Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Post-holiday argument - who IBU?

83 replies

CoffeeChocolateWine · 12/08/2019 09:21

Interested to know your thoughts on a disagreement I had with DH last night.

We are just back from holiday. We had planned a two-week camping holiday in Cornwall but had to cut it short by a few days due to the bad weather. Originally we were going to come home on Sunday and he was going to go back to work on Thursday. Instead we came back on Thursday and he’s gone back to work today.

On Friday I started the very normal post holiday process of washing and being a slightly damp camping holiday there was lots of it. Clothes, towels, sleeping bags other blankets/bedding and as we have a washer/dryer rather than separate machines and the weather was rubbish for drying it’s fair to say it has taken ages to get through. On the Friday, DH went off for the day to do his hobby so I had all three kids at home. Saturday, the weather was awful so I thought it was a good day to just plough through chores that needed to be done. DH moped around not knowing what to do with himself. Sunday he and DS went to a sporting activity and we all went out in the afternoon.

Come yesterday evening, DH said to me that he was annoyed that I had spent the remainder of HIS holiday time doing jobs when he had wanted us to do family stuff together like we would have done if we had still been on holiday. He’s annoyed that I just seemed to be trying to get all the jobs done over the weekend so that I could have fun with the kids while he’s back at work. He feels that I should have left it all till Monday so that he could make the most of his holiday time and I could do all the jobs once he’s back at work even though he knows I would also have three children including a baby to look after as well as that’s what I would have done if we hadn’t come back till Sunday as originally planned. However as I said previously he wasn’t going to go back to work till Thursday if that had been the case.

I think he’s being massively entitled! I admit that a big part of me wanted to get a lot of the post-holiday unpacking and washing done over the weekend so that I can focus on the kids when he’s back at work on Monday but is that so wrong? Or should I have just pretended we were all still on holiday and put all the jobs off till he was back at work so that he could make the most of HIS holiday? I should add that I did the vast majority of these jobs not him and I kept encouraging him to take the kids out or go out and do something if he wanted to rather than moping around the house but he didn’t. Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Witchofzog · 12/08/2019 09:23

I can kind of understand where he is coming from but rather than moping around, he should have told you what was on his mind and offered to help with the chores to get them done a bit quicker

GPatz · 12/08/2019 09:24

Um. He went off alone on Friday to so his hobby all day? How is that family time together? He sounds a bit of a hypocrite

Shodan · 12/08/2019 09:24

He is BU.

He should've done the post holiday clean up with you, then there would've been time for you all to have family time before he went back to work.

Knobber.

Quartz2208 · 12/08/2019 09:25

Why on earth did he mope around rather than helping you with the jobs

Who leaves wet clothes in suitcases to get musty - washed straight away

Perhaps if he had helped on the Friday and Saturday rather than doing his hobby and moping it would have been done a lot quicker

he is definitely BU

Ponoka7 · 12/08/2019 09:27

Well, communication has broken down between you and that's the real issue.

What you were doing when you got home/while he was still off work should have been discussed and decided.

It's really odd that you think he's entitled.

Have you drifted apart, as a couple?

Dotty1970 · 12/08/2019 09:28

He's bu. He should have been doing half the chores or at least taken the children out so you could get through it quicker.

Simkin · 12/08/2019 09:29

A. He could have stayed off until Thursday anyway, surely?

B. What's the point in saying it when it's too late to do anything about it?

C. Why the fuck does his having a job make him unable to help with the housework tasks that come after a holiday? Surely it was your holiday too?

TixieLix · 12/08/2019 09:33
  1. He spent Friday doing his hobby, so he's a hypocrite
  2. If he had a problem with you doing jobs on Saturday he should have said something at the time

Why has he gone back to work early? If he'd stayed off until Thursday (as planned originally) then you could be having some nice family time now, with the chores out the way and the wet stuff not going musty.

snitzelvoncrumb · 12/08/2019 09:34

He was unreasonable. It's so difficult to get stuff done with kids around.

ChicCroissant · 12/08/2019 09:34

Both sides bear a bit of the blame here I think - he could have been at home on Friday and you could have spread the unpacking out a bit more. Your DH wanted three days after the holiday with the family (Mon/Tues/Wed) and seems to think he had them on Fri/Sat/Sun but he was out Friday. If he wanted to go out as a family then you telling him to take the children is not the same, what where the chores you were doing on Saturday?

DerelictWreck · 12/08/2019 09:38

he could have been at home on Friday and you could have spread the unpacking out a bit more.

Fuck that. Why is even your job to do the unpacking?! Surely if he wanted this ten he tells you about it, spends friday/sat/sun doing a combo of family stuff and chores together. Not goes and does his thing, then sulks, then family day with no pitching in at all?

Shoxfordian · 12/08/2019 09:40

So he went off out all day on Friday, made no suggestions on Saturday just moped about and didn't do any chores then said he wanted it to be a holiday still. What a dick

Original poster
CoffeeChocolateWine · 12/08/2019 09:42

@Ponoka7, I felt he was entitled because he decided to go back to work early but also wanted to fully enjoy the rest of his holiday which would basically result in him leaving all the post-holiday work to me once he was back at work and when I had three kids at home by myself. I don’t think it’s fair on me to have it both ways. If he was still planning to go back on Thursday we would have had time to do jobs and have some family time.

But, you are right. We have had a lot of difficulties over the past couple of years and came pretty close to splitting up. I have posted several threads about our problems. But we’ve had counselling and are genuinely in a better place than we were a few months ago. But maybe not ‘fixed’ so there are still a few cracks there.

OP posts:
ittakes2 · 12/08/2019 09:44

Since he was with the kids on the weekend is he really saying it was you he missed being with? So you are grumpy over him being disappointed he wanted to spend time with you and you preferred to do the washing?

dollydaydream114 · 12/08/2019 09:44

I might have had some sympathy with him if he hadn't gone off to do his hobby all day on Friday, but the fact that he happy to go and do that makes him a massive hypocrite.

Also, why has he left it until now to say something? I think I'd have had that conversation before we decided to cut short the holiday - 'OK, the weather's going to be terrible so let's go home early, but then we'll spend the extra days at home doing nice stuff with the kids as if we're still on holiday.' It sounds as if he was expecting you to read his mind.

Also, he could have helped with the chores to get them over with quickly, if he was that bothered. Or he could have stayed off work until Thursday as he originally planned.

Original poster
CoffeeChocolateWine · 12/08/2019 09:46

Just to add, it’s not that he did nothing. But he washed the car and fixed his bike and surf board rather than doing the unpacking. It was still stuff that needed to be done.

Re. going off to do his hobby on Friday...his passion is windsurfing but he rarely gets the opportunity to go because the conditions aren’t right and due to where we live. I had no problem with him going off to do it because the conditions happened to be perfect.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 12/08/2019 09:47

Agree that he's a massive hypocrite for disappearing off to do his hobby on Friday, then moping around watching you do all the washing... why the hell wasn't he helping you? Did you not say something (not that you should have to but...)

Nofunkingworriesmate · 12/08/2019 09:48

WHY were YOU doing ALL the chores ?
Why didn't he say lets go out and have fun leave the chores ?
He is bang out if order and being a sulky child

Zaphodsotherhead · 12/08/2019 09:53

My view is coloured by the fact that I have never been with a man who did anything after a holiday other than relax into his chair, say 'isn't it nice to be home - what's for tea?' and watch me dash about cleaning, washing, sorting the kids etc etc.

So what sort of a man is he usually? Could he reasonably have been expected to negotiate jobs? Or take some washing to the laundrette?

And why didn't he speak up sooner? What was stopping him from saying something when he saw you loading the washer the first time?

KatharinaRosalie · 12/08/2019 09:53

If he did his fair share of chores, you would have had time to do family stuff together as well.

Herocomplex · 12/08/2019 09:54

I don’t know what he got from the counselling but moping and then telling you what he expected after the event don’t seem to be very open and honest behaviours.
If you want things a certain way you need to spell it out. I’m not sure what fun you’re getting OP, what’s your hobby?

FrogFairy · 12/08/2019 09:54

If you had left all the damp stuff until today it would have been crawling out of the suitcase. Some things just can’t be left. Also he chose to cut the holiday short by returning to work early, so he is the unreasonable one.

WhyBirdStop · 12/08/2019 09:55

Why did he go back to work early? Surely he could've still gone back on Thursday and you could've done family things Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday?

AngelasAshes · 12/08/2019 09:55

I would just chalk it up to lack of communication tbh.
I think he just wanted to spend time with you most of all and was disappointed to spend rest of the time he has off being taken up with chores.
That’s why he moped instead of taking kids out while you were working. He must have been hoping you’d knock off so you could all go out.
If you had talked about what to do with rest of holiday since it is now cut short, this could have been avoided.
I agree certain things HAD to be done- washing & drying camping stuff. Probably getting in groceries. But other than that...anything else could have waited until he was back to work.
But you didn’t know because you two didn’t talk about it. I think you felt like the holiday being cut short was that it was over and back to routine whereas he may have viewed it as cut short to a stay-cation for a week. But after a weekend of routine, he was probably what is the point? Might as well go back to work and save the holidays for another time.
So, neither of you is being unreasonable, you’re just the victims of a failure to communicate about what to do after getting home.

Summerunderway · 12/08/2019 09:57

Yabu not to have left his stuff packed for him to sort....