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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Post-holiday argument - who IBU?

83 replies

CoffeeChocolateWine · 12/08/2019 09:21

Interested to know your thoughts on a disagreement I had with DH last night.

We are just back from holiday. We had planned a two-week camping holiday in Cornwall but had to cut it short by a few days due to the bad weather. Originally we were going to come home on Sunday and he was going to go back to work on Thursday. Instead we came back on Thursday and he’s gone back to work today.

On Friday I started the very normal post holiday process of washing and being a slightly damp camping holiday there was lots of it. Clothes, towels, sleeping bags other blankets/bedding and as we have a washer/dryer rather than separate machines and the weather was rubbish for drying it’s fair to say it has taken ages to get through. On the Friday, DH went off for the day to do his hobby so I had all three kids at home. Saturday, the weather was awful so I thought it was a good day to just plough through chores that needed to be done. DH moped around not knowing what to do with himself. Sunday he and DS went to a sporting activity and we all went out in the afternoon.

Come yesterday evening, DH said to me that he was annoyed that I had spent the remainder of HIS holiday time doing jobs when he had wanted us to do family stuff together like we would have done if we had still been on holiday. He’s annoyed that I just seemed to be trying to get all the jobs done over the weekend so that I could have fun with the kids while he’s back at work. He feels that I should have left it all till Monday so that he could make the most of his holiday time and I could do all the jobs once he’s back at work even though he knows I would also have three children including a baby to look after as well as that’s what I would have done if we hadn’t come back till Sunday as originally planned. However as I said previously he wasn’t going to go back to work till Thursday if that had been the case.

I think he’s being massively entitled! I admit that a big part of me wanted to get a lot of the post-holiday unpacking and washing done over the weekend so that I can focus on the kids when he’s back at work on Monday but is that so wrong? Or should I have just pretended we were all still on holiday and put all the jobs off till he was back at work so that he could make the most of HIS holiday? I should add that I did the vast majority of these jobs not him and I kept encouraging him to take the kids out or go out and do something if he wanted to rather than moping around the house but he didn’t. Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Totalwasteofpaper · 12/08/2019 09:57

It’s called using your words.

I get where he is coming from but he needed to verbalise it upfront rather than mither about, then announce he had an issue post-fact.

What are you supposed to do now? Get in your time machine Hmm

HeffaLump1 · 12/08/2019 09:58

So he cleverly waited until you had FINISHED the chores before explaining his gripe?? Umm... not daft is he! Gets all the jobs done by you and then manages to put the blame on you too. Sly guy

PotolBabu · 12/08/2019 09:59

Why wasn’t he unpacking and washing? Weren’t they his clothes as well!? Surely the chores would have been done quicker had he mucked in.

AngelasAshes · 12/08/2019 10:00

I know it seems bad that he spoke up too late, but better late than never because that breeds resentment. By clearing the air, you guys can identify where and why the holiday ended on a sour note for you both and then be able to avoid this sort of thing in future.

PotolBabu · 12/08/2019 10:01

Even if the holiday was cut short, jobs need doing. The alternative was to do the same jobs 3-4 days later when even more chores would have piled up and OP would have been on her own. I can’t believe he didn’t help (as any normal partner would) which would have freed up this family time he so craves.

AngelasAshes · 12/08/2019 10:02

In regards to laundry- no it does not get done any quicker with extra help. The machines take 2mins work every 2hrs or so. It’s not like she’s hand washing everything on rocks in a river.

Pinkout · 12/08/2019 10:07

He is BU. You’d have had three days with him off work to do all of the cleaning post holiday had you not returned from holiday early. He didn’t have to spend a solid day doing his ‘hobby’ either if family time is so important to him.

CaptainJaneway62 · 12/08/2019 10:07

YANBU!

Oakmaiden · 12/08/2019 10:08

How long do these jobs actually take? They never take me very long when I get back from a camping trip... Stow kit in cupboard - hang up sleeping bags to air - if necessary unroll tent in garden to dry - maybe an hours work? And another half an hour to repack the tent and sleeping bags.

Yes, washing takes longer, but it doesn't all have to be done at once. I empty it all out in front of the machine, sort it into piles and put it on at my convenience. I certainly don't spend the whole day tied to it, it gets done in between the other things I am doing.

So, yeah, there are things that need doing, but you don't need to get them all done immediately and in a big block...

LazyLizzy · 12/08/2019 10:08

He is BU.

You should be sharing the chores. A partnership is equal.

Not one person sitting on their arse while the other one does 'wimmins work'.

CaptainJaneway62 · 12/08/2019 10:09

He's definitely BVU and I agree totally with what Pinkout said!

LannieDuck · 12/08/2019 10:09

If he wanted you to do your share of the chores when he was back at work, when was he planning to do his share of the chores?

Beesandcheese · 12/08/2019 10:09

Whiny wingy toddler. Put him down for a nap!

KT2019 · 12/08/2019 10:10

Sorry for your crapoy ending to a holiday - not what anyone would have wanted and maybe why this has come about, because everyone feels a bit hard done by by the weather cutting short your hols (but easier to take it out on each other?)

He spoke up too late. No denying that and he needs to know that. My other half does it all the time and drives me insane, to the point that we now always make a plan for the next day when we're off together the night before, whether it's just a few chores and lazy day or I was thinking we could do x or y. Otherwise as I tend to be the organiser, he just assumes I have a plan for the family and he just goes along with it whether he agrees or not.

Although he's called it his holiday, I think the sentiment is there to say he wanted to make the most of his time with you and the kids, be a family unit, which is sweet and judging by some of the threads you read on here, can be quite unusual!

End of the day though he's brought it up too late, didn't put the effort in and has now made you feel bad about getting on with what needed done. Just need to chat with him so he sees your point of view on this one, and for to appreciate he maybe isn't across well but it maybe isn't coming from entitlement? Give each other a bit of slack and learn from it.

Drum2018 · 12/08/2019 10:11

That's the joy of being at home during 'holiday time'. The chores still need to be done, whereas when you're away you don't have to hoover or cook so much. So he expected that you should have been left to do everything today once he was back at work - sod that! If there's a load of washing to be done then there's no point leaving it sitting damp and adding more to it over the weekend. He's an ass but I'd say he's just pissed off that holiday time is over - though why didn't he just stay off til Thursday as planned? It would have given you all more time to do family things he so desperately wanted to do.

Nothingcomesforfree · 12/08/2019 10:12

I get his point. Once you’ve booked leave you want to feel like you’ve made the most of it and Saturday was a waste for him.
It’s effectively your holiday too so I do think you should have prioritised family time over chores.
Yes do a few washes but ironing or whatever else can wait. There can’t have been much else to do as you’ve been away surely?

ASundayWellSpent · 12/08/2019 10:13

If that's what he wanted to do he should have mucked in on the first morning home, whizz through all the jobs and leave both of you free to enjoy the rest of his days off

supersop60 · 12/08/2019 10:16

AngelasAshes - re laundry. I always appreciate 'help' because you have to a)sort the washing, b)put it in the machine c) put the remainder back in the basket so the dog doesn't run off with something d) take it out of the machine and hang it up (no tumble dryer) e) take it off the line f) iron it/fold it/sort it and deliver it to various people/rooms.
It's bit more than 2 mins if you do it by yourself.
Luckily, my DP is an independent thinker and doesn't need asking. The DC need a bit more nudging in the right direction.
CoffeeChocolateWine - this sounds more like a lack of communication than an AIBU. I'm glad things are generally progressing in the right direction for you.

adaline · 12/08/2019 10:20

If he wanted to enjoy his holiday time as a family, why did he a) go out by himself all day on Friday, b) not help at all with any of the housework and post-camping clean up, and c) decide to back to work three days early?

LillithsFamiliar · 12/08/2019 10:21

I think you both are being UR tbh. If he wanted it to be family/holiday time then he should have asked you how to make that work. If you didn't want to do all the post holiday organising then you shouldn't have done it. If you're usually in a good place then I'd count this as a communication breakdown.
fwiw when we came back from our holiday neither myself nor DH sat down for a few hours. We both unpacked. I put a washing in. He put clean clothes away. I gave surfaces a quick wipe down. He put the next washing in, etc.

Isadora2007 · 12/08/2019 10:28

You both are being unreasonable not talking about your plans for the days. So when the decision was made to return home early the discussions should have started there-
“When do you think you will go back to work then?”
“I would like to get ahead with the washings while you’re around the help with the kids, but is there anything you fancy doing in those days too?”
You both sound let down as a result of each not communicating your expectations with the other change that and you’d be grand.
Maybe he is also feeling a bit sad about going back to work and unable to say that so is randomly moaning about life in general or making stuff up. Which happens. Instead of being defensive or calling him entitled (which I agree is easier in the moment) try saying “you sound really fed up/ disappointed, what’s really wrong?”
So yabbu!

HeyThereSummerRain · 12/08/2019 10:30

I agree with PP

Come yesterday evening, DH said to me that he was annoyed that I had spent the remainder of HIS holiday time doing jobs when he had wanted us to do family stuff together

Why the fuck would he say something when it is too late to change it? It feels like he deliberately set it up that way so you would feel bad.

What he should have done is tell you on Friday that Saturday we should do X before I have to go back to work. No use complaining after the time. Communication seems to be an issue.

Re post holiday stuff, a friend of mine takes all her laundry to a launderette and pays for a service wash and dry whilst on holiday so she only has 2 days worth of clothing to sort on return. I started to do laundry on holiday, the machines in the hotel have a much larger capacity than my 9kg at home and the machines are connected to an app so we can see when they are finished. That is in the US though.

But yes I would have definitely cracked on with laundry after a damp camping trip who on earth wouldn't?

Coffeeandcherrypie · 12/08/2019 10:31

Ugh he sounds insufferable. He didn’t know what to do with himself?! Why not help you get it all done so you could go out as a family?!

But he washed the car and fixed his bike and surf board rather than doing the unpacking.

So all stuff for him,..

MargotsFlounceyBlouse · 12/08/2019 10:32

You could have had family time doing the chores together!

YANBU I'd not want to be lumped with all that once he'd gone back to work, on top of entertaining the children.

You can't leave damp stuff sitting in bags anyway, it'll go manky.

I agree if family time was so important he'd have sacked off the windsurfing, however perfect the conditions, and come up with a suggestion of something to do together. Clearly it wasn't that important.

Margotshypotheticaldog · 12/08/2019 10:32

Out of curiosity, would he often or ever take the three kids out on his own? Or do you always have to come along?
The only time my oh ever mentioned family time was when he perceived I had been having too much time to myself (to study as it happens) and he was sick of looking after the kids.
In your case he sounds like a rather entitled sulky brat. But I may be over identifying! 😂
This is exactly the type of behaviour my oh goes on with, and he is entitled, lazy and self important. I just ignore his nonsense. We are functioning disfunctionally atm.
Nothing worse than someone complaining that you have spent too long at the drudgery, the cheek of you!