Upset - Introduced as The Wife by DH

[Pantsomime]

Am I being sensitive to be upset when DH says this is pantsomine the wife. Why can’t he say my wife? We have had problems which DH says are not problems and I’m looking for reasons to fall out - but this just feels distant, detached or is it me overreacting?

The wife = object

My wife = possession

But I suspect that your issues are 6 of 1, half a dozen of the other.

Based on fewer than 100 words of explanation and context? Okay then.

Based on fewer than 100 words of explanation and context? Okay then.

Yes. Lots of people assume OP is the problem or that her dh is the problem 'based on fewer than a hundred words'

Why is that different?

I have only ever heard this in a disrespectful way. I can’t imagine it any other. But either way, I’m guessing you don’t find it affectionate or charming. Fair enough, it certainly doesn’t sound pleasant to me either.

Yanbu to be really pissed off, Especially as you’ve already told him you don’t like it.

I don’t think it really matters what people on here think of “the wife” versus “my wife”.

What matters is he knows you don’t like it but he still carries on saying it.

What does that tell you?

Sorry Hun but yabu

Where I love it is a perfectly normal expression as is ' the fella,' ' the hubby" ' the Mrs' etc. Ok they are expressions not like in general on MN but in certain areas they are in current use and said with affection.
However I do understand that if you dont like it and have sId so and he continues then it goes into disrespectful territory.

Yeah I think that would annoy me as well! Did you speak to him about it?? My DP seems to always introduce me as 'the mrs' or 'my mrs' it really pisses me off because for a start we aren't even married and he is still yet to even propose so the fact I'm referred to as 'the mrs' winds me up like you wouldn't believe!

I don't think it's inherently bad, but if you've told him that you really don't like it then it's shitty of him to keep doing it.

I was going to suggest you say "excuse me, perhaps The Lord and Master could hold my coat, I need to go for a shit" every time he uses this expression, but I like "my first husband" better

It’s a bit annoying. I used to know a man who would introduce his wife as the “Future Ex Mrs Smith”. He thought he was being funny. Yuk.

notacooldad - I was trying to find the right words before I raised it and have now said as suggested it makes me feel sad when he calls me the wife, it’s distant etc - bit of a row DH saying it’s what people say and said he won’t say it again, he ignored that we’ve had this before- when he did it today I said pantsomine the what and he said the wife again and I didn’t want to make a big thing of it there and then in front of the man he was introducing me to

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. It's very "the chair", "the stool", "the wife".

I think there maybe a class issue here too.I don't think "the wife" is a term typically used by upper middle classes. It's a phrase I strongly associate with working class or lower middle class. It's of the level of "her indoors" or "the missus".

Instead of telling him what not to do, tell him how you prefer to be introduced. Because crossing out “the wife” would leave him with zero idea of what to say....and you don’t want him coming up with
“My other half”
“This one”
“Mrs me”
“My baby mama”
Etc etc. Do not underestimate the ability of men to not choose wisely. Tell him how you’d like to be introduced.

It’s a bit annoying. I used to know a man who would introduce his wife as the “Future Ex Mrs Smith”. He thought he was being funny. Yuk
Thst not big or funny. That guy is a cock.

I understand if youve asked him not to-it wouldnt bother me but then something else mightg and i wouldnt want it said if id already asked himnot to

We have had problems which DH says are not problems
If you feel something is a problem, then it is.
Even if he disagrees he needs to listen to how it makes you feel, and if upsets/hurts you then a decent man would stop doing it.
It isn't difficult to stop referring to you like that and it doesn't affect anything - other than how it makes YOU feel.

It sounds to me like he doesn't care about you, doesn't respect you, and would rather gaslight you than behave like the loving, caring man he no doubt claims he is.

If you told him that, given the backstory, "this is a problem and the only solution is divorce - and i'm divorcing you regardless of what you think/feel about it" (i.e mirror his behaviour), what do you think his reaction would be?

I think it depends on the context. My DP refers to me as 'the mrs' quite often. I know that he means this in the nicest way possible so I don't mind at all.

My husband always introduces me as his wife (it is a northern thing) I would prefer him to say this is Miley my partner who just happens to be married to me, poor woman.

It doesn't matter if you are BU or not, you don't like it and it is part of a bigger picture.

I'm not sure a clarifier is needed though, he just needs to say 'This is x'

I tend to only refer to my husband as 'The husband' when talking about him.

Is he from the north of England? I think it's a regional thing as opposed to a deliberate slight on you/attempt to objectify you.

My df once referred to my dm as his ‘partner’. My dm went ballistic, I’ve never seen my dm so angry. ‘I’m your WIFE’. I think my df thought he was being trendy calling dm his partner.

We also say this in the north, my dh does.
I prefer it to this is the wife, at least he introduced you by name first, wife second.
Can't see the problem tbh, think that was very respectful

I think it's rude, YANBU.

love this suggestion;

@Carolwithane Sun 11-Aug-19 22:56:23
Introduce him as "This is xxxxx my first hudband" or "....... my current husband"

I hate it when men say ‘the wife’. It sounds so disrespectful.