to be upset by my friend's response to the man I am dating?

[lilyflowerbloom]

I have been dating this man a couple of months now, and I am absolutely smitten. He's like no man I've ever been with before - he's really kind, and easy to talk to. He's also super respectful. He knows that a lot of my exes have not been so nice (for example one of my exes shared photographs of me to his friends when we had an argument ). I have had men hit me, sexually assault me, control and bully me. I have a tendency to rush into things, and have irrational fears that someone will cheat on me (which, looking at my history isn't that irrational!), and constantly feel uncomfortable in relationships because of that.

Anyway, the bottom line is that he has been really respectful and kind with taking things slowly. We've planned for a weekend away in a couple of weeks. When organizing it, he asked me whether I felt comfortable sharing a hotel room with him, or whether I wanted to stay in a room on my own. He said I didn't need to decide right now anyway and that he didn't want to pressure me. We continue talking on the phone as we would usually do for the next hour or so. I had such a warm feeling after he said that though, I finally felt like someone actually cared about me and not trying to get me into bed I told him I appreciated what he said so much when I met him for a coffee today and he said "I just really like you, I don't know how else to act" and "I don't want to ruin this". Again, I felt so positive! He's told me he's not dating anyone else and he's told his friends about me/I'm meeting one of them on Sunday.

I was speaking to my friend about it tonight. She is my best friend, have been close since we were about 15 (so 15 years!). She has witnessed my piss-poor relationships and always encouraged me to strive for better! I told her about the hotel room comment and she basically said "that's so weird, you haven't had sex after 6 weeks? are you sure you're not just friends?" I was a bit stunned so didn't really say anything apart from something pathetic like we kiss/cuddle etc. and she laughed a bit. She also told me to "check for the red flags" - but to me, there isn't any. The only red flag I can see is that we possibly talk too much - by that, I mean if he rings me for a chat it can go on for an hour and a half. And we meet up every Saturday for the day and the evening. Is that too much time?

She then was speaking about a man she was seeing who hasn't contacted her in 12 days because he is at a music festival. She was really stressing about it, thinking of all these reasons as to why he hasn't text her. I just said, whatever reason there is, I think you deserve more. She said, "what like what you have?" and laughed.

Now, I am doubting myself. - is that a weird thing he said to me about the hotel room? I genuinely think it is a nice request, I've known men in the past to want sex on the first date! Is it weird not to have sex after 6 weeks of dating??

AIBU or mostly, am I being naive?

I reckon friend is a wee bit green eyed. The guy sounds really nice. Hope it works out.

Oh OP this made me feel all 🤗
He sounds like a keeper.

How horrible of her to be so nasty about your relationship when things are finally going well for you. I agree with PP. she’s jealous as you’ve found someone lovely and respectful whilst she’s picked someone who’s either a wrong’un or not that into her.

I wouldn’t discuss your relationship with her for a while OP - you really don’t want her taking the shine off this happy time for you or making you doubt it.

1. She's jealous and insecure so is trying to make you feel bad about your relationship with this man to make herself feel better about hers..
2. He sounds like a really lovely guy and has thought about your feelings and sounds like a gentle man!
3. Go at your own pace, it's no-one else's business what's too quick or too slow in a relationship. Everyone's different, everyone has their own pace! If you feel happy then don't worry about it. Just enjoy getting to know each other. Don't value your friends opinion when it's negative for absolutely no reason other than to bring you down!!

Gosh you don’t have to have sex within a certain time frame. I agree she sounds jealous.

your so called 'friend' is bitterly jealous .. you are no longer needy and vulnerable and have found a man that will love cherish and respect you, Whilst she still finds herself chasing the dream.

Your friend sounds jealous.

I had a few shit relationships. I started dating a nice, understanding bloke- his friends told him to dump me because after 2 months we hadn’t had sex- we’ve now been married 20 years. Those friends are all divorced ( due to cheating) the one remaining married one is currently cheating. I have nothing to do with any of them and DH only sees one of them once or twice a year as he feels he should.

I also don’t have sex with people quickly and six weeks would be far too soon for me, I don’t care if other people do, boyfriends record is within half an hour!

One of his friends made a similar comment, boyfriend swiftly told him where he could stick his unwanted comment. People who are having a crap time often enjoy making other people feel like crap.

He sounds lovely.

DH and I didn't have sex for about almost a year after meeting. We'd both had pretty bad past relationships and had been brought up in 'no sex before marriage' families which probably affected our view (not that we waited that long!)

A wedding and two kids later, I can say we're definitely not just friends!

Friend sounds jealous. She doesn't sound like a friend and saying its 'weird' that you've been seeing each other 6 weeks and havent had sex is really immature. You've had relationship problems in the past and naturally want to share this new experience with your friend of 15 years... but theres no need to share everything, especially if her attitude is quite negative. You don't need anyone to help you decide what this mans intentions are... you just need your own intuition.
While you are considering HIS intentions btw, have you also considered your 'friends' intentions? Because 15 years of knowing someone doesn't always mean loyalty and real friendship. We've all been there with fake friends. The realisation is horrible but when you cut out the fake ones, you make way for the right ones.

When are people gonna learn, don't tell your friends anything about your relationship! Especially when it's early days.

She liked it when her life was perfect while yours was under par. Now things are getting better for you, she wants to poke holes in it

I agree with that too. She is trying to rain in your parade because it is very obvious the guy at the festival doesn’t give a shit about her. 12 days, no call? Is he even at a festival? If so, surely, if he cared one iota he would have found at least 3 spare minutes to call her.

Your guy seems very respectful but he may be waiting for a signal from you that is ok to ask for more so if you want to progress things just be sure he is aware of this, you don’t want to realise on the day that you part that both of you have been waiting for the other to initiate sex.

She is very jealous OP!

He sounds lovely and your friend sounds immature. My DH and I didn't have sex for about 4 months when we got together. I don't judge anyone for doing it on the first date but I really like to get to know someone first. The fact that my DH waited and never pressurised me made me realise he was a keeper.

@lilyflowerbloom maybe he is just being respectful, and means what he says about really liking you
It is unusual to meet someone that’s like that but it doesn’t mean you are simply friends

My now husband was like that with me, I had come out of an abusive relationship and was perhaps a little bit skittish , so he old fashioned courted me for about 4 months we took things very slow , we had meals out great conversation and became great friends

We didn’t even kiss for the first 4 months, I found it odd but glad because I want ready anyway, it’s part of what made me fall
In love with him.
He even took me to see take that at the millennium dome and made sure we had our own beds so nothing happened.

We met in the September 2007

By June 2008 we were living together ( we sped up when we realised we didn’t like being apart one bit 😉

I was 24 when we met and he was 26 so it was nothing to do with age or desire for one another more creating a solid foundation and being sure about one another.

So glad I met him he is my best friend and so glad I got to know him before sex added another dynamic to our relationship, but I will be honest at the time we was courting I wasn’t sure how much he fancied me as the concept of a guy not trying to get into ones knickers was sadly baffling from past experience.

Enjoy this man and getting to know him without pressure and your friend just hasn’t met anyone like him so she doesn’t understand x x

The only red flag here is her poorly-disguised jealousy.

Congrats on finding a gentleman OP.

If you are both happy with it then that's surely all that matters.

To me it's quite a long time, but I think that it would be odd for either one to assume that a weekend away would automatically mean having sex, especially when it hasn't happened yet!

Carry on as you are, it's your life and your choices. Your so- called friend is 100% jealous.

Oh wow, I didn't expect so many supportive, lovely replies. Thanks everyone for sharing your experiences!

A lot of your stories sound exactly like mine. It sounds so stupid but I feel a bit like a teenager dating for the first time it's so nice for a man to take me out for dinner, go to a gallery and just talk - I got excited the last time I saw him before today because he put his hand over mine on the table at a restaurant and then held my hand as we walked to his car

I really, really like him. I think the big thing for me is that I don't feel the need to play games. I don't do the "waiting to reply" thing, I'm not playing hard to get - I'm just being me, and it feels so nice that he wants to spend time with me.

I've NEVER dated like this. I've always picked wrong'uns. This is the first ever guy I've dated (at 31!) who's paid for a date. Not that that's a given or should be done, but it just seems so alien to me.

I did say to him that I would really like to share a hotel room with him, so I'm looking forward to it!

I just feel so sad that all the little tiny things I'm excited about (like the handhold!) I feel like I can't say to her because she won't approve. It's weird because before this man, we were always talking about the men we were seeing. It seems so odd.

My other friend is coming on Sunday to meet him and his friend (we're going to a festival type thing). Said friend was invited but she said she didn't want to go because it was boring ...

Is she the one you ran to when things went tits up with previous relationships? Was she your shoulder to cry on? Did this make her feel needed?

If so, she's probably worried that you won't 'need' her as much any more, and she's pissy about it.

“Waiting 6-8 weeks before having sex used to be normal. You’d meet someone, date, spend hours chatting on the phone, get to know them, and then have sex. “

I was about to say similar. In the dim and distance past, having sex was something that occurred only after a while. It was a sign you were committed to them and trusted them, and the relationship was serious.

(I’m an old fogey)

Give her some space, she needs you down and as you are not, she will put you down to stay up.

She is not your friend really if she only likes you when she feels above you.

I don’t think she's really a friend by my standards. She sounds like a pain in the arse tbh.

It's fine, one of my friends waited about 8 months.

Stop telling her things! This attempt to rain on your parade is not the behaviour of a good friend. Shut her down about this, and if she asks, tell her exactly why.