Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Competitive child

93 replies

Glovesick · 13/08/2019 09:05

My DD and best friend also 5 are at holiday clubs together. I am taking and collecting all week.

Friend is a boastful child, my DD is cautious, doesn't like too much praise in case she can't live up to it, but is quietly confident in her abilities, so long as he can practice and master them away from an audience. Friend invites praise for absolutely everything, from putting her own seatbelt on to doing her coat up.

I absolutely hate it. At pick up yesterday, I asked if they had a good day, friend said "yes, I was better than DD at x". This morning she was telling me her mum worked much harder than I do, her kitchen is better, she can do x y z better than DD. Then there is the " Can DD do this, because I can and I bet she can't".

I have said repeatedly I don't want to hear it, everyone has things they are good at. I have told her parents, who say "yeah, friend, don't do that".

It is exhausting. My DD has learnt to ignore it and doesn't retaliate. I have to bite my tongue.

Anyone found a good way to deal with this?

OP posts:

usernamerisnotavailable · 13/08/2019 11:40

My DS (9) has a friend like this. He's becoming quite unpopular at school because of it, as the children get older. He also cries if he doesn't win at either an individual or team sport.

If he's been at ours I just reiterate what I say to my children... as long as you tried your hardest and did your best that's all that matters. Wining isn't everything. What have you learned from it etc. Not sure it had made any difference as my DS told me he's got a nickname at school along the lines of boastey the mosty. But it shushes him up when he's at my house. For a bit.

I think as your DD gets older she and her other friends will be the ones to comment or pull back.

FishCanFly · 13/08/2019 12:17

sounds like a typical 5yo behaviour. You could come back with "Do you help your mother in the kitchen as much as DD does?" or "Can you have manners like DD does?"

messolini9 · 13/08/2019 12:39

My DD has learnt to ignore it and doesn't retaliate.

Then she has mastered a valuable life skill, & is doing brilliantly, especially for such a youngster.

Maybe she will grow out of the friendship ... either way, 'friend' will soon get the sharp edges knocked off by other, less patient kids.

edwinbear · 13/08/2019 12:44

DS also has one at school. I remember him crowing over DS aged 6/7 for beating him in the 200m at sports day. He used to be one of the popular kids but these days most of them give him a wide berth, he doesn't get invited to play dates or parties because the other children dislike him so much.

He also gets consistently beaten in sprints, long distance and swimming by DS who made it his mission to out perform him

GreenTulips · 13/08/2019 12:47

Why do you call her a best friend? She clearly isn’t! Drop the title.

HeyMonkey · 13/08/2019 12:49

I'd probably just keep repeating "It's very rude to keep saying you are better than other children".

Original poster

Glovesick · 13/08/2019 12:52

Thanks for responses.

I don't want to model the behaviour i want to stop by saying "well DD is better than you at x y z" - and there are lots of things I could say

Friend is also severely overweight so suspect her behaviour comes from feeling inferior in that respect

Oh and she can't lose. The tantrums are phenomenal if she realises she isn't as good at something or loses a game of snap or whatever.

She is a lot of fun when not behaving like this, which is why the friendship survives.

I have also been told her mummy is a better mummy than I am. I find it hard to deal with this unbelievable rudeness, even at 5 years old.

OP posts:

jesuschristwtf · 13/08/2019 12:55

my daughter has a friend like this - shes always saying all sorts of strange stuff -the more recnet ones were, 'oh, you dont have Lelli Kelly (sp) shoes? youre not good enough like me.' - my initial reaction was, god those LK are so ugly you couldnt pay me to buy them but i just told my daughter to ignore it. Another one is reading levels - apparently this girl is some sort of reading genius who was free reading since 3 or something and goes on and on about how great she is. My daughter just plays with other children now.

lavenderbluedilly · 13/08/2019 12:56

A little princess. It’s her parents’ fault, and sadly they are setting her up to be rather unpopular as she gets older.

Original poster

Glovesick · 13/08/2019 13:11

Haha reading levels made me laugh. Friend was full of how marvellous she is. I refused to tell her what level DD is at but then she saw her book from school had to find out my DD is 3 levels ahead...

Why do some parents not realise how awful it is for their kids to be so competitive?! I don't know anyone that thinks boasting is attractive behaviour

OP posts:

womblessofwimbledon · 13/08/2019 13:13

I'd have to say something to her about The my mummy is a better mummy than you- something along the lines of - how rude, it really isn't nice to boast and you'll end up not having friends if you continue. Be blunt kids don't get subtle.

The lelli Kelly thing- I'm sure they had a advert on kids tv that basically said if you don't have their shoes you aren't good enough - I remember thinking how vile. They are revolting

Yabbers · 13/08/2019 13:21

Friend is also severely overweight so suspect her behaviour comes from feeling inferior in that respect

Yeah, you lost with this one.

What a perfectly awful thing to say.

Yabbers · 13/08/2019 13:24

I refused to tell her what level DD is at but then she saw her book from school had to find out my DD is 3 levels ahead...

I don't know anyone that thinks boasting is attractive behaviour

munemema · 13/08/2019 13:26

I think you're far too worried about what a 5yo is saying.

If,as you so kindly, suspect, she does have an inferiority complex, then perhaps the extra praise is what she needs. Perhaps you could give it to her without her asking?

Your DD is obviously fine with it, at 5yo, they find it very easy to drop a friend who makes them unhappy,

Atlasta · 13/08/2019 13:43

My DS(9) has a classmate like this. They became quite close friends at one point last year.
Friend was very boastful and would try and make out he was better than my DS.
He would come to my house and say his toys were better than my son's and that he was better at everything than my DS. He would also make up stories to get my son into trouble and run out of school to tell me if my DS had done something wrong or got told off before I'd even seen my DS.
DS soon got sick of him.
The mother was vulgar and tried to compete her son against my DS and acted as if her son was fabulous. She was also obsessed with spelling results and reading levels.( She looked crest-fallen each and every time as my DS was way ahead academically. I really wished she would stop asking).
By this point DS really didn't want to be friends with this boy who was really quite horrible with zero social skills or manners and I found the mother (who had taken to inviting herself to my house) draining.
I'd be stopping the picking ups and collecting. Just say it's no longer working for you to pick up this girl. I'd also be stopping the play dates. Your DD might like this friend now but I wouldn't be allowing her to potentially affect my dd's self-esteem and overshadow her. Let them play at school.
It would seem to me there are parenting and self-esteem issues with this little girl.

Mumsymumphy · 13/08/2019 13:43

My DS had a friend like this.

At 5 years old the odd comment is understandable, but when it's constant and continues past the ages of 8,9, 10 it becomes a deeply unpleasant character trait.

I used to see my son's face sink when said friend used to say he was taller, better, older, had this, had that, bet you can't do this, bet you haven't got that. He'd start as soon as he walked through our front door.

Turned out dad was the same - he had the best car, was the best driver, you are a shit driver (he'd never seen me drive?? bizarre) blah blah blah. I challenged him saying "Does it make you feel better to put other people down?" He said he didn't care.

Mumsymumphy · 13/08/2019 13:50

Both were 'only children' too, wonder if that can also be a factor too?? Nothing like an older sibling to put you in your place.

Atlasta · 13/08/2019 13:52

I'm an only child and was never like that!

Mintjulia · 13/08/2019 13:53

Ds has a friend like this. I just say “I’m sure everyone did brilliantly” and then change the subject.

It took all last summer & Xmas for him to get the idea but he seems to be growing out of it. I do it in front of his mum too.

Mumsymumphy · 13/08/2019 13:56

No I'm not saying ALL 'only children' are like that, just merely wondering if it can be a factor in it, in that they have no other siblings to give them a reality check or compare themselves to.

GreenTulips · 13/08/2019 14:02

I’d also stop the play dates, otherwise she’ll be so unpopular and your DD will struggle to find others to play with.

This mum will move on quickly and find another mug to pick up and collect etc

Sceptre86 · 13/08/2019 14:08

I would stop with the plat dates. How does it benefit your daughter to feel inferior or be put down by this other child even at 5? If it annoys you as an adult it might well upset her as a child but she is able to mask it? I don't think this is a great friendship for toyr child so I wouldn't actively encourage it by participating in play dates or retaking and collecting the child. Maybe then it will get through to the parents that they need to attempt to curb this behaviour as it is not a nice trait.

Sceptre86 · 13/08/2019 14:09

*your
Play not play dates

FudgeBrownie2019 · 13/08/2019 14:13

We know a family whose DC are similar ages to ours and they're terrors for competing. Last week the Mum came to a sport they all attend and told me a bare faced lie about how her child was in the set above one of mine because "they're so much better" then was clearly caught out when an instructor replied that her child was in the junior group because they simply didn't work as hard as they should be doing. It shows where their DC get it from, but aside from laughing it off I've no idea. Hers had a tantrum at the group when they didn't do it right and, watching the Mum, it makes complete sense because rather than say "come on, get back up" and dusting off her child with a laugh (which is how I've learned to handle children who've struggled to engage in sport) off she shouted at the coach.

I think a lot of competitive behaviour comes from insecurity (we're a competitive family against one another, but not against outsiders) and you can't change someone else's child's confidence levels enough to make much of a difference. Teaching yours to handle other children's behaviours with indifference/confidence is far easier than trying to alter other people's DC.

lavenderbluedilly · 13/08/2019 14:14

Most of the children I’ve encountered who are like this tend to be the youngest where there is a larger gap between them and the next child up.

Flip

1 2 3 4