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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if you would give up your seat?

136 replies

eidajbaby · 15/08/2019 19:46

I was on the tube home and the train was busy but not overly packed. A man got onto the train with a pushchair. He asked the lady who was stood next to me if she could move so he could park his pushchair in the bay. She moved. He then walked over and asked if he could have my seat (which was next to the bay). I looked up and said “I’m sorry?” and he repeated his question. I was about taken aback because I didn’t see that he had any right to ask me to give up my seat, but then I thought I would feel a bit of a dick refusing! I’m genuinely interested in what others would do in this situation. I still don’t know whether I should have said no... I wouldn’t have expected anyone to give their seat up for me when I had my little one in a pushchair. CF? Thoughts?

OP posts:

BrightYellowDaffodil · 15/08/2019 22:48

Why are people so territorial about seats when they are perfectly capable of standing?

I could stand, I just don’t want to. You have absolutely no idea how much I’ve walked or stood all day (or indeed whatever else I’ve done to avoid the scourge of diabetes - thanks for the concern eyeroll ) and if I find a seat I get to sit in it. I’ll absolutely move for someone who genuinely needs a seat but other than that it’s first come first served. It’s not “territorial” it’s just called “finding a seat and sitting in it”.

LatteLove · 15/08/2019 22:49

If you are perfectly able to stand (as in, wouldn't have asked for a seat yourself if there had been nothing available when you got on or wouldn't have suffered from standing) surely you wouldn't expect him to announce it?

No one expects him to “announce” anything but if you’re trying to turf someone out of a seat so you can have it a “I’m feeling sick” or similar mightn’t go amiss.

The person your friend encountered was also a CF. It’s pretty ignorant for a healthy/younger person not to stand for a pregnant woman, regardless of whether the pregnant woman is disabled.

Original poster

eidajbaby · 15/08/2019 22:59

It was indeed the jubilee line. There is absolutely nothing wrong with me so I am capable of standing. However I often am wrecked and like a snooze on my long commute home I was asked politely so absolutely no issue there. Assuming of course that this person had no disability it is more that they thought it fine to ask for a seat because they had parked their pushchair next to it. And I think this because of the way he asked another lady to move out of her leaning seat space so he could park his pushchair there. I certainly wouldn’t expect to be given a seat. No-one has the right to a seat ultimately - we all pay the same fare, some of us have longer journeys than others and there are some who will need a seat but won’t get one due to different circumstances. I was interested in honest opinions of how you would react, put on the spot like that. Definitely a divider of opinions - and lovely to see how thoughtful so many of you are on public transport. I was a bit miffed but ultimately no harm done. Glad that some agree with me that he was a cheeky so and so though ha!

OP posts:

Original poster

eidajbaby · 15/08/2019 23:01

And totally agree with what bright yellow daffodil said

OP posts:

Gogreen · 15/08/2019 23:04

You didn’t have to move, but it was a nice thing to do, don’t feel like a pushover or have bad feelings about it, you did something that was nice!

Dieu · 15/08/2019 23:06

I am usually quick to offer my seat, but in that situation, no.

KatherineJaneway · 15/08/2019 23:10

I would have told him no. He could stand.

MyNameIsAlexDrake · 15/08/2019 23:11

This thread has reminded me of something I witnessed on a bus a few years back.

A little old lady got on and this young school boy (7ish) who was sat in a single seat behind the driver got up and offered the seat to the lady.

The lady gushed to him what a kind young man he was.

The boy replied "that's okay you look really old and might die soon"

The whole bus was in fits of laughter (including the old lady).

DontBeOffensive · 15/08/2019 23:22

Picking up on a previous post but yes what kind of disabilities are 1) invisible and 2) mean you could walk around pushing a pram 3) get up and down tube line steps (appreciate some are step free etc) and on and off trains but cant stand for a few stops on a tube? Genuine question
The other poster said "educate yourself" so please enlighten me because I would not have a clue what illnesses/diseases/hidden disabilities would fit into this category?
*disclaimer - this is a genuine question, I am surrounded by only able bodied people so I genuinely want to educate myself! And an anonymous forum seems the best place for these kind of awkward questions.

OP as I'm able bodied - even if I suspected cheeky fuckery I still would have said yes and moved to stand knowing as PP said I could easily grab a seat at the next stop.

Shakennotshook · 15/08/2019 23:34

Also what kind of disability means he can go out for the day with a pram therefore walking and getting on and off the bus but not “ stand” on the bus?

You dont know how long hes been out for a start, so it may not be "for the day". There have been examples already, someone with balance issues could struggle to stand and maintain balance, someone in pain who has to get from a to b but needs to sit down when possible, someone who has arthritis in their hands and cant grip well, someone with poor mobility.

Its lovely to see people are bored of invisible disabilities. I'm a bit bored of being in chronic pain, my hearing impairment and ongoing tiredness. I'd love to just opt out because I'm bored, but sadly life - and cancer - dont let you opt out. don't be a dick .

Thequaffle · 15/08/2019 23:42

If the person is asking it’s possible they have a hidden disability. If you know you do not have a hidden disability then just move, and yes, that might also mean you stand.
To everyone giving the “but I might have a hidden disability” argument, unless you actually do, YABU.

firawla · 15/08/2019 23:44

I’d lean towards he’s a CF. Turfing 2 women out of their seats?! Just stand with the buggy until there’s space surely. No need to ask anyone! That comes across quite entitled, asking not only one person but two. Most parents with buggies wouldn’t do that, they would just get on with it

joyfullittlehippo · 15/08/2019 23:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ispepsiokay · 16/08/2019 00:00

I rarely left the house without my husband for 6 months as I look perfectly healthy, but I have several invisible disabilities. New medication meant I had to stop driving for 6 months and the new meds meant I was often dizzy/disorientated and wouldn't have been able to manage public transport without a seat.

It was easier to stay at home than to battle through.

50shadesofblackclothing · 16/08/2019 00:08

Bright as I said in my post- if the OP had any issue meaning standing would be a problem she had every right to say no. Which applies to anyone, dad with pram, pregnant woman, someone on crutches with clearly 2 broken legs- if you are sitting and need to sit you can say no and expect someone else to give up their seat. There's no limit to how many disabled people for whatever reason are allowed on one train after all.

Hopefullyendsmeet · 16/08/2019 00:25

I really don’t understand why, if he did have an invisible disability, he wouldn’t have said so in the first place. It’s the reasonable thing to do.

I have an invisible disability which makes me vulnerable to certain situations where I’d need priority access. When you genuinely have a need for something, it becomes second nature to communicate it without embarrassment. That’s why I think this man is most likely a CF.

Lillyhatesjaz · 16/08/2019 00:26

I am suffering a bout of vertigo at the moment. I would be fine to walk around with a buggy but I would not have the balance to stand on a train.
I would have struggled to stand when I was having chemo too due to exaustion

OctoberLovers · 16/08/2019 00:29

No. He should stand so he can hold onto his buggy, for the childs safety....

joyfullittlehippo · 16/08/2019 00:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hopefullyendsmeet · 16/08/2019 01:00

@joyfullittlehippo

Plus it’s just exhausting constantly having to justify yourself to strangers. Disabled people shouldn’t have to give up their privacy to get their legal rights and basic needs met.

As a fellow disabled person, I respectfully disagree with you. It’s not so much about justifying yourself as it is reasonable to be upfront about why you need xyz over anyone else especially if it’s not immediately obvious. It’s not ideal but that is real life as you will know better than many.

That said I absolutely relate to it being soul destroying at times, especially when you’re up against some utter arseholes.

Kewlwifee · 16/08/2019 08:09

I think those seats are priority seats now so yes, I'd have moved.

Widgetsframe · 16/08/2019 08:11

Maybe he was planning to take child out of pushchair onto his knee?

ChardonnaysPrettySister · 16/08/2019 08:15

No.

Child is sitting in the buggy, he can stand next to it.

GoAwayRain · 16/08/2019 08:22

No. I've paid for a ( none priority ) seat, therefore I'm sitting in it.

TinyGhostWriter · 16/08/2019 08:27

If I was sitting next to a pram bay, as a courtesy I’d generally move so that a parent can sit down beside pram.

I’d there wasn’t another seat though, I’m not sure...

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