My oldest child Niece was like this from a very young age. Sadly even at 6, it was putting a lot of the adults in the family off her and they’d come out with things like “I cannot take to that little girl. She’s such a brag and she glowers at you if you don’t agree she’s the best thing since sliced bread at everything.” Even though I was only a teenager myself I kept reminding them she was a child and a family member and the adults should be ashamed of their attitude to her.
Unfortunately the boasting, bragging and superiority continued. I’m probably the closest of all the family to her but if ever I do well at something or look nice at an event, she stops talking to me! She’s incredibly jealous of other girls and will do the same thing of not talking to them if they look nice or if they are good at the same hobbies as her. Eg, if she has to watch another girl do a dance solo at her college she glowers and looks murderous and will stop speaking to anyone who says the girl did a good job. When she’s round for dinner, I have to listen to her go on while I’m cooking saying “and EVERYONE was saying that I was the most beautiful girl at the party and this local beauty queen was saying “you’re stunning, you’re so stunning, really it’s you who should be the beauty queen. Whenever I’m around you I feel so in awe of you because everything about you is flawless.” or “everyone says I’m the best dancer in town and that i’ll be on the TV. Katie only got on the TV because her Dad’s brother’s friend knows someone and he pushed her forward. People were saying it was a travesty. An absolute travesty. They were all saying they were in tears for me. When I did the solo at the talent competition everyone was crying and I got a standing ovation because I was so good.”
Did I mention she’s 18?
I’d agree with a previous poster that she’s had a desperately unhappy childhood and as a result she puts on an air of bravado and superiority to everyone. She’s started to twig that it’s not working out for her and it’s very very sad. At her college leaving events, 18th etc she didn’t have many people who wanted to invite her or be there or go with her to things. She’s started to realise she won’t be famous and that she’s going to have to work and not have things handed to a plate very, very recently and it’s come as a huge shock. She always thought she wouldn’t have to study because she was going to be world famous.
I think it was a coping method for her growing up, escaping to a world where she was more beautiful, talented and special than everyone else. Disturbingly there is also a big “I can out drink/out shock/out risk taking behaviour everyone” going on too.
My sibling did play a huge role in all of this and there’s definitely an attitude of “no one can ever say anything negative about my oldest child” and the younger siblings are scapegoats who are constantly criticised. Niece was never ever told no. Unfortunately, she’s now realising the world often gives you no’s and can’t handle it.
There’s a fine line. I was brought up to never ever tell anyone about my achievements, to turn down opportunities, to hide away. When big success came my way, I didn’t know how to handle it as I didn’t have the personality to talk myself up or the ability to handle the attention that came with it. Everything was labelled as attention seeking, no one likes a show off behaviour and I was told I must be humble, seen but not heard. NEVER tell anyone your results/achievements etc. It made me into a pushover, who has turned down incredible opportunities and never felt worthy of success or, crucially, love. Even now, I don’t even tell immediate family members when I’m on TV or playing a lead in a show that they could come and see me in. I’ve never been able to handle relationships because I don’t like attention, I’m ok giving but can’t receive so I’ve ended up in one sided relationships with cold, cruel men.
I think in both cases, brags and chronically shy kids, if we’d been loved for who we were a bit more and given safety and stability in knowing we were appreciated just for being there, alive then we would have turned out different. Well adjusted with no need to neither brag or shy away.
The child is unhappy. She’s being raised in a dysfunctional way. I wish I’d told my niece that it’s rude to boast and put others down at 5 but also ask her why she thought she did that. I’ve not done her any favours as she’s now an unhappy young adult. You are also creating an unfortunate situation with your own DD where she’ll feel crap about herself if this “friend” is continuing to boast around her at her expense. Do say “it’s not friendly to say x about dd. Dd is wonderful at many things but we know it’s very rude to boast. It’s great that you are confident but really confident and kind people don’t have to put others down to feel better about themselves. You are special but so is everyone, including DD. If you continue to be unkind to DD then maybe we should stop play dates etc until you change your behaviour.”