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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To ask if you would give up your seat?

136 replies

eidajbaby · 15/08/2019 19:46

I was on the tube home and the train was busy but not overly packed. A man got onto the train with a pushchair. He asked the lady who was stood next to me if she could move so he could park his pushchair in the bay. She moved. He then walked over and asked if he could have my seat (which was next to the bay). I looked up and said “I’m sorry?” and he repeated his question. I was about taken aback because I didn’t see that he had any right to ask me to give up my seat, but then I thought I would feel a bit of a dick refusing! I’m genuinely interested in what others would do in this situation. I still don’t know whether I should have said no... I wouldn’t have expected anyone to give their seat up for me when I had my little one in a pushchair. CF? Thoughts?

OP posts:
EvilPostbox · 16/08/2019 08:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kewlwifee · 16/08/2019 08:45

I'd consider them less able to stand because they have a young baby who likely keeps them up all night.

AngeloMysterioso · 16/08/2019 08:49

Also what kind of disability means he can go out for the day with a pram therefore walking and getting on and off the bus but not “ stand” on the bus?

I have a spinal condition which makes standing still for more than a few minutes- especially on moving buses, trains etc- very painful. It doesn’t otherwise affect my mobility though so to other people I appear to be in the rudest health. I have been given some filthy looks and comments when I have (very politely) declined to give up my seat on the tube and said that I do actually need to sit down.

In this case though, I tend to agree with this-

I’d lean towards he’s a CF. Turfing 2 women out of their seats?! Just stand with the buggy until there’s space surely. No need to ask anyone! That comes across quite entitled, asking not only one person but two. Most parents with buggies wouldn’t do that, they would just get on with it

MNHQ
JoMumsnet · 16/08/2019 09:56

Thanks for the reports about this thread.

We've removed a number of posts that we felt broke our Talk Guidelines which, amongst other things, don't allow disablist posts.

Do take a look at our This Is My Child Campaign especially the Myths about Special needs and our page on invisible disabilities and consider the challenges many parents of children with disabilities, or who have disabilities themselves, face on a daily basis.

Mumsnet exists to make parent's lives easier and if there's one thing we could all do with, it's some understanding and moral support.

If you're concerned that a post is goady, offensive, disablist, or otherwise breaking our talk guidelines, please report and we'll look into it further.

Many thanks.

browzingss · 16/08/2019 10:32

I’d probably just let him have the seat - most people don’t actually bother asking for seats so if someone does ask, they may need it. He may have had other reasons that he may justify one (unwell, tired, blisters or whatever) , it’s not my place to ask really.

I am young and fit though, and if I’m being honest prefer to stand on the tube. I like my own space, tubes get hot (especially the bloody central line), I’m never on for a super long time etc.

BossAssBitch · 16/08/2019 10:43

He should have told you why he needed your seat more than you. If he had a hidden disability then fine, but if he said because he has a kid in a pushchair, then he can F off !

pnppr · 16/08/2019 10:48

RE invisible disabilities: there's a badge for this so I absolutely do not think you should ever have to assume someone has one. If they're wearing a badge, fair enough. You shouldn't give up your seat and I'd have said no.

pnppr · 16/08/2019 10:54

Also, as someone who gets the jubilee line every day, the leaning area where he would have put the pram is not comfortable to then sit in the seat next to it. It's easier to stand and I watch parents do this literally every single day.

He just wanted a seat. He likely had no disability by OP's post, and she didn't need to move.

joyfullittlehippo · 16/08/2019 10:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PurpleTigerLove · 16/08/2019 11:12

My intentions have been taken out of context . I was genuinely asking which conditions would prevent the man from standing . Thank you to those who replied with an explanation of possible conditions . Educating us “ dicks” is a much better way to get your point across than name calling .

LatteLove · 16/08/2019 11:16

I'd consider them less able to stand because they have a young baby who likely keeps them up all night.

Really?!

Scorpiovenus · 16/08/2019 11:17

Nope.

id move if they were elderly. I got a lot of time for the elderly or infirm

MRex · 16/08/2019 11:49

I'm a bit shocked by how many people want to challenge someone asking for a seat, those are the cheeky fuckers rather than the man asking. You know nothing about how he was feeling nor his motives if the child was fussy and I strongly suspect some of you wouldn't question a woman the same way. It makes me feel nice to do a good deed and give my seat when it's wanted, so I always have except when I was pregnant (actually a couple of times pregnant too, for a very frail woman and for a broken leg man who obviously needed the pole). I thought it was just an irritating minority who had useful headphones, but it looks like there are far more people than I realised who refuse to give up seats. I also ask for a seat when DS is in a sling because i think it's dangerous to stand and I'd be quite shocked to be challenged and have to explain why I'm asking.

SummerInTheVillage · 16/08/2019 11:52

I wouldn't challenge him I'd just say no because I needed it myself.

joyfullittlehippo · 16/08/2019 11:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kewlwifee · 16/08/2019 13:31

@LatteLove

Yes! It's exhausting! That's why I would have offered my seat and not eve considered that he might ALSO be disabled.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 16/08/2019 13:44

I asked someone to move recently on a train. I hadn't been well and started feeling a bit woozy, everything started swimming, and I could feel myself starting to faint. I didn't have enough time to explain I just said to a guy standing next to me blocking the flip down seats, please can I sit there. He was lovely and moved and I immediately put my head between my legs and it stopped me from fainting. I'm sure if you didn't know me I would have appeared to look normal and capable of standing but I'd have been out cold if he hadn't moved

Hopefullyendsmeet · 16/08/2019 14:03

If you need to ask for a seat it’s far wiser to make a general request to the carriage as a whole.

Agree 100%.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 16/08/2019 15:38

This type of uncertainty is one of the reasons i am so, so glad i don't ever have to use public transport.

Too disabled to travel unless it's in a car with a direct journey and to somewhere very local, so always have to go out with my dad, who drives.

Given my personality if i did for whatever reason HAVE to use public transport, (say car broke down while we were out) I would have to sit, standing is just not a possibility given the nature of my hidden disability, plus i get instant migraines on busses due to the vibrations of them.
Yet, if i were directly asked to give up my seat, i'd feel like i HAD to, regardless if it were to an ederly, disabled, or pregnant genuinely in need person, or an able bodied person who just felt entitled.

LatteLove · 16/08/2019 15:47

Yes! It's exhausting! That's why I would have offered my seat and not eve considered that he might ALSO be disabled

You are nicer than me, I wouldn’t even consider that someone who may have been up at night with a baby couldn’t stand on a bus. I’ve had 2 of my own so I know it’s tiring but it’s just tiredness, not incapacity.

LatteLove · 16/08/2019 15:50

Yet, if i were directly asked to give up my seat, i'd feel like i HAD to

You really don’t though, and plenty of people don’t, judging by the number of people I’ve seen over the years steadfastly ignore pregnant/elderly/blind people and leaving them to stand. That’s not acceptable morally of course (assuming again no hidden disabilities) but no harm will come from not giving up a seat to someone who asks.

Like you I rarely use PT these days, I can’t stand it for numerous reasons. Largely related to my own impatience and intolerance of people and liking for my own space ;)

Mumminmum · 16/08/2019 16:08

I had to use crutches for a couple of weeks when I was in my twenties. Several old ladies got very grumpy when I wouldn't give up my seat for them. I totally get that it is easier to ask a friendly-looking young woman to give up her seat that to ask the grumpy middleaged man or the teenage boys to give up their seats, but it seemed very entitled to me to get grumpy even after I told them about and showed them the crutches.

mrsjoyfulprizeforraffiawork · 16/08/2019 16:22

I don't know about people travelling on the tube with children being very tired but I can assure you that we commuters are EXHAUSTED and many of us fall asleep (sometimes standing up) on the way home in the evenings. I would not have given him my seat (he probably wouldn't have asked me as I am old) unless he had explained he had a problem with standing - in my experience, otherwise able-bodied-looking people do say "I can't stand for long, can I have a seat?" in those circumstances. They aren't required to explain their exact medical condition of course. If he didn't even say that, he was trying it on, I would think. On the whole, I find my fellow tube commuters very kind (something possibly to do with being a 60-something commuter) and I nearly always get offered a seat on the tube. I was offered one last week but before I could take it a young mother beckoned her lively 5 or 6-year-old over from where he'd been happily holding onto a bar up until then, to sit it in before I got to it. He then wriggled about with huge energy, chatting to his mother while I had to strap hang for another 3 stations before another seat came up. I wasn't very impressed as I really did need to sit down that day.

DontBeOffensive · 16/08/2019 17:37

Thank you so much for explaining to me more about invisible disabilities. As I said in my previous post I would have just moved anyway happily because I'm able bodied and wouldn't ever want to second guess anyone. Fair play to anyone with invisible disabilities that travels the tube every day it sounds exhausting anyway let alone with the struggle of apparently having to beg people for a seat sometimes and go through your medical history with people just to get one! But I guess the CFs have ruined it for those genuinely in need as always. I see mumsnet have linked to a page about invisible disabilities so I am going to educate myself further as I had no idea what that could be before. But now I understand even someone going through chemo etc they may not look seriously unwell so we should all be a bit more tolerant.

feelingverylazytoday · 16/08/2019 18:10

No I wouldn't, unless he explained why he wanted it. Having a baby in a buggy doesn't make you a special case.