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Original poster

To be upset with this (date night)

110 replies

RJonezy · 15/08/2019 21:58

I will probably get stick for this... but please hear me put.

Me and boyfriend (been together 9 years, lived with each other for just under 1 year we are 27) went out for a rare meal tonight.

I got a text at work from him to say 'I'm taking you out for a meal tonight and it's a secret' I literally nearly fell out of my chair. This is so so rare for him. We never have nights like this, no kids, we should be making the most of it right?

The bill gets shoved on the table. He whips out our 'joint account' card. This is the card for the account we pay all our bills from sick as mortgage, gas and electric, tv bills etc (but not good). We put a certain amount of money each into it ever month. I hope that makes sense.

So realistically I paid for this...

Isn't the idea of being taken out for a meal is to be treated ?

Could be another nail in the coffin for us really Sad

Am I being unreasonable ?! Driving me insane...

OP posts:
Sandybval · 16/08/2019 02:33

I think if using joint money he should have asked and made it clear, there could have been something else you would rather spend the money on. I don't think that's unreasonable to be honest, I don't see it as me woman man must pay, but being upfront and so you can make a proper decision on whether to go or not.

Swellerellamoo · 16/08/2019 02:38

I think it's shit behaviour and I would say so.

managedmis · 16/08/2019 02:59

Er, he totally should have paid.

He just bought himself a 10k car, cash?! But he won't treat you to dinner?

He's showing you his priorities.

Durgasarrow · 16/08/2019 03:58

I don't think I would have noticed this, until you mentioned the car.

Mileysmiley · 16/08/2019 04:00

He sounds like a skinflint.

Durgasarrow · 16/08/2019 04:02

How is your money divided, OP? Do you earn a similar amount? If not, do you still both pay half toward your expenses? If you do, I would consider that unfair. I believe that partners should pay proportionate to what they earn.

Fr0g · 16/08/2019 04:58

it's clearly upset you - you need to have a conversation about it rather than stew in private (or here)

Shoxfordian · 16/08/2019 06:24

Does he usually pay himself when you go out? I'm also surprised you don't go out a lot. Dh and I go out for dinner most weeks plus seeing friends and stuff.

We have a joint account for bills and food, but my dh would pay for a meal out himself not on the joint acc.

Skittlenommer · 16/08/2019 07:06

You are 27, and have no kids - why aren't you out and about enjoying each others company as a regular thing ???

THIS! We’re childfree by choice and at least several times a week we do something fun together. Even if it just movie night and a pizza!

Original poster
RJonezy · 16/08/2019 07:56

Thanks all for your comments.

To everyone who has asked, we have our two private accounts which each of our salaries go into. The joint account is usually for mortgage and bills ect. We both put money into it each month.

OP posts:
Rethymnon · 16/08/2019 07:59

So I think I understand you OP. Many couples wouid just have joint finances anyway, but in your case you’re not married or at that stage yet. He basically paid for your date out of the bills account Confused, I can see how that would make you feel.

On top of this, he earns more than you (?) and has recently treated himself to a new car. This makes the fact he can’t bring himself to even treat you to dinner even more glaringly obvious.

Probably in your subconscious you are wondering if this man would have a concept of financially supporting you in the event of children coming along. Or would he always prioritise himself?

I personally find stingy men a real turn off. Is he always like this?

TheGodmother · 16/08/2019 08:39

You are not overthinking it. He appears to be mean. If he can spend all that money on a car but not a meal for you, well yes I'd be disappointed too.

As pp have said there are deeper issues here. Don't waste another 9 years.

73Sunglasslover · 16/08/2019 09:18

Is this not something you could discuss with him? If not, that might be the bigger issue.

dollydaydream114 · 16/08/2019 09:27

I think if someone said they were 'taking me out' I would think they meant they were going to treat me, rather than that we were having a night out and splitting the bill.

If my DP says 'Shall we go out for dinner?' or 'Let's go out for dinner' I kind of assume we'll both be paying for it. If he said 'I'm going to take you out for dinner' I'd assume he was paying, and I when I make the same offer to him, dinner is on me.

billy1966 · 16/08/2019 15:40

He's mean OP. Let this be the last nail. Stop wasting time.
Ditch👍

AllSweetnessAndLight · 16/08/2019 16:12

@RJonezy you've been together for 9 years. Talk to him. There must be more to this than you are letting on.

Scarydinosaurs · 16/08/2019 16:16

So will you say to him:

  • you need to put more into the account this month?
  • not much of a gift for me if you put the meal on the joint account?
  • how come we’re putting meals out on the joint account now?
CottonSock · 16/08/2019 16:19

We have a similar set up with accounts, I don't think dh would mind if I said it was a surprise then we used the joint account. I'd probably think it a bit odd if he did as earns way more (I'm part time).

Witchinaditch · 16/08/2019 16:20

It’s the thought that counts! He still planned where to take you and that you were going out, surely that means more than who pays?

AmateurSwami · 16/08/2019 17:49

You’re 27, no kids, loads of “nails in the coffin”. I’d just leave tbh

Greyponcho · 16/08/2019 18:04

OP, have you got any savings?
Could you possibly be resentful that maybe his savings could’ve/should’ve gone towards something that both of you can enjoy/benefit from, such as overpayments on mortgage, home improvements, nice holiday, rainy day fund etc?

If going out and enjoying life together in the prime of your lives has been sacrificed so he can save, perhaps you’d expect to see something better in return than his arse being massaged by a plush car seat on his way to work.
What if he suddenly lost his job - would he be counting on you to keep him afloat? What if you lost yours - could he support you?
Or has he saved his money and you haven’t - there’s more to this than the original post and perhaps you need to really think what it is

gamerchick · 16/08/2019 18:12

I'd be wondering what else was coming out of the joint account tbh.

These threads always descend into the wide eyed 'i don't understand these seperate finances when you're in a trusted relationship' posts. It's not exactly hard to work out. It isn't weird, not everybody is a sheeple. Like taking your husband's name. Just isn't necessary in every relationship and means bugger all Hmm

Original poster
RJonezy · 16/08/2019 18:57

Thanks all, I've read every single one of your posts. Yes I have my own savings exactly for the reason I could lose my job. I like knowing I have stuff to fall on.

He has none as went towards his car. He's resentful of it so trying to get his savings up and not looking to spend anything. Partly the reason he wanted to use the joint account for our meal!!

OP posts:
Original poster
RJonezy · 16/08/2019 18:59

@AllSweetnessAndLight I try to talk, goes on death ears.

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 17/08/2019 01:49

Sounds like it might be time to bin him and move on, TBH. He's always going to put himself first, and that's not the sort of person you want to be having DC with - you'll be paying for all their clothes, shoes, toys and treats out of your 'spending money' and probably scrimping on the food, too, while he carries on buying expensive toys for himself because he's the MAN higher earner, once you've had to reduce your hours to look after DC...

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