To ask: why wouldn’t you take your husband’s surname?

[Josephinaphia]

Not looking for a row here - just genuinely interested in people’s reasoning behind not changing their surname upon marriage.
I am married and although I have a very unique maiden name which I love, I took my husband’s surname when we married. It was strange at first and a little sad, but now it is my name and part of my identity, as my original name was. We have 2 DDs who both have the surname too.
My questions are:
If you kept your name, what were your reasons? (e.g. you’d already made a name for yourself in your profession)
If it is a feminist issue of ‘ownership’ as some people seem to suggest, why is it any better to be ‘owned’ by your dad, to be known by your dad’s surname?
Is it not complicated having a different surname to your children, does it not get annoying when people assume you are Mrs DH’s surname anyway?
Do your children question why you have a different name?
With the whole double-barelling thing, again is this a feminist issue? To both be equal? But then what is the long-term plan? When your DC get married will they add their surname to their spouse’s surname and potentially have a quadruple-barrel name? And what of the generation after that?
I have a really lovely dad who treats my mum incredibly well and my husband is the same to me, so I’ve never really had a complex about men being superior or me being inferior and just never really saw the issue with having a shared marital, family name - but it seems so common now for women to want to keep their maiden name (their dad’s name) in some capacity and I guess I’m just curious as to why. As far as I can see, taking your husband’s name is the sensible way to do it if you’re going to have family. Double-barrelling in particular is surely just causing problems for your children further down the line?

I wanted to take my DH’s name when that time came. It felt right to me in the context of our relationship. I am totally aware that it’s not “feminist”, but I couldn’t care less because I wanted to do it regardless. So shoot me.

So why have you spent so much of this thread trying to intellectually justify your personal, emotional decision (which is absolutely yours to make) because 'all names are patriarchal anyway', then?!

I like my surname.

If I get married I will double barrel my surname IF I like the husband to be's surname.

My great grandad had his middle name as his mother's maiden name & his surname was his father's surname. I like that idea (it has also made tracing the family tree a lot easier as they are unusual Jewish names).

Because I gave up e-bloody-nough for my DH and I wasnt about to give up my (British) identity.

Other people’s names don’t bother me. I’ve made no comment about anyone else’s decisions in any shape or form.

I’m just saying that it can be hypocritical to berate women for “colluding with the patriarchy” when they take their DHs names, if you can’t even recognise that the system by which you have the name you call your own is through the same patriarchal tradition. It’s a bit like the pot calling the kettle black on these threads. That’s all.

I’m not interested in arguing which is “more” or “less” patriarchal really because to me it’s much of a muchness and ultimately, it’s down to the individual as to how they relate or feel about it. The way I felt about “MY” name was very different to how most posters in here relate to birth names, for instance.

I’ve never really had a complex about men being superior or me being inferior

I have not read your thread, soz.

Buuuut...you know this isn’t why feminism is a thing right? Us feminists haven’t all “got a complex”. You do know that, yes?

Because I didn’t want to be known as Mrs Muff

I haven't read all the responses, but these are mine:
I couldn't be bothered with the paperwork of changing it. My surname is my name, which I've had since birth, it might have come from my dad, but it's been mine all my life.
I don't have to deal with my children having a different surname as they have mine. This was a democratic decision based on liking mine better and me having more attachment to it.

I kept my own name because it is mine. Why on earth would you change yours.

I kept my own name as I think the tradition of taking your husband’s name is one I had no interest in following.

I’m just saying that it can be hypocritical to berate women for “colluding with the patriarchy” when they take their DHs names, if you can’t even recognise that the system by which you have the name you call your own is through the same patriarchal tradition.

Every SINGLE person recognises this. Not one person denies it. Why do you keep on insisting that people don't see it...?

I’m not interested in arguing which is “more” or “less” patriarchal really because to me it’s much of a muchness

Do what you want, but of course it's not 'much of a muchness'.

Not taking your DH's surname is less patriarchal than taking it. There is no arguing this point.

Again - do what you want, just don't deny that the choices aren't equal.

why is it any better to be ‘owned’ by your dad, to be known by your dad’s surname?

Well, why the fuck would I want my FIL's surname?!

Because I didn't want to he took my name instead

@littlewriggler

He is often called Mr MyMaidenName at my work functions, because my work is under my maiden name (for example, judges tend to use their maiden names in court if they started practicing law using that name). He gets a real kick out of it, likely because he knows it makes me cringe haha!
Incidentally, he changed his name by deedpoll when we married, to add my maiden name to his middle names. He felt it right that he “took” my name too.

I don’t feel me using his name as Mrs Ben Smith erases my identity... it adds to it. My identity is as his wife. That’s who I am! And I love it.

I just asked him if his greatest pride was being my husband, seen as you asked. To my relief, he said yes! (Thank god!) Along with saving a little boy’s life once. Glad I rank somewhere up there!

Haven't RTFT (and won't), but here are my reasons:

• Why would you? It costs money, is only expected of women and takes ages to get used to.
• Feminism and the patriarchy - the small things do matter.
• I didn't grow up in the UK and value my roots, which are very obvious from my surname
• I don't like doing things unquestioningly, just because it's the done thing/ tradition
• I don't like the fact that it's (almost) always the woman who changes her name
• My mother kept her name
• Of course it's technically my dad's name, but why would that mean I should just swap it for my husband's name?
• Practical reasons: I have dual nationality and my other nationality does not let you change your name, merely add it on. I just could not be doing with two passports with different names

It would actually have been easier to take DH's name in terms of spelling etc. DS has DH's name. We had to choose (really couldn't inflict double-barrelled on him) and I suppose I did feel societal pressure. I don't mind that I am forever having to spell my name out, but I felt it would be a bit mean to inflict that on him, when he will grow up in the UK. I can handle having a different surname, although it irks me that people assume we're not married (though I suppose the fact that unmarried parenthood is more common has probably made it easier for me to deal with having a different name from DS in day-to-day life).

I have a family friend who'd be over 100 if still alive.

She had a daughter, unwed, in the 1940s. She ended up leaving the father, and her daughter was given her surname.

That daughter is now in her 70s. She had a daughter, and her mothers name was again passed on.

That daughter has a son, and again, the mother's name has been passed down.

It just takes one person to make the change, and the patriarchal tradition is broken.

In light of this ^^ arguing that taking your husband's name is the same as keeping your fathers, is just nonsensical.

A surname very quickly becomes 'the mother's', and the patriarchal tradition is broken.

We kept our names, to me it’s a bizarre, outdated thing to do. If it was a 50/50’thing when both men and women took the others name maybe that would be less odd.

When the millennial girls at work who have married change their surname tot their husbands I have to admit I think a little bit less of them...

I kept my own name when I got married. For many reasons
A) I like my name, it's a huge part of my identity, my work, etc.
B) I do not want to do extra paperwork that DH didn't need to do as well. If we'd both double barreled that would have been one thing, but me doing more work just because I'm the woman, not for me!
C) I have 2 children. Dc1 has my surname, why would I leave her as the only person in our nuclear family with that name, for no reason people could explain clearly. (Dd2 has dh's surname, in the interest of fairness, so we've got one each)
D) nobody can give me a good reason why I should change my name. I'm all for keeping the status quo unless there's a good reason for change (and tradition is not a good enough reason for me).

DH wasn't bothered about whether I changed it or not. His parents never really made me feel welcome or like a member of their family either so it didn't feel right using their name. Plus I prefer my maiden name anyway!

I used my married name for hospital notes/records when having DC so as we'd all have the same surname and IL's actually commented how strange it looked seeing me use their name so I said F that, I'll stick to my own name then!

“Not taking your DH's surname is less patriarchal than taking it. There is no arguing this point.”

That depends on how you personally identify with your father and how oppressed / uncomfortable you feel about that particular patriarchal name association when weighed against other available options (if indeed you did have your father’s name).

Not every woman marries a man! Some marry other women!

It’s not my dad’s name, it’s my name.

DH has an unusual surname that he constantly has to spell with an common first name. I have an unusual first name that I constantly have to spell with a common surname. I don’t want to be spelling out my full name all the time.

Have no kids so not an issue, but pretty sure they’d know who I was regardless of surname.

I’m lazy and can’t be arsed with the paperwork to change everything.

DH already has a historic double barrelled surname so we can’t triple barrel. And I honestly think double barrelling names is selfish for future generations.

@Rethymnon that change will never come if people have your attitude. How can you not understand that?

I kept my name because my maiden name is excellent! Although I do use my married name for Mumsnet-he's honoured

Because it’s my identity which I didn’t decide to give away for a man..

I love my husband but there’s a limit to how much he can expect. We are equals