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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not lend a friend money when I can afford it?

94 replies

FiveFarthings · 15/08/2019 23:24

I have a friend who, in the last couple of months, has asked me to lend her £50 a day or two before payday as she’s struggling with bills. She always pays it straight back on payday so no issue there.

I can afford to lend her the money if she needs it but the fact that she keeps asking is starting to annoy me.

I never minded the first one or two occasions but now it appears to be a habit. We work together in a professional role and earn a decent wage so we aren’t on minimum wage or anything like that.

She recently got divorced and I know that she inherited some of her former husband’s debts (she agreed to loans for him but he’s now fecked off somewhere in Europe so she’s been left to pick up the debt).

I have been happy to help out but it annoys me because she gets her nails done once a month, goes out for meals/drinks on a fairly regular basis, recently adopted a second dog (when I know that her previous boyfriend used to pay for all dog food for her first dog as she couldn’t afford to feed it), gets blow drys for nights out, has just booked a holiday to Edinburgh this winter and a trip to New York in the New Year.

I feel like she should be managing her money better and cutting back on luxuries but she’s a grown woman so it’s not really for me to say. I’ve asked her before if she’s okay for money and if she needs to speak to anyone about debt etc, she just says that she sometimes helps out family and they don’t pay her back so it leaves her short (don’t know how true that is).

AIBU to say no to lending her more money even though I can afford it and she always pays it back, just because it annoys me?

Also if I’m justified in saying no, how do I say no to her, when she knows that I do have the money to lend her? (For clarity we recently became mortgage free so she knows we have more disposable income)

OP posts:
RedHatsDoNotSuitMe · 15/08/2019 23:39

Your money, your choice.

Tell her you're saving for Christmas or for a fabulous holiday next year if you feel you have to come up with a reason.

DragonglassHeart · 15/08/2019 23:42

As above. It's say you're saving for the trip of a lifetime. Maybe Maui? I hear it's nice there Grin

user1474894224 · 15/08/2019 23:44

YANBU. Just say - sorry I can't this week. Don't give a reason. None of her business.

KellyHall · 15/08/2019 23:45

You are not being unreasonable.

Owing anything to each other changes the dynamic of any relationship.

If it really bothers you, just say your money is needed by your family. And if she pushes it, tell her you don't feel comfortable doing it. I have friends who are considerably more wealthy than I am and although I'll happily and gratefully accept the odd drink on them, I wouldn't dream of asking them for money even if for a short time.

If she's always able to pay it back easily, couldn't she just budget better in the first place?

gamerchick · 15/08/2019 23:45

Get in there first. 2 days before the 2 days she asks usually, ask her for a loan of 200 quid please. If she lends it then fab, pay her back on payday. Do it again next month.

She won't though, shell line up her next personal cash machine.

If you carry on doing it I can guarantee there will come a time when she won't pay you back, as you have more disposable money than her in her head.

Cherrysoup · 15/08/2019 23:47

Up to you. I'd be reluctant too, given how she appears to be chucking it on nails and going out.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 15/08/2019 23:48

I would say no I am really sorry but I have some big bills coming in and I need to madly save.Be as non specific as you can but if you do decide to be direct I would say no i am sorry.It makes me really uncomfortable bringing money into our friendship please dont ask me again as I dont like the pressure it puts on me.Firm,direct pleasant.If she persists in asking you need to withdraw from her and distance yourself.She is embarrassing you and herself and I hate things like this,Her problem is hers alone and not yours don;t let her make you a party to her problems.

SarfE4sticated · 15/08/2019 23:48

I think you should say no too. Your reasons seem sound, and I agree with you, it sounds like she is just using you like a cashpoint.

BMW6 · 15/08/2019 23:48

Yes, ask her for a loan to cover an unexpected bill........

"Neither a borrower nor a lender be"

Cryalot2 · 15/08/2019 23:55

Your money and your choice.
I would say no, or ask her for a loan .

Yika · 16/08/2019 00:00

Definitely don't lend her any more money. Lending is a poisonous business. It brings anxiety, guilt and resentment into relationships. Better to give money outright if there is a real need (which there clearly isn't here).

Beautiful3 · 16/08/2019 00:01

Agree with the others, say sorry I can't as I'm saving up for a big holiday.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 16/08/2019 00:03

It sounds as if she hasn't adapted to her new financial situation yet (servicing her ex's debts, etc.). It's shitty, but she needs to face up to them and start budgeting accordingly.

I agree with a PP; next time she asks, say you've got some big bills to budget for and can't lend anything for the foreseeable.

I feel bad for her, as I'm sure you do, but nails and blow drys aren't essentials. Also adopting a second dog is mad when you're short of funds. Hmm

Bravelurker · 16/08/2019 00:05

My DMs friend borrows money off us both every single payday without fail and like you op, it winds us up. The poor woman has a huge family she could turn to, only she owes them all thousands and she will never be in any position to them back. She also lives on her daughters couch since her she was eviction a couple of years ago. The daughter is a single parent, works very hard, studies to improve her future and keeps a beautiful home and she is stuck with her mother permanently because she is so useless with money and doesn't work.
I have never felt so sorry for anyone as feel sorry for the daughter.
Still, I will never add to her miserable existence but not lending her a lousy £50.

Bravelurker · 16/08/2019 00:07

A few typos in there, sorry.

Golightly133 · 16/08/2019 00:08

My father in law had this years ago, he had a friend who expected a loan every other week and he was proper fed up.
So he leant him the £20 (way back when £20 was a lot) and said keep it but don’t ask again. Confused

cauliflowersqueeze · 16/08/2019 00:09

I would lend one last time but say that it will be the last time. Otherwise she will wonder after the imaginary holiday if you are now solvent again. And if you ask her to lend to you then she will think it’s an open flow of money going both ways.

You know she will pay you back so the last £50 is no risk, but it clarifies that it’s the last time and then if she was to ask after that you can then say “oh sorry, no” with no worries.

Happysummer2020 · 16/08/2019 00:14

No. Do not lend money to a friend! It always ends badly and changes the dynamic.

Please refuse going forwards.

CalmdownJanet · 16/08/2019 00:25

How about:

No can do, I realised it's only 19 weeks to Christmas so I set up a Christmas club, anything extra is going in there until then I'm afraid (buys you till the new year)

No sorry, I loaned a friend money that was supposed to be paid back four months ago, I'm not getting it back anytime soon and actually it's made me realise that loaning money to friends is a bad idea, it just gets awkward

Uh car insurance month sorry no can do

Not at the moment sorry something has come up and it's taken anything extra I have

No sorry, I was going to ask you actually, there was suspicious transactions on my account so it's with the bank fraud team

Ya sure I can give it to you this week but after that please don't ask, to honest it's getting too regular a thing for me

Greeborising · 16/08/2019 00:27

Obviously it’s entirely your choice.
Personally, if a close friend needed a loan, I could afford it and I knew she’d pay me back then yes I would

TheInebriati · 16/08/2019 00:30

I think when you say 'no' you are going to find out if she is a real friend or not.

wibbletooth · 16/08/2019 01:05

Next time she mentions anything non-essential that she’s paid for, small like hair or nails or big like a holiday, make a point of saying how fabulous that you’ve got yourself back on your feet and don’t have any debts to pay off, so you have money to treat yourself with and won’t need a loan this month. I must say, I am glad that you have managed to do that, it was beginning to get a bit awkward as it felt like you were relying on me at the end of the month to get you through and I really hate being put in the position of having to lend money - you know what they say, neither a borrower or a lender be - well it’s definitely true. But flinch again, great to see that you’ve managed to sort your budget out so far in advance that you know you have spare money to spend, well done you’.

Really big up how well she has done to have spare money to spend so she’s not going to need a loan and hopefully she’ll be too embarrassed to ask again, especially if she tells you about several unnecessary purchases and you say the same thing each time!

HouseworkAvoider10 · 16/08/2019 01:13

Fuck no.
No more.
I agree with above, get in there first and ask her for 100.

EdtheBear · 16/08/2019 01:30

I like Wibbletooths suggest big up how good she is managing.

An other option is to say you've juggled your accounts and opened a 90 day savings account / isa / topped up pension but put tied up too much money and left yourself short until pay day!

Jamieson90 · 16/08/2019 04:48

I don't mind lending very trusted friends some money as a one off, but I would never make it a habit. Once you do that you never actually see the money as they always owe you something.

YANBU