To ask if this is just a bit strange or actually concerning?

[ThePolishWombat]

Namechanged as it’s possibly quite outing, but I’m a regular poster and quite prepared to be told I’m just being a nosy neighbour and to keep my beak out, but I can’t help but think this is weird:

So my neighbours have always struck me as a little bit odd since they moved in at the end of last year. There’s Mum, Dad, a primary school aged DD, a preschooler DS and a baby who must be around 9ish month old by now.
The Mum is a very heavy smoker. Literally every single time I look out of my window, she’s out there smoking. Whatever - she’s an adult, she can do what she wants! But there’s a few things that have got me a little about the whole situation:

1. Even during this monstrous heat wave we’ve just had, I have never seen a single window open in the house. Never. Not even the bathroom. Don’t most people crack a window to avoid condensation when they shower at least? There’s also sliding doors that access the back garden - never ever seen them open. Even during this summer holidays, when you’d think most kids would be in and out from the garden?

Literally zero ventilation to the house.

1. The baby never leaves the house and I mean hardly ever. During school time, I see the baby in the pram on the school run and that’s it. During the heatwave, the whole family would spend most of the day in the garden together, kids playing etc same as my family, and I didn’t see the baby a single time. Not once. There’s a clear view from my back windows straight through her back windows, where you can see clearly into the houses, and I’ve never even seen her walking around carrying the baby or anything - even when she was a teeny tiny newborn Now I know not all babies are clingy Velcro babies like mine were, but isn’t it odd that this baby has been around for 9 months, and I’ve never seen her be held by an adult or even leave the house except for a 15 min school run (school is a couple of mins walk)?

A couple of other neighbours have voiced the exact same concerns to me, asking me if I’ve noticed it too considering I live the closest and have a clear view into the garden/house

1. The preschool DS. He is a “school year” younger than my DC1, and not very verbal at all. I’ve spoken to him a few times, and there’s a couple of clear words, but mostly just babble and pointing. Fine - some kids take a little bit longer than others to master speech right? But what me and 3 other neighbours are very concerned about, is the fact that this barely verbal, very young-for-his-age boy roams the streets around our houses completely unsupervised from very early in the morning during these holidays, just wandering aimlessly, knocking on doors looking for other DCs to play with or just any kind of interaction really. He was almost hit by a car turning into the cul-de-sac the other week and when the driver voiced her concern to his mother about him being unsupervised in the roads, she didn’t seem remotely bothered

Is it just a bit weird?
Or would you actually be concerned about the baby and the preschool? Maybe even the Mum’s wellbeing/state of mind? I’m not sure if I’m just being a busybody and my views are clouded by my own experiences with two very clingy, unputtdownable babies!!

it just makes me think “eww” - but again might just be me being judgey

MIGHT?

The only cause for concern is the preschooler wandering the streets. It's actually quite "lucky" he is as it gives a certain sense of legitimacy and seriousness to your post.

If you are seeing a health visitor today yes I would mention that a 3 year old is outside unsupervised quite often, and that you have mentioned it to the mum and nothing has changed (I think I read that early on?) Maybe you could knock the door today and see if she wants to go with you to playgroup?

WYP2018 The neighbour who almost ran him over talked to the mother about it, and she didn’t really seem to see the problem by all accounts
Weather has been rubbish here the last few days, so I haven’t seen him out wandering, but when the weather is good, it can be from as early as 8am that he’s knocking on doors etc

@weaningwoes that’s what I’m saying!
She is being advised to call SS which is what she should to to raise the concern instead she’s being berated for being nosey.

Contact Social Services. If someone has the slightest qualm, they should do so.

Do not delay further.

The pre school wandering around- yes concerning. The rest of it.. keep your nose out and stop watching people so much. The baby stuff is ridiculous! So what if she doesn't go out much And you won't have seen her all the times she went out. I'd hate you as my neighbour, seriously. You aren't getting the full picture of their lives.

Just back from playgroup.
Our HV was running the session today which was good as I’m already comfortable talking to her! I didn’t mention any identifying features at first, I just asked “If a preschooler was often unsupervised in the streets, how urgently would that be flagged up with SS?”.
Then she asked if it was a hypothetical thing or if I was concerned about someone in particular. As soon as I said “my neighbour at number xyz”, she said “Aaa yes. We are aware of the ongoing issues, as are preschool”
So I guess concerns have already been flagged up by more than one third party.
So what do I do now? If authorities/school are already aware, do I still report?

And as I’ve already said, I accept the bashing for being nosy! And accept that the other odd things are just that - maybe a bit odd on the surface but probably not an issue and as I don’t have 24/7 surveillance on the house, I don’t know the full picture!

I see it as a perfectly legitimate concern, not nosiness. I would rather be proved wrong than have done nothing.

I’d report- builds a picture.

EssentialHummus I’m guessing my conversation with the HV today would be logged wouldn’t it?
If they are already aware of ongoing issues within the family and now another outside party has flagged up a concern - albeit informally?

Aaa yes. We are aware of the ongoing issues, as are preschool

Are you going to report the health visitor for giving out confidential information?

That's a huge breach in your neighbours privacy, sounds suffocating living in your village.

I don't know the. If in doubt call, explain that you spoke to HV but aren't sure whether that's sufficient so here's the info again.

I’m surprised the HV said that. Are they even allowed to tell you that kind of information, I wouldn’t have thought so!

That’s all she said.
She didn’t go into details, just “we are aware of ongoing issues”

Yes I'd report it personally.

1.what you did was not reporting.
2.it was an informal conversation
3.if the HV is so unprofessional as to give details (and yes the fact that they are aware of issues is a detail that should not be shared) it's possible she won't take this further,record it properly

OP, I think the only concern about this family is the pre schooler wandering around, knocking on doors. Who knows where that could end up!
If HV and authorities do know, then they're not stopping it are they?
I know you've said someone else has already brought it to the mother's attention but I think you should also do this, so that you can see her reaction for yourself.

Then, if you feel she is really unconcerned you can decide what to do next.

The preschooler is clearly a concern. Statistically this means it is much more probable the other children are also a concern, and there seems to be no positive evidence to counter this. I’d be concerned.

As in yes do report formally!!

HV sounds professional
Please tell us the name of the village you live in- so that we can make sure we never move there.
Talk about neighbourhood watch!

In the nicest possible way OP but does everyone on your street not leave the house? How would every neighbour know they’ve never seen her leave the house unless they sit in theirs all day watching hers? Could it be possible she doesn’t leave her house much because she can feel the gaggle of neighbours staring at her 24 hours of the day to track when she leaves and who leaves with her? Obviously if not exaggerated the toddler walking around the street on it’s own isn’t good but I’m finding it hard to believe that the health visitor at a playgroup announced she had “ongoing issues”

The HV didn’t “announce” is to the group - it was said to me, when we were alone in an office. But from hearing what people have said here, she shouldn’t have even said that

On a plus note: I caught the mum about 30 mins ago as we were both getting washing in off the line. I said “Oh by the way, not sure if you’re aware, but the Monday morning playgroup is still running over the summer if you fancy it?”.
She said thanks for telling her, as she assumed it was closed for the summer, but she’d let me know on Monday if she’s going to come or not. So I hope it’s just a case of her not knowing about group days/times etc rather than her isolating herself for any sinister reasons

It appears the HV knows about the preschooler wandering around outside, knocking on doors?
If so, she has failed to protect the child. He's still doing it!

Formal report required - yes.

Yes, you should knock on her door one day and see if she wants a cuppa at your house. You could just say that it's a friendly neighbourhood, and she's one person you don't know very well yet... or ask if she could lend you an ingredient for baking (then take some of the bakes back to say thank you - thus providing two opportunities for seeing the state of the inside of her house conversation).