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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for a contribution from DH for being at home with DD aaaaall summer

126 replies

absopugginglutely · 12/08/2019 15:13

I am a part time teacher and have been on summer break for the past 4 weeks.
In that time, I have been trying to be thrifty but even trips to the library, to meet her little friends and their mums in cafes, buying her the odd item of clothing when the heat wave struck, swimming, visiting, costs money.
DH is at work mon-thurs and tends not to take her swimming/ do anything that costs money with her.
I find that it’s always me driving her here and there- parks, libraries etc and I’m worse off at the end of the summer and he isn’t affected at all.
At the moment we split all the household costs proportionally to our respective earnings apart from the shopping which is 50:50

AIBU to outline this for him so he can contribute to DDs activities? Is this fair?

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
TheWernethWife · 12/08/2019 15:47

WTF have I just read, your DH is a cheeky fucker.

thecatinthetwat · 12/08/2019 15:49

I can't believe children's activities are not joint costs already. Wow.

Personally I don't think I would want to be with someone who would happily sit back whilst I struggle on, on a lower or part-time wage.

Are you part-time due to childcare arrangements? He should be financially compensating you for that already. Plus the activities as a joint expense on top.

mckenzie · 12/08/2019 15:53

And this is why I can never understand why couples (with or without children) don't have joint bank accounts. And to all those who say 'they spend more than me' or whatever - if you can't trust someone with joint money you shouldn't be in a relationship or having children with them.

This. Even if you have a joint account for joint expenses plus your own separate ones for other things.

Knittedfairies · 12/08/2019 15:55

He needs to start contributing to your daughter's costs now, otherwise you'll be paying for skiing trips to Vermont/exchange visit to Italy or whatever all by yourself in the future.

TangoTheCat · 12/08/2019 15:56

What does being worse off mean for you? Are you sacrificing or missing out on things because of your expenditure or is it just that you've spent more so have less savings as an individual?

The way me and DH do it is that we don't have a joint account and just pay for things as they come up but if one of us is running low then either the other will pay for stuff for a while or we'll transfer money to each other.

littlepaddypaws · 12/08/2019 15:57

mill most people who are in relationships or have dc with them for the best part trust their partner with a joint account. it's when things go toes up then a joint account can be cleaned out without your knowledge. relationships and marriages break up every day.

checkeredredshorts · 12/08/2019 15:59

I think couples living together with children should put all money in one pot and share the total amount fairly for whatever needs paying, savings and if possible some money for themselves.

I can't understand 'my' money and 'their' money when you share a house and kids.

TequilaMockingbird0 · 12/08/2019 15:59

Why can't you just treat all money as joint money and spend as you both desire?

LovelyLapin · 12/08/2019 16:00

Joint bank accounts here too.

DejaVoodoo · 12/08/2019 16:01

The more I’m on MN, the more I appreciate DH and our marriage. I had to give up work a couple of years ago for various reasons, but DH and I have always shared all our assets.

OP, yes, of course your DH should contribute to keeping his child entertained and occupied during the holidays, even if he’s not with her at the time. She’s his child.

Itsonlytuesdayqwer · 12/08/2019 16:05

Of course he should,joint account all the way. Your DD is both of your responsibilities not just yours!

Tweetingmagpie · 12/08/2019 16:06

We dont have joint accounts but we both pay for certain things and it works out about the same.

It seems incredibly petty to be asking for money towards entertaining her and buying the odd item of clothing. Surely it all works out even in the end?

Tweetingmagpie · 12/08/2019 16:08

It’s not about trust.

I like having my own account with my own money. I know I can trust dh with my life but I like to keep things separate financially.

I had a shared account with my ex and it was fine so it’s not like I’m over protective because of abuse or anything, I always had full access to all money, but now with new husband we both just kept our own.

CatteStreet · 12/08/2019 16:16

I'm afraid I'm another who doesn't understand this 'glorified housemate' way of doing finances among married couples with children. You're supposed to be a team. Owing each other money, one being 'rich' and the other 'poor' - don't get it.

OtraCosaMariposa · 12/08/2019 16:18

Joint account?

Would cut all this nonsense about who pays for what and going halfers on stuff child related.

verystressedmum · 12/08/2019 16:19

It is very strange that you can't say to your husband that you need money, not only for your child but just in general.

Megan2018 · 12/08/2019 16:20

Not everyone can have a joint account - we can't as DH has been bankrupt and we can't have any joint financial associations. But we still pay for things jointly - it just has to come from physically separate accounts. Essentially I calculate what his proportion is and he transfers to me. We have our own accounts for our own things (I don't expect him to pay for my horse or my car for example), but our child's costs will be shared equally (currently pg and all the expenses to date have been shared).

dottiedodah · 12/08/2019 16:21

I think you need to have an honest talk with DH, and see if you can get a joint account set up .Does he earn a lot more than you?.If you are worse off than him at the end of the summer this is not fair on you.Also why doesnt he take her out sometimes ?!.

Mummyshark2018 · 12/08/2019 16:22

Separate accounts here too. We earn similar amounts However when dh away working for 2 weeks at a time he gives me extra to contribute towards child activities - eating out/ cinema/ soft play/ zoo etc so that I'm not out of pocket. He spends almost nothing when he is away as all on company expenses. This set up works for us.

HerRoyalNotness · 12/08/2019 16:22

How much do you need. Would 100 per week do it so you can have some days out and lunches, activities etc? Ask him for 50/wk for the summer.

He’s a real catch isn’t he?

Xmasbaby11 · 12/08/2019 16:23

If you don't have a joint account you need to find another way of making it more equal. I'm off a lot of the summer with my 2dc and all expenses come out of joint account.

ineedaholiday2 · 12/08/2019 16:31

I think it's fair. Good luck!

WomblingBy · 12/08/2019 16:34

Goodness, my ghast is flabbered by this question. Of course you’re not BU to ask your dds father to pay towards your dd! How strange that it’s even an issue!

adaline · 12/08/2019 16:34

Isn't she a joint expense just like the bills are?

Original poster
absopugginglutely · 12/08/2019 16:36

Thanks all, he has said he will look at a way to make it fairer with me when he gets home tonight.
I get the child benefit but that is counted as my income in our splitting of the outgoing proportionally. Example- I ear 1 third of what he does, so I pay one third of all bills rent etc.
I pay 50:50 for the food bill though.
I haven't felt comfortable with a joint account really because he has a daughter from a previous relationship and I was trying to make sure everything he buys for her comes from his money, not mine.
He is invested in fairness but I think we have just failed to acknowledge that because I am with her most of the time, I pay for all of the little extras that involve entertaining her on any given day.
I am bankrupt at the moment so I wouldn't want to mix my finances with his in a bank account sense.

OP posts: