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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel sad about DS’s A levels

81 replies

Plainandsimple · 15/08/2019 11:11

My DS is 18. He should be collecting his A level results today, but he had to drop out of his course earlier this year due to mental health issues. He’s on the road to recovery and has got a place to restart them in September, which is great, but I just feel so sad today. Basically his life just stopped and all his plans and dreams withered away. I’m cheerfully checking in with friends whose DCs are picking up their results, sending congrats over uni places etc, whilst my boy sleeps on in bed - he doesn’t realise it’s results day and I’m not going to point it out. Sorry this is really long, but I’m just so sad for him!

OP posts:

Original poster

Plainandsimple · 15/08/2019 11:48

And now you’ve all made me cry Talk about kindness of strangers! You’re all right, it’s just a blip, it means I get to have him at home with me for another two years (although the food bill...!), he can be sure he’s properly well before facing uni, he’ll have longer to emotionally mature and be better prepared for living away from home, and all the other positives you lovely lot have mentioned! I’m going to wake him up, drag him and the dog out for a walk, Maccy D’s for lunch (we’re a classy family!), then reruns of The Two Ronnies all afternoon.

OP posts:

Hithere12 · 15/08/2019 11:49

Also stop being so melodramatic. You’re son has his whole life ahead of him to focus on his career, learn about himself and what he enjoys. Deciding at 18 what you want to do for the rest of your life isn’t always a good idea.

verticality · 15/08/2019 11:51

Well done @Plainandsimple, that sounds like a great afternoon. You and your DS sound lovely.

nooddsocksforme · 15/08/2019 11:51

Sorry to hear things have not gone smoothly for you both but happy to hear about his recovery. Both of my dc had delays in their paths after school . But they came through it, and to be honest at that age , each years maturity makes a difference to their resilience and understanding. Starting a bit later may seem a problem at the moment but there can be advantages.

Idontwanttotalk · 15/08/2019 11:52

Be happy that he's on the road to recovery. His health matters far more than any exam ever will. He's just postponed them for a while.

Whatever you do, don't let him see/know you are sad. It will just put pressure on him that he doesn't need.

TatianaLarina · 15/08/2019 11:53

I would never advise someone to do an arts degree.

You’re not recruiting English and history teachers/academics, writers, journalists, artists, graphic designers, art historians, museum curators, antiques specialists then...

Pigflewpast · 15/08/2019 11:54

I’m finding it hard today as is dd. She’s cheerfully congratulating all her friends as they confirm their uni places, knowing that means they’re all moving away, before starting her shift in her low paid job which is her life for the foreseeable future.
She’s not academic, no chance of ever going to uni, and she’s very aware she’s the one being left behind. She won’t be able to move out of home for a long time, won’t earn a decent wage in the job she enjoys, and it’s hard for her to see everyone else doing what she would love to do but can’t.

munemema · 15/08/2019 11:55

Of course it's only right that you should feel sad.

I just wanted to let you know that a friend's DS repeated Yr 12 for the same reason. It still wasnt plain sailing and he struggled with his mental health again in Yr 13, not taking all his exams.

Despite this he got on a degree course and once there was able to tf onto a better course and has just graduated with a 2:1 having really thrown himself into university life. He even stood for NUS president (not sure if that's the right title? ) and is about to start his masters, having received some bursary funding.

It's not the route she'd have chosen for him but it's clear to everyone that his struggle is part of why he's done so well since.

Mrsjayy · 15/08/2019 11:55

No I was blushing because I used the wrong your sorry for the misunderstanding.

Megan2018 · 15/08/2019 11:56

@Hithere12 there is much more to studying a degree than the job it leads to - some people study for the love of the subject. That is where academic research stems from, it's not all about graduate outcomes!

TatianaLarina · 15/08/2019 11:58

History is a very common degree for lawyers and for political journalists.

RubbingHimSourly · 15/08/2019 11:58

My niece did the same. Took a year out to breathe then got back to it with all the pressure lifted.

She's at uni now and is doing so much better, his life isn't over at all. It's barely started.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 15/08/2019 11:58

Don't worry OP. I graduated at 31, instead of 21. The other conventional age students called us The Wrinklies

endofthelinefinally · 15/08/2019 12:01

Honestly OP. Be thankful he got some help and is recovering. So many young people don't get any help or support at all and things end very badly.

verticality · 15/08/2019 12:02

"She’s not academic, no chance of ever going to uni, and she’s very aware she’s the one being left behind. She won’t be able to move out of home for a long time, won’t earn a decent wage in the job she enjoys, and it’s hard for her to see everyone else doing what she would love to do but can’t."

I have seen several students come into university who were like this at 18, but who found drive and confidence later on. Unless there is an impediment like a very severe learning difficulty or something, you can never be sure of someone's ability and they can always surprise you! Sometimes a student who has been lacklustre previously just suddenly takes off and becomes stratospherically good at something.

But university is also not the be-and-end-all. I have a couple of friends still from school who didn't go, who are doing very well indeed for themselves. People take many different paths in life. There are also a lot of creative skills that aren't at all measured or tested in school, but are really valuable in the world.

sarahC40 · 15/08/2019 12:02

I really sympathise, op. We’ve had a horrible two years of depression after bereavement, which affected both my ds. He’s just said that there’s nothing like having your little brother take an overdose for putting today into perspective and that as long as everyone is healthier than they were yesterday, that’s a win. I’m happy that Ive got mine with me in one piece and as a teacher,I hate this false cliff edge we engineer for young adults - education and training is life long. I’ve got GCSEs to get through for my son and my students next week...keeping perspective is more important. Wishing your family well, op.

Grandmi · 15/08/2019 12:03

I really understand how you are feeling today . Just to say my sons girlfriend had to take her A levels a year later for mental health issues and got her results today !! All is good and she is off to her chosen Uni . and mentally she is a different person. My daughter also had to take a year out of Uni for similar problems and is now a thriving,happy,confident girlie with a good job.

LimitIsUp · 15/08/2019 12:03

It probably is a bit poignant today but he is restarting Y13 in September so no biggie really? They've got at least (assuming average life expectancy) 52 years of 'adulting' and gaining qualifications and employment ahead of them so no particular rush

Villageidiots · 15/08/2019 12:03

We were in a similar position last year....as my son had a bit of a breakdown and went back a year. But things have picked up for my boy and he has just got his results and will be off to uni. An extra year is nothing if it gets them back on track. I hope that all gets sorted for him x

OMGshefoundmeout · 15/08/2019 12:04

We had similar when DS had to take a year out of uni because of mental health problems. It was very sad and painful for us all but it truly did work out for the best. He went back the following year, made a great new group of friends, graduated and got an excellent city job. That time seems like a shadowy nightmare now but as I say it was a valuable life lesson. It taught him that apparent failures can be delayed success and he has a lot more compassion and empathy for other people’s problems nowadays.

Original poster

Plainandsimple · 15/08/2019 12:04

I’m trying to ignore Hithere12 - ‘walk a day in my shoes’ and all that! Pigflewpast for you too - it’s hard when we don’t all fit into the expected box, especially when you’re young and want to keep up with your friends. I think it was Richard Branson who didn’t go to uni - he’s done alright for himself!

OP posts:

malmal · 15/08/2019 12:05

Perhaps he could do an Access to HE course? That way he could go his own pace and not be behind his peers who have deferred.

ScrimshawTheSecond · 15/08/2019 12:06

So hard to see a loved one struggle or suffer.

I'm happy to hear he's recovering. For what it's worth, I think we can learn as much from suffering and setbacks as we can from our successes - perhaps even more in the long run. All the best to you and your son. x

bibliomania · 15/08/2019 12:07

I regularly deal with university students all the time, and hand on heart, it's much better to deal with MH issues before university - university can bring all sorts of issues to the fore. Messing up a year of university means that you've used up a precious year of funding. Sorting it out beforehand so that you're ready for university life, and you've had an extra bit of time to think about what course is right for you is absolutely the right thing to do.

If I ruled the world, nobody would go directly from school to university - you get far more out of it when you've seen a bit more of life.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/08/2019 12:07

Your ds is so lucky to have someone, who is there for him. You know he will get there in the end because he has his mum supporting him. Many of us were not so lucky and there are children and teens up and down the country, whose parents would have treated their child abysmally for having mental health issues and they’d be in a much worse state or making terrible mistakes.

All this will be as nothing in 5 years time.

I will always be grateful to a friend, who told me I should be going to university and encouraged me to find a place through clearing. Until that point I thought I was truly worthless.

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