Competitive child

[Glovesick]

My DD and best friend also 5 are at holiday clubs together. I am taking and collecting all week.

Friend is a boastful child, my DD is cautious, doesn't like too much praise in case she can't live up to it, but is quietly confident in her abilities, so long as he can practice and master them away from an audience. Friend invites praise for absolutely everything, from putting her own seatbelt on to doing her coat up.

I absolutely hate it. At pick up yesterday, I asked if they had a good day, friend said "yes, I was better than DD at x". This morning she was telling me her mum worked much harder than I do, her kitchen is better, she can do x y z better than DD. Then there is the " Can DD do this, because I can and I bet she can't".

I have said repeatedly I don't want to hear it, everyone has things they are good at. I have told her parents, who say "yeah, friend, don't do that".

It is exhausting. My DD has learnt to ignore it and doesn't retaliate. I have to bite my tongue.

Anyone found a good way to deal with this?

Dd has one of these. Parents quietly desperate for their kids to be best at sports. The dd is 10 and still has massive tantrums if something doesn’t work out for her at the sport. She also lashes out and hits the other girls if she doesn’t win. She is getting quite isolated as the girls won’t accept this.

Sounds like friend may or may not grow out if it. As I said, she has a fun side to her which is why the friendship continues.

The problem seems to be worse when her parents are around, which I find odd, as most kids are better behaved inside the home and little beasts to their parents.

I think her parents must tell her she is a genius, as some of the stuff she comes out with is definitely something an adult will have told her (like her advanced literacy and numeracy skills she thinks she has). She is bright but it is probably an adult giving her the idea that this is a thing to boast about, and not sure it is school. They seem to be very anti boasting and children are told not to compare their work or talk about what level they are at this or that.

Some don't learn and continue as adults. I had a friend who constantly compared my DD with her's (mine is 3 months older), she could crawl before mine, walk, run (she was falling over), potty train (although used to constantly wet herself everywhere so mine was done and dusted earlier). At the age of 19 months I remember being told she could count to 60 (she couldn't obviously and didn't know what the words meant). My friend used to say she was prettier than my DD, mine was fatter than hers (that would be her insecurities creeping out) and cleverer. I dumped her. Have heard child thinks she's some kind of progidy, but needs tutoring as can't keep up, struggles with friends and isn't so slim anymore...oh well!

Yes Imstressed;
Do you praise your DS a lot?
I have heard a parenting philosophy which is that for every one criticism you should praise your child 10 times.
I am coming to realise that although this sounds nice, it can be counterproductive if you end up praising your child for inconsequential things. I’m not saying be critical, but just unearned praise can be unhelpful.
I only ask because it sounds like you are not modelling the boasting behaviour and are trying to tackle it.

Cutie. That’s so sad.
I feel really sorry for both the mum and the kid.
Sometimes you just need to be away from that toxic crap though.

It's five year old behaviour why should it bother you ? . Your the adult, she is the child , just don't listen, block it out :)

Does anyone else ever read threads and responses and just think "the whole world should just do what I tell them to?" (whilst forgetting I never did that myself!)

The poor kid is 5. That is just a baby. I get it's hugely irksome. But the kid is only 5 years old.

So the first thing you do is have a chat with your own 5 yr old. You check they're not being upset.

If they're not, you let all this GO. And remind yourself this is you, not them.
If they are:
You have a conversation about WHY the friend may be being like this.
You reassure your own kid.

You then (with your child) come up with some tactics.

That might be nodding and winking along with your own child [I'm putting this first because this is what would have worked with mine]. "YES, 'friend'.... You are SOOOOOOOOOO much better than 'own-child'. Well done!" (said whilst winking at own child not-so-subtally).

You might (with your own child's knowledge and consent) just praise them to the roof! "Oh... You REALLY painted the best picture today? That's amazing. Well done.... Yes, that really IS the best picture in the world, isn't it". Then you walk the child into their home. Show the picture to parents. Reiterate how amazing it is... better than any renaissance or impressionist rubbish. Insist they remove whatever crap they've got on their walls in order to replace it with this GENIUS. Go back out and laugh like a drain with your kid in the car!

Sarcasm. This isn't particularly nice for a 5 year old. "Yes... that's AMAZING. Well done. I hope you also rescued unicorns?"

Or, be REALLY grown up about it... "That's SUPER, 'friend', well done! Now, who can think of something that 'my-child' did today to be proud of? Prize for the winner..." (prize = big clap/happy smile)

Or, you are properly grown up (unlike me!) and praise the child as they wished, and make them feel good. And then talk to your child when you're alone. XXX said they painted a great picture, and it was lovely. But I REALLY loved the sky you painted in your picture... I thought that was beautiful. Can I put it on the fridge?

RedHatsDoNotSuitMe

Much easier to get a new friend and not have to deal with this constant crap

She's 5. She's still learning all this stuff. Do her a favour and just tell her the truth - that it's not kind to compare yourself to people that way and it might make some people not want to be her friend so she should pack it in.

The little girl sounds insecure but tbh op sounds insecure also, by being so bothered about it and justifying alot. One is an adult, one is 5.

"My mummy is better than your mummy, my house is better than your house."

"I'm sorry you feel that way, perhaps you shouldn't visit any more."

@TheInventorofToasterStreudel she's 5 ... hardly insulting the family home. Do people seriously get worked up about what a 5 year old says?

I think redhats tactics are unkind

This kind of behaviour continues unless the parents stop it. I would simply ignore her boasting or just say something non committal like hmmmm.
My DD has a friend who is 10 who is always told, she’s the best, she’s a princess, she’s the most intelligent and so on. It’s so unpleasant to hear her come out of activities and boast in front of everyone that she was the best, the fastest she was told her hair was the nicest etc. The other girls are cottoning into this now and eye rolling it, but if she doesn’t rein it in by high school she’ll struggle.

Not at all, just not up for small children being rude to adults who are hosting them. I will happily admit that I am extremely irritable and intolerant at the moment!

I had this with one of my son’s friends . He would come to my house and be faster, bounce higher , heck even his nerf bullets hit harder .
My son got fed up one day in the car and said,” I know you’re a good runner ( he really is fab ) but I’m a better reader and a better swimmer and I’ve never once said that to you, so can you please stop trying to make me feel bad, it’s rude and bad manners .”
I mentioned the “ we don’t like boasting in our house “ and tbh I’ve not been aware of anything since . He’s a lovely child and my son’s best friend . He was copying behaviour he’d seen at home .

Pull the child up on it , yes she’s only little but they’re never too young to learn the art of social graces .

They had a new friend over one day last term and he started to boast about something . Son’s best friend piped up “ No , purple tigers doesn’t like boasting, she’ll tell you off!”
😂

She’s 5! It’s a symptom of insecurity and poor parenting.