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Original poster

For being annoyed that MIL wants to spend more time with us

97 replies

Legawein · 11/08/2019 18:27

My MIL has started to get really pushy about seeing more of my DH and our DS, using her ill health as a reason, expecting to see them/us every day off he get from work. If I ring her for a chat, it's become all about how she misses "her boys" and how I'm lucky I get more chances to see my family because "I only work part time" (I work from home, pretty much locking myself in my office one day a week on one of DH days off, doing the rest after DS has gone to bed, and making phone calls when DS naps). We've always tried to split his days off between MIL, my family, and us time, going over every other week. She's been in poor health since before DH and I got together, but is now using it to browbeat DH into going over more often. He's started telling her that he's doing overtime, as any other reason just results in huge guilt trips. For a while he started going over on the days I'm holed away, but that didn't work out as she wanted DH to do jobs around the house or in the garden, but keeping an eye on DS whilst he did said jobs was too much for her. It's got to the point where I dread going, and don't really want to ring her. I'd prefer to sit down with her and discuss it, but DH tells me to just leave it be. Should we be spending more time with her? Or if not, should I at least try and talk to her about it?

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 11/08/2019 18:32

Well your husband needs to man up and talk to her. You need to find a level of contact that you are comfortable with which also allows you time as a family and to see other people. And stick to it. But I expect he finds it very difficult to say no to her which is why you're in this situation.

CraftyGin · 11/08/2019 18:36

I would say cherish the time you have with her.

Fatted · 11/08/2019 18:36

Aaaah, I like that she wants to see more of him but in reality wants him doing stuff around the house when he is there. Where is FIL in all of this?

Generally we go to our parents with our DC separately because of when DH works and so we can get a bit of time alone.

PanamaPattie · 11/08/2019 18:41

Stop ringing her for a chat for starters. It just gives her an excuse to start moaning and guilt tripping. Let DH deal with her. I would cut back on seeing any members of your family. A few times every couple of months is more than enough. You are both working and you need time at home and being with your DS. You are not here to keep MIL amused. Don't spend more time with her - it will never be enough.

middlesister · 11/08/2019 18:51

As a mum of sons (young teenagers) I'm already starting to get upset about the future and potential lack of contact due to potential DILs not wanting me about. Your DH is her baby. Remember that when you look at your DCs and think about your future as a MIL. How will you feel?

AnotherEmma · 11/08/2019 18:52

I was expecting comments like that. Ugh.

Butterymuffin · 11/08/2019 18:57

I would say you'll help her to find a gardener, handyman etc to do the jobs so that when your husband does go over, he can actually spend time with her.

NoddyAndBessie · 11/08/2019 18:59

@middlesister, be a normal.human and you'll be fine. Be a possessive bitch and you'll have a problem.

Your call.

pictish · 11/08/2019 19:01

How often are we talking about here? How often do you/does he see her and how often would she like?

Lilyrose90 · 11/08/2019 19:01

If she is ill then I’d say that you should be a bit more understanding

NorthernBirdAtHeart · 11/08/2019 19:16

If the shoe was on the other foot so to speak and you were the MIL not seeing enough of your children or grandchildren, how would you feel?

notacooldad · 11/08/2019 19:19

AnotherEmma

I was expecting comments like that. Ugh
Which ones? DH to man up or enjoy what's left?

SallyWD · 11/08/2019 19:21

I think it all depends how much you see her and how much she wants to see you.

NoSauce · 11/08/2019 19:27

How old is MIL? Is there any other family members on the scene or just DH? How often is he actually going?

ineedaholidaynow · 11/08/2019 19:27

It doesn't seem though that she wants to see DH and DS, it is so that DH can do jobs for her. How poorly is she? Does she have a social life outside family?

NoSauce · 11/08/2019 19:29

If she’s poorly and has nobody else to help her of course she’s going to want her son doing it. That’s what families do don’t they?

Likethebattle · 11/08/2019 19:30

Once every other week is more than enough. You have your family too, you both work and you want time alone as a family. DH has stopped telling MIL when he is off ob annual leave as she’ll expect him to be at her beck and call. Unpaid taxi is exactly what she sees him as.

PickAChew · 11/08/2019 19:30

She needs a hobby and some friends.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 11/08/2019 19:31

@middlesister

As a mum of sons (young teenagers) I'm already starting to get upset about the future and potential lack of contact due to potential DILs not wanting me about

You seriously need to get a grip on this. Who are these fictitious future women who will steal your menfolk?

Beautiful3 · 11/08/2019 19:35

Once a fortnight is fair enough i think. If she's poorly and frail she needs help with jobs around the house. That's what family's for right?

jpclarke · 11/08/2019 19:35

She is getting older and is obviously lonely, I know it's a bit of an inconvenience but I think your dh is right you need to just leave it. It's not something to start a fall out over. Could she come over to you any day or evening?

MitziK · 11/08/2019 19:38

Is her health worsening? If she's finding it harder to cope, it would make sense that she's wanting to see more of him.

PlutocratCow · 11/08/2019 19:48

I don't think some in older generations understand the stress modern families are under, I really think this is causing a lot of friction nowadays.

My mum was moaning that she never sees a family member.. I've seen red after so much moaning.
I had to explain that my mum never worked in a 2-full time working house hold where you leave the office at 6pm on a good night, Hour's communte, start prepping dinner, sit down to eat at 8pm, shower, say nn to kids, sort out the car insurance renewal/boiler service/special instructions for kid school event the next day, throw 8n a washload before it gets too late for neighbours to complain, crawl into bed ready for the 6am alarm tomorrow.... Her life experience..... Her experience was being a housewife in a situation where dad worked 9am-5pm only 15min down the road in a wage that was enough to raise multiple kids and have a good roomy 3 bed house.... She's no fucking idea the stress we're all under, absolutely no insight. And to listen to her, every single time we cram in a visit, talk about how rare family visiting is, despite us going every week.... I despair.
I suspect the MIL in this post is identical,but not potentially the same!

PlutocratCow · 11/08/2019 19:49
  • almost identical, if not the same
HeyMonkey · 11/08/2019 19:54

@PlutocratCow Spot on.

I've had comments like this from female family members. They didn't work out of the home. We are both out of the house from 7am - 6.30pm, and when we get home it's eat, housework and bed. We couldn't afford the mortgage if we didn't both work, times have changed.

We only have 2 days a week off, and we don't want to spend a full day doing odd jobs/DIY/gardening for them, especially considering they own 3 properties and go on 3 cruises a year so aren't short on cash. They can afford to pay someone to do their gardening and DIY.