Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

To tell dh not to mention dd weight

103 replies

CuriousMama · 13/08/2019 16:06

Dh has a dd who is an adult with dcs. She's putting weight on especially around her middle. Dh said he's going to have to mention it as he's worried about diabetes.

I said not too as she'll be well aware of her weight problem and one likes being told this. Also she'll be embarrassed.

Who's right? I know it's his dd but I just think it's wrong.

OP posts:

Constance1234 · 13/08/2019 17:36

How ridiculous and infantilising of him! How on earth does she think she might not have noticed! If he has to say something, he could ask her if something is troubling her in case her weight gain is from comfort eating?

Bluesheep8 · 13/08/2019 17:45

Quoting a pp

What do you think it's going to achieve HeadsDown? Has anyone ever lost weight because someone has pointed out they're fat? I doubt it

Er, I did. My mother sat me down when I was 24 and said she found it really hard to say to me but that she had to be honest about her concerns, as my mother. I cried, she cried and I lost 5 stone. (Over a few years) I've kept it off for almost 20 years. So yes, depending on how it's said and received, it can have an effect.

Bluesheep8 · 13/08/2019 17:47

I don't feel that the conversation that day was fat shaming.

OrchidInTheSun · 13/08/2019 17:50

You were a young adult Bluesheep, not a senior medical professional with several children. Not the same.

And a dad telling his daughter he thinks she's fat? No.

nutellalove · 13/08/2019 17:52

@Winterlife . It would have been far less embarrassing to be told by my parents than a doctor/stranger in my eyes. I was quite upset that my family who see me every day never mentioned it in the earlier stages to be honest as it would have been a lot easier to lose the weight had I started before it got so bad.

R44Me · 13/08/2019 17:55

I would imagine if she has a FT job, family, home to run there is little time for making appetising salads for her lunch, or much time for going to the gym etc Hence weight creeps on.

Dontsweatthelittlestuff · 13/08/2019 18:00

No one would say not to speak to her if she lost a lot of weight and was possibly tipping into anorexia so why is the opposite shyed
away from?

If he approaches her sympathetically to express his concerns and offers her any help she might need. Ie having the grandkids for a hour of an evening so she can go to the gym or go for a jog I don’t see how he would be fat shaming or why he should ignore the issue.

Rubicon80 · 13/08/2019 18:10

@CuriousMama HappyH i laughed because I'm fit toned and hardly overweight whereas she was chronically obese. I'm probably overweight because BMI is sometimes wrong for fit people.

a) The HCP being fat has nothing to do with your weight. If a nurse smokes, it doesn't make her advice to give up smoking any less valid, let alone hilariously funny. It's really, really rude to laugh at her for giving you health advice - that's her job.

b) You're not overweight because you're 'so fit', unless you're an Olympic weightlifter. You may be fit and toned, but you're still overweight & carrying too much fat. I train most days of the week and my BMI is 18.5. It's weird that you are so critical of your stepdaughter's weight problem, but in denial about your own.

PutyourtoponTrevor · 13/08/2019 18:18

Don't be an arsehole Rubicon

Rubicon80 · 13/08/2019 18:23

@PutyourtoponTrevor So it's OK for the OP to mock and jeer at the HCP and at her stepdaughter, but pointing out the hypocrisy of it is being an 'arsehole'?

Bluesheep8 · 13/08/2019 18:28

Yes you're right orchidinthesun, there is a big difference. And she never once used the word fat, thinking about it, she said she was concerned, as my mother, about my health.

TatianaLarina · 13/08/2019 18:37

Rubicon

a) If a chain smoking nurse advised me to quit smoking (I don’t) I would find it amusing. And irritating.

b) My DH and his brother are ‘overweight’ according to BMI - they have athletic, muscular physiques and play rugby (BIL is ex-army) - not a speck of fat on them anywhere.

MollyButton · 13/08/2019 18:38

If he's worried, then he could do something positive like offering to babysit so she could go to the gym or whatever. Sharing healthy recipes (easy prep and in 15 minutes ones ideally). Even buy her an organic veg or recipe box as a treat sometime.

But even my GP doesn't mention weight, she knows I know and it is hard to deal with. Well actually we have had a "and your weight..." "I know..." conversation - and she knws I go to the Gym etc.

Rubicon80 · 13/08/2019 18:46

@TatianaLarina a) If a chain smoking nurse advised me to quit smoking (I don’t) I would find it amusing. And irritating.

Why? What has her smoking got to do with the advice she would give you about yours?

In any case, the OP says that she openly laughed in this woman's face when she gave the advice. I'm not sure how anyone could interpret that as anything other than staggeringly rude.

b) My DH and his brother are ‘overweight’ according to BMI - they have athletic, muscular physiques and play rugby (BIL is ex-army) - not a speck of fat on them anywhere.

The revised BMI guidelines suggest that for very tall men, the upper limit of healthy weight should be raised slightly. Conversely, for most women (anyone under 5 ft 8), BMI is actually too generous. Most women carry an unhealthy amount of fat with a BMI lower than 24.9.

The chances that the OP - who describes her exercise as 'hiking' - is overweight because she's so incredibly muscular is vanishingly unlikely.

and again, my point was that it's hypocritical - and nasty - of her to bang on about her stepdaughter's weight problem while denying the reality of her own.

TatianaLarina · 13/08/2019 19:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TatianaLarina · 13/08/2019 20:08

I didn’t say anything rude so Rubicon must be on the report.

I repeat it’s complete nonsense that muscular women cannot be classified as overweight as per BMI yet be fit and toned. Women come in all shapes and sizes from big-boned and muscular build to tiny frames.

and again, my point was that it's hypocritical - and nasty - of her to bang on about her stepdaughter's weight problem while denying the reality of her own.

Her point has simply been that she doesn’t feel it’s appropriate for her DH to mention it or her DD.

Rubicon80 · 13/08/2019 20:35

I didn’t say anything rude

I have a copy of your post that was deleted. You're lying and you know it.

TatianaLarina · 13/08/2019 21:02

Not lying. And not at all weird that you’re copying posts.

DonnaDarko · 13/08/2019 21:10

I have an aunt who would say "you've put on weight" every single fucking time I saw her.

Last time I saw, she commented that ive lost weight (yay!) But still bloody annoying.

I wouldn't mention it tbh. I'd maybe tell them about some great healthy recipes I've found and encourage them to do yoga (my drug of choice)

Rubicon80 · 13/08/2019 21:14

@TatianaLarina Not lying. And not at all weird that you’re copying posts.

A copy of it was sent to me by MNHQ when they confirmed they were deleting it.

They deleted it because you told me to go and punch myself in the face.

Or are you going to carry on lying about it?

TatianaLarina · 13/08/2019 21:24

That’s not what I said - I said you were clearly spoiling for a fight thus to punch yourself - (ie as opposed to taking pot shots at everyone else.)

I don’t think that’s rude it’s just stating a fact. You seem determined to make OP’s thread about you and be aggressive to other posters.

Rubicon80 · 13/08/2019 21:25

You're saying that you didn't tell me to punch myself in the face?

Why do you think MNHQ deleted your post?

TatianaLarina · 13/08/2019 21:27

I’m saying you took the comment out of context.

I stand by the fact you are very clearly looking for a fight.

Rubicon80 · 13/08/2019 21:29

I’m saying you took the comment out of context.

No, you said that you didn't say it. You're lying.

I'm not looking for a fight. I expressed my opinion without insulting anyone or being rude, gave evidence for what I was saying, asked reasonable questions.

In response, you told me to go and punch myself in the face. You were deleted for saying this. You're now lying about it.

TatianaLarina · 13/08/2019 21:35

I said ‘that’s not what I said’ because it wasn’t. You took my words out of context.

You were aggressive to the OP, now you’re being aggressive to me. You’ve already been told not to be ‘an arsehole’ once.

Whatever your problems are - start your own thread.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5