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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for a contribution from DH for being at home with DD aaaaall summer

126 replies

absopugginglutely · 12/08/2019 15:13

I am a part time teacher and have been on summer break for the past 4 weeks.
In that time, I have been trying to be thrifty but even trips to the library, to meet her little friends and their mums in cafes, buying her the odd item of clothing when the heat wave struck, swimming, visiting, costs money.
DH is at work mon-thurs and tends not to take her swimming/ do anything that costs money with her.
I find that it’s always me driving her here and there- parks, libraries etc and I’m worse off at the end of the summer and he isn’t affected at all.
At the moment we split all the household costs proportionally to our respective earnings apart from the shopping which is 50:50

AIBU to outline this for him so he can contribute to DDs activities? Is this fair?

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
AmaryllisNightAndDay · 12/08/2019 17:32

I pay 50:50 for the food bill though.

I only just noticed this bit! You say he is all about fairness but how can that possibly be fair in any way at all?

Justajot · 12/08/2019 17:36

Leaving both of you with the same spending money at the end isn't entirely fair in your case because you will be paying for your DD and yourself with your pot while he will be paying for himself + his other DD. If you were being fair, you'd calculate a pot for the DDs and he would pay that fully for his DD and half for your shared DD.

formerbabe · 12/08/2019 17:36

School holidays are really expensive. Even cheap activities add up and end up costing a lot just because there's so many days to fill.

Weather isn't great right now so just lazing about in the park with a picnic can't be done.

We are going swimming this week which will cost £12...then trampolining which is £25.

Yanbu

Cheeseandwin5 · 12/08/2019 17:41

I have to say, I don't think your DH is BU, and that some of the blame he is getting is totally unfair (although not surprising). It seems you have both agreed to this arrangement, but if you are feeling the pinch you need to tell him. Saying that the fact that you are spending money on activities and he is not doesn't mean that the time DD spends with him is worse. It maybe better. If he got a bill to spend on his daughter, and you were in a better position, would you help him during this time? It doesn't look like it as the agreement, seems to be done with the specific idea to keep his outside costs away from you.
To be fair this is all alien to me, DD and I do have our own accounts but the bulk of our income goes into the joint account. If I need to pamper myself, I will take money from my account or if it is more expensive I will take it from the joint account ( I recently went on a spa long weekend with friends). The money we earn is for us, as a couple , as a family and as individuals. I don't think our system is better than having singluar accounts but it works for us and it always allows us to both understand our finances better.

Fairylea · 12/08/2019 17:48

How much time does your step daughter spend with you? It seems like quite an odd thing to say that you want to make sure it’s his money he’s spending on her. It all seems so separate, not like a proper family arrangement. I have a dd from a previous relationship and dh and I just pool everything together. I’d be quite hurt if he saw her as my financial responsibility away from the rest of the family finances.

MyDcAreMarvel · 12/08/2019 17:50

I was sympathetic till I read your comment about his dd.
You are both as selfish as each other.

Holidaysmoliday · 12/08/2019 17:55

I genuinely don’t understand how it works to be married and yet square up every single penny as what is fair.

Oh I took DD to the cafe so you owe me 35p

I get that not everyone wants fully shared accounts but at the very least wouldn’t you have a shared pot for the day to day stuff?

PapaShango · 12/08/2019 17:58

I’m another one who was with you until the dd comment. It makes you sound so petty and jealous.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 12/08/2019 17:58

Do you mean you're literally bankrupt? That does complicate things a bit. How long have you got to go?

Ivestoppedreadingthenews · 12/08/2019 17:59

Your current system seems woefully unfair. I’m at home with the little one so over the summer too and it probably costs us around £50/week extra due to extra food costs, extra fuel and activities. Even suncream adds up. We have a joint account but give your particular circumstances perhaps the easiest system given you would be for you to keep CB as extra to fund the costs of entertaining your daughter.

BaaLamby · 12/08/2019 18:00

No way would I accept this arrangement. There will invariably be a financial winner and loser in this situation. If you don’t trust each other to have joint bank accounts then you don’t trust each other full stop. I would keep all the receipts for your expenses over the holiday and bill him 50% plus 50% childminding fees! How is your arrangement fair?

caballerino · 12/08/2019 18:17

I haven't felt comfortable with a joint account really because he has a daughter from a previous relationship and I was trying to make sure everything he buys for her comes from his money, not mine

Is this the comment people are leaping on as an excuse to call the op selfish?

Because I don't see how it's any different to what other women in the op's situation are advised on MN. Never mind the fact this man isn't even adequately contributing towards the costs of his and the op's child.

Op, if he's not a dick financially why has he allowed a situation to arise where you're worrying about money and he's not? Where the costs of his child aren't considered joint costs? Where the financial sacrifices you're making for your child are being allowed to disadvantage you?

adaline · 12/08/2019 18:18

Hang on - you're married and you're bankrupt? But he's not?

How on earth does that work?

gamerchick · 12/08/2019 18:32

If you don’t trust each other to have joint bank accounts then you don’t trust each other full stop

Ridiculous Hmm joint accounts aren't the holy sodden grail in a marriage.

OP tell him the outings are costing a fortune and can he help fund them. That's probably all it will take. If he's working and not doing the running about it simply might not have occured to him. It should do but maybe it hasn't.

Megan2018 · 12/08/2019 18:43

@adaline my husband went bankrupt and I didn’t-not unusual!
Our house was in my name only and we had no joint finances on paper on the advice of his accountant when we got married. His bankruptcy was due to a failed business, not personal expenditure and had nothing to do with me.
But it does impact on how you manage finances forever after, I have an excellent rating, his is as crap as possible. So we can never have anything joint otherwise it ruins mine.
But we still share our finances in practice, just everything is in my name.

Original poster
absopugginglutely · 12/08/2019 19:10

@swingofthings you’re missing the point

OP posts:
Original poster
absopugginglutely · 12/08/2019 19:18

Thanks all, he said he is happy to give me some money every week to contribute to her activities.
I need to get out of the house and socialise as does DD. I live in a very remote village without a shop or anything so I do need to look after my sanity and stimulate my daughter, even if that is just to feed the ducks at the park but petrol isn’t free either!

OP posts:
Queenioqueenio · 12/08/2019 19:28

Do people really think of their children as an ‘expense’ to be calculated up are apportioned out fairly? Genuinely asking as I never have and can’t imagine thinking about them in this way.

Don’t get me wrong I’ve been skint before, but I would just say, I need £20 to take x to cinema today please. If we could afford it I could have it.

Merryoldgoat · 12/08/2019 19:31

Queenioqueenio

Well, my DC has term time activities which can be expensive so I add them to the budget. But otherwise I just spend what I want to and what I can afford but we have a joint account.

Asking for money is no-go for me - I want access and decision making ability myself.

Jasonh · 12/08/2019 19:37

Personally we’ve always had a joint account. Being married means being one unit as far as I’m concerned. Sometimes I earn more and sometimes my DW earns more but it’s all our money anyway. Don’t understand why one person should feel more of a burden of the Costs than the other!

Derektheelf · 12/08/2019 19:57

When I went on mat leave, we agreed DH would pay bills and I would pay household and kids. So I pay for food, toiletries, activities, clothes, nappies etc. Activities and classes I pay and DH reimburses me half. It seems fair for us. We previously had joint account 60/40% as proportional to earnings.

ny20005 · 12/08/2019 19:59

You can have a joint account for shared expenses & still have sole accounts.

I don't get why you are paying 50% of food costs

If it works out to cover child's expenses, don't count child benefit as your earning & use that per month for child

Delatron · 12/08/2019 20:00

I think it’s the wording.
‘He’s happy to give me some money every week to contribute to her activities’. It’s his daughter!
I think it’s wrong you had to ask and don’t have access to enough money.

All this totting up who spent what!

Why are you splitting food bills 50:50? That’s unfair to you.

You have gone part time to provide childcare. Your career has subsequently taken the hit and this means everything from pensions to promotions. His is carrying on as it was as he has no childcare worries. You earn a third of him and he is perpetuating this by not giving you access to sufficient funds.

Merryoldgoat · 12/08/2019 20:01

@Derektheelf

I’m not being goady but I just don’t see how it’s fair unless after your outgoings you happen to have the exact same amount of money left over.

I hear so many women talking like they ‘owe’ their partner when they’re bringing in less money. I’m not saying you do, but it just feels like you don’t get the freedom to choose how to spend in the same way.

Peanutbuttericecream · 12/08/2019 20:03

You should be paying half each, no question.