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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel sad about DS’s A levels

81 replies

Plainandsimple · 15/08/2019 11:11

My DS is 18. He should be collecting his A level results today, but he had to drop out of his course earlier this year due to mental health issues. He’s on the road to recovery and has got a place to restart them in September, which is great, but I just feel so sad today. Basically his life just stopped and all his plans and dreams withered away. I’m cheerfully checking in with friends whose DCs are picking up their results, sending congrats over uni places etc, whilst my boy sleeps on in bed - he doesn’t realise it’s results day and I’m not going to point it out. Sorry this is really long, but I’m just so sad for him!

OP posts:

whothedaddy · 15/08/2019 11:16

I can get why you are sad but please don't let him know that you are.

It isn't the be all and end all. He has an amazing opertunity to resit them from next month. He can still go to uni in a years time.
His health is important, it might have delayed him by a year but in the grand scheme that's nothing.

ThePhoenixRises · 15/08/2019 11:17

Basically his life just stopped and all his plans and dreams withered away

No, he just hit the pause button for a while to recover.

IAskTooManyQuestions · 15/08/2019 11:18

Im with you on this, we had a hell of a year one way and another and DS A levels werent what they might have been. He'ds shelved the idea of uni completely, we had a chat in the car this morning, how I was worried he'd see his friends moving on and he'd be left behind, he'd be seeing uni fun on SM ... but a lot of them have deferred a year, some have had to go back to Y14 and do resits, your DS won't be the only one. On wards and upwards for September and a new start.

But - I didnt know therre were such things as foundation courses, which are always an option with slightly lesser results.

I think there is always a route if you look for it

RatherBeRiding · 15/08/2019 11:21

Please don't be sad for him - be thrilled that he's recovering well and look forward to him restarting again next month. It's great that he's now well enough to be back on track with his studies.

So what if he's a couple of years behind his peers - so many students take a few years out before completing their education, it's really no big deal.

I get why you feel the way you do, but please don't feel that he's missing out in any way by having to take some time out.

Mrsjayy · 15/08/2019 11:23

I get your sad all your friends kids are moving on and your son isn't but he took a much needed break nothing withered his health was poor but he is onthe mend . Does he even want to go to university ?

MrTumbleTumble · 15/08/2019 11:26

My sister was a year behind her peers doing A Levels because of poor health.

She's now about to finish Uni, doing a notoriously difficult (and well regarded) degree. She's happy and healthy and we're all very proud of her.

As people have said, it's not a failure or a negative, just a year to get better and reset. An extra year of maturity going to uni is never a bad thing, either.

Mrsjayy · 15/08/2019 11:28

Good god . You're

Original poster

Plainandsimple · 15/08/2019 11:29

Thankyou all, I know it’s only a blip in the great scheme of life and he can still get where he wants to be eventually, it’s just tough today! He has ASD so the initial transition from school to college, learning to cope with public transport, communicating with his tutors etc was all so tough and such a struggle for him but he coped so well (I am immensely proud of him, in case you couldn’t tell ) and it just feels such a shame that he got through that only to hit another stumbling block. He can’t resit - he didn’t finish the courses and needs three A’s for his preferred uni course, so is starting again.

OP posts:

Original poster

Plainandsimple · 15/08/2019 11:30

Sorry Mrsjayy, don’t know what means - am I blushing??

OP posts:

billybagpuss · 15/08/2019 11:32

I speak from experience, I can guarantee he does realise and you may be in for a difficult couple of weeks (hoping not obviously). Sending you plenty of cyber hugs, stay strong and things will get better. I agree not to mention anything today, but it might be worth trying some distraction things, fish chips and a DVD as a family tonight maybe (don't go out loads of people celebrating)

Changing courses was the best thing to happen for both of my DD's, one has now graduated uni and the other is in her first year and doing amazingly. They both found it very difficult between results and all their friends leaving for uni, but the whole experience did mean they 'found' themselves. The recovery also seemed to be easier after the school period of their life was over.

There is so much pressure over these 2 years and if you listen to the schools if you screw it up thats it, but its really not, it can be the making of them my UADS (unofficially adopted DS) took 2 years before starting uni after his A levels and he's still almost the youngest on his course.

Sending you all the best and especially all the best for the recovery

Original poster

Plainandsimple · 15/08/2019 11:33

Yes, he desperately wants to go to uni - he found the course he wants to do when he was in Yr 10 and has been working towards it ever since.

OP posts:

HorseGallopingOnATomato · 15/08/2019 11:34

@Plainandsimple regarding mrsjayy, she’s correcting a previous your/you’re error (from her post just above) and so she’s blushing!

Mrsjayy · 15/08/2019 11:35

Ah that must have been hard for him ordinary things other kidscan negociate is stressful, hopefully new term new start.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 15/08/2019 11:35

... Whisper.... I a few years time when he's half way through his degree... No one will notice /care...
He'll have the knowledge and resilience to know he's come throgubt a really tough couple of years!

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 15/08/2019 11:36

and gin for you!

HorseGallopingOnATomato · 15/08/2019 11:36

Just wanted to send support. A levels and the transition to uni are tough for almost everyone, and it’s such a positive thing that he’s recovering. Agree with PP that a year in the scheme of things won’t matter- I know lots of people that took a year out for all kinds of reasons and it didn’t make a difference once they got to uni.

SinkGirl · 15/08/2019 11:41

Honestly OP it’s all about perspective. We don’t have to achieve to everyone else’s timetable.

My twins are both autistic but theyre almost 3. Totally non verbal, struggling with all aspects of development. I don’t dare dream of a future where they’re able to take a-levels, do a degree.

It’s hard when our children struggle but it sounds like he has lots of options and a bright future - it’s okay to be sad but his future hasn’t gone away!

verticality · 15/08/2019 11:42

I am an academic, and I would beg you please please PLEASE not to let your DS see any of the way that you feel.

Life, and especially A-levels, is not a race. A number of young adults, every year, find that they are unable to take the exams when they thought they would. Bereavement, health issues, personal issues, family issues - so many things can get in the way. The delay really DOESN'T MATTER. In many cases, there is a silver lining to the pain - the delaying experience, which is often a difficult one, brings with it a certain growth and maturity which we all have to gain as we get that bit older. What matters is that the young person gets a chance to regroup, rebuild their confidence, and forge ahead.

A delay of a year in going to university is nothing - really nothing - in the grand scheme of things. It's important your DS doesn't feel that he's odd or weird for what has happened to him, and that it doesn't affect his academic confidence. Just because his friends are going doesn't mean that he won't, in just a few months' time. He's not 'left behind', his hopes and dreams are not 'withered', he's just temporarily delayed by what is a truly negligible amount of time in the grand scheme of things. It's important that he learns that his mental health needn't stop him achieving the things he wants to in life, though it might occasionally mean that his path is a slightly different one.

I think you should take him out for dinner today and celebrate his recovery, and tell him how proud you are of how he's managed.

TatianaLarina · 15/08/2019 11:43

I don’t think it really makes any odds. A friend of mine went off to a US uni came back, did another year of A levels and went to Cambridge instead 2 years behind.

I think your son is doing amazingly well to keep going considering his issues. I wouldn’t give it a moment’s thought personally. Just focus on the future.

ScarletAnemone · 15/08/2019 11:44

Yeah, it’s hard isn’t it? Both for you and for him.

There will be better days. Hopefully many many better days. You’ve just got to ride this one out.

Shimy · 15/08/2019 11:44

Hi OP, think of it as a blip, not the end..

Hithere12 · 15/08/2019 11:45

As someone who works in recruitment unless he’d be doing a degree in something like IT or technology a degree is basically worthless at this point. I have daily conversations with history/psychology graduates who are flummoxed the best I can get them is a minimum wage admin or call centre job. So I wouldn’t worry too much.

He honestly would be better off and earn more money if he did an ACCT course or an IT btech. I would never advise someone to do an arts degree.

MrTumbleTumble · 15/08/2019 11:47

Great post from @verticality. I love the idea of taking him out to celebrate his recovery and letting you know how proud you are of him.

behindlocknumbernine · 15/08/2019 11:48

Ds came out of college with very poor A level results (combination of wrong subjects, no motivation, no idea what subjects he wanted to do instead so he ploughed on but was not enthused, too many parties...) He saw his friends go to uni whilst he had no idea what to do with his life. We then realised he has been suffering with depression. He took a 'gap' year where he got a part time job and rebuilt his mental health.
Last year he took a foundation year in photography at the local arts uni. Next month he starts a 3 year photography degree. He is now 2 years behind his peers but confident, happy and optimistic about the future.

I agree with the PP who called this 'hitting the pause button'. That's absolutely the best way to look at it

bluebluezoo · 15/08/2019 11:48

Honestly, it isn’t a race :).

I never got this strict timescale of gcse’s at 16/ a levels at 18, uni straight away. When you’re 30 no one cares if you graduated at 21 or 25.

It all seems such a rush. I followed it (parental pressure) and made the wrong decisions- i didn’t know what I wanted to do so picked a random course. About 28 i realised what i actually wanted to do but couldn’t afford to go back to uni. Friend of mine left school after a’levels and got a job. Lots of horrified friends and family saying she’d wasted her chance, would get stuck working and never go back to being a poor student. 5 years later she did just that and is now a barrister.

Personally i think slow is better.

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