To ask if this is just a bit strange or actually concerning?

[ThePolishWombat]

Namechanged as it’s possibly quite outing, but I’m a regular poster and quite prepared to be told I’m just being a nosy neighbour and to keep my beak out, but I can’t help but think this is weird:

So my neighbours have always struck me as a little bit odd since they moved in at the end of last year. There’s Mum, Dad, a primary school aged DD, a preschooler DS and a baby who must be around 9ish month old by now.
The Mum is a very heavy smoker. Literally every single time I look out of my window, she’s out there smoking. Whatever - she’s an adult, she can do what she wants! But there’s a few things that have got me a little about the whole situation:

1. Even during this monstrous heat wave we’ve just had, I have never seen a single window open in the house. Never. Not even the bathroom. Don’t most people crack a window to avoid condensation when they shower at least? There’s also sliding doors that access the back garden - never ever seen them open. Even during this summer holidays, when you’d think most kids would be in and out from the garden?

Literally zero ventilation to the house.

1. The baby never leaves the house and I mean hardly ever. During school time, I see the baby in the pram on the school run and that’s it. During the heatwave, the whole family would spend most of the day in the garden together, kids playing etc same as my family, and I didn’t see the baby a single time. Not once. There’s a clear view from my back windows straight through her back windows, where you can see clearly into the houses, and I’ve never even seen her walking around carrying the baby or anything - even when she was a teeny tiny newborn Now I know not all babies are clingy Velcro babies like mine were, but isn’t it odd that this baby has been around for 9 months, and I’ve never seen her be held by an adult or even leave the house except for a 15 min school run (school is a couple of mins walk)?

A couple of other neighbours have voiced the exact same concerns to me, asking me if I’ve noticed it too considering I live the closest and have a clear view into the garden/house

1. The preschool DS. He is a “school year” younger than my DC1, and not very verbal at all. I’ve spoken to him a few times, and there’s a couple of clear words, but mostly just babble and pointing. Fine - some kids take a little bit longer than others to master speech right? But what me and 3 other neighbours are very concerned about, is the fact that this barely verbal, very young-for-his-age boy roams the streets around our houses completely unsupervised from very early in the morning during these holidays, just wandering aimlessly, knocking on doors looking for other DCs to play with or just any kind of interaction really. He was almost hit by a car turning into the cul-de-sac the other week and when the driver voiced her concern to his mother about him being unsupervised in the roads, she didn’t seem remotely bothered

Is it just a bit weird?
Or would you actually be concerned about the baby and the preschool? Maybe even the Mum’s wellbeing/state of mind? I’m not sure if I’m just being a busybody and my views are clouded by my own experiences with two very clingy, unputtdownable babies!!

Please please call SS. So this doesn't happen again 😢
www.standard.co.uk/news/uk/child-4-killed-in-collision-with-van-while-riding-skateboard-in-surrey-a4157366.html?amp

I can tell you're genuinely concerned about your neighbour, but my next door neighbours have a 4 year old and 10 month old baby and I've only seen them leave the house with the two or three times. The preschooler wandering about alone is worrying, but my next door neighbour's 4 year old once let himself out of their gate and stood chatting to me in my front garden for 5 minutes before they realised he had gone.

Do you understand how sometimes what you see can be out of context?

Your neighbour might be unwell / the baby might be seriously unwell and not able to go out. I would change the subject if other neighbours mention it, as really talking about it changes nothing and perhaps winds things up a bit in your mind (I don't mean that horribly). I would call a service like NSPCC and ask their advice.

If what you say about the preschooler is accurate then you need to do something about this.

Report to SS(it can be done anonymously)

Ring NSPCC for advice or complete their online form or email. They'll listen,offer advice or refer to SS.

You could talk to a local community officer/police and they could go and have a chat about safety and letting kids roam the streets.

Once school is back,if you know the school you can have a meeting with the safeguarding lead at the school or the head(most times they're the one and the same anyways) and report your concerns. They'll make a note of it and either look into it or add to an already long list of concerns that might paint a bigger picture.

What you can't do is ignore, gossip and moan with other neighbours and on MN while a child is possibly at risk.

Most of it sounds gossipy and judgemental, but then you talk about a 3 year old wandering in the road unsupervised knocking on strangers doors as if it's on the same level as them not opening their windows?

Surely that would be a pretty obvious concern that this little child is at serious risk of harm? Even to someone who knows nothing about children

Sorry just to be clear, is it the school aged child or the pre-schooler 'roaming the streets unsupervised'? Because I read it as the school aged kid. But lots of people are talking about it like its the pre-schooler out unsupervised. And I haven't seen you correct them so I'm confused now which child it is... that actually makes a big difference. Because regardless of if you would allow your own child to be out alone, lots of people do... but I agree that if it's a pre-schooler than it's a lot more risky and I'd wonder why the older sibling isnt put with the pre-schooler.

The whole windows and sliding doors things isnt a big issue at all. For all you know, the baby could be in a travel cot near the back door when they are out in the garden. It doesn't sound like a big thing.

And in terms of you feeling like you should try and interact with the mum without sounding patronising... well all you need to do is just be nice and pleasant and normal. It's not hard to make a comment about how much the baby has grown or ask how shes finding the holidays.

And I'd avoid indulging in gossip. It doesn't need to be a large group of you for her to pick up on energies or looks. And you clearly do have an awkward energy or you wouldn't be worrying about sounding patronising ect. You've got no idea what this woman is going through or how she may be feeling, so don't add to that by talking ABOUT her instead of to her to the neighbours.

quitefranklyivehadenough have you seriously just posted a link to someone else's tragedy, with such little context about the circumstances that you have no idea what's gone on? To prove what? That sometimes kids get knocked over?

You could have just said that without using a very real circumstance, especially as bereaved parents very often come here for support so it isn't beyond comprehension that his parents would be here for support too.

You have no clue if that lad was out alone if he was on the pavement, if he fell or anything else.

How would you like your child dying then strangers, who know fuck all, using your child as an example, a statistic or a point scoring excersise. I've been there and done that, and it feels pretty shitty from the bereaved parents side.

I would strongly suggest getting the link removed and avoid using real people's real tragedies to prove a point.

Ok I've just re-read original post and you are saying it's the 3 year old roaming the streets. My bad for not understanding that. Yes I'd be wondering why he is out alone for long periods. I have a 5 year old and 3 year old and the rule has always been that the 3 year old can only play out the front if older siblings is also out. I wouldn't personally trust my 3 year old to be road safe and not wonder off ect. That's literally the only 'odd' thing that I've read in your thread though. If you are really concerned then yes, interact with mum a bit and try and gage if she maybe just needs someone to be kind to her.

They could have air con, you shouldn’t open windows and have it on.

The baby could be out you just don’t see it. I’m sure you aren’t watching 24/7.

The last one is the only one I’d worry about.

Is the primary age child at the same school as your DC? If so I would go and speak with the head teacher or whoever is the DP for safeguarding. They can't tell you anything but you can report your concerns and they can add that to the picture they have of the child. It may be that they have lots of concerns too and your perspective from outside of school could really help.

SS, as others said. Yeah, she could be out with the pram at 2am/have air con/have a poorly baby, but everything together paints a worrying picture imo.

To all the posters screeching ‘gossip monger’......surely everyone occasionally questions situations?...and surely sometimes we need to seek reassurance that our questions are valid?....and then sometimes someone will feel they need to seek further clarification (sensibly on an anonymous forum so they are not properly gossiping) before the questions they have lead to raising concerns with official services and bodies? Far better to ask the question, seek validation and do something rather than ignore??!!

I guess you have already tried being friendly with her and just making conversation?

Windows wouldn't be a concern to me. It's actually better to keep them shut when it's really hot. And the non-verbal aspect also wouldn't concern me as it's easily explained. But roaming the streets at that age is a big concern unless mum is with him, which she obviously isn't. I would probably call SS because if her husband is that aggressive I'd be worried about domestic abuse. Maybe I'm being dramatic but better safe than sorry

The three year old out knocking on doors is really worrying.
I also thought about a controlling partner. How does the Mum seem when she is in the garden ?
You do need to report the toddler out alone, he is much too small and vulnerable to be unsupervised.
Re the windows, mine are rarely open, partly as some are not working (old house, ancient sash windows) but mainly because I have a wasp sting allergy and don’t want to risk a wasp coming in unnoticed . So that doesn’t worry me, but the three year old does.

I’d call ss, and also and drop around with some cake or something and invite her for a cuppa. And have dh and I jointly ask them on a weekend too I think.

To clear it up: It’s the preschooler who is out on the road unsupervised an awful lot - which yes, I’m aware is the biggest concern here with regards to safety/wellbeing of the child.
The primary age child is older than my DCs. She sometimes plays with a neihbour’s daughter and I’d guess they are the same age - around 8 or 9.
@MyOtherProfile When she first moved in, she seemed to engage in quite a “normal” level of neighbourly chatting with me (at the back), and both the neighbours adjacent to her house if we happened to be out in gardens at the same time etc but that seemed to stop pretty abruptly

Maybe she thinks you’re stalking her? You seem to know an awful lot about her life maybe one of the other neighbours told her about you gossiping about her? The only concerning thing is the 3year old out unsupervised

I think you should report to social services, and voice all of your concerns. It gives a wider picture of neglect. Sometimes lots of small things together add up to a much bigger problem.

Some of the older neighbors in our cup de sac noticed one of the others hadn’t put her bins out. She never goes away. They conferred with each other and called the police. Good job they did she was lying dead in the kitchen. Neighbors should look out for each other

When you do safeguarding training, one of the key things is that it's often an accumulation of otherwise easily explained factors which can point to a safeguarding concern. This is why schools keep records of anything which is potentially concerning, even though many will be just one thing (eg bruise on arm) once a year and so clearly lead nowhere. I would agree that things don't seem to be right in this family, but I'd be surprised if school and pre-school haven't picked up on anything between them (and they will be communicating if they have). However, 2 things: 1) as PPs have said, there could be a health (mental or physical) explanation, which perhaps is being dealt with and you wouldn't be aware. 2) SS can often lead to more stress in an already stressed situation, depending on how effective they are. Poorly run SS seem to be worse than none at all, and many are poorly run due to complete lack of money. It's a very tricky situation but my first course of action would be to try chatting to the mum.

My first thought was cannabis farm

I do live in a rough area though!

You can report anonymously to social services or you can report it via the NSPCC - it needs reporting as it’s not appropriate for a young child to be knocking on doors. Paedophilies live in most areas.
The mother could be being abused. I’d report.

Just going to share my own experience on this one because the more I've read your thread the more I'm resonating... with your poor neighbour. But I also have 3 children of school age, pre school and a 1 year old. I also relocated last year and my eldest goes to a village school. I am also clearly a bit 'odd' to some of the mums at that school. I am different from them, I'm not part of their clique and I've never tried to be. I go to school to drop and pick up my child. I say hello but don't stand around and do the meaningless small talk thing. Because the times that I have happened to wait around, ove been stood by a handful of mums who are indeed gossiping.
I've had comments about my pre schooler 'still being in her pram' and her still having a dummy. I don't even respond because the dummy is my decision as to when I take it away (she wont have it forever). And the pram, well I don't drive and if I walked 20 minutes to school in the morning, my eldest wouldn't get there on time unless we left half an hour earlier which is too stressful with 3 DC to get ready and out.
There is another mum at school with a double pram with a pre schooler the same age as mine (they are in the same nursery class) and she is never looked twice at... because they all know her. She also often pushes her 5 year old in the pram and I see her carrying the 5 year old a lot too as she clearly gets tired walking. Nothing wrong with that but I'm just saying that it's one rule for one and another for the newbie.
I have definitely picked up on the mums who gossip about me and I have also felt very grateful for the mums and dads who have gone out of their way to just be nice to me and let me know that they arent a part of gossip (just by being normal).
On the days when my pre schooler isn't at nursery, we get back from the school run and we are all in unless we have somewhere to be. So we also aren't seen out and about a lot.
Sometimes I even shop online (its easier than taking 3 kids every single shop with no car) and at those times we arent even seen at the local supermarket for a week at a time.
Do you see where I'm coming from though? There may be a problem with this mum, but there may be nothing more than exactly what you see... a mum who does things differently from you and a mum who you don't know, even if 'everyone knows everyone' in your village.

I don't open windows because wasps(I know that's pathetic, I'm working on it) I have worked with a few children who don't talk for various reasons, just because he babbles at you doesn't mean he can't talk at all. Some babies hate being held, one of that would worry me too much.

Being out alone at that age is a worry though, verbal or not, its very young. I would report that to SS.

I think inviting her out would be a nice idea, could you maybe suggest going to the park with some other families? maybe she is far too shy to invite herself and sees the group of you having a cuppa or whatever and feels a little intimidated, like she doesn't fit. I work in a small village primary and the way the mums interact is really different to how it is in the big town I live in, it could be pretty intimidating if you were new to the area.

@ ThePolishWombat Having been on a safeguarding course I know you should definitely call social services and explain your fears for the preschooler and also mention the baby.

They will then take it further and investigate. You cannot leave this. If the child is knocked over you will blame yourself. And the child obviously needs protecting. It is not normal at all for a non-verbal preschooler to be out unsupervised. You obviously know this.

Please report this.