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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would I be a bitch for not speaking to him when he comes round today?

88 replies

Alwaysatthegymyouare · 16/08/2019 10:57

Ex and I are currently separated, but we’re thinking about getting back together because we still really love each other. So this morning I asked him to call me when he wakes up because I wanted to speak to him about our relationship (haven’t seen him since Monday as he always claims to be so busy Hmm) he said he will call me after he’s finished at the gym, which will be sometime in the afternoon. Problem is, I’m 99.9% sure he’s not going to call me after gym, and will just expect us to talk when he comes round to pick the dcs up today.

Just like yesterday, when I asked him to bring dcs clothes so I could wash them, he said he would do it after gym. Never did. He’s the type of person that needs to be constant reminded to do things as he often ‘forgets’Hmm.

So if he doesn’t call me today after gym like he said, and comes round to pick the kids up today, AIBU to not speak to him about our relationship because he couldn’t call me after gym or would that make me a bitch?

OP posts:
TregunaMekoides · 16/08/2019 10:59

My honest opinion? If you want this to work you need to stop petty thinking like this and aim for a fresh start or its not going to work. YABU.

DodgyLooking · 16/08/2019 10:59

And youre thinking about getting back with him why?

Dmacka75 · 16/08/2019 11:00

I wouldnt speak to him about it if he doesn't ring after the gym either, if that makes me a bitch, so be it.
It sounds as though you're the only one putting an effort in to discuss anything

MyNewBearTotoro · 16/08/2019 11:00

If he’s causing you this much stress and letting you down whilst you’re separated why oh why are you thinking of getting back together? The separation should have been his wake up call and you’d expect that he’d be doing everything right now to show you how he’s changed and that he’s able to step up, but it sounds like instead he’s feeding you empty promises and letting you down.

I think all you need to say to him about the relationship when he comes round is ‘It’s over and it’s staging over.’

Scorpiovenus · 16/08/2019 11:01

There are issues already regarding this so why would you want to continue.

The love language is off. You don't communicate the same way

Bluntness100 · 16/08/2019 11:02

This is really petty, I can't see why you wouldn't arrange to talk to him when he comes round.

Honestly I'd not have the patience for that and drop kick you out.

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 16/08/2019 11:03

Yeah with an attitude like this, this relationship isn’t ever going to work!

Seriously just move on. The dc don’t need you two together in some petty relationship

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 16/08/2019 11:03

You say you "still really love each other" but surely if he was that keen to get back together he wouldn't always be "too busy" to talk about it? If he's unreliable, doesn't make time for you and doesn't do what he says he's going to do then it doesn't bode well.

messolini9 · 16/08/2019 11:04

Instead, why not stop playing mind games, have a long hard think about what you actually want, & then Use Your Words to discuss it with him?

Lifeisabeach09 · 16/08/2019 11:04

Talk to him but keep it about the kids.
You need to distance yourself from him so you can figure out if you want to stay with him. Love or not, you broke up for a reason.
And might I suggest he steps up and washes his own kids clothes (unless he has no washing machine, that is.)

summersherewishiwasnt · 16/08/2019 11:09

I personally think you should stop doing the dance and making self available. Don’t rush to be intimate with him. Just polite and civil for children’s arrangements. Nothing more. Early days should be where you and HIM make the most effort.

HundredMilesAnHour · 16/08/2019 11:15

As others have already said, it sounds really petty. Why are you pestering him to talk as as soon as he wakes up? What did you have to say that couldn't possibly wait until he came round to yours later to pick the kids up? Surely face-to-face would be better anyway. Good on him for not rising to your bait.

You say He’s the type of person that needs to be constant reminded to do things as he often ‘forgets’ but maybe he is just different to you and doesn't necessarily want to do things your way so he 'forgets'. Not great as he should actually tell you he disagrees but I imagine that turns into an argument so he does the avoidance thing instead. Saying you "constantly remind him" sounds like you're nagging all the time. Just like you've been nagging him to call you despite knowing you would see him face-to-face later in the day anyway.

You both sound incompatible. No way should you be considering getting back together when your behaviour towards him is so petty. That's just a recipe for disaster.

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 16/08/2019 11:15

I only made it as far as the first paragraph before I was wondering why you're getting back together. It all sounds like too much effort tbh. You can love him as the father of your children but not get back together.

Chitarra · 16/08/2019 11:18

He gives pathetic excuses, doesn't do what he's said he would do and forces you to nag him and look like the unreasonable one. So YANBU not to discuss getting back together (today or ever).

Yabbers · 16/08/2019 11:24

If you want this to work you need to stop petty thinking like this and aim for a fresh start or its not going to work.

Expecting someone to have enough respect for you to do what they say they will is petty?

Thehop · 16/08/2019 11:26

Don’t entertain getting back together, you’re annoyed bu him and he doesn’t think you’re important.

TregunaMekoides · 16/08/2019 11:27

Expecting someone to have enough respect for you to do what they say they will is petty?

Nope, but giving them the silent treatment is. Nothing will change without grown up communication. If OP gives that a try, at least she can say from her side she's done all she can.

HappyNOTdriving · 16/08/2019 11:29

Look even when he is supposed to be trying his absolute best so you think getting back together is a good idea he is acting like he can't be arsed or your wants/needs aren't important!

He is clearly showing you everything you need to know, it up to you to decide wether you are worth better than that or if this is good enough.

I can tell you it wouldn't be for me.

Summerunderway · 16/08/2019 11:31

You don't give reasons for the break up but if he isn't even committed enough for a chat is he worth having back?!!

AgentJohnson · 16/08/2019 11:31

Expecting someone to have enough respect for you to do what they say they will is petty?

In the context of reuniting with someone you are separated from, yes. The only thing the OP is getting from banging her head against this particular brick wall, is a headache.

Time to move on.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 16/08/2019 11:35

It sounds as though you're both playing games.

Why do you want to get back together? Hardly sounds like he's making an effort and that you just want to get back at him for his lack of effort.

Just call it quits. Life is too short for this crap.

MargoLovebutter · 16/08/2019 11:35

Are you sure he's behaving like someone who really still loves you?

lisbonholiday · 16/08/2019 11:36

I would never enter into a relationship with someone who equally as keen and excited and committed to it as I was. Making excuses about even having a conversation isn't a great sign. I wouldn't waste my time.

user1486131602 · 16/08/2019 11:38

There is a reason you’re separated.
Are you prepared to live your life chasing after this manchild?
Please reconsider

MonnieMoo · 16/08/2019 11:41

My OH needs reminding about all sorts of things, but putting effort into our relationship isn’t one of them. He calls when he says he will, and other times besides. What I mean to say is, I don’t think he’s as invested as you are in working out your problems. If you’re to talk to him today, that’s what I would say and see how he behaves from then on. If he doesn’t improve his efforts consistently then I’d cut my losses. Do you want to stay with someone who isn’t trying as hard as you?

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