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Original poster

To be upset with this (date night)

110 replies

RJonezy · 15/08/2019 21:58

I will probably get stick for this... but please hear me put.

Me and boyfriend (been together 9 years, lived with each other for just under 1 year we are 27) went out for a rare meal tonight.

I got a text at work from him to say 'I'm taking you out for a meal tonight and it's a secret' I literally nearly fell out of my chair. This is so so rare for him. We never have nights like this, no kids, we should be making the most of it right?

The bill gets shoved on the table. He whips out our 'joint account' card. This is the card for the account we pay all our bills from sick as mortgage, gas and electric, tv bills etc (but not good). We put a certain amount of money each into it ever month. I hope that makes sense.

So realistically I paid for this...

Isn't the idea of being taken out for a meal is to be treated ?

Could be another nail in the coffin for us really Sad

Am I being unreasonable ?! Driving me insane...

OP posts:
Nacreous · 15/08/2019 22:15

If you earn similar amounts could you pool a bit more into the joint account so that there's less "who paid for what".

With my mum (who I obviously don't share an account with!) we use an app called Splitwise to track it, so we don't have to constantly add it up and remember it.

billy1966 · 15/08/2019 22:15

OP, you don't sound happy with your relationship.

Rather than get yourself twisted up on this date night focus on what is really bothering you.

You are clearly not happy.

Ye have been together for 9 years and you are not a satisfied, happy woman.

Focus on the facts.
Make a decision.
Move on, if you need to.
👍

Original poster
RJonezy · 15/08/2019 22:16

Thanks @billy1966 Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
RJonezy · 15/08/2019 22:17

Thanks @Nacreous I will look into that!

OP posts:
Letthemysterybe · 15/08/2019 22:17

This wouldn’t have bothered me. As soon as we got a joint account, all meals out and stuff like that went on it. But then, pre kids, we did go out a lot. I wouldn’t focus on this one small thing, and instead I would put my energy into assessing what the deeper problems are.

SunniDay · 15/08/2019 22:17

"Whoever's idea it is usually pays. Just not this time"

Perhaps that contributes to why you feel you go out rarely - why not decide to both put a bit extra in the joint account so you have a kitty for joint leisure?

BumbleBeee69 · 15/08/2019 22:22

You're NOT overthinking this OP.. Hmm

you just paid for your OWN secret meal, he's a cheap arse. Flowers

Hannah4banana · 15/08/2019 22:27

We had a lovely date night tonight paid for from our joint account. My hubbie even ordered me a cocktail as a surprise lol. We both have our own accounts but would never think of using them to pay seperately if we are out together. I treasure our date nights, who cares if it comes out the joint money. Do you have other relationship issues?

Original poster
RJonezy · 15/08/2019 22:35

@Hannah4banana I know what you mean but sometimes it's nice for one of us to treat the other directly rather than having everything shared, I appreciate gestures like that but I know everyone is different.

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 15/08/2019 22:37

I suspect that he normally spends 'his' spending money on himself and somehow any joint expenses over and above normal living costs are met by you. And I can see why it might grate a bit that he deliberately gave you the impression that he was 'treating' you... and then guess what, you were paying for yourself.

ChicCroissant · 15/08/2019 22:37

If the car purchase is the issue OP, focus on that - don't bring a meal paid for from the joint account into it or make it a relationship-ending thing.

Original poster
RJonezy · 15/08/2019 22:39

@ChicCroissant it's definitely not a relationship ender for me personally, just another nail perhaps in the coffin. It sounds awful I know...

OP posts:
Justaboy · 15/08/2019 22:39

Awww .. its the thought that counts!

TanMateix · 15/08/2019 22:42

I don’t know, when I was married the money belong to both of us, so using the joint account for taking me or him out was perfectly reasonable.

Now if you are one of those couples who insist in separate finances and even have separate shelves in the fridge. I can understand why you are annoyed

SirGawain · 15/08/2019 22:45

I've never quite understood the idea of seperate finances if you in a trusting relationship, (and if there is no trust why are you together).
Lady Gawain and I pool all our money and have since we married many years ago. When she was not earning in the childcare years it would have been unreasonable to suggest that all of the money we had was mine and only give her 'pocket money'.
Buying a car has always been a joint decision even though she cannot drive.

Chickoletta · 15/08/2019 22:46

We only have joint money. I couldn't bear to live my life keeping tabs on who paid for this or that. If you share a home and a life with someone you should be able to share finances IMO.

cheesydoesit · 15/08/2019 22:46

The thing is, if you were to have kids would he still be dropping 10k on a car and leaving you to pay for all the mundane necessities? For what it's worth I would be disappointed too, especially as he had made a thing of going out and spent that much on a car (for himself I presume?) Or is it for both of you to use?

Furrydogmum · 15/08/2019 22:51

It comes down to how finances are shared, perhaps because you aren't married you see it as our pot, my pot and his pot. My DH's salary goes into the joint account and I leave what is required for all household bills in there then split the rest between our spending accounts and some savings. My wage goes into my account and gets spent as required - mainly on the dcs but it is still our money..
If it feels wrong to you then talk to him about it.

Original poster
RJonezy · 15/08/2019 22:51

@cheesydoesit just for him to use (quite a nice edition too)... I have my own car. Thanks for your comment

OP posts:
Doormat247 · 15/08/2019 22:52

I'd be annoyed too. What he should have said was 'do you fancy a meal out tonight?' then you'd realistically expect it to be coming out of the joint account.
The way he said it to you would 100% mean he was paying, in my opinion. It sounded like he was about to treat you, and you're not at all unreasonable for expecting that.

When my marriage was coming to an end the meal payments were one of the things to suffer - I stopped offering to pay half seeing as he'd suggested the trip. He was quite happy paying for the whole thing though so didn't really go down as planned 😄.

HennyPennyHorror · 15/08/2019 22:54

Don't mean to be rude but it's BOUGHT not brought. You sound intelligent and articulate...the rest of your posts are written clearly and without mistakes so I don't think you're suffering from any learning issues. There's no R in bought.

Nothingcomesforfree · 15/08/2019 22:56

He made it sound different to the reality of just going out for a meal together. Why not just say “let’s go out tonight”?
You’ve been together a long time.Whats the vision for the future?

Coconut0il · 15/08/2019 23:02

I would've been annoyed. This wasn't a plan you'd made together. He said he was taking you out, he should've paid.

Butterymuffin · 15/08/2019 23:04

Has he been cutting back on his fun spending so that it then gets left to you to pick up non-essentials because he's short of cash after his car payments?

Are you disillusioned with the way the future looks with this guy? Sounds like grim reality is setting in now you live together.

Sorrysorrysosorry · 15/08/2019 23:08

Not something I would be upset about I thought. The ‘thing’ was the surprise at being taken out and the venue. I don’t get the big deal out of it being paid out of a joint account.
Is it a case of What’s yours is mine what’s mines my own?
UNTIL I read he just bought a 10 grand car. CASH.
And he’s being tight with money? Well sure he is, he has to build his secret savings up somehow! (I’m presuming you don’t have 10 grand yourself squirrelled away?)
My DSis married someone tight. Found his cash point receipt in his pocket when doing the laundry 6 years ago, she was buying budget food for the kids and had cancelled after school activities. He had £12,000 in his account!

You need a serious conversation with him.

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