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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ignorant sister and Brother in law

129 replies

bagpuss90 · 14/08/2019 10:37

I’ve posted on here about my SIL before. Anyway on Saturday her and my BIW were invited to mine for a BBQ I don’t live with my partner as yet -but I’m calling them in laws for convenience. Anyway my partner and I spent time preparing food -marinades etc. They rock up and say they’re not hungry cos the they stopped for bloody fish and chips . BIW claimed not to know it was a BBQ . But I’d had several texts even mentioning the word BBQ going back and forth with her , one even asking if there was anything they didn’t bloody eat! She replied no. Partner I think was more than embarrassed . I fumed for the rest of the day. I really want to message her telling her what I think of her pig ignorant behaviour. I could give him the benefit of the doubt -maybe she didn’t tell him him we were eating. He did look embarrassed .But her? No way .

OP posts:
Juells · 14/08/2019 11:44

@Cassilis I didn't venture into the 'ignorant meaning rude' conversation at all.

Cassilis · 14/08/2019 11:47

@Juells sorry that was for @BogglesGoggles

ladymariner · 14/08/2019 11:48

I think there are people on this thread who would argue black is white, just to be contrary.

Op, YANBU, it is incredibly rude to eat on the way across if you know your host is going to be cooking for you. I wouldn't bother texting though, I just wouldn't bother with them anymore at all.

PalmersGreen · 14/08/2019 11:50

Don’t spend time with them! They sound horrible.

Goingonagondola · 14/08/2019 11:51

Yes I think it was rude. But I wouldn't be too quick to jump into thinking of them as your inlaws and hosting BBQs for them. It's your boyfriend's sister and therefore (thankfully) nothing to do with you. Enjoy!

LimpLettice · 14/08/2019 11:54

Op, definitely yanbu and I'm a bit open mouthed at anyone calling you unhinged or high strung. You get invited by your brothers partner for bbq, you accept and then decide to stop on the way for fish and chips? That's not just rude, it's intentionally unkind. Sounds like a cow. Take the moral high ground, don't bother texting, just nod and smile and never invite them again.

Watchingthyme · 14/08/2019 11:56

Yes rude.
Simple really.

Original poster
bagpuss90 · 14/08/2019 11:56

I must admit I’m a bit stunned by some of these comments. How can anyone think it’s okay? I’m unhinged? 😮. Well clearly . Btw by ignorant I meant having no idea how to behave .

OP posts:
DinosaursWouldEatYou · 14/08/2019 11:57

She's incredibly rude and you have every right to be annoyed but don't message her. Keep your distance and any future issues leave it to your partner to deal with.

Greyponcho · 14/08/2019 11:58

Any chance that SIL is pregnant and couldn’t face the idea of bbq’d food, so ate something on the way she knew she could keep down, and BIL is taking the hit so as not to let the cat out of the bag?
Its one Bbq - you’ll have to get over it. Get annoyed if they start making a habit of it.

Dangerfloof · 14/08/2019 11:58

BIW claimed not to know it was a BBQ . But I’d had several texts even mentioning the word BBQ going back and forth with her

Yes they were ignorant, I just want to add that my DP has often invited me to his family things. I have asked the usual who will be there, should we take anything, how long will it be, who's house is it at etc etc. To get answers back from him. Then we get to the event and its planned for all afternoon not a couple hours, it's a huge double birthday party with 50 people not the tiny 5 or 6 people thing I was expecting and once famously was a bring a food dish and a chair each. To which we took neither chairs nor food because I didnt know.
Still I dont look a wanker because I dont have any input. Am defending the bil cos it could be the same.

Original poster
bagpuss90 · 14/08/2019 12:02

No defo not pregnant -well unlikely . Shes 53

OP posts:
Apolloanddaphne · 14/08/2019 12:03

They were very rude but i wouldn't bother messaging her about it. Just don't invite them for food ever again.

Rainonmyguitar · 14/08/2019 12:04

Not to Inigo Montoya, but with “ignorant” you keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means...

OP has used 'ignorant' in the correct context here. I think maybe you don't know what it means.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 14/08/2019 12:05

Is SIL or BIL your partner's sibling? What does your partner say? Does he have a close relationship with them. Have they always been like this, or is it only when you came on the scene.
Its seems from what you have said that SIL has prior form for having a touch of the CFs. With that in mind, I'd be doing a lot less running around after her in the hope of pleasing her (or your partner)
Sending a text about this is a bit pointless and will just put you in a bad light.
However, she probably knows that you really don't like her and has decided not to care. Is that the relationship you want going forward, or could you maybe ditch the dislike and talk to her about it to resolve things? Meanwhile Just stop the invitations.. or make them as easy as possible for you as others have suggested, order a take away. What happens when they host you?

Rainonmyguitar · 14/08/2019 12:06

Leave it to your partner

Why? Isn't OP allowed a voice?

AJPTaylor · 14/08/2019 12:09

Honestly. I have in laws with form for this and so does my sister.
Rude and ignorant is dead right. I have just stopped inviting them for anything more than a bag of crisps.

Rainonmyguitar · 14/08/2019 12:10

It's your boyfriend's sister and therefore (thankfully) nothing to do with you. Enjoy!

This attitude is so bloody annoying. How is it nothing to do with the OP? It was her house, her BBQ but she's expected to shut her mouth and be an absolute mug!

redcarbluecar · 14/08/2019 12:10

Yes that was rude and annoying of them. Lesson learned; don’t go to that much trouble for them again.

ReasonedCamper · 14/08/2019 12:11

Really bad to accept an invitation to eat and then turn up and say you have chosen to eat on the way and don't want your hosts prepared food.

And I wouldn't lend my camping stuff to anyone!

She sounds annoying, but step away from the text.

Boswellisdead · 14/08/2019 12:14

Goes beyond rude imo, it sounds deliberately nasty.

WishingILivedOnAnIsland · 14/08/2019 12:18

She's rude but I think you need to choose not to get worked up about it.

Stop trying to be friends with her. You don't even live with her brother. Why do you feel like you need to host dinners/go for weekends away/ lend your belongings to this person?

Just stop. Take the hint. Be friends with people who are nicer and whose company you enjoy. See her at family occasions and no where else.

Ninkaninus · 14/08/2019 12:19

That was incredibly rude and is definitely ignorant and ill-mannered behaviour. Either that or deliberately rude, which is even worse.

Id’ve been offended, and I wouldn’t bother again.

BogglesGoggles · 14/08/2019 12:19

@Cassilis to be pedantic most dictionaries which give that definition will qualify it as informal (which is of course a euphemism for commonly used but incorrect). Dog is informally used to refer to a man and dictionaries list this meaning but that doesn’t mean that the word dog correctly means man. Dictionaries describe all common uses of words, not necessarily the correct ones.

BogglesGoggles · 14/08/2019 12:20

@Rainonmyguitar I don’t think that rising above constitutes being a mug.