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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be upset by my friend's response to the man I am dating?

102 replies

lilyflowerbloom · 15/08/2019 20:49

I have been dating this man a couple of months now, and I am absolutely smitten. He's like no man I've ever been with before - he's really kind, and easy to talk to. He's also super respectful. He knows that a lot of my exes have not been so nice (for example one of my exes shared photographs of me to his friends when we had an argument Sad ). I have had men hit me, sexually assault me, control and bully me. I have a tendency to rush into things, and have irrational fears that someone will cheat on me (which, looking at my history isn't that irrational!), and constantly feel uncomfortable in relationships because of that.

Anyway, the bottom line is that he has been really respectful and kind with taking things slowly. We've planned for a weekend away in a couple of weeks. When organizing it, he asked me whether I felt comfortable sharing a hotel room with him, or whether I wanted to stay in a room on my own. He said I didn't need to decide right now anyway and that he didn't want to pressure me. We continue talking on the phone as we would usually do for the next hour or so. I had such a warm feeling after he said that though, I finally felt like someone actually cared about me and not trying to get me into bed Blush I told him I appreciated what he said so much when I met him for a coffee today and he said "I just really like you, I don't know how else to act" and "I don't want to ruin this". Again, I felt so positive! He's told me he's not dating anyone else and he's told his friends about me/I'm meeting one of them on Sunday.

I was speaking to my friend about it tonight. She is my best friend, have been close since we were about 15 (so 15 years!). She has witnessed my piss-poor relationships and always encouraged me to strive for better! I told her about the hotel room comment and she basically said "that's so weird, you haven't had sex after 6 weeks? are you sure you're not just friends?" I was a bit stunned so didn't really say anything apart from something pathetic like we kiss/cuddle etc. and she laughed a bit. She also told me to "check for the red flags" - but to me, there isn't any. The only red flag I can see is that we possibly talk too much - by that, I mean if he rings me for a chat it can go on for an hour and a half. And we meet up every Saturday for the day and the evening. Is that too much time?

She then was speaking about a man she was seeing who hasn't contacted her in 12 days because he is at a music festival. She was really stressing about it, thinking of all these reasons as to why he hasn't text her. I just said, whatever reason there is, I think you deserve more. She said, "what like what you have?" and laughed.

Now, I am doubting myself. - is that a weird thing he said to me about the hotel room? I genuinely think it is a nice request, I've known men in the past to want sex on the first date! Is it weird not to have sex after 6 weeks of dating??

AIBU or mostly, am I being naive?

OP posts:
northernknickers · 15/08/2019 20:51

He sounds lovely OP. Your friend is either jealous, or has very low standards 🤷‍♀️

Zebraaa · 15/08/2019 20:53

It’s not for everyone (including me) but it if makes you happy that’s all that matters

HollowTalk · 15/08/2019 20:53

He does sound lovely and your friend sounds nuts.

helpmum2003 · 15/08/2019 20:54

There should be no rush to have sex, he seems very respectful which is great!

GinDaddy · 15/08/2019 20:55

Your friend sounds like she is projecting her own issues with partners and dating onto you.

Enjoy your world and your happiness. This guy sounds a good ‘un.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 15/08/2019 20:55

I dont think it's weird to wait 6 weeks or more especially if you've been hurt in the past.

As for being 'just friends', do you kiss and cuddle platonic friends in the same way you do with him? If not then you're not just friends

It sounds like you both think there is some potential for something long term and dont want to rush it.

I think she is jealous, that your guy is organising a weekend away and giving you a choice of rooms, while hers is AWOL at a festival without her

Dieu · 15/08/2019 20:56

He sounds great, and so do you Smile Ignore your friend, and all the best with your new relationship.

something2say · 15/08/2019 20:57

She liked it when her life was perfect while yours was under par. Now things are getting better for you, she wants to poke holes in it.

Enough!!

Your new fella sounds like mine. He was very respectful from day one, around my house, with me personally. You enjoy it x

Furrydogmum · 15/08/2019 20:58

I think your friend is a little jealous because you seem to have found a nice man who has taken the time to get to know you and like you before "trying to get you into bed" Don't let her rub the glow off, carry on liking each other and getting to know each other - if you're on the same page when it gets to the weekend away sleeping in the same bed may be a given! He sounds lovely 👍

WanderingTrolley1 · 15/08/2019 20:59

She’s jealous. He sounds lovely.

CupoTeap · 15/08/2019 21:00

He sounds lovely- she doesn't sound like the person to be giving out advice.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 15/08/2019 21:00

Your friends a mug for still being available to someone who hasn’t contacted her in 12 days.

FieryBiscuits14 · 15/08/2019 21:01

He sounds lovely and exactly what you need. She's jealous and projecting as she's picked a wrong un.

Enjoy being happy

Binforky · 15/08/2019 21:04

I dont think it's weird at all both of my relationships I made them wait 6+ weeks. I know alot of people think I'm odd though as I've never had a one night stand.

If he makes you happy who cares what others think.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 15/08/2019 21:04

Her relationship isn’t going well and she’s taking it out on you and yours

I can’t see anything wrong with what you’ve said here, he sounds lovely

HeresMe · 15/08/2019 21:09

I'm a man and that's how I'd love my relationships to go, there is no hurry, he sounds brill, she's just jealous.

BoomBoomBoomLetMeHearYouSay · 15/08/2019 21:09

This was me OP and I am now married!

I also had a friend try to say it was weird!

MrsTommyBanks · 15/08/2019 21:10

She liked it when her life was perfect while yours was under par. Now things are getting better for you, she wants to poke holes in it

^This

QueenofallIsee · 15/08/2019 21:12

She is 100% pissy because you are on the up. I have a very old friend that I see now almost liked that she had her happy marriage and I was very unhappy personally. This has manifested itself since I met DP, with little digs and snipes, often followed up with ‘I am soooooo happy for you’. Pay her no mind, trust your judgement OP

sonjadog · 15/08/2019 21:12

Your relationship sounds just fine. I waited a good deal longer than six weeks as I wanted more than a shag. I think she is just trying to burst your bubble. If she keeps this up, stop telling her about your relationship.

Elieza · 15/08/2019 21:14

Sounds like he’s totally letting you control the pace of everything. Which is thoughtful and respectful.
Your friend hasn’t had the same experiences as you and feels more comfortable moving at a different pace. Which is her preference. Neither are wrong.
However I don’t know why she’s trying to make you think something is the matter. Seems bizarre. I’d be well happy for you if you were my mate and confirming that you can do whatever you want and to enjoy dating at whatever speed suits. I have a friend who is saving herself for marriage. I have no problem with that. Again, her choice. Smile

OMGshefoundmeout · 15/08/2019 21:15

He sounds very nice indeed. He seems to like and respect you. I agree that your friend is being unreasonable. Go on your weekend and enjoy it.

Weezol · 15/08/2019 21:19

Your friend is an idiot. Does she often try to undermine your confidence like this?

Nothing at all wrong with taking things slowly. It sounds like you are with an actual grown up with some emotional intelligence - enjoy your relationship!

AguerosAngel · 15/08/2019 21:19

I think your chap sounds lovely OP and it’s certainly not weird or a red flag that you’ve not had sex six weeks into your relationship!

Not at all weird!!

I agree with PP’s that your friend is a bit jealous perhaps and is projecting her worries about her own relationship onto you!

Chocolate1984 · 15/08/2019 21:21

Waiting 6-8 weeks before having sex used to be normal. You’d meet someone, date, spend hours chatting on the phone, get to know them, and then have sex. It was nice and none of this sleeping with someone and then being ghosted.

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