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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell dh not to mention dd weight

103 replies

CuriousMama · 13/08/2019 16:06

Dh has a dd who is an adult with dcs. She's putting weight on especially around her middle. Dh said he's going to have to mention it as he's worried about diabetes.

I said not too as she'll be well aware of her weight problem and one likes being told this. Also she'll be embarrassed.

Who's right? I know it's his dd but I just think it's wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
CuriousMama · 13/08/2019 16:06

No one likes being told this I meant...not one.

OP posts:
HappyHammy · 13/08/2019 16:09

How old is she, sorry but I dont know what dcs is . Is her mum around. Is it really a health issue, is there a real risk she might get diabetes

usersouthcoast · 13/08/2019 16:11

I don't think he should say anything. You're right, she will be aware of her figure and weight

BigFatLiar · 13/08/2019 16:13

Both of you. He's concerned for her health and I'd see nothing wrong with him asking if she's alright. Would be wrong though to go on about it or make it an issue.

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 13/08/2019 16:13

No he shouldn’t mention it.

She’s an adult. She will own a mirror. She already knows....

Original poster
CuriousMama · 13/08/2019 16:13

She's an adult with dcs...dcs are children. I don't want to say her exact age in case she's a mumsnetter.

OP posts:
Pipandmum · 13/08/2019 16:13

Dcs is dear children (I take it).
He shouldn’t say anything. How will she react: “ wow thanks I had no idea my clothes weren’t fitting me and I felt a bit sluggish. But thanks for noticing and telling me that it’s obvious”?
She knows and him saying something will not make her start losing it.

paap1975 · 13/08/2019 16:14

Actually, whilst I think that body-shaming is wrong and totally unhelpful, I do think that parents are responsible for discussing the health aspects of being overweight with their children.

HouseholdPlantMurderer · 13/08/2019 16:15

No one likes being told they put on weight, but I absolutely get where he is coming from health wise. If he is gentle and mentions it once, not several times, world is not going to end.
I wish someone told me to put me out of my denial when I started putting on weight🤷
My brain went "Well if no one sees it and mentions it, it's still fine". 🤦 no it wasn't.

feelingverylazytoday · 13/08/2019 16:15

I said not too as she'll be well aware of her weight problem
Are you sure about that? A lot of people underestimate their weight, or just go into denial, or may just be unaware of the link between abdominal fat and diabetes T2 (and other conditions).
Honestly, if you're concerned about a loved one's health I think you should address it with them, rather than just ignoring it and hoping they sort it out on their own. What if she was drinking to excess or using drugs, would he just ignore that or try and encourage her to do something about it?

Original poster
CuriousMama · 13/08/2019 16:16

I think it's because he's lost weight and is healthy eating. His df had diabetes but that was type 1. Dd is intelligent enough to know about health risks.

OP posts:
hormonesorDHbeingadick · 13/08/2019 16:16

I’m sure if you say mid 20s or early 30s this won’t give away who she is. Surely lots of women put in weight.

Socksontheradiator · 13/08/2019 16:16

She's an adult, paap.
I'm quite sure she knows the risks already.

dollydaydream114 · 13/08/2019 16:16

It's absolutely none of his bloody business. She's a grown woman with a family of her own. She'll be more than aware of her own weight gain and she is more than capable of deciding for herself if she wants or needs to lose weight. I'm sure if she happens to be at risk of diabetes, she knows that herself without Daddy chipping in with his 'advice'.

Is he always this patronising and interfering?

dollydaydream114 · 13/08/2019 16:18

I do think that parents are responsible for discussing the health aspects of being overweight with their children

Did you miss the part where the 'child' in question is a grown adult with a family of her own? She's not a five-year-old learning about eating her vegetables.

JemimaPuddlePeacock · 13/08/2019 16:19

I actually think YABU. As long as he approaches it in a gentle kind way. Mentions he’s noticed she has gained some weight and ask whether everything’s okay and how she feels about it. There may be some reason behind it, like she’s got absolutely no time to herself and is stressed out to the max and stress binge eating, her self esteem has taken a nose dive so she’s no longer taking any care of herself, she’s depressed (significant weight loss or gain are common in depression) and so forth.

It’s essy to say ‘trust me she already knows’ but sometimes you simply don’t realise how bad weight gain is getting until you have a wake up call, someone says something or you bust a zip on previously loose trousers, get rejected for a rollercoaster, are told by a shop assistant they don’t carry anything in your size. I think a father approaching his daughter about her weight/health to ask if she’s alright and whether she’s happy with it or in general is kind and good parenting despite her being an adult. She’s storing up problems for herself and possibly her kids if her eating habits extend to how she feeds them.

I certainly don’t think he absolutely needs to, but if he thinks it’ll be helpful as her dad I wouldn’t stand in his way. I know when I gained a bit my dad mentioned it in a fairly neutral way that he’d noticed I’d gained a lot of weight, until that point I genuinely had thought I was hiding it well and it wasn’t too noticeable on my frame. I did something about it and I was glad he hadn’t pussyfooted around. Would much rather have a slightly awkward conversation with my own parent than it continue and be even harder to come back from.

Original poster
CuriousMama · 13/08/2019 16:19

She's a health professional quite high up in her field so I think she'll be aware?

Maybe he should have a chat with his slim exdw? They get on well and maybe she's mentioned it already? She has issues with food though so maybe not?

I think as her and her dh are busy they may be relying on take aways a bit too much?

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JemimaPuddlePeacock · 13/08/2019 16:21

feelingverylazytoday totally agree... loads of people underestimate their weight, or don’t realise they’re overweight or obese, look around them at how many other people are obese and think they’re fine because they’re ‘not that big’ in comparison when in reality they are overweight themselves. You only have to see threads on MN where people say ‘gosh, size 16-18 isn’t big! The U.K. average is a size 14!’ as if that has any bearing on whether their own weight is problematic or not.

HouseholdPlantMurderer · 13/08/2019 16:21

@JemimaPuddlePeacock amen to that

JemimaPuddlePeacock · 13/08/2019 16:22

She's a health professional quite high up in her field so I think she'll be aware?

There are plenty of obese nurses and doctors around.

30to50FeralHogs · 13/08/2019 16:22

No he shouldn’t mention it.

She’s an adult. She will own a mirror. She already knows....

This.

There is no kind way of pointing out to someone that they’ve gained weight. Their trousers however, will do it silently and without judgement.

He sounds like one of these born-again health freaks, nothing worse than a diet bore. Tell him to concentrate on his own body and leave hers alone for her to worry about.

OrchidInTheSun · 13/08/2019 16:24

Does he think she hasn't noticed? Clearly not. Does he think she is unaware of the risks? Well, obviously, if she's a senior HCP, that can't be true either.

So why is he going to mention it to her? What on earth does he think it's going to achieve?

HouseholdPlantMurderer · 13/08/2019 16:24

It's better to mention these things early because
It's easier to keep fit than get fit.

Meangirls36 · 13/08/2019 16:24

Its really rude and not caring at all. You can't just go around calling people fat.

Original poster
CuriousMama · 13/08/2019 16:25

I know what you mean about it creeping up. I've looked at some old photos of myself and got quite a shock. Luckily I managed to lose weight.

I've just asked dh and he said he's going to have a chat with exdw see if anything has been mentioned? It could be a health problem?

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