telling if her DH does if he has brown eyes.

So not ridiculous at all, just GCSE grade biology.

Lweji · 17/08/2019 15:05

That's ridiculous! I am one of five. Both parents are brown-eyed, two of us, inc me, are blue-eyed and apart from the eyes, we are the image of our father

The statement you quoted wasn't ridiculous at all.
Don't say comments are ridiculous if you don't understand genetics.

If a brown eyed parent really doesn't have a blue gene, then it's very difficult (although possible) for their offspring to have blue eyes, and the person should wonder if they're the parent.

If both your parents had brown eyes, it means both carried copies for blue eyes.

TeamUnicorn · 17/08/2019 15:26

This brown eyes business reminds me of a JK episode. 'well Jezza the baby can't be mine because he has brown eyes and mine are blue'

Anyway, just conversation. All 3 of my DC are 'mini-me's' and it is regularly pointed out. I generally give a wry smile, shake my head and say 'yeah, there's no denying they're mine'

cricketballs3 · 17/08/2019 15:54

Eye colour I've always found fascinating- PIL both have brown, DH has whilst officially on his passport brown are in reality 'mucky' a mix of brown, green and specs of grey. My DM had very vivid blue, Dad brown - my 2 sisters blue whilst I turned out to have my Dads colourings (eyes and skin tone).

DS1 is a mini me with my face shape, skin and hair colouring including the same dark brown eyes that I have whilst DS2 is mini DH (face shape, hair colour) but has the same vivid blue eyes that my mum and sisters have. To be honest I would question myself if I didn't know better the parentage of DS2 given the difference!

StCharlotte · 17/08/2019 16:44

Lweji

I'm sorry, this is the bit I meant about being ridiculous: "So if I were the partner of the OP's friend I would be wondering if the sixth kid were actually mine!". As you've said (and I am proof, as are many of us I expect) brown-eyed parents can have blue-eyed children if they have the recessive blue gene.

But are you saying that unless the father (in this case) has the recessive gene, the child wouldn't have blue eyes, notwithstanding the mother having blue eyes? Otherwise, surely it would be odd to doubt the child's parentage? If that is the case I apologise for my ignorance of genetics.

PancakeAndKeith · 17/08/2019 17:05

But are you saying that unless the father (in this case) has the recessive gene, the child wouldn't have blue eyes, notwithstanding the mother having blue eyes?

Yes, for the child to have blue eyes the father must have the recessive blue eye gene.

PancakeAndKeith · 17/08/2019 17:06

In this case, with the mother having blue eyes, I should say.

StCharlotte · 17/08/2019 18:15

Thanks PancakeAndKeith. Apologies to earlier PP.

Lweji · 17/08/2019 18:18

But the pp had first said it was in case the father didn't have the blue gene (allele to be correct - which is the name for the gene variants).

But are you saying that unless the father (in this case) has the recessive gene, the child wouldn't have blue eyes, notwithstanding the mother having blue eyes?

Yes. Because the child gets one copy from each parent.
Recessive means it is "masked" when the dominant allele is present.

That's how my DS has the most beautiful blue eyes. His dad has brown eyes but he clearly carries a recessive blue allele because his mother also has blue eyes.
Mine are green, btw.

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