To ask if this is just a bit strange or actually concerning?

[ThePolishWombat]

Namechanged as it’s possibly quite outing, but I’m a regular poster and quite prepared to be told I’m just being a nosy neighbour and to keep my beak out, but I can’t help but think this is weird:

So my neighbours have always struck me as a little bit odd since they moved in at the end of last year. There’s Mum, Dad, a primary school aged DD, a preschooler DS and a baby who must be around 9ish month old by now.
The Mum is a very heavy smoker. Literally every single time I look out of my window, she’s out there smoking. Whatever - she’s an adult, she can do what she wants! But there’s a few things that have got me a little about the whole situation:

1. Even during this monstrous heat wave we’ve just had, I have never seen a single window open in the house. Never. Not even the bathroom. Don’t most people crack a window to avoid condensation when they shower at least? There’s also sliding doors that access the back garden - never ever seen them open. Even during this summer holidays, when you’d think most kids would be in and out from the garden?

Literally zero ventilation to the house.

1. The baby never leaves the house and I mean hardly ever. During school time, I see the baby in the pram on the school run and that’s it. During the heatwave, the whole family would spend most of the day in the garden together, kids playing etc same as my family, and I didn’t see the baby a single time. Not once. There’s a clear view from my back windows straight through her back windows, where you can see clearly into the houses, and I’ve never even seen her walking around carrying the baby or anything - even when she was a teeny tiny newborn Now I know not all babies are clingy Velcro babies like mine were, but isn’t it odd that this baby has been around for 9 months, and I’ve never seen her be held by an adult or even leave the house except for a 15 min school run (school is a couple of mins walk)?

A couple of other neighbours have voiced the exact same concerns to me, asking me if I’ve noticed it too considering I live the closest and have a clear view into the garden/house

1. The preschool DS. He is a “school year” younger than my DC1, and not very verbal at all. I’ve spoken to him a few times, and there’s a couple of clear words, but mostly just babble and pointing. Fine - some kids take a little bit longer than others to master speech right? But what me and 3 other neighbours are very concerned about, is the fact that this barely verbal, very young-for-his-age boy roams the streets around our houses completely unsupervised from very early in the morning during these holidays, just wandering aimlessly, knocking on doors looking for other DCs to play with or just any kind of interaction really. He was almost hit by a car turning into the cul-de-sac the other week and when the driver voiced her concern to his mother about him being unsupervised in the roads, she didn’t seem remotely bothered

Is it just a bit weird?
Or would you actually be concerned about the baby and the preschool? Maybe even the Mum’s wellbeing/state of mind? I’m not sure if I’m just being a busybody and my views are clouded by my own experiences with two very clingy, unputtdownable babies!!

All due respect sahm but none of your behaviours extend to letting a barely verbal child who’s maybe 4 roam the neighbourhood. That is plain and simple neglect.

Sounds like an odd village to me. In this village it's usual to go round and introduce yourself to new neighbours - maybe with some choices or flowers.
This doesn't mean there isn't a problem, but maybe when the next person moves in it could be something to think about.

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult I do know this child was out alone and I also know it wasn't the first time.
I'm not trying to be provocative but this tragic accident was completely avoidable

I'd call social services and I would say you're a neighbour but not give your name.

Apart from him roaming the streets alone....the rest of it come on? Are you actually in your house 24/7 curtain twitching to know the baby doesn't go out? And plus the baby is on the school run so DOES go out.
I wouldn't sit a baby in a hot garden either, and as for nosing Into her house that's too much its borderline stalking.....Report the child roaming though but the rest meh.

And wtf has smoking got to do with anything?! St least she's outside.

Yes I have said in my previous comments that was the ONLY thing I found 'odd' (the 3 year old roaming). But I was trying to let her know that a the other trivial things shes pointed out are just that. I mean, what's the woman being a heavy smoker got to do with anything? Why does that even need mentioning. In the big picture, the only serious part is the 3 year old roaming the streets. But them again, we don't know for certain how serious that is. And given that this woman is talking about having a clear view right into the neighbours house and commenting about how she doesn't open her windows as if these are vital points, it wouldn't surprise me if the whole 3 year old roaming thing has also been dramatised. To me, none of her behaviours seem odd. It's the nosey neighbour that seems like the odd one, looking through windows and taking notes about if the mum is holding her baby. All these other silly things she has added to this thread makes the child roaming the streets seem like it might not even be as bad as shes making out to me. Don't get me wrong, if it's not exaggerated, then I agree it's not right in my opinion.

Do you do the same school run as her? Could you make an effort to talk to her at that time and ask her how she's finding village life etc? (I'm assuming they moved in fairly recently)

The pre-schooler unsupervised in the street is concerning enough for an anonymous report to SS but I too would be worried about the possibility of PND and/or domestic abuse.

@LeggyLinda This is how those psycho parents in the US who used to tie their kids to the beds and make them march at 3am - this is how they got away with it for so long. Neighbours didn't want to appear nosey & gossipy. Despite noticing many things for years. Even seeing them marching past windows at 3am - nothing was reported for fear of being seen as nosey!

Yes definitely report it I’d be worried too. The mum might need MH support .the chain smoking and temperature regulation things you are mentioning can be typical of some mental health disorders and I hope you can help her to get some help or an assessment .

I wouldn’t let my nearly 7yr old out alone roaming up and down and knocking on doors, no way a preschool age child. I would report concern based on that. Not sure about the rest of it.

OP

1. I too would have spoken with neighbours it's nice t your a gossiping judgmental bitch (!) ,as some posters seem to be suggesting, but you are discussing and validating your concerns

2. obviously the unaccompanied young child is the principle concern but the rest of what you mention is perhaps part of the bigger picture

3. shame the man is an intimidating shit to you

and, yes

4). Report

I moved to a village, was the biggest mistake of my life. Could hear the neighbours gossip about me and my weird children and how they weren't right.
If my windows were open they listened outside them. Called social services numerous times. We were going through the stage of getting our oldest diagnosed with autism at the time and then the youngest.
They were the worst five years of my life. Moved and left my house empty for years because I knew it would drive them crazy.

Only thing I would be concerned with was the young child out on their own. Although maybe they think it's safe to do so as it's a village.

1. it's;not (not nice) - ie it's not you're gossiping etc

quitefranklyivehadenough so you Thought you would hold the real life tragedy of some bereaved parents up as an example, rather than make a general point which would have had the same impact?

All accidents are avoidable, that's why they are called accidents, but deliberately posting something which that poor lads parents may see to prove a point is awful behaviour, don't you think they have been through enough without stumbling across this thread and seeing themselves helps as an example of shitty parenting so you can feel all moral about it?

That news report gives such a small amount of information, the rest is hearsay, and if you personally know them, shame on you for using their child's death in such a way.

Not to offend anyone, (as have read up thread re. news article) but @ThePolishWombat we’ve all seen sad cases in the news of neglected kids (preschooler in this scenario) and domestic violence (only a possibility) etc. etc. and readers/viewers blame communities and SS for not taking action!
Report the toddler roaming the streets and give your account of the rude/eye staring dad and say that they very much keep themselves to themselves and you’ve done your bit imo.
If OP was a nurse, police officer, social worker, health visitor she’d have reported this by now.

People getting irate with OP about this, it’s called safeguarding - raising a concern because she cares, not walking on by and ignoring the toddler in the street.

I was overcoming agoraphobia when my eldest was a baby so we didnt get out much. I know several other mums who struggle with anxiety and find making small talk at the school gates difficult.

This explanation doesn't mean that people in those situations couldn't use some support so I'm not saying not to do something. But it's just what I thought when reading your post.

A mum on my street died by suicide this year. I didn't know her and I didn't hear about it until a bit later. I wish I had known someone was struggling and reached out to her somehow. I speak with my closest neighbours in the back gardens but I don't know the whole street well.

I think being interested and concerned are fine, as long as they does't come with a side order of judgment. Better that they are offered support and don't need it, than do need it and don't get it.

@VenusTiger it's called safeguarding when she does something about it,not when she gossips with the neighbours or puts a thread on Mumsnet.

The very first time an unsupervised 3 year old turned up on my doorstep wanting to at with my DC I'd be escorting him back to his home and telling his parents "look little Johnny has obviously managed to get out while you weren't looking, he was wandering the streets all alone! Don't worry I've brought him back to you." If the parent didn't respond as if they were shocked I'd be straight on the phone to SS. It's neglect. This has happened MULTIPLE times to multiple neighbours, and all they've done so far is suck their teeth and spy. That poor child could have come to grief a dozen times already because they'd rather goggle and gossip than take any actual action.

@mrstswift

Well imagine the state she'd have been in if instead of taking action they had gone from house to house tutting and hissing and gossipping, then a week or so later gone on MN to convass opinion (draw attention to themselves) and only then thought to call the police?

Please report your issues, it will at least set your mind at rest that you have done something about the situation

I would let SS know my concerns!

The thought of children being neglected / in dangerous situations breaks my heart and I couldn't just watch the little one roaming the streets.

Invite the mum over for a tea. She might be lonely and In need of other adult company.

Did you report OP?

If you're going to go to the bother of getting a flyer from the Children's Centre, why not mention the family to one of the community workers?

The child wandering should have been reported and you're all a disgrace for not doing so.

I’m going to the SureStart centre later for playgroup, so I’ll mention the wandering preschooler to one of the health visitors.

I accept that the other stuff - windows etc is just me being nosey, and while it strikes me as odd it’s probably not an actual concern. The only reason I mention the heavy smoking is because people seem to be more aware of the dangers of third hand smoke (on clothes/hair/skin etc) around babies and young children these days, and honestly she smokes an impressive amount and with the baby rarely being seen outside, it just makes me think “eww” - but again might just be me being judgey

Good idea. Talk it over with the HV. Again she may well already have concerns and you will add to the picture. I still think it's worth flagging up at school too.