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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell dh not to mention dd weight

103 replies

CuriousMama · 13/08/2019 16:06

Dh has a dd who is an adult with dcs. She's putting weight on especially around her middle. Dh said he's going to have to mention it as he's worried about diabetes.

I said not too as she'll be well aware of her weight problem and one likes being told this. Also she'll be embarrassed.

Who's right? I know it's his dd but I just think it's wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
CuriousMama · 13/08/2019 16:45

I laughed at her going on about my weight tbh. I didn't point out her weight.

OP posts:
OrchidInTheSun · 13/08/2019 16:47

Really Heads? I don't know anyone who has.

Happymum12345 · 13/08/2019 16:48

It would be like telling someone that smokes that it’s bad for them. She knows she’s overweight. Telling her you’ve noticed will only make her feel down.

nutellalove · 13/08/2019 16:48

I actually think he should tactfully and gently mention it.

LetsSplashMummy · 13/08/2019 16:51

If she's busy and the children are small, could you offer practical help instead of commenting on her weight?

Did she used to run/go to the gym/do yoga etc pre kids? You could say something about how she doesn't get much time to herself, there's a yoga class near you, and she can stick kids in with you while she goes? That sort of thing, offer help but be led by her.

I think it's okay to say someone seems tired/ stressed/ not themselves and offer to help - no need to talk about weight specifically.

Isitweekendyet · 13/08/2019 16:51

There’s a difference between saying she looks fat or saying she looks ill, which is it?

‘Sweetheart, how are you feeling? You’ve looked really run down lately, make sure you’re taking care of yourself. Can we watch the kids this weekend so you can have some time to yourself?’

Will go far better than.

‘God, you’ve put on weight! Make sure you’re not eating too much!’

If she’s got young kids, working a high stress job and balancing a home life chances are her own health and diet are the least of her priorities.

BazaarMum · 13/08/2019 16:52

Is she actually over weight? Or is she a usually slim person whose put on a few pounds?

I’d heavily counsel against saying anything. MIL polices our weight and it has really damaged our relationship with her. It’s horribly intrusive. I’ve always been slim (size 8-10) as has DH. During childbearing years I sometimes went up to a size 12, say, but was never overweight. MIL would ALWAYS mention this weight gain, and I found it so rude. I was fine with my size and always lost the weight when I was ready, but it made me feel very conscious and I just avoided seeing her. She now does the same to DH, who is a healthy weight, by no longer a 20 year old twig. He’s also hugely offended by the implication he’s getting fat when he’s not!

Seriously, tell your DH to leave well alone, unless she’s suddenly become morbidly obese, which it doesn’t sound like...

cranstonmanor · 13/08/2019 16:52

@nutellalove
Why? Surely she knows if she is fat. There is no point in telling people that they're fat. It certainly doesn't make them skinnyer, if anything it will increase comfort eating.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 13/08/2019 16:53

Really Heads? I don't know anyone who has.

Yes really, I know at least 4 people off the top of my head who have lost weight after its been pointed out by a relative or close friend. Each time it was done kindly but they only mentioned it at all because they were worried about the person in questions health.

I think as another poster said sometimes if no one says anything then you think you must look fine or maybe its all in your head, especially when so many people are obese its easy to think I look like everyone else so I must be ok.

beccarocksbaby · 13/08/2019 16:54

If she's an adult it's literally none of his business.

Kaddm · 13/08/2019 16:58

She’ll be well aware and most likely feel really shit about it already. She’ll be busy and stressed. Mentioning it will probably make her feel worse.

If he really wants to help her weight, he should make sure that he is supporting her generally. Does she have babysitting for potential trips to the gym? Does she have money for a membership? What else is consuming massive amounts of her time and energy?

It’s most likely she’s looking after others and doesn’t have time to look after herself. And then to receive comments about her weight...not going to go well.

NavyBlueHue · 13/08/2019 16:58

@CuriousMama honestly, if as an adult my parents came to me and told me I’d put on weight, I’d go mad and tell them to mind their own business. I’d be furious and tell them my weight is sweet FA to do with them.

JemimaPuddlePeacock · 13/08/2019 16:59

I mentioned earlier in the thread how I’m someone who lost weight when my dad mentioned it. So only gotta RTFT to find an example!

Some really nasty language about slim people used on here: twig, stick insect... from people who I’m sure wouldn’t be impressed with posters saying ‘lard arse’ ‘fatty’ ‘heifer’ etc. There’s really no need to be derogatory about someone’s weight.

fromthefloorboardsup · 13/08/2019 16:59

I'm overweight, have been for a while. I know I am and I would be really upset if either of my parents mentioned to me (without me bringing it up). I already feel awful about it most of the time and try to avoid thinking about it too much, I definitely don't need someone to point it out to me. My great aunt always tells me how fat I am and all it does is make me feel worse about both myself and her!

ElizaPancakes · 13/08/2019 17:01

I’m 37 and fat. I know I’m fat. Other people know I’m fat. You can see me!

Yet my dad decided to ‘talk to me’ about my weight when he saw me last, like I’m not aware of it. I get that it comes under the guise of concern, but I don’t actually want to be fat, but I am because I lack motivation to not be fat. Him telling me he is concerned does literally nothing to change that aside from irritating me.

So YANBU and your husband should not say anything.

nutellalove · 13/08/2019 17:01

@cranstonmanor I was overweight, sort of knew it but was in denial. Once the doctor told me I needed to lose weight it gave me the focus I needed to embark on a proper weight loss regime and find out how best I could lose weight (I was already active and didn't eat very unhealthily even when overweight). And from that point I lost 15kg in 6 months. I think had I not been told I wouldn't have made the changes to be honest.

jesuschristwtf · 13/08/2019 17:02

Depends on the relationship that he has with his daughter - I wouldn’t have an issue of either of my parents brought it up (I am also married with children) but we have a good relationship. If his relationship isn’t great it could be taken the wrong way.

30to50FeralHogs · 13/08/2019 17:10

I've put on weight at many times in my life and no point has it been because I've been unhappy … quite the opposite, mostly.

Me too! I was at my thinnest after my divorce, through no effort on my part, just stress. Happy as Larry now with DP and I’m probably at my heaviest ever (as is he!).

Cherrysoup · 13/08/2019 17:15

Your DP should keep his mouth shut. His dd is an adult who has the brain to know her weight might be an issue for her.

Jeezoh · 13/08/2019 17:19

I get skinny when I get stressed, not fat! Unless she’s got vision problems, she’ll be aware of her weight and he should hold his tongue

lovelookslikethis · 13/08/2019 17:26

There is nothing AT ALL to be gained by having 'a word', she will take huge offence, and it could cause a falling out. Perhaps even a permanent rift. I advise strongly against it.

As her father he should be offering her unconditional love, no judgement and if he is that worried meeting up with her for walks, cooking her the odd healthy supper if she is worn out with her dc.

She is an adult not a child, your dh is no longer responsible for health or wellbeing, so he should leave the subject well alone.

Camomila · 13/08/2019 17:28

I told DH he was getting a bit of a tummy recently, as his dad has T2 diabetes and he is S E Asian so higher risk anyway.
He said "yeah, you're right, it's probably 'cause I'm in the office now instead of walking around doing shifts" and then he switched to eating fruit and yoghurt at home instead of a croissant by work.

So I don't think it's automatically bad to point out weight/health issues to loved ones, but I think with women there tend to be more emotional issues attached which makes it trickier.

I guess it depends on your family/culture. DM/my aunties/my nonna all think nothing of telling me I'm looking skinny or a bit chubby and I'm not fazed by it.

Winterlife · 13/08/2019 17:29

@nutellalove, it is far different to be told by a physician than by a parent.

Foxyloxy1plus1 · 13/08/2019 17:33

I think it’s quite uncaring to allow people to continue to put on weight and convince themselves that they haven’t, or that it’s not that much. I also think that people who are overweight underestimate how overweight they are very often. There are plenty of HCPs who are overweight and she might not have realised how much she has gained.

I’m not sure your DH is the best person to mention it though. Maybe her mum could broach the subject with her.

OrchidInTheSun · 13/08/2019 17:33

if no one says anything then you think you must look fine or maybe its all in your head, especially when so many people are obese its easy to think I look like everyone else so I must be ok.

No, this isn't how it works.

Fat shaming is shitty behaviour. Always. And always done in the guise of kindness

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