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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Post-holiday argument - who IBU?

83 replies

CoffeeChocolateWine · 12/08/2019 09:21

Interested to know your thoughts on a disagreement I had with DH last night.

We are just back from holiday. We had planned a two-week camping holiday in Cornwall but had to cut it short by a few days due to the bad weather. Originally we were going to come home on Sunday and he was going to go back to work on Thursday. Instead we came back on Thursday and he’s gone back to work today.

On Friday I started the very normal post holiday process of washing and being a slightly damp camping holiday there was lots of it. Clothes, towels, sleeping bags other blankets/bedding and as we have a washer/dryer rather than separate machines and the weather was rubbish for drying it’s fair to say it has taken ages to get through. On the Friday, DH went off for the day to do his hobby so I had all three kids at home. Saturday, the weather was awful so I thought it was a good day to just plough through chores that needed to be done. DH moped around not knowing what to do with himself. Sunday he and DS went to a sporting activity and we all went out in the afternoon.

Come yesterday evening, DH said to me that he was annoyed that I had spent the remainder of HIS holiday time doing jobs when he had wanted us to do family stuff together like we would have done if we had still been on holiday. He’s annoyed that I just seemed to be trying to get all the jobs done over the weekend so that I could have fun with the kids while he’s back at work. He feels that I should have left it all till Monday so that he could make the most of his holiday time and I could do all the jobs once he’s back at work even though he knows I would also have three children including a baby to look after as well as that’s what I would have done if we hadn’t come back till Sunday as originally planned. However as I said previously he wasn’t going to go back to work till Thursday if that had been the case.

I think he’s being massively entitled! I admit that a big part of me wanted to get a lot of the post-holiday unpacking and washing done over the weekend so that I can focus on the kids when he’s back at work on Monday but is that so wrong? Or should I have just pretended we were all still on holiday and put all the jobs off till he was back at work so that he could make the most of HIS holiday? I should add that I did the vast majority of these jobs not him and I kept encouraging him to take the kids out or go out and do something if he wanted to rather than moping around the house but he didn’t. Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Gigiandme · 12/08/2019 10:40

He is massively unreasonable! He should have got off his lazy childish arse and helped you do the chores, you'd have got everything done in half the time and could have enjoyed the remainder of his holiday. What an entitled manchild!

CathyorClaire · 12/08/2019 10:48

So not only has he sat and watched you get everything straight he now expects you to have mind read as well?

What a tool.

BowiesJumper · 12/08/2019 10:50

If he was really that bothered, he wouldn't have gone back to work early, and had spent the extra 3 days with you all. Very unfair of him to kick off about it.

Yabbers · 12/08/2019 11:04

He buggered off to do what he wanted to to but bitched because you did what you wanted to do?

It does sound like he’s a selfish git. Also sounds like discussing what would happen over the few days might have been a good idea.

Did you point out if he had helped with the unpacking, it would have been done quicker and you could have had fun.

FishCanFly · 12/08/2019 11:04

he sounds like another child

ineedaholidaynow · 12/08/2019 11:18

When is he going to take the extra holiday he now has?

Why didn't he stay at home and have family time instead of going back to work early?

INeedNewShoes · 12/08/2019 11:23

He is unreasonable to have raised this after its already happened. He could have said to you on one of those days 'How about we head down to X for the day?' and you could have made the decision to stick a wash on and head out and then put another load on when you got back.

I completely understand you wanting to get through five people's worth of damp washing! I can also see that the holiday was thoroughly cut short even though he was still off work as you have gone straight back into home mode even though you should have still been on holiday.

No one is massively in the wrong here, but communication has faltered.

converseandjeans · 12/08/2019 11:32

YANBU - you can't leave damp camping stuff lying about for 4 days as it would go mouldy.
He could have taken the kids out himself to do something more like a holiday activity. Then met up with you later or something.

DarlingNikita · 12/08/2019 11:32

He's a hypocrite and a manchild. Why is spending a whole day on his hobby OK but you doing useful family chores not OK? Why did he mope about like a kid rather than muck in with the chores or spend time with the kids?

Lack of communication my arse. He's entitled and thoughtless.

VenusTiger · 12/08/2019 11:46

Why don’t couples talk to each other anymore Confused

Longlongsummer · 12/08/2019 12:07

Yanbu he could have asked at the time.

However, rather than feeling that he’s massively entitled, why not take him at face value and that he wanted to spend it with the family? Even if he wasn’t doing it very well, or being selfish, I think people respond better if you see the good in what they are trying to communicate too.

Beautiful3 · 12/08/2019 12:18

I have just returned from camping too. So much stuff has to be washed, dried and put away. It's taken me 2 days! He is being massively entitled as he had a day to himself while you had the children and post camping chores. He really ought to have helped you so that you finished the chores faster.

WishingILivedOnAnIsland · 12/08/2019 12:32

It sounds like he expects you do the 'wife work' of thinking up and planning family outings.

If he wanted a family outing why didn't he plan one himself and tell you about it? You were doing laundry so he just stood around like a loose end rather than suggesting something himself. Pathetic.

Also agree with the above- it's really passive aggressive to wait until the end of the weekend before saying he would like to do family things. If he's said it at the start, I'd have some sympathy, but to say it afterwards is pointless. What does he want you to do? Jump in your time machine?

And yes- Wet camping gear should be washed ASAP. And of course you tried to get the bulk of the grunt work done while he was around to share the childcare. That's what most people would do because it makes the most sense.

YANBU

DarlingNikita · 12/08/2019 12:33

If he wanted a family outing why didn't he plan one himself and tell you about it? You were doing laundry so he just stood around like a loose end rather than suggesting something himself. Pathetic.

x 1,000.

timshelthechoice · 12/08/2019 12:47

Camping gear should never be left to fester like that. It can get mouldy or ruined. He is being unreasonable!

CheesecakeAddict · 12/08/2019 12:51

He could have spoken up earlier instead of sulking and expecting you to read his mind. Or he could have pulled his finger out and helped. Stop pandering to his sulky behaviour

Original poster
CoffeeChocolateWine · 12/08/2019 12:52

Just catching up on these messages. Thanks.

So in answer to some questions...I guess in our house and especially with regards to camping we both have the stuff that he does and the stuff that I do. We both unpacked the car, he then does the heavy work which is putting all the camping gear away, taking bikes and other stuff off the roof of the car and I do stuff like the washing and putting food and kitchen stuff away. He didn’t do nothing...mine just took longer as the washing machine or dryer was on continuously because the weather was so bad I couldn’t just put it out to dry. And as it was our last camping trip this year all the sleeping bags (5of them) needed washing and can only do one at a time. So it felt constant...washing out, washing in, hang washing up, take dry washing down, fold washing up and put away. It certainly wasn’t 2mins work every two hours. But I thought it was worth blitzing it when the weather was dreadful anyway.

I could see he was bored so made suggestions that he take the older kids swimming (when baby was asleep) but he wasn’t sure, I suggested taking them to the cinema but he didn’t fancy it.

He decided to go back early because it’s his own business and felt he couldn’t warrant take time off just for the sake of it. There was stuff he needed to do.

I did say to him last night that he shouldn’t have waited till then to bring it up with me to which he replied that he thought he had “made it pretty obvious”, so basically he did expect me to guess and be a mind reader and respond to his moping. I did remind him about what we’d talked about in counselling which he kind of took on board.

But i agree that it probably was just down to poor communication. I know he’s down about cutting the holiday short and going back to work. But I think he does also have this idea that the summer holidays for me and the kids is going to be non-stop fun without him and all picnics and bike rides etc and doesn’t realise that actually it pretty hard work.

Anyway, I think we’ll chalk it up to experience and move on.

OP posts:
DarlingNikita · 12/08/2019 12:59

I could see he was bored so made suggestions that he take the older kids swimming (when baby was asleep)

He's a grown man. Why does he need suggestions about what to do with his children? Who gives you suggestions?

Londonmummy66 · 12/08/2019 13:01

OK, so you were happy for him to go out all day windsurfing on Friday whilst you looked after 3 kids, including a baby, and tried to sort out the wet camping gear, get started on the laundry etc. Bet you now feel as if he has slapped you in the face over this OP?

I agree that you need to have a conversation about better communication but rather than just listening to him moaning about how you saved up all the "fun" until he went back to work, point out that you did all the crap and childcare whilst he had a day of fun on Friday, which you willing and happily let him have - but point out a less pleasant/pliant wife might have begrudged that, and even a doormat might be massively p'd off that this kind gesture has been shat on. Is he always this entitled?

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 12/08/2019 13:09

It's down to personal preference when to clear up after holidays

Did you ask him if he was ok or what was wrong when he was moping about?

He has to take some responsibility for his lack of communication here surely. Sulking and then waiting til its too late to do anything about it and blaming you for not guessing what was the matter, when he could easily have said 'can we have one last day without jobs, I'd like to do xyz as a family' is just childish

Original poster
CoffeeChocolateWine · 12/08/2019 13:16

@Londonmummy66, well that’s pretty much hitting the nail on the head. Yes that is kind of how I feel.

OP posts:
Original poster
CoffeeChocolateWine · 12/08/2019 13:21

Meringue, I did ask him what was wrong and he just said he didn’t know what to do, which is why I made suggestions. He sometimes gets into these bloody annoying moods where he’s bored, doesn’t know what to do with himself, no suggestions are right so I tend to ignore it after a while which is what’s i did. It’s not my job to tell him what to do. And I’ll say it again...the weather was rubbish. I didn’t want to go out for the sake of going out when there was masses of jobs to do at home. But he seemed to feel ‘stuck’ indoors, wanting to do something but not knowing what.

OP posts:
WishingILivedOnAnIsland · 12/08/2019 13:23

@CoffeeChocolateWine Honestly if I read your last post without any context I would confidently assume you were talking about your son who is under the age of 10.

He needs to grow up.

thejudgesaidhewasatitandIagree · 12/08/2019 13:35

He's an absolute dick for leaving you with chores while he mopped around instead of pitching in. Obviously never occurred to him that if he actually got involved it would be done quicker. When you have kids, being on holiday doesn't equal no responsibility and the ability to sit on your ass and do nothing.

Cambionome · 12/08/2019 13:36

LivedOnAnIsland has absolutely hit the nail on the head there!

He sounds like an absolute child.