Do I book this operation or is it a vanity based disgraceful waste of money?

[MostTacticalNameChange]

For background: I'm a single parent. XH is very supportive with money and flexible custody. I work full time in a secure (as possible) civil service job. I have about £850pcm to spend after rent (a secure HA contract), after school club and bills (not including car/food which comes to around £300 depending on the month).

I have always yo-yoed with my weight (between 10 and 19 stone)and I had a huge baby and un-elastic skin. I have a huge 'apron' of loose skin. It flaps and is obvious under clothes. I hate it and I think about it all the time. This is not just a tiny pouch: I can literally lift and bunch it to the side and see how I could look.

I had a free consultation and was quoted £10k for removal with lipo and 3 years aftercare (I know you can do it cheaper abroad but no).

I have excellent credit and a regular income so can borrow. Some offers I've looked at are £4k at 0% for 30 months, £10k for 4 years at £250pcm, £10k over 12 months 0%.

Basically I mean I can affordably loan this money over a short ish term and it would improve my physical ability and confidence 100 fold.

However, I could die or be disfigured with this surgery ruining my son's life. Or, more likely I'll just be funneling all my spare money for the next few years into a "vanity project" when I should be spending it on my son: holidays, significant presents, school funds etc.

AIBU to get the surgery?

I wouldn’t risk a general anaesthetic for a non essential procedure. I know it’s only a small risk but it’s not one I’d be prepared to take.

I don't know the rights and wrongs of the surgery, but I just wanted to say that having a child doesn't mean that you have to funnel all your income into meeting their needs. You continue to be a person yourself, with needs that deserve consideration.

You wouldn't be doing your child any favours if you allowed them to grow up with the idea that their very existence trumps any concern you have for yourself.

Mothers really do exist in their own right, rather than only in relation to their children, despite what society tries to tell us.

No, but you have a responsibility to that child, Alpha, and to indeed put them first in many ways, they're not children forever .

I had to have my gallbladder taken out with a big incision and then the wound got infected. My bladder also decided it didn't want to work anymore about a week after the op. I was in and out of the hospital and I was otherwise healthy at the time of the op. My recovery was weeks and weeks and you really need to consider your financial well being and that of your child if you're considering a procedure like this for cosmetic reasons.

Is there no other way to reduce the skin, even if it takes time? Lasers, massage, corsets or whatever. You look really good and it doesn’t look that bad.
I think it would help to do something but the scar is pretty vicious and obviously it has its risks.
I have had elective surgery and so have two of my friends, Two of us were delighted initially but over time ( a few years) the results have been mitigated. Bodies change and that affects surgeries.
The other went quite wrong.
I wouldn’t worry too much about the morals of it. You could have a car accident on the way to the hairdressers. Life is all about risk.

Wow @Bloomburger that looks great. Thank you for sharing. Do you have a 'before' you could pm? I think I might need to lose some more fat first.

I honestly wouldn't care about a scar. I'm scarred from other surgeries anyway.

I see everyone's point of view and thank you all. I haven't made a decision but I definitely need to do something. I am unhappy and uncomfortable.

@Bloomburger

Would you mind if I asked if you have a before photo, and who your surgeon was? Looks like a fantastic result, you must be delighted!

Like you OP, I have an apron after weight loss. I run, hike, box, do weights - I'm less than 9 stone but I've never been happy or confident purely because of my saggy tummy. It is noticable.

So I completely understand. I've spent 6 years trying to live with it, and I can't. It bothers me multiple times a day.

Sorry if I've missed this, but when you say significant risks do you mean in severity of impact if they occurred or likelihood of actually occurring or both?

Death is obviously a severe outcome(!) but if the likelihood of it actually occurring is remote then generally the assessment of that risk would be low-ish compared to if it also had a high likelihood... It's the context, not just what the risk is or the percentage is.

I mean, you'd probably be fairly relaxed about a 1 in 20 chance of a grazed knee if you undertook a particular activity, but if it was instead a 1 in 20 chance of being decapitated I imagine you'd be a lot less keen. Both can be described as a 5% risk - but whether 5% seems low depends on what happens to you in that 5%!

What I guess I'm trying to understand is if it's actually fairly common for people to die during/after this kind of surgery and I've just been ignorant of that until now? Or if it's more that it's scary to see that on the (long?) list of possible complications/risks even though most of them are rare?

'Cause we could all die falling down the stairs or driving to the supermarket. But we still walk up and down stairs and drive around.

That said, it doesn't sound like a vanity project or disgraceful. You've thought it through long term, you've explored other options, you've got s rational thought process to go with it, it sounds like it would have a transformative effect on you mentally and the way you're able to live.

YANBU in any way re spending the money, but please make sure you’re aware of the risks and the aftercare efforts you’ll have to make.

Also, not to put a downer on it, but I’d want to make sure proper arrangements were in place for your DC in the unlikely event something went wrong. This is major surgery and that carries a risk.

Thank you @minibroncs As for risk, the answer I get is it depends on each individual. I'm relatively young, non smoker, good bmi etc so it's low but they have my bloods and I'll get a more detailed idea of risk in September.

But, yes, the risk goes from death to MRSa to vaguely itchy scar etc. I have had two generals and a spinal before with no issues so I feel confident but still aware this is a massive ordeal for the body.

I just constantly look at other people and I so very rarely see anyone with this body shape. I see lots of larger women but they are in proportion- never see this big sticking out overhang.

I can do burpees but my tummy claps me 🙈

Tbh, I thought that it was going to look much worse! Mine is far far worse. Similar weight (went up to 14 stone at heaviest from 10 stone) and had two big babies and carried too much amniotic fluid. Mine is like a 90year Old's stomach. I think that you actually have a nice figure. Oth, if you are single I can understand the urge. I just don't think that it looks that bad. Am also contemplating one but scared stiff of general anaesthetic and operation. I suffer from anxiety though.

Honestly lovely, read this before deciding.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/greater-manchester-news/footballers-wife-denise-hendry-dies-924069.amp

The thing is though, you never see women undressed. Or if you do, the ones like me are hiding underneath a towel in the swimming pool. You wouldn't really know that I had a terrible stomach just by looking at me. I doubt that anyone else could tell if you are clothed.

@CorBlimeyGovenor but mine cannot be hidden even under clothes. There is always a bulge.

Thank you @RJnomore1...I will.

I had a mini tummy tuck a 10 years ago
I didnt have a big overhang but no matter what you do how many sit up crunches it won’t go away
Mine was pretty simple and straightforward

I paid £4500 inc lipo I think a full one with reposition of the belly button which is what you would probably need was about £7000 back then
My friend is of to Turkey to have her apron removed lipo and is paying £3500 including 8 days at the hospital
There is a clinic in Belgium that several of my friends have used for TT and lipo and Breast implants
Personally I have had major surgery both in the uk and abroad and not had a problem with any of it but I appreciate that’s not always the case for everyone
But I don’t regret any of the surgery I’ve had done and over the years there been a fair amount 😁

I did read that the risks increase three fold when combined with other procedures (i.s. combining tummy tuck with liposuction and boob job etc). Could you just have skin removal and not liposuction/muscle tightening? Would that reduce your risks? It's what I'm considering if I go ahead.

I would 100% do it. I've had plastic surgery twice, not the same operation and I've never regretted it once.

Mine was similar to yours OP and I had mine done 8 years ago. Single parent too.
It's not for the feint hearted - it's a big op and I couldn't get out of bed for 3 weeks. I slept and couldn't move and was in agony.

...,,,But totally worth it.

Surgery is so risky. I have overhang post kids, too, but have accepted it.

I would feel guilty spending that amount of money (even though I can easily afford it) on myself for vanity reasons.

My stomach is like that but not quite as bad. I’m saving up for surgery. It makes me so angry that some women just get their bodies back after pregnancy with not even a stretch mark. I don’t understand why I’m being punished like this and it’s awful. Surgery will definitely improve my mental health and fitness, and that’s important for my DC.

This is not a vanity project is it. This is about self care, mental health and happiness.

Its very easy for people to say they wouldn’t do something when they haven’t experienced it. Although sure, some people simply wouldn’t care about it and others would care but wouldn’t want to face the associated risks.

Personally I would have the surgery, risks attached to these types of procedures are very small. As long as you understand your personal risk level and are confident and secure in your surgeon then I would do it.

We’re not talking about a bit of Botox to take 5 years off your face, this would be a huge difference wouldn’t it.

A few years ago I looked into getting braces because my teeth are horrid, I never did it bc I felt it was for vanity, fast forward to having a family and I can no longer afford it and wish wish wish I had done it at the time when I had the disposable income. I know I would feel so much more confident and secure in myself.
I really regret not going for it. I think you probably would too.

It's very major surgery, Gumpos, that the OP is taking on significant debt for.

I have a similar size overhang from a large baby and non elestic skin followed by c-section. I hate how it looks and it’s also very uncomfortable at times. If I was you then I would go for it; I will never be able to afford to do anything about mine but I know if I could then I would!

How does it affect any future pregnancies? I know you say you are not looking to meet anyone else but you are only mid 30s. What if you meet someone who desperately wants kids with you and vice versa but the surgery makes that difficult?

If I were you OP, I'd have the operation. I think your self esteem will sky rocket.

As you've mentioned, you're a healthy weight etc. There's no number of crunches will fix it.

Good luck!

You are worthy of the investment into your physical and mental health. You are.