To feel sad about DS’s A levels

[Plainandsimple]

My DS is 18. He should be collecting his A level results today, but he had to drop out of his course earlier this year due to mental health issues. He’s on the road to recovery and has got a place to restart them in September, which is great, but I just feel so sad today. Basically his life just stopped and all his plans and dreams withered away. I’m cheerfully checking in with friends whose DCs are picking up their results, sending congrats over uni places etc, whilst my boy sleeps on in bed - he doesn’t realise it’s results day and I’m not going to point it out. Sorry this is really long, but I’m just so sad for him!

My son also has mental health issues, & last year was eventually diagnosed with ASD. He dropped out of school & college countless times due to depression & anxieties. He was 30 last December & has just passed his Foundation degree in Cyber Security. One more year to get through to his degree, & I know there may be times this year when he will feel unable to go on...but he WILL get there eventually. So will your son.
I understand how you feel....but your son has just had a pause, mine had many...but they do get there with the love & support of families. You sound like a great mam. Dont let him see you are upset. Hopefully there will be no more pauses for your son, but it won't mean his world stops, even if there are.

OP. When he does get to university he will be a year older, a lot wiser, more motivated, more prepared to work hard, more mature, more able to self start and organise his studies , in a better position to appreciate what university has to offer, and since he has been through the mill emotionally will probably be a kinder person to other students who are a bit lost and struggling.

Yes today will be hard, and so too the next couple of months as his friends go off to their studies but he will get through it , he is not the first to hit a bump in the road and he won't be the last. The important thing is that he is well .

My d had to repeat year 12 due to mental health reasons. She developed an eating disorder and dropped 20kg, was at serious risk of heart failure. She took a year out to focus on her health, which involved 5 months as a day patient in London, followed by a relapse then 5 months in an inpatient unit 200 miles from home.

She restarted year 12 with the next cohort, it was tough at first but she powered through. She picked up her A level results today, a string of A*s, and is going to her dream uni to study medicine.

Taking that year out was exactly the right decision, a year is nothing compared to the rest of their lives xxx

Love the ignorant comments about Arts degrees. I have an English Lit degree and about about to start work in a History faculty (oh, what a waste of space am I), and I've seen several cohorts of Arts degree students going on to excellent and enjoyable jobs. None of those jobs sound as boring as recruitment, either, but then I suppose someone has to do it.

OP, I totally understand why you're sad, but he's definitely done the right thing to take his time. Every year I get really worried about students who are struggling with mental health and who push on regardless, thinking if they drop behind they'll never catch up. It's never a good idea.

Sending , and .
YANBU to feel sad. Anyone would feel sad to have seen their child experience such difficulties.

But you have clearly looked after him, and are giving him the right support.

There is so much pressure on them. If he has set his heart on a course since Yr 10 is he a bit of a perfectionist / hard on himself? It may help him to see his peers missing grades but still getting the course that they wanted, or a great alternative.

I've had to take a few years out. I had my son whilst doing my GCSES (he was actually born the weekend in May smack bang between my 2 weeks of exams ) and he was very poorly when he was about 4 months, so even though I got good GCSES I couldn't go back to do my a-levels for another year. After my a-levels, I got a job for a while as I am chronically ill and knew I'd need major surgery within the next year (no point going to uni at that point then having to take more time out, but knew I would go eventually). I started my degree last September and am going into my second year. Don't worry. I wouldn't have been well enough to start a degree 2 years ago, and I'm far better prepared now. Lots of my friends have just graduated, it's made me a little sad, I will be 24 when I finish but it was worth holding off for my own sake. Your DS needed time to recover and that's okay, the pressure to do everything at a certain age is a lot less now. It's also okay to feel sad but realise that your DS will likely do better than he could have before especially with your support as you sound like a lovely mum. Enjoy your afternoon xx

I also didn't complete my A-Levels due to mental health issues, 15 years ago now. I tried again the following year, dropped out again. There was alot going on in life at the time, and there wasn't as much focus on teens mental health as there is today, and not much support, not that I would have took it anyway. My Dad thought I was doing things just to mess him around and my Mums own mental health had collapsed after my parents separated. Mum was a warehouse operative all her life, didn't see the point of further education when you should just be going out and getting a job, so after I turned 18 and she no longer received maintenance from my Dad for me, as I wasn't in full time education, I had to get a job myself. I never went back to education.

That wasn't the point of the thread, but I felt I had to frame where I'm coming from when I say this.

Even if he never achieves A-Levels, it's not the end of the world, or his life. I don't have a "middle class" or white collar job, there's no prestige in what I do, yet at 31 I have my own house in a nice village, I've had decent cars, I'm in a great relationship and I'm looking forward to meeting my first child in November. This may seem like a brag, but it's to show you, OP, that whatever path your son ends up taking, it doesn't mean he can't have a happy and successful life, with or without a degree.

Focus on his health more than anything. I carried my MH issues well into my late 20's, and it's entirely possible they may resurface again. I went to some very dark places mentally, and I'm aware I'm incredibly lucky to be where I am today. If my mental health had been addressed younger, who knows what path I may have ended up taking.

I also have a friend that didnt go to Uni untill he was 27, after also struggling with things during that allotted 18-24 slot, and he's doing great now after graduating last year.

I bombed my A levels, and flunked my degree. My mother was devastated, I however, found a career I loved in my late 20's. I now run a successful company employing 5 people.

Do not let the academic pressure get you down, the system is bonkers to expect 15/16 year olds to know what they want to do for the next 40 years.

Give him chance to explore, find what makes him comfortable. A child who is happy in their career is much better than a successful academic child who is internally torn.

Also your thoughts are perfectly natural as you are protecting your DS. So please, don't beat yourself up either.

It's really good to hear your DS is recovering and seeing a way forward OP, and well done to supporting him through it.

Another teen with ASD here - she also had a really difficult move to college & year 12 for lots of reasons over and above the usual transition struggles. She did stick it out & got enough to continue to year 13 but has pretty much decided not to apply to uni & take some time out after that. I think it will be so much the best option for her if she does, she just needs to be able to get to things in her own time.

Honestly, PlainandSimple, if he has ASD I'd be encouraging a delay to the start of university -- a gap year after his restarted A-levels, and possibly a course with a 'slow track' option. Don't underestimate the new shock to the system of moving settings once again.

DS has struggled immensely with university despite stellar A-level results.

I think in a few years you'll see this as a great thing. He's taken time to look after himself, he'll be stronger for it. It's surprising how many children change their A levels after a year, start a new course or take time out because of health issues.

This was me, although physical health issues. I’m now mid 30’s, happy, successful and loving life.

Having to fight that much harder for what you want really makes you resilient. It’s ok to feel sad sometimes though as it wasn’t what you pictured for him, but it sounds like he has the determination to get where he wants even if the road is a little longer.

Don't forget OP, lots of young people take a gap year between A levels and University to travel, earn money or intern somewhere so he's not really going to be "behind" his peers in the great scheme of things. The important thing is that the adults around him encourage him to focus on the positives and remind him that he'll get to where he wants to be, he just might have to take a slightly different route and that's fine.

My DD started A levels last September, but couldn’t cope with the workload due to health issues relapsing severely. She's about to start a college course next week instead, with the aim of applying to uni in 2021.

It’s been very difficult for her, but ultimately their health, physical or mental, comes first. It’s a delayed success, that’s all. Everything will work out for him.

Love your ideas for this afternoon OP, another two years may seem a lot right now but it won't be as noticeable as you think at the Uni stage. So many take a year out for various reasons (one of my godchildren couldn't get on the course she wanted and is taking a year out before reapplying) so I do think he is doing the right thing. Enjoy your celebrations today.

It’s a bit silly to be sad he is young and there is plenty of time.

I think it's the school streaming system that sets up this false expectation. After 18, no one honestly cares how old you are - it's all about attitude, enthusiasm, flexibility and the right skills. Everything I am doing now, I learned since uni and I am about to embark on more training as I expand my business.

Every moment you are alive, you have the opportunity to start again. This extra for your DS was a necessary investment, OP.

for everyone who has a teen going through a tough time.

I posted upthread about my DC who bounced back from a similar situation and ended up with a good degree, I should point out that degrees aren’t essential.
A friend’s son decided not to go to uni and took an IT apprenticeship at 18. He is now 23 and doing well enough to be buying a new build flat in the South East.
Another young friend had to retake his A Levels twice to get good enough grades to go to uni. He wasn’t that bothered (hence the poor grades) but his parents were of the mindset that he wouldn’t get anywhere in life without a degree. He had to resit first year and then failed second year and his debts were mounting. His mental health was dreadful and he chucked it all in and went travelling. A casual job he took on in Europe developed into a very responsible role in marine conservation (always his passion) and he’s now doing very well, able to support his wife and young family and loving his life.

Its a bit silly to be sad. That's told you then OP.

You see this is what you get for posting in AIBU. My DD missed her GCSE year due to mental health issues and is still very fragile, amazingly she tried to sit GCSEs as she is desperate to get on. She wants to put the lost year behind her, doesn't want to be a year behind her classmates etc. its actually made her MH worse. Its a very complex issue and we are lucky to have (mostly) very supportive people around us. DD has managed to apply to two colleges. As results day (GCSE next week) approaches she has had a relapse and is spending a lot of time in bed.

Of course you are fucking sad. Me too. And of course you are trying to support your child and be positive. Me too. Me, you and loads of other parents in this position - the issue being that most people on here aren't, but that doesn't stop them weighing in with suggestions of having a year out etc - yes of course we know that, we know that at 16/17/18 etc it is possible to restart academic life, to put any problems behind you etc. But that doesn't mean you can't be sad now. And our children's future is uncertain, we cannot guarantee they are going to be all better come September. We're allowed to be a bit sad you know OP.

You might find you get a better response rather than "it doesn't matter pull yourself together" etc if you post on MH or the teenage board. I have a support group made up of local people in the same position which I chat on every day or most days which really helps - have you got anything like that in RL OP? I can PM you some closed facebook groups if that would help?

He’s only 18! His life hasn’t stopped dont worry. So many retake the year aswell. There’s more to life than some results.

It’s fine to be sad OP, be kind to yourself. It’s really hard to support a child through mental health problems.

My DS has an anxiety disorder and has had to take 2 interruptions during his degree due to mental health issues. Two years ago he had a breakdown during which he was so unwell I thought he would never have a normal life again, I was devastated but put my feelings aside to support him, as you do. He worked very hard to get well enough to return and I am extremely proud of him but it wiped me out and I was scared that if it happened again I simply would not have the resilience to cope. I have followed his example and accessed support for myself and have also had counselling and we are both in a much better place now.

Like others have said, it’s not a race. He will get there in his own time

Totally understand how you feel OP as I was the same, but your boy's mental health is far more important and I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that.

My son restarted his A levels three times. First time he'd picked completely the wrong subjects (aided and and abetted by the daft cow at the college who seemed both shocked and disdainful that a mother came to college interview with her 16 year old, and who then preceded to completely ignore me throughout so he ended up doing subjects he had absolutely no aptitude for, or interest in with her encouragement.

Couldn't cope and dropped out after 8 weeks and went into a fog of despondency and depression, coupled with some bad behaviour. That was a tough time!

Second year he tried again with new subjects but at the time he was receiving treatment for cystic acne with a very powerful drug called roaccutane which has all sorts of side effects not least mood swings and debilitating fatigue. He simply wasn't well enough.

Third time lucky - he tried again and went on to complete his A levels, then went to Uni got a decent degree, and now has a brilliant job at 25 and is on course for a great career.

It's sad for your son today, but it in the grand scheme of things it's not such a big deal - I promise!

It’s just a pause button. He isn’t losing anything. The U.K. starts and finishes them young.
In the US kids finish O levels/GCSE at age 18/19 because they start school aged 7 instead of 5.
Then they don’t have sixth form, but instead it takes 4-5yrs to get a bachelors degree. Most kids don’t have a BA until they are 23/24!

So, don’t be sad for him. Be happy he can try again and that it’s not a one shot deal. His MH comes first.

I would tell him, hey it’s results day. Let’s find out what you got. Even if it’s Cs and Ds that’s encouraging because it means he knows enough to pass and all he has to do is work on pushing his grades up. As in he’s over halfway to his goal despite his MH and ASD. Two years well spent.

Of course it's not silly to be sad. I can totally understand how you are feeling.

However, facing adversity and being able to pull himself back up will have equipped your son with useful coping skills. I bet you are really proud of what he has managed.