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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dm makes me choose dc gifts and then she pays.

103 replies

thecatinthetwat · 14/08/2019 19:04

I’m probably being unreasonable but it really annoys me.

Dm always rings me up just before dcs birthday and asks me what to get them. I give some ideas.

She then calls back and says it’s too hard to choose anything and can I pick something.

I tell her to narrow it down and then I’ll take a look, but she says she can’t.

So I basically just find something myself and she pays for it. I find it so frustrating. For example, puzzle plus dc age. That’s what I do and then just pick one. She could do that herself. It’s like she can’t be bothered. Aibu to be so annoyed by it?

FWIW, she’s very internet savvy and has loads of time on her hands as she doesn’t work.

OP posts:
NobodyKnowsTiddlyPom · 14/08/2019 19:26

My MIL has always done this. Either she completely forgets her grandchildren's bdays (only our kids, not SIL kids or BIL's kids) or she sends a card saying, "I've put £30 in dad's account". It really annoys me. For her other grandchildren she spends a lot of time choosing something nice, and usually spends a lot of money on them too (same at xmas). I'd much rather she took the time to actually get to know her grandchildren and get them something she's thought about. She is a very frequent worldwide traveller (holidays every 6-8 weeks) and is very internet savvy but she doesn't want to know. Even on the odd occasion we manage to see her, she spends most of the time on her iPad or singing the praises of her other grandchildren. It's really horrible to listen to as my kids are desperate for some attention from her.

Original poster
thecatinthetwat · 14/08/2019 19:28

I totally get what everyone is saying, I would hate the plastic rubbish and waste.

The funny thing is, she does sometimes choose something at Christmas and gets them really lovely things. Never plastic rubbish. They always love what she picks.

That’s why I wonder whether she just cba. But at Christmas she’s shopping anyway iyswim.

OP posts:
madeyemoodysmum · 14/08/2019 19:29

Next birthday preempt her and do a list. She can choose from that.

Better than getting tat either way imo

Original poster
thecatinthetwat · 14/08/2019 19:30

she spends most of the time on her iPad or singing the praises of her other grandchildren.

Oh god yes, my mil does this too. It’s horrible for my dh.

OP posts:
RedSheep73 · 14/08/2019 19:30

My mil does this, and I get why, but it still drives me crazy. It just means I have to do all the thinking for her gifts as well as my own, and as they get older it's getting harder. It's not as if she doesn't see them either to know what they like!

pigsDOfly · 14/08/2019 19:30

It's very possible she's actually worried about getting the wrong thing rather than she just cba.

percheron67 · 14/08/2019 19:32

Better that than my Mother-in-Law who asked me to choose and buy the present and then "forget" to reimburse me!

Whattodo20192 · 14/08/2019 19:32

We do this with my family - my parents and siblings ask. I prefer it because the child actually gets something they want and don't end up with two of something

CielBleuEtNuages · 14/08/2019 19:35

I totally understand. I have to give ideas to my parents, MIL and my DB. And usually end up buying and wrapping them too.

I totally run out of ideas and the occasional time, say MIL has chosen something, my DC likes it and its usually a bit different so opens them up to new toys and themes.

We have just had to buy DS' birthday present from MIL. As we're on holiday we got it delivered directly to her instead of to us as usual. She then told DH that he could bring it back to ours next time he visits her and that I could wrap it for DS....!!!! Erm, no, the very least she could do is wrap it! Amd then hand it over when she comes to celebrate his birthday!

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 14/08/2019 19:35

All my in-laws do this - with me, with the DC, and even with DH.

I hate it. To me, it really is the thought that counts - and there's no thought whatsoever gone into this. Other than "Greebo can sort it." Angry

Original poster
thecatinthetwat · 14/08/2019 19:36

Better that than my Mother-in-Law who asked me to choose and buy the present and then "forget" to reimburse me!

Shock that would be so much worse!

Thanks everyone, I feel better knowing the grass isn’t greener - it never is Grin

I like the wish list idea! I will do that in future.

OP posts:
Gobbolinocat · 14/08/2019 19:37

Op I have this with a friend over Xmas it makes me feel embarrassed choosing then taking the money and sometimes it hasn't been forthcoming.
I'd happily choose to be honest with my own parent. Get exactly what they want. Our pils ask us then usually get what they want.

Parttimewasteoftime · 14/08/2019 19:39

Sorry OP my DM and DDad give us money it's great. Esp when they older we brought games console with controls etc. Granny and Grandad buy the games to go with. Know we lucky birthdays buys the football boots branded and above our everyday budget.

Gingerkittykat · 14/08/2019 19:41

Make a small Amazon wish list that she can choose from, or ask her to get a voucher.

Original poster
thecatinthetwat · 14/08/2019 19:42

I totally run out of ideas and the occasional time, say MIL has chosen something, my DC likes it and its usually a bit different so opens them up to new toys and themes.

Yes, exactly!

OP posts:
Shittiestdayinalongtime · 14/08/2019 19:43

The kids grandparents do this. It works well for everyone.

Soubriquet · 14/08/2019 19:47

I prefer doing this with my dc

Both my Nan, mum and MIL will ask for me to write a list of things the dc will like and then buy off that list

That way I know they get something they like and not doubles and not tat

RedPanda2 · 14/08/2019 20:27

I give kid in the family cash now. They can get what they want then!

QueenDreamer · 14/08/2019 23:47

Ha ha my DM does exactly this. I used to get really annoyed, but resistance was futile, so our solution was a physical 'stash' of suitable gifts rather than a list - DD sees something she likes, gets it and it goes straight in the box (with a post it note with the price on).

We'd really rather not do it, but it's just easier to offer a choice from the box when asked by DM, and often DD has forgotten what's in there 😆

Lipz · 14/08/2019 23:55

Blush I do this.. TBH I do it with everyone's kids, I got sick of been told they either had it, it wasn't suitable, or in some case bitching to others about how cheap something was (even when it wouldn't be) The thing is, some people will give me 2-3 ideas, but some just say anything from a certain character or something form stationary, there's so much to choose from I do be afraid I'll get it wrong. It got so bad with one of my brother's kids that I started giving money so they could buy their own gift, it was then the issue of not giving enough money !! I wish there was no such things of presents.

SAHM2019 · 15/08/2019 00:10

I like it when family either give me money to get a gift or ask specifically what to get... I'd rather that than something that wont get entertained and is taking up space anyway.

Purpleartichoke · 15/08/2019 00:15

This is surprisingly common for grandparents. Just ask for a budget range up front and get on with it. It seemed odd at first, but it actually makes my life easier. It’s close to zero work to have something delivered to my house and I never have to hassle with exchanging a wrong size or inappropriate gift.

Purpleartichoke · 15/08/2019 00:18

It’s also fantastic when your child gets older and starts asking for very expensive things. Since the precedent has been set, there is usually instant agreement from the grands on being a contributor to big gift that you otherwise wouldn’t be able to afford. My artist DD got a real Drawing tablet for Christmas this year because I was able to pool everyone’s contributions.

HiJenny35 · 15/08/2019 00:27

What a non issue. How is it the thought that counts when otherwise you child ends up with a duplicate present or something that they aren't into. Surly it's just common sense, your child will be receiving multiple gifts, child will like certain things that change so quickly, obviously as a parent you'd have to say what exact gift as otherwise they might already have it. I don't know anyone who doesn't do this.

Skittlesandbeer · 15/08/2019 00:48

My DM mailed her 3yo grandchild a Visa debit card with $20 (£11) on it. No birthday card, I recognised her handwriting though.

She lives 8 minutes away, it’s her only grandchild and she expected a Thankyou visit from us the next weekend. She’s in perfect health, and if anything ‘under busy’.

I remember standing in the hallway, holding a ‘cash voucher’, asking myself how on earth to explain it to a toddler. And when in my week I was supposed to find, buy, wrap this present. Was she expecting I’d buy a card and write it, faking her signature? If so, where’s my voucher for the card?

I texted DM saying unfortunately we were busy with birthday treats and visits and unwrapping presents from family & friends that weekend. When she asked what the voucher had been used for, I said I was waiting until DD was old enough to understand her present. Then I added that DH & I were having a little trouble understanding it also...

I suppose we should have been more gracious and grateful, it was the first attempt at a gift in 3 years, after all.