To think a lot of affluent people in the UK are quite miserable?

[AliceAbsolum]

Maybe it's the circles I move in, but I see so many people who are not happy. I'm assuming they're not happy because:

-They're on antidepressants
-They use alcohol or food excessively
-They talk about moving away to a different place
-They talk about struggling with everyday life (kids/parents/jobs)
-They have time off work for stress
-They work long hours and feel overwhelmed
-Some are obsessed with exercise and clean eating and seem very tense

I feel like living in the UK (and not in poverty, as that's a whole different story) is such a privilege. I wouldn't last a week living on a dollar a day without electricity or running water! So why are so many people miserable?
For me I have come to the conclusion that I need more time outside. I spent a lot of time, especially in the winter staring at a screen, I feel like I'm surrounded by concrete and consumed by work stress. I don't feel like I have a strong sense of community (small family who live far away, and no children as an older millennial).

Do you think most people you know are happy with the lifestyle and culture in the UK?

There is a long hours culture I don't see as much in other European countries, as well as fewer bank holidays and shorter school holidays.

The U.K. has shorter weekly hours than the EU average. They work were hours than Greece, France, Spain, Portugal...

So why are so many people miserable?

You think of someone has money, they have nothing to worry about or can’t have mental health issues? How bizarre.

Well I guess there are unhappy people in all income brackets and, whilst wealth removes some stressors, it cannot remove them all, and creates others.

Wealth doesn't inure you against bereavement, ill health, hating your spouse or struggling with wayward kids after all.

But the specific stress that pp on here seem to be alluding to - where the stress is due to the long hours, high stakes job, mad commute - is indeed a choice.

You might be desperate to provide opportunities for your children and be willing to endure the stress.

You might have a focus on working hard and reaping the rewards when you retire to France at 55.

You might recognise that swapping your long commute for a lower paid job would just swap one stress for others.

I think people want to believe that wealthy people are suffering from all their money but actually, they've made their choice so it can't really be that bad or they'd make changes. Far more likely that if they gave it all up they'd just be sad about something else ime.

They couldn't get their head round how i could be happy with 'just' a free house (and a bit of cash). The cash i was advised to use to put in a new bathroom/kitchen etc and not 'just' enjoy living stress free.

Luckily I've got wealthy relatives and have seen the misery that can go on behind closed doors. So I've never chased the next thing, without being happy with what I've got.

I think this the exact point, being given a house is amazing but yet some people 1st thought is, how great that is to go bigger on another house ...,why why why.

I also know wealth on two scales,
wealth where you would think he was the gardener tending to the grounds, not the owner. He is happy definitely not content as always looking for ways to get his kicks and can not just be.

Wealth in that they have large properties , private schools, amazing holidays, cars etc etc and theses are constantly chasing the next "thing". One couple are to everyone, very wealthy and the happiest couple, behind closed doors, she is absolutely hanging on by thread to afford everything, while his company is failing, they believe they will loose their standing and friends if they reduce their lifestyle, so continue to live on the brink of their means never seeing eachother or the kids.

Obviously that is only one example and there are many who are happy but as a nation I think we need to realign what we class as successful. Successful should be living a good life, being happy, content and not working like a dog for someone else (or yourself) at your own expense.

The lifestyle is still a choice. You don't have to send your kids to private school. You don't have to have 2 cars. You don't have to eat out at expensive restaurants or have several holidays a year.

Of course it's a choice, but it's still a very easy trap to fall into.

More money = more choice, but more choice isn't always a good thing. If you've only got, say, 2k to spend on a car, then that's all you'll spend. If you can afford to spend 50k, you're not likely to only spend 5k. It's the same with food, meals out, days out, and holidays. If you have no budget for holidays, you're not going to go to Rhyl for a rainy weekend in October, are you?

Wealth doesn't inure you against bereavement, ill health..

These are part of life. Bereavement happens to us all. All of us get ill health at some point as do our partners and parents. Bereavement and ill health are as much part of anyone's life as eating and sleeping.

I've found this particularly common in men who are the sole or very much main earners in families with children. So many seem so very miserable.

We are encouraged to live “complicated and busy lives” just so that we can be sold products to help us “save time and hassle” lol

I’ve got a small house, an old perfectly fine car, I sew up the holes in my jumper and I couldn’t be happier because of my 1 DD and a lovely wife.

Btw depression isn’t always caused by circumstances, just FYI

There was an article i read recently interviewing middle aged men who caught the train into Waterloo on a daily basis.

Do you have a link to this please hero?

I think it is quite hard to escape wanting the 'next thing'. I live in a lovely 4 bed detached house. Not massive but in a great area, good schools. We wont need to move again. I keep thinking, well we probably wont move again, but what if we come into money or get big promotions we could get a much bigger house.

I hate that I think this way. Luckily DH is more grounded and is unlikely to sanction a move. I find life is quite exhausting when you are constantly chasing the next thing. I dont know what the solution is though, I feel part of the problem currently...

When it comes to a bigger house just tell yourself what a pain it would be to clean an extra bathroom/ decorate another bedroom / heat a bigger space.

Would you realistically use more rooms?

Re; moving to larger houses, DH and I ( and DD) moved into a large period detached house a few years ago. Not because it’s about feeling we need to impress/keep up with anyone, but we felt that money in property would always be a good investment verses sat in a bank. Like a lot of our peers, our pensions won’t be great, so we decided to try and move up the property market. With the plan to do a drastic downsize when the time is right and free up a lot of the capital held in the family house to live on. I know quite a few of our friends have done the same.

I can't really relate to the 50 year old Waterloo man sobbing on a Sunday night.
Money causes stress. When Dh and I overspend though. He would quit work tomorrow. I love my job, but then I've only ever worked part time since having kids.

I wonder what we could change, as the pp suggested most people could, quite easily?

@adaline sure it's an easy "trap" to fall into. There's also ways out of that trap. You just need to make the decision. It's not really a trap.

I've been very poor, very affluent and am now quite affluent. At quite affluent I am the most content that I have ever been. Very poor was really, really miserable. I would never go back to that (if I could help it, though who knows what life will deal to me). Dreading bills coming through the door, counting every single penny when food shopping, praying that the card wouldn't be declined when buying the food, etc.

Very affluent brought lots of great things and a life of luxury. But came with other downsides - eg. not seeing the kids as much as I would like, lots of stress at work that was hard to let go of even when not at work. So yeah, I could afford to outsource chores (gardener, nanny, etc) and have fabulous holidays but in the end it became too much juggling everything.

Both DH and I were in very high earning jobs.

Quite affluent is the right balance for my family. DH kept his high earning job and I took a step back. Both DH and I agreed it was the right thing for our family.

Interesting reading

OP, like you, I struggle with being surrounded by concrete, but can’t move because if my elderly mother. I do have diagnosed A&D but remain surprised how much the concrete makes me feel down.

However, affluenza is something I can’t find any sympathy for. Many of us have cried for hours on Sunday, or any day, because of going to work to pay necessary bills. I have been on the side of no money with anxiety and depression, and now on the side of having enough for treats. There is no contest, it’s much worse being ill and having no money. Or being well and having no money. I can’t find any sympathy for people who say “oh, if I work less I’ll have to do the garden because I can’t afford the gardener”.

@Oblomov19 obviously, I don't know you circumstances, but I do think most people could live a simple life on far less, for example:

How many holidays/short breaks have you been on in the last 5 years?
How many pairs of shoes do you own?
When's the last time you bought a coffee/magazine/chocolate bar?
What do you spend at Christmas and birthdays?
Do DC have birthday parities?
How often do you eat meat?
How often do you eat out?
How many cars do you run?
What do you spend on decorative objects/flowers/plants, inside and out?
How often do you and other family members drive when you could walk (especially if you had more time)?
How many items of clothing do you own?
Do you pay to have you car/windows cleaned?
Does your house have carpet/curtains/more furniture than is necessary for function's sake?
Do you heat every room in your house? To what temperature?
Wifi/telephones? TV/computers?

There are so many things that have become normal expectations, rather than luxuries that, if we were prepared to accept a simple life would be completely unnecessary. Even people who think they live on the basics, usually don't.

The commute into London in particular is soul destroying - crowded, people pushing and shoving. 2 times in 4 years someone had a heart attack on the way to work. The US has a similar commuter culture but by plane, people flying away every week mon-fri.

A long hours, high stress, highly paid job is better than a long hours, high stress, lowly paid job. Lots of people seem to be assuming a lower paying job = less stress, which frequently isn’t the case. It’s all well and good saying to go and get a different job, but low stress jobs that don’t pay peanuts aren’t exactly common place. You could just end up with a stressful job and then money worries on top of that. Also, the minimum wage jobs I’ve had have been just a stressful, or sometime even more stressful than the “professional” ones.

there is a v interesting book called Afluenza by Oliver James that looks at this issue. He went to different cultures to see who were most content and he found that the more materialistic the culture the higher the levels of depression and mental health issues . Very interesting read .

I've seen that statistic too yabbers but in terms of RL people I know, the English office workers tend to have longer days (or maybe just commutes) and then log in and do more work in the evening, I'm not sure I've ever seen an office working Italian friend/relative do that! (the hospitality workers do all do 6 day weeks though)

That Affluenza book gave me the rage.

I’m curious about the Minimalist documentary someone mentioned - does anyone know the name? I live in a small flat so constantly chucking things I’d rather keep but can’t.

Agree the London commute is soul destroying. I also think there’s a major overpopulation problem which makes things more depressing. It’ll be interesting for me to see if I feel better if I go and live in the Highlands or somewhere like that.

OP also mentioned lack of community. I found most of my local community via Twitter. It’s really helpful to me to have a sense of community.

Yes they are, I had a couple of jobs in Brighton and the clients were as miserable as fuck. I had to give those jobs up because I couldn't stand it. All of them million pound houses but seemed utterly miserable as well as dismissive and plain rude.

The commute into London in particular is soul destroying - crowded, people pushing and shoving.
I agree with this - I actually like my job but the commute is slowly killing me.

You aren't unhappy because you are on antidepressants or on antidepressants because you are unhappy.

You take antidepressants because you have a mental illness.

''I feel like living in the UK (and not in poverty, as that's a whole different story) is such a privilege. I wouldn't last a week living on a dollar a day without electricity or running water! So why are so many people miserable? ''

mmm many people in the western world have no idea of how tough others have it in 3rd world countries so we are sort of immune to feeling their suffering or having empathy. Infact it is pretty hard to have true empathy for people when we have not experienced their situation ourselves. As people it is not in our nature to be happy-research even shows things we associate with perfect happinness such as wealth and physical beauty more often than not are not the utopia people believe it to be. So generally the more we get the more we want, it's hard for many people to feel happy or content-we always want something else or life happens. Having millions in the bank or a Cindy Crawford face won't mean you aren't immune to life and all its problems.