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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not lend a friend money when I can afford it?

94 replies

FiveFarthings · 15/08/2019 23:24

I have a friend who, in the last couple of months, has asked me to lend her £50 a day or two before payday as she’s struggling with bills. She always pays it straight back on payday so no issue there.

I can afford to lend her the money if she needs it but the fact that she keeps asking is starting to annoy me.

I never minded the first one or two occasions but now it appears to be a habit. We work together in a professional role and earn a decent wage so we aren’t on minimum wage or anything like that.

She recently got divorced and I know that she inherited some of her former husband’s debts (she agreed to loans for him but he’s now fecked off somewhere in Europe so she’s been left to pick up the debt).

I have been happy to help out but it annoys me because she gets her nails done once a month, goes out for meals/drinks on a fairly regular basis, recently adopted a second dog (when I know that her previous boyfriend used to pay for all dog food for her first dog as she couldn’t afford to feed it), gets blow drys for nights out, has just booked a holiday to Edinburgh this winter and a trip to New York in the New Year.

I feel like she should be managing her money better and cutting back on luxuries but she’s a grown woman so it’s not really for me to say. I’ve asked her before if she’s okay for money and if she needs to speak to anyone about debt etc, she just says that she sometimes helps out family and they don’t pay her back so it leaves her short (don’t know how true that is).

AIBU to say no to lending her more money even though I can afford it and she always pays it back, just because it annoys me?

Also if I’m justified in saying no, how do I say no to her, when she knows that I do have the money to lend her? (For clarity we recently became mortgage free so she knows we have more disposable income)

OP posts:
LazyDaisey · 16/08/2019 04:58

You don’t need excuses. Just say, look I didn’t mind lending you money once or twice as an emergency, but you’re making this into a regular thing which is not ok. You’re also yourself wide open to judgement when you regularly run out of money to pay bills but then tell me about the holidays you booked and the nights out you’ve had.

RushianDisney · 16/08/2019 05:01

I would tell her that you don't want money to affect your friendship. DP got a large inheritance and suddenly all his friends were asking him for loans, all the money is gone a few years down the line, and none of his friends have made attempts to pay back the thousands they owe him. All whilst they are still going on holidays abroad, meals out constantly, one even bought a house while still owing us a lot of money. Friendship and money should not mix imo

Cannotresist · 16/08/2019 05:07

It’s an issue that will fester. There is no point saying your saving as she pays you back so logically it would still be money which could be saved a few days later.

You need to decide how important the friendship is as unless she realises she is unreasonable sadly the friendship is probably on last legs anyway.

  1. If you continue to lend you will start to resent her
2 If you cut her off she will probably turn it on you in her mind as she will be feeling entitled as your better off than her and she will mentalist your refusal irrationally as you being selfish.

Your best to do 2 and nip things in the bud (unless she sees she is being unreasonable which is unlikely or she would be managing better rather than expecting you to enable her) and move on quickly

BarbaraofSeville · 16/08/2019 05:11

Tell her to arrange an overdraft facility if she's literally short of £50 for a few days before payday, that's what they're for.

Or point her towards the budgeting advice on moneysavingexpert. If she's been left with debts she needs to make sure she's getting somewhere with paying them off as quickly and cheaply as possible so she can find out about interest free balance transfers etc.

Then she needs to review her spending and separate out money for essentials and all these luxuries she's having. Unless she's getting further into debt, she's far from skint and if she says she can't afford food, travel or the gas bill it's because she's spent the money on holidays and beauty treatments not that she's actually short of money.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 16/08/2019 05:34

YANBU, sounds like she needs to budget better & your money is yours to decide what you do with.

I'm a softie tho, if it was a friendship i wanted to preserve, I'd maybe wean her off gently to be kind, it might take her time to adjust her finances if she's been relying on it a bit. Eg next time she asks say you've tied money up in a closed savings account or something, can spare £25 this month but dont aspect to have any free next month. Then perhaps tell her you've found great budgeting advice online & nudge her towards money saving expert :)

Sparklybanana · 16/08/2019 06:03

Why is everyone suggesting you lie? Why don’t you lend/give her the last amount and say it’s become a regular thing and perhaps she needs to get in touch with one of the numerous organisations out there that deal with money management. Tell her it must be tough having to readjust but you’re worried that she’s going to get into real money troubles unless she’s realistic and tries to fix it nowvrather than later. If she’s a true friend then she needs proper support, not lies. I wouldn’t ‘cut her off’ the next time though as she might be depending on it if she’s not expecting you to say no.

Herocomplex · 16/08/2019 06:03

Telling white lies doesn’t help, she’ll just watch your spending the way you watch hers.

I agree with the pp who says just give her the £50 next time she asks, and say you don’t want to lend her anymore, as you feel it’s causing an issue. I also agree with the pp who said your relationship will change, but I think she’ll resent you whatever you do.

HarryElephante · 16/08/2019 06:22

I hate the principle that if you lend someone money, you then dictate how they spend it. It's the whole right wing argument against benefits, or people's justification in not giving money to those begging on the street.

Lend her the money gracefully, or not at all.

People have such fucked attitudes towards money. In many ways.

bevelino · 16/08/2019 06:46

I don’t understand why people are suggesting you lie, just say no.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 16/08/2019 06:51

People are suggesting she tells a white lie as it’s less brutal and will save the friendship. My hard to understand!

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 16/08/2019 06:51

...not..

BarbaraofSeville · 16/08/2019 06:53

I agree Harry, people should be able to have all the luxuries they like, at someone else's expense.

It's completely unreasonable to expect people to make responsible adult choices and they should be endlessly bailed out, without question.

OneRingToRuleThemAll · 16/08/2019 06:53

As it's a colleague I would mention it to HR. They will take a dim view of an employee asking another employee for money every month.

SarfE4sticated · 16/08/2019 06:56

If you do want to let her down gently, you could again lend her £50 and say that it's the last time, that way she'll know what to expect. You could suggest that she changes the date of some of her standing orders, or as others have said recommend an overdraft, or offer to help her budget?

It is horrible being in debt, so I think being as constructive and nice as possible lets her keep some dignity. in what must be a bad time for her. (I wonder how much debt her boyfriend left her).

HotChocolateLover · 16/08/2019 07:21

Yeah, I like the idea of bigging up how well she’s doing 😂 But remember, it’s your money and you have every right to say no. Why are you paying for her blow dries and manicures? Surely they’re treats you should be having yourself.

YouJustDoYou · 16/08/2019 07:27

Ok, my friend was doing exactly the same. I was in the same position as you - could afford it, but then she'd post about "treating themselves" to Chinese, her dh's new leather jacket, having cake and tea at the cafe, etc. I didn't mind helping out in an emergency, but their money management was just awful and they were relying on me to send them money before payday to pay for fuel/bills/their kid's private school fees which they couldn't afford that month, etc.
In the end, after she asked me yet again for £70, I said "I'm so sorry, but I can't - I'm concerned that you're relying too much on someone else to pay your bills, and i can't keep doing it". They've survived perfectly fine, and I now no longer get a whatsapp starting with "You, I'm so sorry to have to ask, but can I borrow...".

HarryElephante · 16/08/2019 07:42

I agree Harry, people should be able to have all the luxuries they like, at someone else's expense

Clearly not what I said, but there we are.

helpmeiamatoad · 16/08/2019 07:45

Personally I wouldn’t lend that amount of money unless I truly believed they wouldn’t be able to eat that week without it

Jeezoh · 16/08/2019 07:50

I’d gently tell her that you were happy to help out in an emergency as she’s a good friend but it’s becoming a regular thing which you’re not comfortable with. I had to say similar to a friend before and she took it well, I did add that I’d been caught out previously by friends not paying money back and while you know she’s always paid back, you still like to keep friendships and finances seperate on the whole.

Aria2015 · 16/08/2019 07:52

Tough one. I see why it's frustrating but to play devils advocate, when I'm down about something I spend money. I know I shouldn't but in the moment it temporarily makes me feel better. If she's going through a lot then she could be going out and doing her nails to try and cheer herself up. Also it can be hard adjusting to a change in circumstances and adjusting your lifestyle. Rather than taking her by surprise and saying no next time, maybe lend her the money but warn her you won't be able to help her next month and you have extra expenses coming your way that you'll need it for. Give her a chance to try and manage her money better and so make her aware that it's not a given that you’ll help her out each time. Tough one because it is annoying but then of she's having a tough time and you can help and she pays you straight back then helping someone is always nice.

rookiemere · 16/08/2019 07:53

Gosh all these convoluted excuses for not giving her your money that people are thinking of. Just say no, and if pushed say that finances are tight. If she sees you buying clothes or going out - well so what, the excuse has always worked for her.

DisgruntledGuineaPig · 16/08/2019 07:56

You dont need a fake holiday. Just "sorry, its going to have to be a no this month."

Embracelife · 16/08/2019 08:02

"No sorry
Have you tried asking your bank for an overdraft? Seeing as you have a regular salary it wont be an issue"

Medievalist · 16/08/2019 08:07

You dont need a fake holiday. Just "sorry, its going to have to be a no this month."

Exactly! You don't have to give an excuse. Just keep saying no nicely but firmly,

Friend - can I borrow £50?
You - sorry, not this month (smile/shrug)
Friend - oh - is it a problem?
You - I just can't I'm afraid
Friend - it's not normally a problem ...
You - sorry (smile/shrug)
Friend - but you've paid off your mortgage and normally have spare cash
You - I know.

You then change the subject

There is nothing she can ask you which you can't respond to along the lines of 'sorry, I just can't '. You don't owe her an explanation and any white lies may come back to bite you.

dottiedodah · 16/08/2019 08:36

The trouble with "lending" money is that it becomes a habit which is hard to break!.I cant see why £50 would be of much help to her TBH ,but she is treating you like a free buffer type overdraft!.Just tell her you cant help this month as you are thinking of replacing your car/Boiler /whatever.Hopefully she will get the message !