About my children's inheritance?

[BonyPony]

My MIL sadly passed away a couple of years ago and left a large sum of money to my husband and kids. My FIL is very into financial management and has virtually total control of the account. We have to get his permission to withdraw any of the money.
FIL has been very generous and paid off our previous mortgage so we could move house. Husband hated the previous home, which increased his grief, stress and anxiety. We were happy to move but are now struggling financially with the bills from the new house. I cannot get this money out of my head. It is way more than I could earn in 10 years and it is just sitting there.
Meanwhile, I have been a full time at home parent for many years but husband is now pressurising me to get a job to make ends meet. I don't want to disrupt our home life, especially when all our financial worries would be solved by husband getting FIL to let him have the inheritance he was given!

Should I give up and get a job or stand my ground and insist husband fight for the money? (Also am I evil?)

If you are living beyond your means you should get a full time job rather than loving off you're children's inheritance..

Living not loving lol

The quote you put in says exactly that - he wanted to spend the inheritance, he was the driver behind the new house and the expensive holiday. He then had second thoughts and now doesn't want to spend that inheritance after they have committed to the cost.

@C8H10N4O2 that's not what it says. There is no mention of second thoughts after committing to the cost.

OP says that they spent some money on a holiday and then some on moving house. Not that they were going to spend some on the house and then didn't.

There is nothing about initially planning to continue spending the money to fund bills. Nothing whatsoever. OP herself says they've since found that they're struggling with bills. Not that this is because he's gone back on the plans.

OP was musing over the fact that her DH was happy to spend the inheritance to begin with, and is presumably hoping that she'll get support from MN to pressure him into continuing to spend it now that they've found they've screwed up and can't afford the bills.

If the plan was to use more of the inheritance for the new house, they would obviously have done that in the first place with a bigger deposit and smaller mortgage.

Your father’n’law paid off the house so your hubby would not be stressed and he took the chance to buy a more expensive house and get stressed again. Sounds like your hubby is not good with money and wants his f’n’law to manage it. I suspect he wants you to go back to work because he probably does not want to tell his dad after paying of his mortgage he is struggling financially again.

Presumably the OP and her husband were both involved in the purchase of the new house. Just as he can't force her to work, he couldn't force her to agree to sell the old house and purchase a new one.

Those of us who work also manage to keep house and look after our children. At times they may have to be a little more independent - not a bad thing. If you are not making ends meet the answer is to work harder or switch to a better paid line of work. Your kids will respect you more for working than for taking away their inheritance so you can do the hoovering.

Also how large is the inheritance? You said it'll free up all your financial worries. Is that permanently, or just bridging the gap for a few more years and then you'll be to having money problems? You stated that you believed DH was on the same page in 'enjoying the money', as MIL 'hoarded the money'. Does that mean her and FIL invested and saved it wisely to fund their future vs blowing it's on crap?

I think the OP is frustrated with her DH for choosing to allow his father to manage the inheritance.

Naturally, she would like her DH is have control of his own inheritance but for his own reasons (lack of balls maybe, to stand up to his parent), it's not happening.

It's OK to vent here OP, but, at the end of the day, the only way to change it is to persuade your DH to literally man up to his Dad. But he doesn't want to.....plus he would rather you worked more hours to allow your family to be more self reliant as opposed to eat further into his inheritance.

What does he want to do with the rest of his inheritance? Why not pay down more of the mortgage of your new house for instance?

OP, you still have not explained the terms of the will!

Forget about the inheritance. it’s being controlled by FIL at DH’s request. It’s not available to you.

You need to work out your income and outgoings currently, see if there is money being wasted or not well utilised currently and if there is a shortfall.

Sit down with dh and discuss where you are going from here. What hours you need to work, childcare arrangements and household duties.
What changes will need to be made to children’s activities.

Come up with a plan and put it into action.

The OP has a job she works part time her she wants her to up her hours.

First if your plans to move etc included the inheritance then why has he not got the inheritance this needs to be addressed.

Leave the kids' inheritance alone.

When you get the inheritance act like it's not there. Do what you need to do to keep your family afloat.

Your reasons for not liking childcare are a bit strange, or I'm not understanding them properly.

@BonyPony

You've received a lot of criticism on this thread, but as I see it there are several pertinent points for you to reflect on.

Firstly and completely non negotiable - the children's inheritance is not yours to 'borrow'. Regardless of well meaning comments about paying them back when you 'walk into a job'.

10 hours a week is very little paid work when your children are in school. For you to work these sorts of hours, your DH needs to be in agreement and it's clear he's not.

You need to work more if you and DH don't want to cut back on your lifestyle. This will help your family finances and it will help you with your confidence.
How long has MIL been deceased? I don't want to make any assumptions about the relationship between you, DH and your FIL as you've given little detail.
However the cynic in me thinks that your DH has asked (rather than accepted) his DF to take control of this money if it was left to him and DC outright (rather than being in trust) because he doesn't want it frittered away or 'borrowed from' with vague intentions to pay back. If it's in trust and DF is the trustee, he has an obligation to do what's in the best interests of the trustees and you staying at home for older children isn't that.
Childcare isn't terrifying. Wrap around care isn't even long hours. Your kids will enjoy it - it's like extended play time
.
Getting a job isn't terrifying. You're clearly very capable and have much potential. You also need to think about your pension contributions. Are you contributing to one now? You won't have been auto enrolled - do you have a sipp?
You're not just needing to think about your expenses right now, but what about your future? What about if you and DH don't go the distance? You need to keep some earning potential and a significant amount of time outside of the workplace isn't going to do that.
The world isn't what it was where our DGMs etc didn't have to work and could raise the children. you know that.

Our financial planning included using his inheritance but FIL is stopping the tap, on his and kid's money.

The kids' money isn't up for grabs. Whether there's anything left of your husband's is quite key. But he may not be honest with you and I don't think there's much you can do.

And by the way there's absolutely nothing wrong with being a sahm to older kids if that's what your family chooses and can afford.

The difference is your family can't afford it.

I think the OP is frustrated with her DH for choosing to allow his father to manage the inheritance.

I think she is more frustrated thay she just doesnt get access to it all.

You dont decide you want to spend your children's money out frustration at your dh.

I might understand her being annoyed he has done that. Depends on why he did it.

But wanting to access and spend money that belongs to her kids, isnt a good response.

So your OH has been moaning that you and he couldn't afford your previous mortgage, so FIL paid it, out of his own money in addition to the inheritance? This is all likelihood was on the basis that now thst the mortgage was paid, you'd have more disposable income. Then your OH and you decided to use this chance of a free mortgage to go and buy a nicer home and... have a mortgage agsinm FIL must have been furious and rightly so.

You OH feels guilty about it, hence an agreement with his dad that his dad will keep the inheritance money until its really needed. He probably told his dad that you guys could manage with the decision. Now you want him to tell his dad that it was all a mistake and you can't manage but instead of working harder like il his parents did, he should have access to the money. He is too embarrassed to even suggest it and rightly so.

You need to come to terms thst your OH doesn't agree with you and think you need to up your hours. You have no right to this money, it is not yours. Forget that it exists for now.

How much money does dh actually have left?
Not the kids but just dhs share?

Unless it's a huge amount, 10 or 20 thousand will go very quickly. And once it's gone nothing to fall back on and you'll probably have to go to work to make ends meet.

If it's 200K then that's different.

I don't understand why you're getting such a hard time OP. It is perfectly ok to be SAHM to primary school children if both parents agree and can afford it.

Your DC inheritance belongs to them and cannot be spent by you, your DH or FIL.

However, DH's inheritance is his money and I would be furious if my DH let my FIL control money that DH should have access to, for mortgage, holidays or other general improvements to our family's lifestyle. Funding SAHM is just one of those financial decisions. Sounds like you can't afford it without DH inheritance money.

Depending on the amount, it may be SAHM is not affordable even with the inheritance. Or, it maybe your DH doesn't want to use inheritance money to support SAHM any more, however that is a big decision which affects the whole family and needs to be discussed carefully. If your youngest has five years of primary school left then DH will have a lot of extra family stuff to pick up if you start working more hours.

If your FIL is controlling DH money just because DH hates conflict then you have a DH problem. If you do need to increase your hours at work then your DC will be ok, but it's not grabby to think your DH inheritance could be used for his family's benefit.

I don't understand why you're getting such a hard time OP. It is perfectly ok to be SAHM to primary school children if both parents agree and can afford it.

That's reason she is getting a hard time. She cant afford to be a sahm without using money that belongs to the children.

It is perfectly ok to be SAHM to primary school children if both parents agree and can afford it
Yes but that's not OP's situation as he doesn't agree.

If your FIL is controlling DH money just because DH hates conflict then you have a DH problem
Is not controlling the money. DH doesn't want the money spent. It's easier to say FIL controls it then to tell OP to stop going on about spending the money becauseche doesn't want to and he thinks she should up her hours.

You're projecting here, and making it all about an alleged hate campaign about SAHM.

Nonsense. I am not projecting in the slightest. These comments are literally here to be seen.

And I haven’t said anything about our arrangements.

I bet the FIL doesn't want to release the inheritance to them because he knows they won't make 'good' financial decisions.

So many are projecting on this thread.

However the op should not have to work extra to afford a house her husband chose to upgrade. I'd be annoyed that the family decision to have a sahp was now being changed because of an expensive house.

I would not be willing to work extra for an upgraded house. I would be happier to work less and to cut my cloth accordingly and it sounds as though they were doing so, prior to the inheritance and prior to the move.

Op you need to talk to your husband and either tighten belts or downsize or you work more hours with him also doing more for the kids and in the home.

However he cannot have it both ways, he moves to an expensive house, you work more and still do all the house work and running around with the children.

I agree with herculepoirot that so many woman are being misogynistic towards sale's and the language on this thread drips with misogyny.

I am not projecting in the slightest. These comments are literally here to be seen

You really are.

You insist working parents dont have enough time to give their kids attention. Because you know someone who struggles.

Then keep asking why people keep calling sahm beggars, scroungers etc.

That's not what people said. What they said is being a sahp, whilst spending your children's money is wrong and makes you those things.

The OP wants her children to finance her staying at home. That's what's not ok.