To be scared to death that my OH is seriously ill?

[maz2003]

My OH developed what looked like an eye infection the week before our twins birthday in March. He refused to do anything about it that week but halfway through their party decided to seek advice from the pharmacy (leaving me to deal with the party.)
That was 22 weeks ago.
His whole right face is swollen as is his nose. The swollen area is very red sometimes verging in purple. He has seen his GP ( not the same surgery as me) and she has been consistently hopeless. He has had no blood or labs done. He is a smoker ( smoked 30 a day for 45 years... he is 58). He told her he quit 6 years ago but he didn't.
He has been seen by ophthalmology who say it's not an eye issue. They refused to say what they thought it was. They suggested dermatology. It's taken 8 weeks to get a dermatology appointment.
I am very concerned that this is very serious, however he is old school and thinks the GP always knows best.
I recently betrayed his trust by showing pics of his symptoms to a friend's husband who is a well regarded ENT specialist and he tried to help by suggesting how he could be seen at ENT quickly but my oh is insisting the GP knows best.
AIBU to try and speak to his GP? Is this just unethical. We have 3 young kids and he is a stay at home dad (retired). The children wouldn't do well without him.
I am very scared.

How are you doing OP?

Admittedly not that much further forward other than an agreement to request the bloods from the gp at an unspecified date, "soon". He will also take guidelines to the GP to rule DM in or out and get a referral letter to a private rheumatologist.
I told him I had read somewhere between 250-300 clinical papers over the summer about his symptoms ( not just DM) and he was shocked. He said he now realises how worried I have been. Just not quite worried enough however to make an actual appointment.... who knows, there are times when I think he is committed to being robustly examined and then there are times when it's as if he doesn't care.

Thanks for the update. Have you set out to him clearly how this has affected you? You said there were some communication issues so I’m just wondering if you’ve felt able to talk to him really directly about how this affecting your life? Do you think he would agree to a “plan” e.g. agree to make a GP appointment before the weekend. Then he has a bit of space to do it when he wants but he has a deadline. Personally I would be adding threats to that deadline i.e. if you don’t make an appointment by then I will know that you don’t care about me or my health and I will have to reconsider our future together. However, I know you are likely to be reluctant to do that from what you’ve said.

I really feel for you and hope that you are holding up ok and have friends IRL you can talk to

@KingaRoo - he isn't one for ultimatums. I think if I am honest he thinks I am being overly neurotic with this ( maybe I am? In fact I am a without doubt a nag.)
He has said he knows how worried this has made me, but has made no firm commitment to set out a timetable for resolution.
The whole episode has shown up several aspects of the relationship that less than great, which I will address in due course. I want to see what kind of treatment is required and get through that first.

I don’t think you’re being neurotic or a nag at all. I’m sorry he’s made you feel that you are by his behaviour, but I really don’t think that’s true.

I really hope he manages to move forward with this and address it properly. In the meantime you have done all you can and now need to concentrate on being kind to yourself

@KingaRoo thank you. Fingers crossed.

I have just read your whole thread and really hope that your h has seen a specialist or had the blood tests by now and you have some idea of what you are facing treatment-wise.

No movement really. He had agreed that he was going to go, and then decided it would be in "his own time". He asked me not to raise it again.
So there we are. It's hell.
My father has been very unwell and I have been focusing on that.
My mother wants me to leave OH for the complete disregard he has for me. I guess my answer to that is "in my own time." I think I would have to concede I am finding life pretty depressing right now.

I’ve thought of you often maz, I’m sorry things are so tough for you

Gosh I have been following your thread OP and was so hopeful after you'd bumped into the friend with him. This feels difficult because he's putting you through hell. Life isn't enjoyable when your partner treats you and themselves like this.

I'm wondering if he's stopped taking the statins if he thinks they're linked? Could that be why he's in no rush to get to the dr now? Thinks he can manage himself?

I'm glad your energies are going towards your father. I hope at least he appreciates them!

I'm not sure you need to wait to see that DH's treatment will be before you address the issues with him, that's again waiting on his decision. What about doing it when you feel ready, regardless of what he's (not) doing?

I’ve just read your whole thread @maz2003. It must be awful to feel so helpless. And awful that your dp isn’t taking your concerns seriously.

@kristallen we discussed the statin link but he dismissed this as I think he feels he doesn't have DM so is still taking them ( and a relatively high dose.)
I am also in a support group for DM and someone linked DM to the parvovirus ( adult version of slap cheek which he caught from one of our children.) We discussed this link and he dismissed.
I know in his heart he knows he has DM but I think the malignancy link terrifies him into paralysis.

@kristallen it's funny my father treats my mother the same way yet he is sweetness and light to me. History repeating itself???

OP. you are not married, are you legally protected? Wills, etc.? Do you jointly own your home?

By the way not just thinking of the worst case scenario here OP, more if you did decide that you could no longer live with such a massively selfish, arrogant man. I can't imagine he is the slightest bit a good role model for your children, and your posts here indicate a really unhealthy dynamic with him being the older popmpous arse that nobody dare question and you the young slip of a thing. Not good for your children to watch and learn from at all.

I have read through this and understand your frustration. He is behaving like a selfish arsehole. Unfortunately his lack of engagement with the medical profession is nothing to do with "his generation", but sheer pig headedness. I am 60, and would not behave like him.

He is clearly an inteligent man, but in denial about his health issues. I have no idea how you go forward with this because he is not listening to you.

@Ginfordinner I regret saying it was a generational issue. You are absolutely correct. It's an arseholiness issue.

Please don't worry about that. I know you are under a lot of stress.

Have you actually told him that he is behaving like a selfish arsehole?
Do you think the doctor will tell him that he must implement some lifestyle changes that he doesn't want to do?

@Ginfordinner I think it's the fear of dying. He made a number of major lifestyle changes when he was diagnosed with diabetes.

Thinking logically, the actuality of dying is increased by not taking any action.

@Ginfordinner of course it is. The absurdity takes my breath away. I said this when I told him I was really scared. And scared but just for him but that of the children.

Any news on when he is going to go to the GP?

@HMArsey no, no update at all....

Are you still feeling fraught about it, or are you withdrawing from the situation?