To ask for a contribution from DH for being at home with DD aaaaall summer

[absopugginglutely]

I am a part time teacher and have been on summer break for the past 4 weeks.
In that time, I have been trying to be thrifty but even trips to the library, to meet her little friends and their mums in cafes, buying her the odd item of clothing when the heat wave struck, swimming, visiting, costs money.
DH is at work mon-thurs and tends not to take her swimming/ do anything that costs money with her.
I find that it’s always me driving her here and there- parks, libraries etc and I’m worse off at the end of the summer and he isn’t affected at all.
At the moment we split all the household costs proportionally to our respective earnings apart from the shopping which is 50:50

AIBU to outline this for him so he can contribute to DDs activities? Is this fair?

Thanks for reading.

I get the child benefit but that is counted as my income in our splitting of the outgoing proportionally

fed up?

Suppose it depends on your local area and whether you drive or not but I have a national trust membership and visit the seaside fairly often plus museums and art galleries. Things don’t have to cost a fortune at all.

At the moment we split all the household costs proportionally to our respective earnings apart from the shopping which is 50:50

I find it is simpler (and fairer) to have a shared pot for family outgoings such as shopping, travel and children's activities, and to each put in different amounts according to our income. We use a joint account for that. And we also have our own accounts that we get paid into.

We pay to the joint account so that we have roughly the same amount each left in our own accounts. The larger earner does not expect to be left with more money, because we are a married couple who make career decisions to benefit each other and the DCs not just ourselves, and who have a mutually committed future. We're not just flatmates with independent incomes and lives.

But however you do it, one way or another of course your DH should share all the costs of raising his child and not just leave you to pay it all.

Your DH sounds extremely mean.

I am not asking for 'a fortune', I'm asking for a fair contribution towards our DD's activities/ clothes.

I do feel like he is not financially worried and I am.

But if you pay all your other joint expenses proportionately, why is care for your DD not included in that calculation?

My point was-the child benefit should be spent on the child!

Sorry x-post. Your situation sounds more complicated than I realised.

Oh okay fed up I see.
Yes I'm just realising that it's set up not in my favour.

This is one of the stupidest (genuine) posts I have ever read on Mumsnet. I can't ever imagine being in a marriage where I had to even think about asking this, and then to be so unsure to post on here and ask!

I haven't felt comfortable with a joint account really because he has a daughter from a previous relationship and I was trying to make sure everything he buys for her comes from his money, not mine

Seems like you have shot yourself in the foot there. My god did you really not understand that pooling money together doesn't mean your money goes to his child. Sounds like you have an issue with the child, or the mother?

@bouncingraindrops Thanks for that.

They way you split expenses in inherently unfair.

Say he earns £6k, you earn £2k abdbyoir household costs £4.5k to run. You pay £1.5 he pays £3k. He has £3k per month left, you have £500. You pay out 75% of your smaller salary and he pays out 50% of his bigger one - it’s ridiculous when you have children and live as a family to split money like that.

Hid other daughter is a complicating factor but not an insurmountable one - you could simply deduct her costs from his salary before doing a more fair calculation.

@Merryoldgoat so what would you recommend?

He is a very fair person, he is never a dick about money at all.
I think we have just both been a bit slack with understanding how it's really working.
Thanks so much for all of your input. I will have a chat with him later on.

While I'm personally in the "all income and expenses in one pot" way of thinking, I do understand that some people prefer to keep their expenses separate. However it is not right that you should feel financially worried while he doesn't.

At a minimum, everything you spend on DD should be counted as a joint expense. But that's the tip of the iceberg really. Merryoldgoat is also right that splitting expenses proportionally does mean he has more personal spending money. Not to mention the fact that you working part time saves money in childcare costs that you BOTH benefit from, while YOU are the only one taking the hit on your salary.

Time for a re-think.

so what would you recommend?

Either just one pot for all income and expenses. Or if that doesn't work for you, calculate a contribution to the pot that leaves you both with an equal amount left over for personal spending money. Money spent on your DD and his DD both count as joint expense.

@Pineapplefish thanks, I think so too.

He is also presumably paying full time into his pension whilst you are taking a massive hit on yours-that shouldn’t be forgotten.

My DH and I have different salaries as I work PT. We maintain separate accounts and joint accounts.

Expenses go on a spreadsheet, income goes on too, a calculation tells us how much to put into the joint account each so we have the same spare money each month.

I earn £1.7 ish, DH £3k ish (after tax, pension and season ticket loan)

He puts in around £2.6k and I put in around £1.3k - Both left with around £400 to piss away.

Out of the £3.9k in the joint account all bills, mortgage, food and expenses for kids are paid for plus savings for car account and joint savings.

Works extremely well for us.

Money spent on your DD and his DD both count as joint expense.

I agree with this too - if you have a family with someone who already has children you must (in my opinion) treat the spend on the first child as joint expenditure.

You need a half-term/school holiday entertainment budget. It's always been an item in my budget.

If you earn a third of what he does, then according to the way you are doing things you should be paying a quarter of the bills, not a third. That's without the question as to whether it fair overall.

pikapikachu

I’ve never had a school holiday budget/fund but I’m definitely going to start one!

There have been a few threads about mums complaining of a too small budget to entertain the kids over the summer holiday. Is it a new thing that kids should do all those activities? My summer were mainly getting together with friends or playing on my own in the garden/my bedroom. Trip to the cinema, swimming etc... was a special treat that only took place once over the holidays.

It seems like more and more often, there is an expe tâtions that kids should be constantly entertained and taken places almost every day.