Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell dh not to mention dd weight

103 replies

CuriousMama · 13/08/2019 16:06

Dh has a dd who is an adult with dcs. She's putting weight on especially around her middle. Dh said he's going to have to mention it as he's worried about diabetes.

I said not too as she'll be well aware of her weight problem and one likes being told this. Also she'll be embarrassed.

Who's right? I know it's his dd but I just think it's wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
CuriousMama · 13/08/2019 16:28

Jemima I know there are plenty of obese hcps about. One as wide as she was tall mentioned my weight. I'm not even that much overweight and am toned as I hike. I just laughed.

OP posts:
HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 13/08/2019 16:29

Its not like he's going to go over and call her fat, there are more diplomatic ways of broaching the subject. He is rightly concerned about the prospect of diabetes and despite her being an adult she's still his daughter and he's trying to look out for her. It's not helpful at all if everyone just buries their heads in the sand and ignores it.

OrchidInTheSun · 13/08/2019 16:34

What do you think it's going to achieve HeadsDown? Has anyone ever lost weight because someone has pointed out they're fat? I doubt it

UpToonGirl · 13/08/2019 16:34

How much weight are we talking about 1/2 stones and a bit of a tum after children is normal and while it would possibly be advisable to try and get back to pre-dc weight not worth upsetting her and causing a rift.

4 stones plus is a different situation, although I don't know how it could be brought up without upsetting her and possibly pushing her away.

thecatneuterer · 13/08/2019 16:35

There are plenty of obese nurses and doctors around.

Of course there are - but I bet they are well aware they need to lose weight. There can't be many people who are overweight because it hasn't occurred to them that it's a problem - they are overweight because losing/controlling weight is difficult.

HappyHammy · 13/08/2019 16:35

Right. I thought dcs might be some sort of health issue. If there is a history of diabetes in the family they could discuss that, otherwise he should really think about what's he hoping to achieve. She will know she has put weight on, shes an hcp and knows the risks. Why did you laugh when the hcp mentioned your weight.

gingersausage · 13/08/2019 16:35

Oh my fucking god are you actually serious?

Just don’t. A grown woman’s weight is absolutely none of his (or your) business. I’m still recovering from a 20 year eating disorder caused in part by my mother's obsession with my weight. Just butt out.

HappyHammy · 13/08/2019 16:37

Any chance she could be pregnant

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 13/08/2019 16:37

Has anyone ever lost weight because someone has pointed out they're fat? I doubt it

Errrm plenty of people have lost weight because someone has mentioned their weight to them. Not everyone wakes up one morning and realises they need to lose weight.

BarbedBloom · 13/08/2019 16:38

I don't think it would achieve anything to be honest but may affect their relationship. If my dad said that to me I would tell him to mind his own business. Fat people know they are fat, they may underestimate how much has gone on, but you can't deny it when your clothes don't fit anymore. Plus if she ever sees a GP you can bet they will mention it whatever she has gone in for.

Or you could do what my DH's mum did when I put on a few pounds and give her a quarter of a chicken breast and two baby new potatoes for dinner. Grin

Original poster
CuriousMama · 13/08/2019 16:38

HappyH i laughed because I'm fit toned and hardly overweight whereas she was chronically obese. I'm probably overweight because BMI is sometimes wrong for fit people.

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 13/08/2019 16:38

I think it would be totally inappropriate.

If anyone mentions it it should be you, but even so it’s fairly invasive.

VanGoghsDog · 13/08/2019 16:38

I do think that parents are responsible for discussing the health aspects of being overweight with their children

I'm 51 - it drives me mad when my parents comment on my weight. I don't comment on theirs and at their age they are far more likely to suffer weight related ill health issues!

Original poster
CuriousMama · 13/08/2019 16:39

No not pg.

OP posts:
Original poster
CuriousMama · 13/08/2019 16:40

Tatiana I'm step mum so no way would I mention it. Her own dm might have?

OP posts:
SalrycLuxx · 13/08/2019 16:41

My dad has finally learned not to mention my weight (which is actually ok). Shame he didn’t manage that in my adolescence and instead compared me to my very thin mother constantly. Didn’t give me a complex at all...Hmm

Original poster
CuriousMama · 13/08/2019 16:41

Anyway I've told him the majority of mn are with me and he said you're right as am I Smile

OP posts:
dollydaydream114 · 13/08/2019 16:41

People saying 'Well, it doesn't matter that she's HCP, there are plenty of fat ones...'

Yes, there are. They also know they are fat and know the risks of weight gain, as I'm sure OP's stepdaughter does. Being told what they already know by their dad isn't necessary.

Also a bit weird that so many people here seem to be assuming there must be something wrong if she's put weight on. Maybe she's absolutely fine, and isn't as paranoid about a bit of podge as the rest of you? I've put on weight at many times in my life and no point has it been because I've been unhappy … quite the opposite, mostly.

Winterlife · 13/08/2019 16:42

He should say nothing. She knows she is overweight. She knows the risks. She has likely been to a doctor who has said something about her weight. His saying something will have the opposite effect - it's just another stress that will increase her food consumption.

SleepIsForTheWeeak · 13/08/2019 16:42

I'd be telling him to keep his mouth shut! My mum once told my brother he'd piled on weight and needed to lose it (she's no stick insect and comments on any weight up or down!). My brother was fully aware he'd piled 3 stone on and didn't need it pointing out to him, all it did was cause upset. There is no need to tell someone they've put on weight, it's impossible not to be aware, so apart from making someone feel like shit you achieve nothing.

SequinedTortoise · 13/08/2019 16:43

I've found with relatives directly saying anything is unhelpful and only going to elicit defensiveness or resentment.

Instead, promoting an active lifestyle and talking about what you are doing. E.g. saying (insert family member or friend's name) has been great at keeping active, I'm so glad he is doing more tennis and watching his calories as I've been reading so much about health risks and he seems really keen to watch his weight.
Can trigger something in their mind of 'if X is doing it, so can I!'

Also think about logistics. With DC is it very hard to find time to exercise. Can you babysit for her once a week to give her time to go to a class?

Original poster
CuriousMama · 13/08/2019 16:43

dollydaydream I'm the same. I just love food but luckily I now eat healthier and exercise more. Less take aways help too. Never has my mood reflected my weight.

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 13/08/2019 16:44

Tatiana I'm step mum so no way would I mention it. Her own dm might have?

Oh yes of course. It’s up to her to mention it, and maybe she already has. It’s still a bit weird though. It’s no-one else’s business.

HappyHammy · 13/08/2019 16:44

Laughing at an overweight hcp isn't very nice, she could have health issues or be on medication. I wouldnt say anything unless she is concerned herself.

Userplusnumbers · 13/08/2019 16:45

No one in the history of the world has ever been prompted into action by the 'concerned' relative. She'll be well aware of what she looks like - all he's going to achieve is to embarrass and shame her.