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Original poster

To be upset with this (date night)

110 replies

RJonezy · 15/08/2019 21:58

I will probably get stick for this... but please hear me put.

Me and boyfriend (been together 9 years, lived with each other for just under 1 year we are 27) went out for a rare meal tonight.

I got a text at work from him to say 'I'm taking you out for a meal tonight and it's a secret' I literally nearly fell out of my chair. This is so so rare for him. We never have nights like this, no kids, we should be making the most of it right?

The bill gets shoved on the table. He whips out our 'joint account' card. This is the card for the account we pay all our bills from sick as mortgage, gas and electric, tv bills etc (but not good). We put a certain amount of money each into it ever month. I hope that makes sense.

So realistically I paid for this...

Isn't the idea of being taken out for a meal is to be treated ?

Could be another nail in the coffin for us really Sad

Am I being unreasonable ?! Driving me insane...

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 15/08/2019 23:13

You are not over thinking it OP. If it feels wrong then it is wrong. I learned to trust my instincts and they are normally right.
He said he was taking you out so he should have paid. He didn't give you any choice as to whether you wanted to spend your own money just whipped out your joint card.
He sounds like a right tight wad.
You should be making the most of your 20 and it all sounds rather boring to me.
I'd have a good think about where this relationship is going and definitely have this out with him.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 15/08/2019 23:24

I'd be annoyed too. What he should have said was 'do you fancy a meal out tonight?' then you'd realistically expect it to be coming out of the joint account.

I think this is the crux of it. He positioned it as a big gesture, when really it was just ‘Let’s not bother cooking tonight’.

As much as I hate the expression ‘date night’, if doing things together is rare enough that you’re nearly falling off your chair at the very suggestion, maybe that’s something you need to address.

Skittlenommer · 15/08/2019 23:34

This wouldn’t bother me at all. DH and I have a joint account slush fund for all meals out, treats etc!

EB100 · 15/08/2019 23:37

Maybe the surprise was taking you out? My DH will never arrange a night out or meal for us, and I wish he would (joint finances and all). I always have to make the plans, and it would be nice if he did it for once.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 15/08/2019 23:48

Whilst I dislike the phrase I think date nights are good in a relationship. As you said you so rarely go out you nearly fell off the chair. It's not about who pays but about spending time together enjoying each others company.

AllSweetnessAndLight · 15/08/2019 23:52

I can see why it has upset you if things are not going so well. My guess is you miss the romance of dating that you had before you started living together. Things always settle down when you live together and everyday living can take over. You need to have fun. It is salvage-able if you both try. You don't have children so there's no reason why you can't have spontaneous dates and romantic nights out. Talk to him. If you can't speak about it without an argument, try writing down how you both feel.

BackforGood · 15/08/2019 23:55

I agree with most people.
The issue of the bill coming from the joint account is just not an issue for me. If we go out, one of us will use our card, but the bills for both cards come out of our joint account. I think the "treat" was that he arranged it and planned it, and that you were going to spend that time together.
However, the fact that that ('spending time together' / going out for a meal) is such a rare thing, is what screams out to me as being the issue.

You say I got a text at work from him to say 'I'm taking you out for a meal tonight and it's a secret' I literally nearly fell out of my chair. This is so so rare for him. We never have nights like this, no kids, we should be making the most of it right?

You are 27, and have no kids - why aren't you out and about enjoying each others company as a regular thing ??? At that stage in life we'd be doing something together in the evenings probably 3 times a week. The fact you are "shocked" by the suggestion, and you say it is so rare, suggests that your relationship is not what it should be at this stage in your lives. I think that is the issue, not whether you take turns to pay for a meal or you use the joint account.

lostpigeon · 15/08/2019 23:56

date night is a load of bollocks anyway. Why big it up.

1300cakes · 16/08/2019 00:03

This wouldn't bother me. The "take you out" part refers to having the idea and choosing/booking the restaurant. This sounds like not much work, but it can be and it sounds like it's the reason you don't go out much, as you don't mention money or overly busy schedules as an issue.

Horehound · 16/08/2019 00:06

This wouldn't have bothered me either

VenusTiger · 16/08/2019 00:13

When was the last time you sent him a text and said you were taking him out OP? Curious. Women can be spontaneous and romantic too.

TheInebriati · 16/08/2019 00:20

YANBU.
'I'm taking you out for a meal tonight' - I pay.
'Lets go out for a meal tonight' - split the bill.

I would interpret his behaviour as goady and watch for a pattern.

cstaff · 16/08/2019 00:21

I'm with you OP. The way he put it made it sound like he was treating you which wasn't actually the case.

If he had just said do you fancy a bite to eat out tonight that would have made it more casual.

AllSweetnessAndLight · 16/08/2019 00:34

I got a text at work from him to say 'I'm taking you out for a meal tonight and it's a secret' I literally nearly fell out of my chair. This is so so rare for him.
Reading back over your op (and I know this is quite a leap!) - I'm wondering did you think he was going to propose to you? Going out 9 years, living together, getting a surprise text about taking you out and it being a secret, behaviour which is so so rare for him.

1forAll74 · 16/08/2019 00:42

Bit odd to be thinking along these lines,if you have both had a nice evening meal,and a night out. Did you go to the Ritz in London ?

isitjanuary · 16/08/2019 01:01

He sounds like a tight ass. Except for his car of course.

quizqueen · 16/08/2019 01:08

He offered the invitation, he should have paid; or he should just have said,' Shall we go out for a meal tonight instead of staying in, there's enough in the account?'.... ..or words to that effect.

howdyalikemenow · 16/08/2019 01:17

Nope. He's a tightwad. If I say 'my treat' that comes out of 'my money'

JockTamsonsBairns · 16/08/2019 01:21

Quite aside from the finances of it, I'm curious as to why it's so rare that the two of you go out - to the point you're falling off your chair when it's suggested?

I met my (now) DH when we were 28, and I can honestly say we were rarely in. It's a time of your life that you can be spontaneous, text each other through the day with suggestions of what to do in the evening, and just see where the night takes you. If the budget is tight, it could just be a walk in the park or whatever, take a flask of tea/two cans of gin and watch the sun go down. It doesn't matter what.

We've got 3 DC's now, and I miss those carefree times. Other pp's may have a point, OP - what's really going on?

user1473878824 · 16/08/2019 01:28

OP, I’m sorry you’ve had a bit of a shitty evening. @StillCoughingandLaughing has it exactly I think.

He’s made out like it’s a big surprise and he’s going to treat you. And then you’ve basically paid for half of it. It’s just a bit of a letdown.

I feel like the tiny letdowns build up and just make you feel a bit oh... again and again. From your post it does feel like you two have a lot of Not Great going on.

Are you okay? X

notangelinajolie · 16/08/2019 01:29

But if you live together then surely your share everything? Therefore it doesn't really matter where the money came from.

WishingILivedOnAnIsland · 16/08/2019 01:32

I wouldn't like this either. You paid for your own 'secret' meal? He invited you and planned it, part of that is treating your guest! It's especially bad because of how rarely you go out. If a couple regularly go out to eat then it makes sense for it to be a joint expense or to take it in turns to pay. OP's partner made some fanfair about this rare and special date and then wouldn't put his hand in his own pocket for her meal. What a cheap bastard.

It doesn't sound like things are going well in general though. If everything else was fabulous you wouldn't be as bothered probably.

WishingILivedOnAnIsland · 16/08/2019 01:34

@notangelinajolie but they don't share everything. They have joint money and separate money. That's the whole point of the thread.

I can't imagine having separate money either but it's really common and has a different set of expectations and rules.

WishingILivedOnAnIsland · 16/08/2019 01:36

@RJonezy can you explain more about why two childless people in their 20s aren't going out much?

Maybe you've been together for too long. You're young- please enjoy yourself more! If you CBFed doing things together at this point in life then what does the future look like?

Don't waste your 20s on staying in because your BF bought a car!

SaraNade · 16/08/2019 01:56

YANBU In my view, him taking you out would mean he was paying for the meal, but he used your joint account instead of paying out of his own money. To me that is stingy and I would be upset with that.

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