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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be upset by my friend's response to the man I am dating?

102 replies

lilyflowerbloom · 15/08/2019 20:49

I have been dating this man a couple of months now, and I am absolutely smitten. He's like no man I've ever been with before - he's really kind, and easy to talk to. He's also super respectful. He knows that a lot of my exes have not been so nice (for example one of my exes shared photographs of me to his friends when we had an argument Sad ). I have had men hit me, sexually assault me, control and bully me. I have a tendency to rush into things, and have irrational fears that someone will cheat on me (which, looking at my history isn't that irrational!), and constantly feel uncomfortable in relationships because of that.

Anyway, the bottom line is that he has been really respectful and kind with taking things slowly. We've planned for a weekend away in a couple of weeks. When organizing it, he asked me whether I felt comfortable sharing a hotel room with him, or whether I wanted to stay in a room on my own. He said I didn't need to decide right now anyway and that he didn't want to pressure me. We continue talking on the phone as we would usually do for the next hour or so. I had such a warm feeling after he said that though, I finally felt like someone actually cared about me and not trying to get me into bed Blush I told him I appreciated what he said so much when I met him for a coffee today and he said "I just really like you, I don't know how else to act" and "I don't want to ruin this". Again, I felt so positive! He's told me he's not dating anyone else and he's told his friends about me/I'm meeting one of them on Sunday.

I was speaking to my friend about it tonight. She is my best friend, have been close since we were about 15 (so 15 years!). She has witnessed my piss-poor relationships and always encouraged me to strive for better! I told her about the hotel room comment and she basically said "that's so weird, you haven't had sex after 6 weeks? are you sure you're not just friends?" I was a bit stunned so didn't really say anything apart from something pathetic like we kiss/cuddle etc. and she laughed a bit. She also told me to "check for the red flags" - but to me, there isn't any. The only red flag I can see is that we possibly talk too much - by that, I mean if he rings me for a chat it can go on for an hour and a half. And we meet up every Saturday for the day and the evening. Is that too much time?

She then was speaking about a man she was seeing who hasn't contacted her in 12 days because he is at a music festival. She was really stressing about it, thinking of all these reasons as to why he hasn't text her. I just said, whatever reason there is, I think you deserve more. She said, "what like what you have?" and laughed.

Now, I am doubting myself. - is that a weird thing he said to me about the hotel room? I genuinely think it is a nice request, I've known men in the past to want sex on the first date! Is it weird not to have sex after 6 weeks of dating??

AIBU or mostly, am I being naive?

OP posts:
TanyaChix · 15/08/2019 22:31

Saying no sex after a mere six weeks is a friendship is absolutely ridiculous. She sounds a bit jealous that her bloke is crap and yours seems really lovely. Don’t let her warp your view of him.

Vasya · 15/08/2019 22:32

There is no right or wrong time to have sex - what matters is that it is what you and your DP want.

Ignore your friend, who is projecting her own anxieties on to you. Her opinion isn't fact. She doesn't know what is best for you.

lavenderbluedilly · 15/08/2019 22:35

I’d normally say YANBU, however I previously had a very similar situation to you. It turned out the lovely man I was dating had a very low libido and severe problems with erectile dysfunction, to the point he hadn’t had sex for ten years. So in that case he was prolonging me from finding this out. I realise that’s an extreme example, but in hindsight my friend was correct in her assumption that it was weird we were waiting so long

Justaboy · 15/08/2019 22:38

He sounds - by MN standards, too good to be true;!

billy1966 · 15/08/2019 22:43

OP, listen to your gut and you won't go wrong.
Stop giving that nasty friend your time or your personal information.

Waiting to see if you have a connection before you have sex used to be the way of doing things for a lot of people.

There's is nothing wrong and everything to be gained with taking things slowly.

Nothingcomesforfree · 15/08/2019 22:46

Have you had any physical contact with him?

I agree that friend is being dissimive because she is stressing about her relationship.

I have also had a similar relationship where he dressed it up as respect and it turned out he wasn’t quite over his ex. So I would say he’s probably a good guy but use the next few months to suss out the real bloke.

Beautiful3 · 15/08/2019 22:46

He sounds lovely. Take no notice of your friend. I didn't sleep with my husband until 3 months because I had been abused as a child. I wanted to make sure I felt comfortable and that it was my decision. You do what feels right for you. I wish you all the best.

lilyflowerbloom · 15/08/2019 22:47

@lavenderbluedilly

That sounds like a stressful situation, I suppose that's quite deceitful, and I can understand why you'd be annoyed.

He definitely doesn't have low libido if our conversations are anything to go by Blush

... but you never know!

OP posts:
lilyflowerbloom · 15/08/2019 22:49

@Nothingcomesforfree

What do you mean by physical contact?

We've kissed a lot, and hugged. About a week ago things were progressing towards sex but his housemate came home...

He's been open about his ex, they split up 2 years ago. Doesn't really seem to have any opinion on her from what I can tell, good or bad..

OP posts:
lavenderbluedilly · 15/08/2019 22:50

Thanks Lily, yes it was a difficult situation. Your man sounds lovely though, hope it all goes well

froggybiby · 15/08/2019 22:53

He sounds lovely. Your friend is just jealous.

MidnightMystery · 15/08/2019 22:54

Your friend is jealous because this man is into you and no one is in to her.

I'm happy that things are going well for you! Have a lovely time away with him !x

Fizzpopwhizzbang · 15/08/2019 22:55

It's fine to not have had sex after 6 weeks.

We live in the tinder age where strangers are bonking left right and centre, and people who are into it tend to see the whole world of relationships through that lense. That's absolutely fine if you're into it, but you don't have to be. Please continue to take your relationship at whatever pace you feel comfortable with.

Fwiw, I was one of those who was bonking strangers left right and centre for quite some time. I had lots of fun. Then I met my now DH. I fell for him almost instantly. I didn't sleep with him for nearly 3 months. I was scared to. I knew he had the power to really hurt me and I desperately didn't want anything to go wrong. I wanted to make sure it was the real deal, and really get to know each other before anything happened. I'm so glad that I did. 8 years later and we're very happily married with DC. He's the most wonderful man I've ever met and although he made no secret of wanting to sleep with me he never pressured me into anything. If he had I don't think we'd be married now.

lilyflowerbloom · 15/08/2019 22:57

@Fizzpopwhizzbang

That is exactly like me...

I've had one night stands with lots of people and met up with men on Tinder, much to the amusement of my friends! I did enjoy it, but it's just empty for me now.

It so ridiculous that I feel so nervous about having sex when I've met men I didn't know for sex ... but the more I get to know him, the more nervous I am.

OP posts:
Fizzpopwhizzbang · 15/08/2019 22:59

Oh and I agree with PPs that your mate is a bit jealous. I'd just ignore it and maybe share less with her about your new boyfriend. She'll only twist stuff to make it seem bad, you don't need that sort of negativity.

TheRLodger · 16/08/2019 08:44

He sounds lovely op. Think your friends is being jealous. Enjoy your weekend away

GoAwayRain · 16/08/2019 09:01

Well I think he sounds lovely. There are men out there who are respectful and considerate.
Ignore your friend and have a great time.

Shoxfordian · 16/08/2019 09:06

It sounds good to me
Ignore her and have fun

Bluntness100 · 16/08/2019 09:10

He sounds like a nice man, but I'm afraid I'm with your friend. And I can assure other posters I'm not jealous...😂

I find it weird that people in their thirties dating haven't had sex or really gone much past kissing, other than once, and I'd also wonder if there was a red flag there, sometimes people talk the talk but when it comes to it, there is a problem. I guess you'll find out soon enough.

If you were both virgins or very religious I'd understand, but clearly that's not the case. So I'd wonder if this guy has something else going on, from some weird fetish to being gay to low libido.

Sorry op, but in my experience a man who doesn't do much more than kiss you and talk about it, could have some form of issue.

messolini9 · 16/08/2019 09:26

Aaaah. Now I see.

Your friend enjoyed "lame ducking" you in the period you were going through less than satisfactory relationships. Now that you are in a new one that looks good, you are being treated respectfully & are taking things at your own pace, she is at a loss.

Her comments are simply nasty - but ridiculous, so don't let her unjustified negativity undermine you in any way.

As to her daft remark "that's so weird, you haven't had sex after 6 weeks?" - here's news - there is no rulebook. You take it as slowly as you want to, especially given your understandable nervousness about getting into poor relationships previously. The fact that your new man is taking pains to ensure you are comfortable is a wonderful sign & any REAL friend would be delighted for you & supporting you to take as much "getting to know you time" as you need.

Your 'friend' sounds like she has more invested in seeing your new relationship turn sour or fail than in seeing you safe & happy. Maybe she feels better abot herself when you are struggling, so that is the role she has cast you in.

You keep taking things as slowly as you want, & if I were you I'd be telling 'friend' less & less about my new chap. 'Friend' doesn't have your back here. Keep your guard up for any further unsolicited & damaging "advice" - you don't need it. Far better to let yourself slowly get to know your new b/f, & ensure that you 2 are taking care of each others' newly emerging feelings.

Keep insisting on that respect from your new man, OP.
& be happy, even if that means spending less time with your so-called friend. She's looking for ways to make you fail, so that she can feel she has the upper hand again. Sounds a bit like some of your less-pleasant previous romantic relationships, doesn't it? Think long & hard on that - & make sure you protect yourself against any further sabotaging remarks from this woman.

theWarOnPeace · 16/08/2019 09:26

Of all the various waiting times before having sex, the 6+ weeks between me and my husband was the longest either of us had ever waited.

Not to say that everyone who waits gets married, or that everyone who has sex straight away is in a doomed relationship - not at all! But I suppose the waiting signifies certain things. Patience. Genuine interest. Wanting to make sure the other person is comfortable and sure.

I’ve had previous to my DH, only one really nice relationship where we had sex very early on, the rest have all been incompatible and basically shit. I think it doesn’t help that particularly for women, sex bonds you with someone and you then try and make something out of what might actually be nothing. You end up making excuses and prolonging unsuitable relationships because you’ve slept with them.... or maybe I’m projecting!

With my husband I was overly on the look out for red flags, deliberately didn’t sleep with him early because I wanted to make sure I wasn’t going to get suckered in to yet another incompatible relationship. The thing is, I could have done that and we still could have broken up and that’s ok. But I suppose I was at least in better control of my decisions than I may have been previously.

ImMeantToBeWorking · 16/08/2019 09:49

Having been on the receiving end of jealous comments, I feel like that's what this is.

She is at home stressing about the guy she is seeing not contacting her for 12 days (what music festival is even that long??) and you are talking about the guy you are seeing who is really respectful.

He sounds lovely to me, and the fact that you are waiting, will make your first time even more special. Enjoy your weekend away Wink

whattodowith · 16/08/2019 09:53

He sounds lovely and she sounds bitter and jealous. You have a man who actually gives a shit and the guy she is seeing clearly does not, that’s the crux of it.

Not having sex six weeks in is perfectly normal.

Bluntness100 · 16/08/2019 10:16

Not having sex six weeks in is perfectly normal

It's odd. Because I don't think it is. Not for people in their thirties who haven't really gone past a kiss and a hug in six weeks.

So as much as this could be what it says on the tin, the friend is envious snd he's just some really respectful guy, let's be honest, it could also be something very different indeed and the friend might be right.

LiveInAHidingPlace · 16/08/2019 10:22

Sometimes people don't like it when dysfunctional people improve their lives. That makes them question their own lives and why they continue to make the same mistakes again and again while you have made changes.

It was the same when I married my husband who I waited for ages to have sex with and who is kind and nice and respectful. Some "friends" really did not like that I was no longer the messy, useless one and would basically imply he was too good for me...

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