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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not lend a friend money when I can afford it?

94 replies

FiveFarthings · 15/08/2019 23:24

I have a friend who, in the last couple of months, has asked me to lend her £50 a day or two before payday as she’s struggling with bills. She always pays it straight back on payday so no issue there.

I can afford to lend her the money if she needs it but the fact that she keeps asking is starting to annoy me.

I never minded the first one or two occasions but now it appears to be a habit. We work together in a professional role and earn a decent wage so we aren’t on minimum wage or anything like that.

She recently got divorced and I know that she inherited some of her former husband’s debts (she agreed to loans for him but he’s now fecked off somewhere in Europe so she’s been left to pick up the debt).

I have been happy to help out but it annoys me because she gets her nails done once a month, goes out for meals/drinks on a fairly regular basis, recently adopted a second dog (when I know that her previous boyfriend used to pay for all dog food for her first dog as she couldn’t afford to feed it), gets blow drys for nights out, has just booked a holiday to Edinburgh this winter and a trip to New York in the New Year.

I feel like she should be managing her money better and cutting back on luxuries but she’s a grown woman so it’s not really for me to say. I’ve asked her before if she’s okay for money and if she needs to speak to anyone about debt etc, she just says that she sometimes helps out family and they don’t pay her back so it leaves her short (don’t know how true that is).

AIBU to say no to lending her more money even though I can afford it and she always pays it back, just because it annoys me?

Also if I’m justified in saying no, how do I say no to her, when she knows that I do have the money to lend her? (For clarity we recently became mortgage free so she knows we have more disposable income)

OP posts:
Medievalist · 16/08/2019 08:50

ust tell her you cant help this month as you are thinking of replacing your car/Boiler /

No don't give an excuse! Just say pleasantly that you can't. You don't have to make something up which may catch you out later!!!

Henlie · 16/08/2019 08:55

Say no. Use the excuse that you have a big bill coming up on your car... and or are looking to replace said car.....very plausible(!)

HollyGoLoudly1 · 16/08/2019 08:56

Friends and money don't mix. I would make polite excuses when she asks until she stops asking. It will only escalate.

Purpletigers · 16/08/2019 10:24

Don’t lend her any more money . Offer to help her with her budget if she’s struggling to make her money last . Sounds like she’s got her priorities mixed up . Borrowing money off a friend while getting her nails done and booking trips to New York? She has no shame !

Purpletigers · 16/08/2019 10:25

Send her a link to “ You need a budget “
App

Purpletigers · 16/08/2019 10:26

And don’t make any excuses . You shouldn’t have to lie to save her embarrassment.

Areyoufree · 16/08/2019 10:29

I'm guessing she's not a close friend, then? You basically accused her of lying in your OP. I don't understand why you wouldn't just tell her that it's annoying you.

TregunaMekoides · 16/08/2019 10:31

Just be honest and say "I'm sorry I can't. I'm always happy to help as a one off but this is becoming too regular."
She's obviously spending what she wants safe in the knowledge you will bail her out. It's not helping anyone.

Medievalist · 16/08/2019 10:34

"I'm sorry I can't. I'm always happy to help as a one off but this is becoming too regular."

That suggests she will help again in the future 'as a one off'!!!!

DisappearingGirl · 16/08/2019 10:36

I would have the conversation before it gets to payday, and say sorry but I'm not willing to lend money anymore, just telling you now so it's not a surprise at payday.

TregunaMekoides · 16/08/2019 10:40

*"I'm sorry I can't. I'm always happy to help as a one off but this is becoming too regular."

That suggests she will help again in the future 'as a one off'!!!!*

I suppose. But by the time enough time has passed to make it a one off, maybe the OP will feel able to refuse. Or, more likely "friend" will have found someone else to bank roll her

BrightYellowDaffodil · 16/08/2019 10:42

I’d absolutely say no! She’s using you as a free payday lender and, as you say, she should be managing her money better. If she’s always £50 short at the end of the month (is she really short or just doesn’t fancy having to rein in her spending when there’s too much month left at the end of her money?) then she should save a bit more during the month.

I’d just say “No, sorry.” If she questions it, I’d say that it’s not suitable for me to be lending money all the time and perhaps it would be an idea to budget more during the month. She probably won’t like the inference that she should spend less/take more responsibility but tough. She’s being a CF.

Drum2018 · 16/08/2019 10:42

Just say no. Don't say 'sorry, no'. You don't have to apologise for her putting you in an uncomfortable situation. Next time she asks say 'no'. It might cause a moment of sheer disbelief for her and she may look and wait for an explanation. In that case you just change the subject and talk about something you are doing at work, a tv programme you saw... Hopefully your blunt and firm no will be enough for her to realise she's pushed it too far and she won't ask again. But if she's brazen and does ask again, or asks for an explanation, just say it's not possible and again, change the subject.

And don't discuss money with people again. There is no reason that she should even know that your mortgage is paid off.

Bluntness100 · 16/08/2019 10:52

As she's your friend, don't take the overly rude blunt approach of just no. Be kind, simply say I can't, we have had some additional expenses. And leave it there.

ChrisPrattsFace · 16/08/2019 10:57

Just tell the truth?
‘No sorry, I’ve done it a lot for you recently but you need to look at your spending and budget’
If it was me I would also call out the nails/hair/dinners etc. Everyone deserves some luxury but not at the expense of someone else every month - paid back or not.

messolini9 · 16/08/2019 11:14

Get in there first. 2 days before the 2 days she asks usually, ask her for a loan of 200 quid please. If she lends it then fab, pay her back on payday. Do it again next month.

@gamerchick, that is brilliant.

OP - it seems to boil down - in your friend's words - to her subsidising her family, who fail to repay her, so friend turns to you.
Firstly, its gone on too long & you have every right to feel uncomfortable with the dynamic.
Secondly, it's not your responsibility to subsidse her family.

You've done well to hold your thoughts about her budgeting skills to yourself, but I can understand how galling it is. However - just as you have held your tongue, so should she when she nexts asks & you want to say "no."

You do not need to explain, justify, or invent reasons.
"Sorry, that doesn't work for me this week."
Every week, until she stops asking.

If she needs £50 so badly, she can cut back on the blow drys.
You are not doing her any favours allowing this unofficial banking service to continue. It's creating an imbalance between you, & needs to stop.

TheRealMummyPig · 16/08/2019 11:15

If she asked as a once off then that's one thing but making it a permanent arrangement is very cheeky, particularly when she's clearly splashing cash on plenty of non essentials.
I'm surprised she's got the nerve to keep asking you.
Next time she asks I'd suggest that she asks her bank for a £50 overdraft facility. If her bank won't approve her for such a thing then there's no reason you should provide her an informal overdraft!

Scorpiovenus · 16/08/2019 11:19

Nah send her a payday loan link

Let someone else take the risk

PooWillyBumBum · 16/08/2019 11:22

Don’t give a reason. Her finances are not your business.

“Sorry, I can’t. Do you want a cup of coffee? I’m going to the machine”

And I’d be wary of telling people you’re mortgage free. We are not planning on telling anyone when we get there!

messolini9 · 16/08/2019 11:22

As it's a colleague I would mention it to HR. They will take a dim view of an employee asking another employee for money every month.

Gordon Bennett, would you? That's insane!
Would you really go running to HR over something that will be a complete non-issue to them professionally, making yourself look like a berk in the process?
& you'd do this to a friend?
& you be happy to advertise the fact to HR that you are incapable of managing your own issues & relationships?

RosaWaiting · 16/08/2019 11:27

Don't give a reason

I had a friend do this to me. It originally started because she was long term sick and I really didn't mind helping. Then it became for really strange reasons - she was living in an illegal sublet, for example, when she was perfectly able to get a proper rental, and she'd "suddenly" be asked for bills. One month I told her she simply had to budget properly. Next month she asked again and I said "I can't, I haven't got money to lend".

if she'd have asked why, I'd probably just lie and say unexpected bills, but she didn't ask and she did sort herself out after that.

BarbaraofSeville · 16/08/2019 11:27

Actually, if it was my organisation and borrowing colleague was senior to lending colleague, it's specifically not allowed as it's seen as using their senior position to potentially bully or take advantage of a junior colleague.

Or the employer could be interested in this if the OPs colleague is making her feel uncomfortable or obliged to lend the money and then she is unpleasant or the working relationship is affected if the OP refuses to lend the money.

verticality · 16/08/2019 11:29

If she always pays it back in a couple of days, where's the harm? I would maybe ask her if she's OK, though.

whattodowith · 16/08/2019 12:08

YANBU. You are a friend, not a payday loan company.

Justkeeprollingalong · 16/08/2019 22:16

Don't lie or make excuses just say no, sorry but I can't.