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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Competitive child

93 replies

Glovesick · 13/08/2019 09:05

My DD and best friend also 5 are at holiday clubs together. I am taking and collecting all week.

Friend is a boastful child, my DD is cautious, doesn't like too much praise in case she can't live up to it, but is quietly confident in her abilities, so long as he can practice and master them away from an audience. Friend invites praise for absolutely everything, from putting her own seatbelt on to doing her coat up.

I absolutely hate it. At pick up yesterday, I asked if they had a good day, friend said "yes, I was better than DD at x". This morning she was telling me her mum worked much harder than I do, her kitchen is better, she can do x y z better than DD. Then there is the " Can DD do this, because I can and I bet she can't".

I have said repeatedly I don't want to hear it, everyone has things they are good at. I have told her parents, who say "yeah, friend, don't do that".

It is exhausting. My DD has learnt to ignore it and doesn't retaliate. I have to bite my tongue.

Anyone found a good way to deal with this?

OP posts:

SummerHouse · 13/08/2019 14:14

I wonder if it's bravado especially if many of the boasts are untrue. So based on insecurity?

I would think of all the things a 5 yr old can't do and show off in front of her. E.g. "look, I can juggle with THREE balls, see, bet you can't do that. I am so much better at juggling than you..." Then follow her around all day juggling various items. But then I am a nasty bastard.

elliollie · 13/08/2019 14:14

Ds3 (8) is very competitive. He isn't boastful, at least, not within my earshot. He is, however, a terrible loser! He gets very upset if he's not the best at any sort of sport. He can play board games etc but football, rounders, running anything like that and he gets upset.
It's been hard to handle because he plays for a football team and it can embarrassing when he's only one crying and throwing himself on the ground
I do think it's had an impact (understandably) on how much time the coach has him on the pitch. We've worked hard with him to help him understand that it doesn't warrant the extreme reaction but equally, I don't want to knock out a healthy level of competitiveness! He has massively improved this season. Partly down to hard work on our part and the part of his coach and partly down to maturity. Sometimes it's no fun when your child is highly competitive.
With regards to the boasting, I think I would ignore it from the friend as much as possible with the occasional reminder that everyone is good at something. Eventually, the other kids will realise and speak up for themselves.

Jurassicmuma · 13/08/2019 14:15

My dd(4) has a 5yo friend who is just like that. It drives me up the wall that shes always trying to make dd feel inferior. I just praise my dd for things and tell her to ignore her friend. Thankfully shes quite good at ignoring it

elliollie · 13/08/2019 14:16

@FudgeBrownie2019 I would completely agree that it comes from a place of insecurity- nobody beats ds3 up as hard as he beats himself!

GreenTulips · 13/08/2019 14:19

I don't want to knock out a healthy level of competitiveness!

You’re confused, being competitive and a good sportsman are different things.

He’s competing, great, he’s a bad sportsman, he’s also a poor team member.

ShinyRuby · 13/08/2019 14:20

DD has a friend just like this & they're late teens now. She won't change & you've done the best thing by teaching your own dd to ignore her boasts. Dds friend first visited when she was 5, full of boasts of how lovely she was, how many toys she had, how lucky dd was to have her as a friend!! It was infuriating but also rather sad. I taught dd to ignore boasts & persue other friendships. They're still friends but not close as the boasting has never stopped, 5 A levels, art school in Paris....funny how it never actually happens. It's still sad, as if just being normal just isn't enough. Dd learned years ago to take it with a pinch of salt. It really is an important life skill.

Sicario · 13/08/2019 14:22

Definitely the route of explaining that it's rude to be a boastful little shit and nobody likes a show-off.

Ellisandra · 13/08/2019 14:24

@Mumsymumphy I could equally well come up with some pseudo-psychology codswallop that the child I know who is like this, is like it because she has a sibling and therefore spends her life in competition. Unlike my only child who doesn’t have to compete and she doesn’t feel second best to siblings half the time. It’s just made up nonsense!

OP, I would ignore most of it. Even by saying “well x is better at y” you’re still modelling the comparative behaviour you want to eliminate. Better to ignore, unless it’s rude - in which case, keep it simple “that was rude”.

And I very much doubt a 5yo is feeling inferior because of her weight. You’re projecting emotions.

Ravingstarfish · 13/08/2019 14:24

I was similar as a child. I was being abused and I was desperately unhappy. Most children boast and/or lie due to being unhappy.
Just say ‘that’s not a nice thing to say’ when she says she’s better or dd isn’t as good. And if dd is mature enough try to explain that some children don’t feel good enough so behave in that way.

Ohyesiam · 13/08/2019 14:25

Remind yourself( and your son too if needs be, though it sounds like he has a handle onit) that no one who feels confident and secure in themselves would do this. Friend Maya’s we’ll have a big red arrow over her head saying “ I feel shit about myself”.

Batqueen · 13/08/2019 14:29

I think I could sometimes be like this as a child, (not as bad as some of these examples) but comparing myself a lot, not intentionally trying to hurt others but made me feel good about myself when I was ahead (definitely insecure). I remember one time triumphantly pointing out to a friend that I already had the new toy she had just got and my dad quietly pointing out ‘yes, but it will still be nice for ‘x’ though won’t it’ and I realised that I did this to her a lot and suddenly felt a bit guilty, the effect on her having genuinely never occurred to me until that moment. It sounds like you are doing the right thing by constantly reinforcing that competition and comparison isn’t needed.

elliollie · 13/08/2019 14:56

@GreenTulips I don't think I'm confused. I know he isn't being a good sportsman, although, as I say, we're working hard to improve this and it is working. What I mean is, I want him to have the drive to win. Being competitive isn't a negative trait, it drives success. I don't want him to lose that but I do want him to understand that he's working as part of a team and just as he supports his team mates when they make a mistake (he does), they will do the same for him and he doesn't need to get so upset (mainly with himself).

Croquembou · 13/08/2019 14:58

I think you're far too worried about what a 5yo is saying

I can't believe more replies aren't saying this. 5! She's 5. I guess it's unfortunate that she's objectionable, but she's a very small child.

Croquembou · 13/08/2019 15:00

Friend is also severely overweight so suspect her behaviour comes from feeling inferior in that respect

Also. What the fuck. Have a word.

jellybeanteaparty · 13/08/2019 15:22

I have found countering with questions or statements that are positive and inclusive help. E.G. Did you both have fun playing, did you enjoy reading your book?

GreenTulips · 13/08/2019 16:18

I guess it's unfortunate that she's objectionable, but she's a very small child

Maybe some of us have seen these 5 year olds turn into teens? You know the ones who can’t keep friends and tantrum well past a reasonable age? Ones who parents give into them and they have an increased sense of self worth?

Or seen our own kids self esteem lessen round these types?

Yes she’s five but with a huge amount of parental input she’s not going to suddenly change for the better because OP has pulled her up on it.

Areyoufree · 13/08/2019 16:33

Oh lord, she sounds like my daughter. I keep quietly talking to her about boasting, and she is slowly toning it down (she's 7 now). It's a bit difficult for kids though, isn't it - we spend the first few years praising them for every little thing they do, then suddenly expect them to show humility! 5 is still pretty tiny though - I imagine she will tone it down as she gets older.

Jeezoh · 13/08/2019 16:57

I’d find it hard not to retort “you might be a better runner/dance/swimmer/reader but you’re also better at boasting too”. I’ve told children before that not everything in life is a competition, that’s probably a bit more tactful!

Original poster

Glovesick · 13/08/2019 17:11

About the weight thing - I am obvs not saying she IS inferior, just that I think it might be an issue for her as there have been various unhelpful remarks about it (not from me) and that has caused her insecurity. Sorry if I didn't express properly, it is a guess on my part, happy to be given another point of view on here.

I do praise her for stuff when she deserves it, same for DD, but I don't believe in over praising kids.

OP posts:

FishCanFly · 13/08/2019 17:12

With a 5yo, it's ok to remind them of manners - it's rude to criticize someone's house when you're a guest.

It's been hard to handle because he plays for a football team and it can embarrassing when he's only one crying and throwing himself on the ground
Only one? Seen how grown men behave at football?

drinkygin · 13/08/2019 17:20

Wtf...she’s 5. F I V E five. You obviously dislike this child a lot (and judge her for her weight?!) so I have no idea why you continue to encourage this friendship. Your post comes across as a stealth boast about how great your own child is in comparison to this poor kid to be honest.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 13/08/2019 17:29

Your post comes across as a stealth boast about how great your own child is in comparison to this poor kid to be honest

Don't all parents think their DC are the best children ever? That's the whole point of parenting; you get to adore the bones of them whilst simultaneously trying to ensure they don't grow into dicks. The mistake OP made was engaging in the competition and contrasting her own DC against the other.

Original poster

Glovesick · 13/08/2019 17:29

@drinkygin

Not judging on weight at all. This girl has so much going for her: loving parents, bright, given all sorts of opportunities etc. So I am just searching for a reason why she might be feeling inferior and therefore has to boast

Also sorry if my post has come across as stealth boast about my DD. She has plenty of faults and weaknesses, just they aren't relevant to mention in this context

OP posts:

SolsticeBabyMaybe · 13/08/2019 17:35

I had a friend like this in school. It turned out it was because the parents always told her she was amazing at everything, and if she got less then amazing school reports it was because teachers didn't recognise her talents. They raised a very fragile ego! Is it possible the parents are like that?

Teddybear45 · 13/08/2019 17:36

Quite often it’s the confident outspoken 5 year olds who become what anyone would view as successful as their parents encourage them to celebrate their accomplishments. What you think is annoying now will eventually polish into the ability of that girl to get noticed for her work as she gets older. We should all be encouraging kids to do this really. Quiet unconfident kids will rarely be noticed not even if they’re really bright.

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