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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for a contribution from DH for being at home with DD aaaaall summer

126 replies

absopugginglutely · 12/08/2019 15:13

I am a part time teacher and have been on summer break for the past 4 weeks.
In that time, I have been trying to be thrifty but even trips to the library, to meet her little friends and their mums in cafes, buying her the odd item of clothing when the heat wave struck, swimming, visiting, costs money.
DH is at work mon-thurs and tends not to take her swimming/ do anything that costs money with her.
I find that it’s always me driving her here and there- parks, libraries etc and I’m worse off at the end of the summer and he isn’t affected at all.
At the moment we split all the household costs proportionally to our respective earnings apart from the shopping which is 50:50

AIBU to outline this for him so he can contribute to DDs activities? Is this fair?

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Longdistance · 12/08/2019 20:16

Don’t get me started. I work term time only too.
My dh gave me £150 when I took dds up to mil’s. It obviously isn’t enough, even the petrol cost me £80+ there, back and driving around.
I’ve also have done various activities that have cost money. I’ve booked a few things ahead, but I’m still down for money. Then he wonders why my credit card bill is so high 🙄 I’m sick of it.
Reminds me of the NatWest advert.

Delatron · 12/08/2019 20:26

This is why a joint account works well. No asking for money or being ‘down’. I trust DH not to cane it! To be fair I have full control over it and he can barely remember his login.
If it goes short then it gets topped up. I wouldn’t have time to do spreadsheets to work out who paid what. Or be asking for money all the time.

You can still keep separate accounts for independence.

I guess with OP being bankrupt then the joint account can’t happen but he needs to be contributing fairly and not leaving her more short than she already is.

Longdistance · 12/08/2019 20:51

We have a joint account, but that only covers food really. Some clothes, instrumental lessons and a few school trips (which is not often). It certainly doesn’t cover school uniform including shoes, the school holidays with activities such as cinema, museums, days out on train. There’s really not much to do in our town/area, it’s piss poor.

Jinxed2 · 12/08/2019 20:58

We don’t have a joint account, but transfer money to each other etc, we see it that our money is shared money...

Purpleartichoke · 12/08/2019 21:06

He should be paying a proportional share of her expenses and he should be compensating you for lost wages. You could be working, but are Instead providing him free childcare.

Delatron · 12/08/2019 21:09

I guess it’s easier if the joint account covers all joint expenses? Otherwise someone (usually the woman) is still down. So all bills, all food, everything to do with the children, uniform, clothes etc.

Then for separate accounts it is our money to spend as we wish. So I would buy my clothes out of my own account.

SignedUpJust4This · 12/08/2019 21:17

OP this is insane. Can't believe what I'm reading.

SignedUpJust4This · 12/08/2019 21:20

How long have you been married? How old is DD? I'm doing some uick mental maths on how much you have been taken for over the years. Please do not ignore the comment about pensions. Pensions are a ticking time bomb for women like yourselves.

HillRunner · 12/08/2019 21:25

This sounds totally insane! Of course he should pay half, and the practical way to do it is to have a joint account for shared expenses (such as your DC's activities).

mindutopia · 12/08/2019 21:27

Many of those expenses should come out of a joint account that you both contribute to (according to your incomes, not 50/50). My dh and I still have separate finances and maintain our own personal accounts for most of our day to day spending, but many costs for the dc come out of our joint account, as they are joint expenses.

Of course, this isn't everything. We each have a day off in the school holidays each week (he does Mondays and I do Fridays and we have childcare the other 3 days). We do spend out of our personal accounts on these days as they are genuinely shared and we get to decide for ourselves what we want to do. But other things, like season passes, classes, activities, come out of our joint account, because why shouldn't they?

pumpkinpie01 · 12/08/2019 21:27

Separate accounts sound so complicated, I couldn't be bothered working out who pays for what . Our money is shared my DH has never queried what I spend on my DD, what I spend on a night out, friends presents anything . As long as we can afford to do nice things and save a bit he isn't bothered what's in the bank or not in the bank sometimes !

BrieAndChilli · 12/08/2019 21:35

I’m another one who doesn’t get the hole seperate finances thing. Since me and DH went travelling together we’ve always pooled our money. It’s especially important when one person gives up work or goes part time in order to provide childcare, this then impacts on thier salary forever and they normally have no hope of catching up with the other persons earning potential.
Bills can vary each month, stuff crops up for kids ALL the time, school trips, new clothes, birthdays and Christmas, activities, friends parties, childcare, haircuts etc, then the car needs new tyres or a piece of furniture needs replacing etc or even just an expensive food shop that week for whatever reason
How tedious it must be to constantly be working out who’s paid for what, who owes what etc

All our money goes into a joint account. All the bills and food shop and petrol and spends come out. If either of us wants to spend on something expensive we run it by the other.

Ellapaella · 12/08/2019 21:38

My husband would never see his children go without things they need or things they enjoy during the holidays. He works hard for all of us, as do I. We work so that as a family we can have the things we want and need - I really can't fathom why anything else would be acceptable within a relationship.
Have you actually spoken to him about it? It might be that he simply hasn't realised how much it's costing you, especially if you do the lions share of childcare in the holidays.
Sit down and have a conversation about money ASAP... put it all in the same pot and have an agreed amount of money that you spend on personal treats each month (ie. clothes, hair, hobbies etc).

AnyFucker · 12/08/2019 21:43

What sort of example are you setting when you go along with the idea that the expense of having a child falls to the woman

Sort yourself out for Christ's sake

Original poster
absopugginglutely · 13/08/2019 08:26

Update: DH completely agreed that our set up is odd and has agreed to pool our money.
I think it was me in our early relationship that preferred to keep the money separate and we’ve continued like that but as some PP have said, it all gets a bit silly when you’re having to remember odd cafe trips and farm park costs and asking for £2.50 here and £7.50 there. And when you have s child together and one of you (me) is earning considerably less.
What can I say, he wholeheartedly agreed and there’s no fight.
Thanks all.

OP posts:
Pineapplefish · 13/08/2019 08:28

That's great OP Smile

Merryoldgoat · 13/08/2019 08:28

Great outcome - well done OP

Witchinaditch · 13/08/2019 09:01

If you’re married surely it’s joint money? I never understand couples who don’t share all their money. Why would he want his wife and children to have a lesser/different quality of life that he has, it’s absolutely ridiculous

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 13/08/2019 09:23

Glad to hear you're sorting things out Flowers

CoughSplutter · 13/08/2019 09:33

“At the moment we split all the household costs proportionally to our respective earnings”

I will never, ever understand people who do this in a marriage. Utterly bizarre.

Sandybval · 13/08/2019 09:39

That's good news, sounds like it was you previously though who didn't want to pool finances; it seems the key isnt a joint bank account, but actually talking to eachother!

blackchina · 13/08/2019 10:00

@Witchinaditch

If you’re married surely it’s joint money? I never understand couples who don’t share all their money. Why would he want his wife and children to have a lesser/different quality of life that he has, it’s absolutely ridiculous.

I don't understand this either...

Some women put up with some shit.

blackchina · 13/08/2019 10:01

@Witchinaditch

If you’re married surely it’s joint money? I never understand couples who don’t share all their money. Why would he want his wife and children to have a lesser/different quality of life that he has, it’s absolutely ridiculous.

I don't understand this either...

Some women put up with some shit.

blackchina · 13/08/2019 10:04

@AnyFucker

What sort of example are you setting when you go along with the idea that the expense of having a child falls to the woman.

Seems like something from the dark ages doesn't it? And bizarre too, because in relationships, the woman will almost always earn less!

blackchina · 13/08/2019 10:05

@absopugginglutely

I see your update - from 8.26 today, and I do hope that's true. He seemed to agree with you very quickly.

Have to say, I wonder the same as a few other posters on here.

Why on earth do people have separate finances when you're married with a kid?! Why are YOU paying for your JOINT CHILD out of YOUR MONEY?

So many women come on here with this same dilemma... 'I earn less than DH and am struggling to pay half of everything,' or 'my DH owes me money for paying for our shopping the other day, and hasn't given it to me yet,' and 'what our kids have come out of my money, and I am a tenner short for school uniform and DH won't give me a tenner to help.'

So. Bizarre. Confused

Seriously, FGS, tell him you want to pool your finances, because this is SO wrong. Hell would freeze over before I would be in a situation where I have to ask DH for money. shudder Confused Never done it in 25+ years together, and never would. Women are so vulnerable when they are in this situation. I actually really do feel sorry for them.

Me and DH earn roughly the same now, but in the past he has earned more (when our kids were younger and I worked less hours,) but he NEVER said 'I earn more so I get to keep more.' We always pooled finances.

I know half a dozen couples right now, who have been together around 15 to 20 years, and they STILL don't pool finances. (Some are married, some are not, and around 4 out of the six couples have kids...)

In each couple, it is the man who earns more, and she struggles to provide half towards everything, and lives in clothes that she's had for 10 years, while he squanders 100s of £ a month on his hobbies, new clothes every month, weekends away with his mates, and lots of frivolous shit.

In one couple we know, (and used to go to the pub with once a month or so,) he used to wave 20 pound notes about at the bar, and buy himself whiskies and brandies, while she tipped her purse upside down to try and find a few extra coppers for a coke.

I have even seen her asking for tap water as they have no money. Me and DH have bought drinks before for her (and other female friends who were skint,) because their DH/DP kept his money to himself,, and shared fuck-all.

We even saw one couple out one night, (who have always had separate finances, but he earns more) and when SHE went to the loo, he took £10 from her purse, and put it in his wallet.

We were so disgusted that we didn't socialise with this couple again. Shame for her, but we could not bear to see HIM again.

And joint accounts will not necessarily be 'cleaned out' if one partner leaves. You can easily make it so that no more than £200 can be withdrawn or spent without both signatures. (Or both people attending the bank to withdraw the money.)