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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

... to not say anything

103 replies

Yesivenamechanged11 · 14/08/2019 15:12

NC for this one.
20 weeks pregnant, lost my job three months ago and money is tight. Maternity allowance won't kick in for another 7 weeks.
Been offered a job interview next week (2 stage process) an hour away from where I live and am currently car-less so it will be a big effort to get there. Industry I work in generally has a 6 month probationary period so I could get canned at any time.

I am showing a bit but generally just look a bit tubby.
Do I say anything at interview?? Gut instinct says no but not sure I need the stress of being let go again (on top of taking legal action against former employer) so part of me wants to decline but I know that isn't wise.

Thoughts?

OP posts:

AlexaAmbidextra · 14/08/2019 23:38

I voted YABU. Regardless of what the law says, I think it’s dishonest to accept a job knowing that you’ll be shortly taking ML. Presumably they’re recruiting because they want someone to actually do the job. I don’t think it’s fair to go through a costly recruitment process and work just a few months then disappear.

C0untDucku1a · 14/08/2019 23:45

Should men be expected to say their wives are pregnant, as they could take the same amount of leave?

AlicjaCross · 15/08/2019 06:25

I'd be pissed off with you simply because if we recruit someone, we usually need them to do the job now and in the near future. Once you have the job and announce your pregnant, I'd feel annoyed that you hadn't been honest and know that I'd now have the time and expense of recruiting someone to cover for you. I also have enough experience in the workplace to know that there is no guarantee that you will only take the 4 months you propose to take.

PapayaCoconut · 15/08/2019 06:35

Uptgread someone has used the term 'discriminatory' but that's not true in our case

Yes it would because she's not required to tell you. I think you'd find a tribunal would agree with me.

SimplySteveRedux · 15/08/2019 06:43

Of course people will go on about rights and equality and so on, but COME ON!!!!!!!!

You're sliding down an extremely dangerous slope there. OP has no legal requirement to disclose a thing. Read the very recent thread in "Legal Matters" about the woman whose offer was retracted as soon as she mentioned her pregnancy. Thankfully she had material proof. I hope she's suing those fuckers big time.

Witchinaditch · 15/08/2019 06:47

You’re pregnant, you need a job. Go for it, don’t say anything and good luck

Oysterbabe · 15/08/2019 06:51

If you tell them you won't get the job so it depends how badly you want it.

thebakerwithboobs · 15/08/2019 07:13

@papayacoconut

Yes it would because she's not required to tell you. I think you'd find a tribunal would agree with me.

And I'm not required to employ people past their probation stage I think you'd find a tribunal would agree with me, there, too!

The rest of my post made it very clear that the pregnancy would not bother me in the slightest-I have and would again employ a pregnant woman (and also an expectant father who is just as entitled to the maternity leave as his partner). As an employer I want to have staff who are honest and, more importantly, staff whose safety I can ensure. If someone has actively withheld a pregnancy (or any other condition which were to make them potentially vulnerable) that puts me in a completely avoidable but difficult position. I'm a decent employer but, to me, decency is a trait that works both ways and active concealment of a pregnancy is dishonest.

PapayaCoconut · 15/08/2019 07:23

As an employer I want to have staff who are honest

That's a bit like saying "as an employer I want staff who are well spoken so I would never consider hiring someone with a strong foreign accent."

badgermushrooms · 15/08/2019 07:34

Let's say that morally you "should" tell your prospective employer if you're pregnant. Should you also tell them if you're TTC? Or thinking about it in the next few months? Perhaps you should also disclose whether you'd proceed with the pregnancy if you had a surprise, or would take the MAP if you had a contraceptive failure?

On a similar note I propose all men are obliged to disclose the details of their sporting activities so that employers can refuse to employ anyone who might need a lot of time off for a rugby injury or getting knocked off their bike. Also if you live rurally and might struggle to get in after heavy snow. After all, it's just a matter of integrity: it's absolutely right that employers are entitled to control every moment of your private life.

Pawsandnoses · 15/08/2019 07:46

You don't have to tell them, but personally I would. If they offer, you accept and then they find out a month later, no, they can't discriminate but I'd imagine would be quite pissed off that you hadn't told them. You wouldn't be in a position to build trust as then you would be on maternity leave. If you tell them at interview, then they're still beholden to the Equality Act and need to be more scrupulous with the recruitment process. I do think that you need to seriously consider how long you intend to take off and make that very clear from the start.

thebakerwithboobs · 15/08/2019 07:48

As an employer I want to have staff who are honest

That's a bit like saying "as an employer I want staff who are well spoken so I would never consider hiring someone with a strong foreign accent."

You've lost me there, Papaya. How on Earth is integrity (a deliberate choice of honesty or otherwise) comparable to somebody's accent?

thebakerwithboobs · 15/08/2019 07:55

Badger, often those things ARE discussed! I, for example, always talk about the 'snow' policy because it worries people. We are fortunate in that remote working is a preferred option but, again, if people disclose their concerns we can work around them. Sport isn't really a comparison-although it often comes up as it's obviously from all the shite memorabilia in my office that I do a lot of it-because it doesn't make that person vulnerable in my workplace. Pregnancy does. I can't support somebody unless I know what the vulnerabilities are. I would feel the same way if a disability were not disclosed. And before the pitchforks come out I KNOW pregnancy isn't a disability (I've done it a lot!) but both situations mean that the employee needs potentially different things from me that I can't provide without knowledge. How will a 20 week pregnant employee attend appointments, for example? How do I risk assess a pregnant employee that I don't know is pregnant? If I know at interview, those appointments can be scheduled, adjustments can be made, I can plan for our business (which may sound selfish but it employs more people than just the hypothetical pregnant one).

jeanne16 · 15/08/2019 08:04

I work in a school where a new teacher arrived in September for the new school year and she was about 7 months pregnant. She was quite open about the fact that she had been pregnant when interviewed the previous May but hadn’t told anyone. It was a dreadful start for the school and caused huge resentment.

The school had to get maternity cover for her. She took a year off and then returned and the maternity cover teacher (also a woman) had to leave even though she would have liked to stay. Some people just exploit the rules that are designed to protect people and subsequently cause damage.

OhamIreally · 15/08/2019 08:12

Blackchina has said four times that women "struggle to be taken seriously" in the workplace. Regardless of this particular AIBU I absolutely disagree with this. Over a long career I have encountered many formidable and impressive women in the workplace who are very much taken seriously.

I do agree that discrimination and sexism abounds however, as this thread depressingly confirms.

MrsSchadenfreude · 15/08/2019 08:15

I got offered a job when I was pregnant. They were fine when I told them - just said they would get a temp in and work around it. Which they did. I have also offered a job to someone who was pregnant - because she was the best person for the job.

poppymatilda · 15/08/2019 08:16

This is tricky. If a candidate told me during the interview process I wouldn't have a problem with and frankly would appreciate the heads up so I could make arrangements for cover. However, if I found out later I'd be annoyed they hadn't been straight with me. I wouldn't get rid of them but I'd just be a bit wary of whether they were trustworthy going forward. So it wouldn't do much for the long term working relationship

FamilyOfAliens · 15/08/2019 08:18

Maybe it’s just blackchina who struggles to be taken seriously in the workplace because she uses so many unnecessary exclamation marks

SimplySteveRedux · 15/08/2019 08:20

As an employer I want to have staff who are honest

Yet you must realise for every decent employer there are a large/huge number who would actively discriminate against someone disclosing pregnancy at interview.

Blueoasis · 15/08/2019 08:23

To those who are saying don't tell them, and to the op:

How would you feel at someone new being hired in your office to help with a heavy workload, only for them to leave after a few months on maternity leave? Meaning that the company can't afford to hire another person and you're stuck with more work, again?

If you'd be fine with that added work and extra stress, then do it. If not, don't lie.

In my work to be honest, I'd be furious. We are already short staffed and over worked (management's fault) but if we hired someone then they left on maternity leave almost immediately, I'd be so angry at being left in the shit again.

SimplySteveRedux · 15/08/2019 08:25

I would feel the same way if a disability were not disclosed.

Sorry baker, I'm intrigued. I've not worked since disability hit me in the face so I'm rather naive. Would you require someone to detail what reasonable adjustments they'd require, or full disclosure of conditions and symptoms?

thebakerwithboobs · 15/08/2019 08:26

Yet you must realise for every decent employer there are a large/huge number who would actively discriminate against someone disclosing pregnancy at interview.

I'm not sure about huge, but yes, I can understand that it happens and if I'm really honest I can also understand why. I've always just accepted that pregnancy is temporary but a decent member of staff can be, quite literally, for life. We are very open on our website and in our recruitment processes that we are as family friendly as we think it's possible to be and always open to suggestions which, I hope, means that people feel able to be honest: integrity is a two way street.

thebakerwithboobs · 15/08/2019 08:34

Sorry baker, I'm intrigued. I've not worked since disability hit me in the face so I'm rather naive. Would you require someone to detail what reasonable adjustments they'd require, or full disclosure of conditions and symptoms

Whatever you needed from us. Condition, yes, from the perspective of me knowing what I needed to do, or what adjustments would mean you could work effectively with us and we could give you the same opportunities as everyone else has. Silly example but it's the one that springs to mind (and I do actually have to get to work!) we have a member of staff who has fybromyalgia which I hope I have spelled correctly. Now. Strictly speaking, I don't think it's recognised yet as a disability (it wasn't when she joined us) but she was able to talk through what it means for her and how we can help. It's an unpredictable beast that I have to confess I had never heard of and would not have known where to start but we have been able to work to giving her a set of relatively minor adjustments, that don't affect anyone else (I only say that as someone upthread mentioned resentment) that mean she is usually able to cope with her condition. When she has flare ups which can be excruciating for her (and awful to see, if I'm honest) we do at least know a few things we can try to do to help and have tasks she can do from home if needed. A staff member with an ongoing condition doesn't necessarily need lots of time off (and the business would struggle to support that in some cases) but if we are forewarned we can all be forearmed. It works in two ways too-I have a very capable and loyal staff member and the staff member is flourishing because she has, most of the time, what she needs. (Sometimes, very occasionally, she just needs to cry in the corner of the office and rant at me because life is very unfair and do you know what? That's ok too!)

twolobsters · 15/08/2019 08:37

@Blueoasis but in your scenario, how would disclosing help? It sounds as though you would be furious if someone pregnant was hired and subsequently went off, either way. To not hire them for that reason would be discriminatory, irregardless of your workload

DocusDiplo · 15/08/2019 08:38

I have no idea. Good luck OP.

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