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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would I be a bitch for not speaking to him when he comes round today?

88 replies

Alwaysatthegymyouare · 16/08/2019 10:57

Ex and I are currently separated, but we’re thinking about getting back together because we still really love each other. So this morning I asked him to call me when he wakes up because I wanted to speak to him about our relationship (haven’t seen him since Monday as he always claims to be so busy Hmm) he said he will call me after he’s finished at the gym, which will be sometime in the afternoon. Problem is, I’m 99.9% sure he’s not going to call me after gym, and will just expect us to talk when he comes round to pick the dcs up today.

Just like yesterday, when I asked him to bring dcs clothes so I could wash them, he said he would do it after gym. Never did. He’s the type of person that needs to be constant reminded to do things as he often ‘forgets’Hmm.

So if he doesn’t call me today after gym like he said, and comes round to pick the kids up today, AIBU to not speak to him about our relationship because he couldn’t call me after gym or would that make me a bitch?

OP posts:
verticality · 16/08/2019 11:50

Your answer isn't to sulk silently like a child. It's to confront this head on. This man has a pattern of behaviour that is neither considerate nor responsive. You'd be a fool to get back together with him until he has changed what annoyed you first time around.

SleepingStandingUp · 16/08/2019 11:54

So he can't do simple things you ask of him and then you sulk cos he doesn't.

Just don't get back together.

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/08/2019 11:57

Life long term in a couple requires a lot of compromise, ie giving the other as much of what they want / need as you can whilst still keeping your essence and individuality.

You’re either both 100% in or you aren’t. You’re both game playing now. If you “punish” him, he will continue further to behave like this as he’s in child mode. And you’re responding as a child. Reel it in otherwise it’s going to get very toxic fast.

Oliversmumsarmy · 16/08/2019 11:59

Surely you can't talk with DC around.

Agree with others that this isn't working and to move on.

But I think it is more because he can't be bothered as he has other priorities.

If he really wanted to get back together he would drop everything else.

I think talking whilst the kids are around is more to do with him not having to discuss any deeper issues and that if you decide that you don't like his answers then the DC can see it is mummy who is breaking up the family

Original poster
Alwaysatthegymyouare · 16/08/2019 12:01

I’ve thought about ending it for good many times, but I love him and I spent 10 years with this man so it’s hard to let go. I wanted to talk about our relationship today, because I always feel like I make more effort than he does, he always very affectionate when he comes round, tells me he loves/misses me, but for some reason he goes 5-6 days without seeing us even though he lives 10 mins from me. When I asked why he does this, he claims he’s so busy during the week, he can have his friends round for a drink after work though even though he’s self employed.

He can go 2-3 days without contact, and it makes me so frustrated. Sometimes I think, fuck it I’m done. So when I bring divorce up, he always goes on about how much he loves me, we end up sleeping together and it makes me feel guilty to continue with the divorce. It’s so hard to make a decision when he’s so sweet and affectionate when we’re together, but he’s awful when apart. I just think how can you claim to love me so much when you live 10 mins from me and you can go 5-6 days without seeing me, and 2-3 days without speaking to me? I feel like he’s full of words but he’s actions doesn’t match up to what he says.

I just want to be with someone that makes me a priority and does what he says he will .

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 16/08/2019 12:03

Cake. Eating it.

Move on.

Sorry.

swissmilk · 16/08/2019 12:04

He's got you on a piece of string.

Move on, start dating other people, continue with the divorce.

AnneKipanki · 16/08/2019 12:06

Just no.

Put yourself out of each other 's misery .

CalamityJune · 16/08/2019 12:06

It doesn't sound promising. Between his friends, the gym and his work he seems pretty settled in himself.

I think you'd be better building up your own life and interests and learn to co-parent effectively with him.

Honeyroar · 16/08/2019 12:06

To be honest, if I woke up to a "call me to discuss our relationship when you wake up" I'd roll my eyes!

It sounds very hard work. He isn't putting enough effort in (just enough that he gets a shag now and again!), you're feeling insecure and consequently getting a bit over needy. A good relationship isn't this difficult. You've tried before, it didn't work. This reunion doesn't sound like it's going to work either. Put your effort into distancing yourself and separating your lives. Don't let your nostalgia pull you backwards. This is not real love.

Lowlandlucky · 16/08/2019 12:07

Does he have someone else ?

adaline · 16/08/2019 12:09

Honestly, what's the point?

Willow2017 · 16/08/2019 12:09

He can't make time to discuss your relationship. He prioritised other things before you.
He wants to talk with kids there because it means you can't talk properly about the issues you have and if you try to talk about anything he is doing to wreck the relationship he can play the 'poor me mummy is bad to me' card.
Why on earth do you want him back?
He just wants to carry on doing his own thing while you would be the one doing things he can't be arsed to do nothing will.change until he wants to change it.

There is no relationship he doesn't care enough to work at it. Cut your losses and let him get on with being the kids dad nothing else.

gamerchick · 16/08/2019 12:12

OP he likes things exactly the way they are. He's got the single dude thing going on during the week and the family thing at the weekend with sex on tap.

File for divorce, he will never give you the feelings you need and stop sleeping with him.

SpoooyGhost · 16/08/2019 12:13

Stop shagging him. Sorry to be so crude, but you're only getting his attention when he wants a shag.

messolini9 · 16/08/2019 12:15

I feel like he’s full of words but he’s actions doesn’t match up to what he says.

And you are spot on.

He says all the nice things to keep you compliant.
But he can't be bothered to match his words with actions.
You say you still love him, but he's not very lovable, is he?
Sorry ... he is stringing you along, using you for sex on his own terms.
You're more invested in the relationship - whatever it is at the moment - than he is.
No amount of cajoling, no-speaking, effort or reminders have changed his behaviours to date. He still lets you down, he still doesn't prioritise you, & he still thinks he can just use you as a laundry service & convenient shag.

What makes you feel that a "discussion" is going to change his behaviour? A discussion that he is clearly avoiding. The only person who can change his behaviour is him.

You'd be better off spending time with yourself, assessing what you really want out of life.
He's calling all the shots at the moment, & I hope you will see that this is unacceptable. There are plenty of decent men out there who know what they want & are not afraid to act on it. Your ex doesn't want you back on your terms, but is also refusing to let you go. Turn the tables: take charge, let him go, & learn from the experience - only allow men whose actions are as good as their words into your future life.

Summerunderway · 16/08/2019 12:15

He is a head fuck op. Take control and stop seeing him.

whattodowith · 16/08/2019 12:15

He doesn’t treat you as a priority hence always conveniently ‘forgetting’ important things. He’s not even attempting to rectify your problems now you have separated.

Doesn’t bode well, I’d move on personally.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 16/08/2019 12:15

Oh Good God.

No wonder he doesn't want things to change. You've giving it to him on a plate.

You deal with the kids and everyday hassles and he gets to live a single life, and waft back in as and when he wants a shag.

AND YOU LET HIM.

Have some self respect and get some counselling to help you move on. Your kids must be massively confused too.

Willow2017 · 16/08/2019 12:17

Page just refreshed and saw your update op.

Yep cake and eating it. He has a life with no responsibilities except seeing his kids now and again. You have it all to do yourself and are doing all the running. To him You are just a fuck budy glad of his attention when it suits him.
Sorry but he isn't interested in getting back together just keeping you on a string. Divorce would force him to let people know he wasn't trying as hard as he probably makes out.

Step back. Nothing is worth losing your self esteem over. He will use you till he finds someone else willing to put up with the occasional shag and no commitment.

Freddiefox · 16/08/2019 12:18

just think how can you claim to love me so much when you live 10 mins from me and you can go 5-6 days

I think you need to think about whether he does love you, it could be that neither of you are able to move on but really need to. He’s treats you badly, that isn’t going to get better.
Think about whether you really love HIM or if it’s the family unit you love.

sheshootssheimplores · 16/08/2019 12:19

Bloody hell OP, he’s taking you for a ride. Let him go.

letsdolunch321 · 16/08/2019 12:20

Too much drama..... Move on

MrsSiriusBlack1 · 16/08/2019 12:21

Life is too short, find someone else or enjoy being single. Sounds like hard work and stress for not much in return

MyNewBearTotoro · 16/08/2019 12:23

It sounds like he’s using you as a fuck buddy. He’s happy to spend all week without seeing you or even being in contact whilst he hangs out with his mates and lives a bachelor life free of responsibility, but then knows at the weekend he can play at happy families with you and manipulate you into sleeping with him.

He doesn’t care about you, he cares about the sex and the opportunity to pretend to be a good Dad whilst ignoring the kids and his responsibilities towards his family all week.

Get rid.

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